The Genesis Of Windows
1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those
he created the Word.
2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And
God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said -
Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks
and hard disks and compact disks.
4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to
put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created
computers and called them hardware.
5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and
big...And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the
Memory.
6. And God said -I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will
make new programs and govern over the computers and Programs and Data.
7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God
showed the Programmer the Directory Tree and said You can use all the
volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.
8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He
took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a Creature that
would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love
the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature the User.
9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and
it was Good.
10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God And Bill
said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program
and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you
did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal.
You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your
mouse.
13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and
easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since
Windows could replace it.
14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the
Programmer that it was good.
15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers.
And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer
answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in
the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run
Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to!
16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated
by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you.
And you will always sell Windows.
17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows
will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have
to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers
help.
18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User
you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you
will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and
secured it with a password.
20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT
And it shall be called Windows
Microsoft is trying to add some humor to it's error messages in Windows
2000. Here are a couple of examples:
Printer not responding:
Got a pen and paper handy?
Three things are certain in life:
Taxes, death, and data loss.
Guess which has just occured?
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN WINDOWS '98
You get $10 off if you voluntarily give them your soul, but it's full
price if they have to force it out of you.
It is still possible to fix a sandwich and something to drink while
waiting for Start Up.
When you peel off the label on the CD, there's Window'95 label under it.
To open Netscape : Press ctrl d, alt 4, tab, tab, spell Nebraska
backwards and press enter, enter your gender, compose a 500-word essay.
Entering "Department of Justice" into Organization Field during setup
will crash system
New app monitors Bill Gates's wealth for you to see
Mix-up in shipping department sends a dog named "Bowser" with every copy
$1 off coupon for Mrs Smith's cream pie with Bill's home address on back
Includes sample bugs from upcoming Windows 2000!
Surgeon General has put a warning on Solitaire that repeated use may be
habit forming.
An Idiot's Guide to Windows 95 Ads
Multitasking: You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting!
Built-in Networking: You can crash several PC`s all at once.
No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash.
Microsoft Network: Connect with other Windows 95 users and talk about
your crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will be
organized.
PnP: Plug and Pray (that it works)
Multimedia: Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing.
Compatible with existing software: It will also crash your
existing software.
Increased Productivity: You will need to increase your budget to
buy more products like RAM and HardDrives. Better yet, get a new
computer! That`s product-ivity.
User-Friendly: Picture of clouds
State of the Art: Pay for Bill's next bid for a work of art.
Macintosh-like: It took Microsoft eleven years and it's not even original.
Online Registration: Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around
your harddrive. This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft's files
for the rest of your life.
MS Plus: More money for Bill's plus side.
Optimize: It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and cpu
so much so that you`ll end up upgrading your system. See "Increased
Productivity".
WIN 98 SOURCE CODE REVEALED:
/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Summer 1998
*/
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
{
bsod(random_err());
crash(to_dos_prompt);
}
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}
Complete List of Windows 95 Error Messages
WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh?
WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new
one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your
software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next
time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The
virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically
be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed.
Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered.
Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play
another game?
WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the
system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr: 625 Working Error - The system has been working perfectly for the
past ten minutes
WniErr: 902 Screen Error - The system is working perfectly, I'm not
lying, your monitor is wrong
WinErr: 72a Crucial Halt - Hang on, WHAT was that?
WinErr: 72b Memory Error - What? Tell me again.
WinErr: 39c Disk Error in drive a: - Although your disk is in perfect
condition (I just formatted it), I don't like it any more
WinErr: 983 Hard Disk Error - The files on the hard disk were neatly
arranged and fully optimised, so I had to mess them up and put
a couple of hundred .TMP files all over the place
WinErr: 294 BlackMail Error - $500 to Gates or your computer gets screwed
Winerr: 294b BlackMail Error - $500 to Gates or I'll show your wife the
JPG's you just downloaded
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