Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued. "The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him. "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on. "That would be the usher," Charlie explained. "Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said. "You mean the aisle," Charlie said. "Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued. "Pew," Charlie retorted. "Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her." More than anything, my brother-in-law wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance. "This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows." "I see," said my brother-in-law, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?" It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot. I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want." The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Tom Cruise, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding." The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger's. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted.. "My God, I was riding the mare!" A Cowboy's Guide To Life Never squat with yer spurs on. There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey. Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment. Always drink upstream from the herd. Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Don't get mad at somebody who knows more 'n you do. It ain't their fault. Don't let so much reality into your life that there's no room left for dreamin'. Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'. Go after life as if it's something that's got to be roped in a hurry before it gets away. Makin' it in life is kinda like bustin' broncs: you're gonna get thrown a lot. The simple secret is to keep gettin' back on. Never grumble. It makes you about as welcome as a sidewinder in a cow camp. Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much. Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions. The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning. The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller. The first thing to do when you get up in the morning is put on your Stetson. The wildest critters live in the city! Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. Trust everybody in the game, but always cut the cards. You don't need decorated words to make your meanin' clear. Say it plain and save some breath for breathin'. Prior to her trip to Texas, Virginia had confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip the Lone Star State. She had wanted to taste some real Texas Bar B Que, take in a bonafide Texas Rodeo and "ride" a Texan. Upon her return, her sorority mates were curious as to how she fared. "Let me tell you, Buffy," she confided, "they have an indigenous bush down there called Mesquite - and when they slow cook that brisket over that mesquite wood, DAMN!!! That beef not only melts in your mouth, the taste is beyond belief!" "And the men? I went to a real rodeo...Talk about athletes! These guys wrestle real full-grown bulls like in Spain! Except they ride a horse at full gallop, throw a rope on these huge bulls, then jump off the horse and literally grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground, and tie'em up...and that's not all! Its a race!! They ALL do it and only the fastest gets prize money!" "Virginia! Come on, tell us!!! You said you wanted to "ride" a Texan! What the hell happened?" "Well," Virginia admitted, "I'll admit, I was tempted, but when I was at the rodeo and I saw the outline of the condoms in the back pocket of those Texan's jeans, I CHANGED MY MIND!" (For you all overseas, many or most of the "cowboys" keep a small can of tobacco snuff in their back packets which are about 2 and a half inches (60 cm) in diameter). A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the saloon, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MA HOSS?", he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER AND IF MA HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say, partner, before you go...What happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather vest, leatherchaps, and sneakers. The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?" The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it protects me then, too." "Why do you wear that leather vest?" "It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets where I can keep my valuables." "Well, why do you wear leather chaps?" "They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through mesquite and cactus." "Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you wear sneakers?" "That's so somebody won't think I'm a damn truck driver." A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left. A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV. "She's a horse's ass too," he said. A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and knocked him off his stool. "Damnit!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!" What is the difference between Country Music and Cowboy Music? Country Music is one guy singing about five women; Cowboy Music is five guys singing about one horse. A man and his son recently moved to Texas. One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park. During the walk the boy sees two cowboys walk by. "Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!" The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very nice language to use. A few minutes later, 2 more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, "Dad, look at those bow legged bastards!" The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, "I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else." Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys, walk by and once again the child yells, "Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!" "That's it!" the father yells, and takes the child home and locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare. Two weeks later, he lets his son out and notices that he has taken to speaking like Shakespeare wrote. This impressed the father so he decided to take his son out for another walk through the park. As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them. The boy turns to his father and says, "Father, what strange men are these, whose balls hang in parentheses?" |
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