What do you call a guy who misses ten car payments? A pedestrian. A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong? Then at that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her. "That's a lovely car," says the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" Well, it just conked out I'm afraid." "Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again. "Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter ?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburettor," he replied. Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?" A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, "Can you paint?" "Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter." "Well, there's a gallon of green paint and a brush out back, and a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you're done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth." It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!", he reported with a smile. "Did you do a good job?" she asked. "Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you," he said, "That's not a Porsche back there -- it's a Mercedes!" The little old lady was driving her VW beetle when she experienced some trouble...it died right there! Well, she managed to get her vehicle out of traffic, got out via driver's door, proceeded to the front of the car, and raised the "hood". While she stood there looking, another elderly lady pulled up...also in a VW Beetle...and offered some assistance. "What's wrong?" the second lady asked the first. "I seem to have lost my engine!" replied the first lady. "OH! How lucky!! I just happen to have a spare in my trunk!", exclaimed the second lady. What will they call the benefit concert for General Motors? Lemon Aid. What do you call a car that turns left when you steer right, & vice-versa? A Dislexus. How is going to a whorehouse like buying a used car? You're pretty sure you're gonna get screwed. You know its time to change your car when..... 1. You spend more on oil than on petrol 2. Your car leaves three types of liquid in your parking space 3. You offer a friend a lift and they say no because they are in a hurry 4. You feel good if you beat a cyclist at the lights 5. You get invited to join a car restoration club 6. Your neighbours all chip in to buy you a car cover 7. Your car leaves more smoke than a David Copperfield show. 8. Somebody breaks in and fits a radio 9. Hitch hikers hide when they see you coming 10. And Finally, you know its time to change that car when some old duffer tells you that they are the best car ever made. What makes a Yugo go faster? A tow truck. Why do Yugos have a rear window defroster? So you can keep your hands warm while you're pushing it. A man goes into an auto parts store and asks, "Can you give me a cigarette lighter for my Yugo?" "Sure, sounds like a fair trade to me." What is the difference between a Yugo and AIDS? You can still palm AIDS off to someone else. What do you call a Yugo with a flat tire? A write-off. What do you call a Yugo at the top of a hill? A miracle. What do you call the Yugo owner's manual? The bus timetable. How can you double the worth of a Yugo? By filling its gasoline tank. What is the smallest part of a Yugo? The owners brain. What do you call someone who buys a secondhand Yugo? A scrap dealer. What does a Yugo buyer do to look sophisticated? Wears dark glasses. How do you tell the Yugo buyer from all the other people with dark glasses? Their the ones with the white sticks. Why do they give away free TVs with Yugos? So you've got something to do while waiting for the mechanic to come and fix it. What do you call a Yugo with twin exhausts? A wheelbarrow. What is the difference between a Yugo and a golf ball? You can drive a golf ball 360 yards. From the Letterman Show top ten list "New Ford Slogans " (Ford had to recall millions of cars because the ignitions could spontaneously start afire) 10. Where's there's smoke, there's a Ford 9. Have you driven a Ford to the fire station lately 8. Forget Chevy - we have the real Blazer 7. Available in regular or extra crispy 6. Now every Bronco is as exciting as O.J.'s 5. Ford, the unabomber of the highways 4. Quality is job 1; putting out the fire is job 2 3. Like a rock -- of hot, molten lava 2. Aren't you tired of cops who stop you for speeding and ask " where's the fire ? " 1. Click..Vroom..kaboom ! As a little girl is coming out of school, a man pulls up in his car, winds down the window and says to her, "I'll give you a sweet if you'll get in the car with me." The little girl says "No, I not getting in the car." The next day the man pulls up again, winds down the window and says, "I'll give you two sweets if you'll get in the car with me." The little girl says "No, I not getting in the car." The third day the man pulls up and offers her a whole bag of sweets if she will get into the car. "No Dad", replies the girl, "There's no way I'm getting into the Yugo!" A man buys a huge new car and shows it to his neighbor. Its great says the neighbor but does it have a bed in like mine? But your car is tiny says the man. Yes but watch this, the neighbor presses a button on his tiny car's dashboard and a bed unfolds. The man rushes back to the car showroom and demands a bed be fitted to his new car. The next day the man takes his huge car ( now fitted with a bed ) to show his neighbor but the neighbor is out. The man drives around looking for the neighbor and sees his car parked up in a rest stop with all the windows steamed up! The man goes to the car and starts banging ion the window. There is no signs of the neighbor and the windows are too steamed up to see inside. He bangs again, and again and eventually the neighbor (naked) wipes a circle into the steamed up window. "What the hell do you want?" "My car has a bed like yours!" "GEEZ! you got me out the shower to tell me that!!!" I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in the back to make a sandwich. Does your car make a statement? Probably so. Here's a list of cars and the statements they make on their drivers' behalf. Acura Integra I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars. Acura Legendary I'm too bland for German cars. Acura NSX I am impotent. AMC Gremlin I could only afford three-fourths of a Hornet. AMC Marlin My father wouldn't buy me a Camaro. Audi 90 I enjoy putting out engine fires Audi 80 I thought the 4000s was too fast. Austin-Healey 3000 I can put raw meat on the transmission hump and have a well done steak by the time I arrive anywhere. Buick Park Avenue I am older than 34 of the 50 states. Buick Riviera Convertible I'm not very smart, and I look like it too. Buick Electra Hey, it's 30-year old technology. But it's GOOD 30-year old technology. Buick Reatta I like ugly, impractical, boring cars. Cadillac Cimarron I am stupid enough to pay extra money for an uglified Chevrolet. Cadillac Eldorado I am a very good Mary Kay salesman. Cadillac Seville I am a pimp. Chevrolet Camaro I enjoy beating up people. Chevrolet Chevette I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette. Chevrolet Corvette I'm in a mid-life crisis. Chevrolet El Camino I am leading a militia to overthrow the government. Chrysler 5th Ave Did the pushpins come free with the headliner? Chrysler Cordoba I dig the rich Corinthian leather. Datsun 280Z I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well. Dodge Charger Reliable is boring. My car is exciting. Dodge Dart I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower. Dodge Daytona I delivered pizza for four years to get this car. Ford Fairmont (See Dodge Dart) Ford Mustang I slow down to 85 in school zones. Ford Crown Victoria I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them. Geo Storm I will start the 11th grade in the Fall. Geo Tracker I will start the 12th grade in the Fall. Honda del Sol I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all. Honda Civic I have just graduated and have no credit. Honda Accord I lack any originality and am basically a lemming. Infiniti Q45 I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending. Isuzu Impulse I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports. Jaguar XJ6 I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year. Jeep Wrangler I am fiercely independent, just like all my friends with Jeeps. Kia Sephia I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu. Lotus Esprit Ever pay $2000 for a tune up? I do. Lincoln Town Car I live for bingo and covered dish suppers. Mercedes 500SL I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph. Mazda Miata I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler. MGB I am dating a mechanic. Mitsubishi Diamante I don't know what it means either. Mitsubishi Eclipse GST Why accelerate? Because you can! Nissan 300ZX I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings. Oldsmobile Cutlass I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts. Peugeot 505 Diesel I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List. Plymouth Fury I like driving an air-conditioned sofa that can carry your car in my trunk as a spare. Plymouth Neon I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena. Pontiac Trans AM I have a switchblade in my sock. Porsche 944 I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me. Renault 2CV I think your car is ugly too. Rolls Royce Silver Shadow I think Pat Buchanan is a tad too liberal. Subaru Legacy I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu. Triumph TR6 I am an amateur mechanic who enjoys a challenge. Toyota Camry I am still in the closet. Volkswagon Beetle I still watch Partridge Family reruns. Volkswagon Cabriolet I am out of the closet. VW Rabbit GTi My mom won't let me buy a Porsche 'til I finish Algebra. VW Jetta I stopped smoking pot when I got a real job after college. I swear. Volkswagon Microbus I am tripping right now. Volvo 740 Wagon I am frightened of my wife. Volvo 240 Other drivers are unsafe. Let me go ahead and pull out in front of this guy to slow him down. AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Always Unsafe Designs Implemented All Un-informed Drivers Insulted All Unnecessary Devices Installed BMW Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster BUICK Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time DODGE Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FIAT Fix It Again Tomorrow FORD Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead Fast Only Rolling Downhill GM General Maintenance GMC Garage Man's Companion HONDA Had One Never Did Again Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else. HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive? MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILE Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday. Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment PONTIAC Poor Old Nut Thinks It's A Cadillac SAAB Send Another Automobile Back TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object VW Virtually Worthless |
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