Cowboy Jokes

Cowboy Jokes



  Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about 
his first visit to a big-city church.  "When I got there, they had 
me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
  "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly 
fellow.
  "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
  "The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
  "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
  "That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
  "Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
  "You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
  "Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
  "Pew," Charlie retorted.
  "Yeah," recalled Joe.  "That's what that pretty lady said when I 
sat down beside her."




  More than anything, my brother-in-law wanted to be a cowpoke. 
Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give 
him a chance.
  "This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it 
to catch cows."
  "I see," said my brother-in-law, trying to seem knowledgeable
as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"




  It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked
trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse
went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself 
in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun
to shoot the snake.
  "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot. I'm an enchanted
rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you
want."
  The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the 
snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like
Tom Cruise, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally,
I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."
  The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house 
you'll have all three wishes."
  The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the 
way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside
to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark 
Gable.  He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling 
muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger's. Really excited now, he tore 
down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted..
  "My God, I was riding the mare!" 
 



A Cowboy's Guide To Life

Never squat with yer spurs on.

There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is
probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be
surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown
around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it 
back in.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so
important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it
back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Don't get mad at somebody who knows more 'n you do.  
It ain't their fault.

Don't let so much reality into your life that there's no room 
left for dreamin'.

Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.

Go after life as if it's something that's got to be roped in a
hurry before it gets away.

Makin' it in life is kinda like bustin' broncs:  you're gonna
get thrown a lot. The simple secret is to keep gettin' back on.

Never grumble. It makes you about as welcome as a sidewinder
in a cow camp.

Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much.

Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely
different propositions.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with
watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder 
it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

The first thing to do when you get up in the morning is put on 
your Stetson.

The wildest critters live in the city!

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

Trust everybody in the game, but always cut the cards.

You don't need decorated words to make your meanin' clear.  
Say it plain and save some breath for breathin'.




  Prior to her trip to Texas, Virginia had confided to her sorority 
sisters she had three goals for her trip the Lone Star State.  She 
had wanted to taste some real Texas Bar B Que, take in a bonafide
Texas Rodeo and "ride" a Texan.
  Upon her return, her sorority mates were curious as to how she fared.
  "Let me tell you, Buffy," she confided, "they have an indigenous bush 
down there called Mesquite - and when they slow cook that brisket over 
that mesquite wood, DAMN!!!  That beef not only melts in your mouth, 
the taste is beyond belief!"
  "And the men?  I went to a real rodeo...Talk about athletes! These guys 
wrestle real full-grown bulls like in Spain!  Except they ride a horse at
full gallop, throw a rope on these huge bulls, then jump off the horse and
literally grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground, and 
tie'em up...and that's not all! Its a race!! They ALL do it and only the 
fastest gets prize money!"
  "Virginia!  Come on, tell us!!!  You said you wanted to "ride" a Texan!
What the hell happened?"
  "Well," Virginia admitted, "I'll admit, I was tempted, but when I was 
at the rodeo and I saw the outline of the condoms in the back pocket of
those Texan's jeans, I CHANGED MY MIND!"

(For you all overseas, many or most of the "cowboys" keep a small can of
tobacco snuff in their back packets which are about 2 and a half inches 
(60 cm) in diameter).




  A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. 
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, 
which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been 
stolen.  He goes back into the saloon, handily flips his gun into the 
air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot 
into the ceiling.
  "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MA HOSS?", he yelled with 
surprising forcefulness.
  No one answered.
  "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER AND IF MA HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE 
BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!  AND I DON'T
LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"
  Some of the locals shifted restlessly.  He had another beer, walked 
outside, and his horse is back! He saddles up and starts to ride out 
of town.  The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say, partner, 
before you go...What happened in Texas?"
  The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."




  A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather vest,
leatherchaps, and sneakers. The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do 
you wear that big hat?"
  The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot 
sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep 
on the range, so it protects me then, too."
  "Why do you wear that leather vest?"
  "It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets where 
I can keep my valuables."
  "Well, why do you wear leather chaps?"
  "They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through mesquite and
cactus."
  "Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you wear sneakers?"
  "That's so somebody won't think I'm a damn truck driver."



  A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President 
Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen 
and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."
  Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, 
decked him, and left. 
  A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary 
Clinton appeared on the TV.  "She's a horse's ass too," he said.
  A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and 
knocked him off his stool.
  "Damnit!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be 
Clinton country!"
  "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"



What is the difference between Country Music and Cowboy Music?
Country Music is one guy singing about five women; 
Cowboy Music is five guys singing about one horse.



  A man and his son recently moved to Texas. One Saturday afternoon 
they decided to take a walk through the park.  During the walk the 
boy sees two cowboys walk by.
  "Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!"
  The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not 
very nice language to use.
  A few minutes later, 2 more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, 
"Dad, look at those bow legged bastards!"
  The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, "I told you not 
to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else."
  Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys, walk by and once
again the child yells, "Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!"
  "That's it!" the father yells, and takes the child home and locks him 
in his room with the complete works of  Shakespeare.
  Two weeks later, he lets his son out and notices that he has taken to
speaking like Shakespeare wrote. This impressed the father so he decided 
to take his son out for another walk through the park. As they were 
walking a pair of cowboys walk past them.
  The boy turns to his father and says, "Father, what strange men are 
these, whose balls hang in parentheses?"




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