Driving Jokes

Driving Jokes



  A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by 
the police.
  "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" 
asks the cop.
  "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
  "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."
  The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches 
masterfully.  A couple driving by slows down to watch.
  "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. 
Look at the test they're giving now.



The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams 
given by the California Department of Transportation's driving 
school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation 
offenders).

 
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way 
   stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker
   saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk 
   driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no 
   longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
 
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light 
   and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
 
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.



  A young man who had just learned how to drive was out driving 
around in his parents' beat-up old VW Beetle.  He misjudged a 
curve and overturned the car directly between the houses of 
Mr & Mrs Smith and Mr and Mrs Ball ... but luckily, he got 
pulled out by the Smiths!



How'd you get the flat tire?
I ran over a whisky bottle.
Didn't you see it?
Damned bum had it hidden in his coat. 


  Tater was at the local gas station gassing up his moped when 
out of nowhere a man drives by in a new Mercedes and stops at 
the red light. Now Tater hasnt seen too many of these chariots 
so he pulls out and up to the man driving the Benz....
  "Whooooo weeeee! I ain't never seen anything like at...No sir
not at all " Tater says leaning in almost in his car tater 
remarks.
 "Look at all them dials in there looks just like an airplane 
cockpit. I bet shes fast aint she?"
  The driver a little taken aback pushes him away and replies.
"Yes she is. She's very fast. this is the new 450sl. She has 
230 Hp and will go from 0-100 in 8 seconds flat. Would you like 
to see that?"
  'Sure would.. Giver the gas.!!!"  Tater replies.
  The man shifts down in to low and puts the pedal to the metal 
and sreams off. He reaches about 80 MPH and looks in his rear 
view mirror and He sees Tater getting larger and larger coming 
up behind him on his moped with this look of horror on his face!
Tater passes going about 120 mph.
  "What the heck was all that about" the driver asks himself.
  A couple of seconds pass and tater flies by him going the other
way about 100 miles an hour. The driver cant figure out whats 
going  on. He starts to slow and looks in his rear view mirror 
again and sees Tater again getting larger and larger in his 
mirror. 
  "I gotta see whats goin on here", he says, So he starts to pull 
over All of sudden BANG!!! tater runs right into the back of his 
car.
  He gets out to check on him and sees him on the ground. 
  "Son, You ok.? Are you Hurt.? Is there anything I can do for 
you?", the driver asks.
  "Yessir. Could you PLEASE un hook my suspenders from your side 
view mirror!"   



  A motorist picks up a hitchhiker on the interstate, who 
proceeds to pull a gun and make the guy pull over.  The 
hitchhiker takes the driver into the woods at gunpoint, 
pistol-whips him, takes his wallet, takes his keys, and 
finally makes him strip naked.  Using the man's socks, 
he ties each of the guy's wrists to his ankles and leaves, 
stealing the car. After about an hour the man manages to 
struggle to his feet, wrists still tied to ankles, and 
after another two hours he has hobbled back out to the 
highway. A passing trucker sees him and immediately pulls 
over.
  "What the hell happened to you?" he asks the man as he 
gets out of his rig.
  "I was robbed and stripped and my car was stolen and I was 
tied up and it took me three hours to get back to the road!", 
the motorist says piteously.
   "Well-well-well," says the trucker, unzipping his fly, 
"Guess this just ain't your day!"



  While driving on the main highway through town, a man strummed 
a guitar he held in his lap.  A policeman pulled him over, got 
out of the police car, and walked over to the driver.
   "Do you know you're a menace to the safety of hundreds of
people?" the cop asked.
   "No," the driver said.  "How does it go?"



  This police officer stops this woman on the highway and walks 
up to her and asks her if she know why he stopped her.
  "No.", the woman replies.
  "Because you don't have any tail lights", the police officer 
told her.  So she get out and walks around the back of the car 
and started crying.
  "It's just tail lights you don't need to cry."
  "It's not that, but where is my trailer".



Fun Things to do When Driving
  
1. Have a friend ride in the back seat.  Gagged.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio.  Headbang.
3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. 
   The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Pay the toll for the car behind you.  Watch in rearview
   mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.
7. Laugh.  Laugh a lot.  A whooooole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out 
    your window or sunroof.  Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put 
    sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.
13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. 
    With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often.  If they wave back, offer an offended 
    and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.
16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror.  Talk 
    to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their 
    butts out the window.
22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
24. If an firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the 
    roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!
25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.
26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger 
    seat, when driving alone.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray for roadkill.
29. Stop and cook roadkill.  (If in Tennessee.)
30. Throw Spam.  Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.
31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to...
    a stop.  Then get out and watch the cars. 
32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're
    in.  When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at
    your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"
34. Sing without having the radio on.
35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you,
    then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...
 


  A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from 
Phoenix to Flagstaff.  He got as far as Black Canyon City before 
the mountains just became to much and he could go no farther.
  He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a 
single person to stop.  Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over 
and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the 
car.  The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by 
the highway and tied it to his bumper.  He tied the other end 
to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, 
to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
  Everything went fine for the first 30 miles.  Suddenly, another
Corvette blew past them.  Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling 
the bike immediately took off after the other.  A short distance 
down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 90 mph, blew 
through a speed trap.  The police officer noted the speeds from 
his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 
Corvettes headed his way at over 90 mph.
  He then relayed, "And you're not going to believe this, but 
there's this *really* amazing guy on a 10 speed bike honking 
to pass!!".



  Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls
Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask 
for an immediate loan of $ 5,000.
  The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.
  "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man 
said.
  The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's 
underground parking garage for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
  Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, asked
to settle up his loan and get his car back.
  "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," 
the loan officer said.
  The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
  "Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I 
found out you are a multi-millionaire.  Why in the world would 
you need to borrow $5,000?"
  The man smiled.  "Where else could I park my Rolls Royce in 
Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"



  A policeman stopped a lady and asked for her license.
  He said, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing 
glasses."
  The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."
  The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're 
still getting a ticket!"



  A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was 
speeding down Main Street.
  "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain."
  "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you 
cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
  "But, officer, I just wanted to say"
  "And I said to keep quiet!  You're going to jail!"
  A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and 
said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." 
  "Don't count on it,"said the fellow in the cell.
  "Why not?" asked the officer. 
  "Well, you see, officer, it just happens that I'm the groom."



Your driving down the street with your friends and someone sees 
an old lady walking and says "HEY!! 50 points!!! get her.. and 
ya wonder where he came up with only 50 points?? 

well heres the official points list:

Old man=10 points 
old man wearing golf pants=25 points
old man wearing ugly hat=30 points
old man riding 3 wheel bike=50 points
old man walking with little kid=75 points [bonus 50 is you 
 hit both]
old lady walking=10 points
old lady wearing golf pants=25 points
old lady wearing old man=1000 points
old lady wearing reallllly ugly hat=100 points
old lady wearing little kid=100000 points
fat guy jogging = 100 points
fat guy jogging and eating McDonalds = 250 points
fat guy masturbating while jogging = 5000 points
fat guy jogging in SPANDEX! = 10000 points
fat woman jogging = 100 points
fat woman jogging and eating fat man = 500 points
fat woman jogging in reallllly tight pants = 1000 points
fat woman walking with candy bar in each hand and mouth 
 = 2500 points
fat woman staring loving at you = 10000 points
little kid walking = 20 points
little kid running = 50 points
little kid running with your wallet = 500 points
little kid running with your wife = 5 points
little boy on bike = 10 points
little girl on bike = 10 points
little boy on little girl = 100 points
little boy stealing BigMac from jogging fat guy = 0 points
 [GIVE HIM A LIFT!] 
teenager with stupid hair cut = 25 points
teenager with pants below his knees = 50 points
teenager who dated your daughter = 5000 points
teenager jogging with fat woman = 500 points
teenager riding bike = 100 points
teenager riding fat woman = 5000 points 
teenager riding fat woman riding fat man = 10,000 points



  A policeman pulls over a couple (the man is driving).
  "Did you know you were doing 70 mph in a 55 mph zone?"
  Before the man could answer, the woman interjects, "But 
officer, he never stays within the speed limit."
  At that, the man slaps the woman twice, saying, "Hush, woman!"
  The officer notices that the man is not wearing his seat 
belt and says, "Did you know you aren't wearing your seatbelt?"
  Again, before the man could answer, the woman says, "But 
officer, he never wears his seat belt."
  At that, the man slaps the woman twice, saying, "Hush, woman!"
Finally, the policeman sticks his head into the front seat and 
asks the woman, "Ma'am, does he always treat you this way?"
  The woman replied, "Only when he's drunk."



  A trucker staggers into a country pub, looking a bit shaken, 
and orders a double scotch, then downs it in a single gulp.  
  He turns to some of the regulars and says "I just hit a pig 
with my truck, it went right through the radiator!"
  The oldtimers had seen it all before and one of them said,
"Yep. Same thing happened to me back in '72. What'cha do is get 
a hacksaw, saw the legs off, 'n pull it out backwards"
  The trucker gulps, and says he'll give it a go, and goes back 
outside. Half an hour later, looking a bit pale and covered with 
blood, he comes back in and says, "Yeah, your idea worked. Now 
how do I get his motorcycle out?"



  My good buddy Bill told me he scratched the fender on another 
car while in the parking lot at the A&P. Nothing serious, but he 
noticed someone in still another car watching him.
  He said to the guy in the other car, "I'd better leave a note 
on the windshield so he can call me."
  Here is the note he left.

Dear friend,
  While backing out of my parking space, I put a small scratch 
on your fender. I told the guy in the other car that I'd leave 
you a note. He thinks I am giving you my phone number and 
license plate number. He is wrong. Have a nice day.

 



HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM:

* One hand on wheel, one hand on horn:  Chicago

* One hand on wheel, one finger out window:  New York

* One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator: Boston

* One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:
California.   With gun in lap:  L.A.
 
* Both hands on top of wheel, one foot on brake, watching 
pedestrians cross against the light: San Francisco
 
* Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering 
in terror:  Ohio, but driving in California.

* Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head
turned to talk to someone in back seat:  Italy

* One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, 
foot on brake, mind on game:  Seattle

* One hand on the wheel, one hand drumming (with drum stick) 
on the dash board, Lap top on top of the Dashboard, left foot 
tapping, right foot on the accelerator, head bobbing from side 
to side: Silicon Valley. 
 
* One hand in the wheel area, one hand on horn, pressing all 
the way 0.02 seconds before the light changes, left foot on 
the transmission pedal, right foot on the accelerator, pressing 
all the way 0.01 seconds before the light changes: Israel. 
 
* Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering 
in terror: Ohio, but driving in Boston. 
 
* Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes 
constantly checking the rearview mirror to watch for visible 
emissions from their own or other's cars: Colorado
 
* One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other 
hand waving a gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping 
a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able 
to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other 
motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting 
a car with New York plates.           

* One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating 
between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the 
brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window:  Texas city male

* One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping 
speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road 
unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on 
the left side of the road:   Texas country male

* One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show
different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse,
brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on 
the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver 
with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:  
Texas female

* Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window,
beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:  West 
Virginia male.

* Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and 
who is now wearing a barrel:  Las Vegas

* Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above 
window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane 
with the left blinker on:  Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, 
also known as "no-see-um"  (or could it be Marge Simpson?)

* Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph 
zone in the left lane, with the left turn signal on, and making 
a right turn: New Mexico resident (as anyone who has ever driven 
through this lovely state can attest)



A Glossary of English/German Motoring Terms

Indicators		Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
Bonnet (Hood)		Die Pullnob und knucklechopper
Exhaust			Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
Clutch			Die Kulink mit schlippen und schaken
Puncture		Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken
Learner			Die twatte mit ellplatz
Estate Car		Der Bagmerroom furschagginkinauto
Parking Meter		Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenqweer
Windscreen Wiper	Der Flippenflappen muckenschpredder
Footbrake		Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenquick
Gear lever		Bigenschticken fur Kangarooshtoppen
Breathalyser		Die Puffitintem fur Pistenarsen
Rear View Mirror	Der Yokhunter Tucklosen
Seat Belt		Der Klunkinklikker Frauleintrapper
Headlights		Das Dipperenderdazzlubastad
Exhaust (old cars)	Der Kaffenundschpitpolluter
Highway Code		Der Wipenfurarsen
Fog Warning		Die Puttenfootdownen und fukkit
Traffic jam		Die Bluddifukkinnk Dammundblast
Rear Seat		Der Schpringentester mit Fraulein
Tyres			Flahttfarts
Backfire		Der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen
Juggernaut		Der Fukkengrett Trucken
Accident		Der Bledinmess
Garage			Der heiway Robberung
Cyclist			Der pedallpushinink Pillocken
Skid			Der Banannan Waltzen
Double White Lines	Overtaken und Krunchen
Near Accident		Der Fukken ner Schittenselfen



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