Operating Systems Jokes

Operating Systems Jokes

Top reasons USA is the real world Microsoft:

Arrogant. Believe they run the world. Is there anyone else?

People have a love/hate relationship to it. They love themselves.

Does not follow existing standards, or receive outside impulses.
Thus reinvents the wheel a lot.  Square shape.

Younger, yet still struggles with outdated legacies from its 
inception (Constitution/DOS).

Ruled by lawyers and corporate values. Individual freedom limited
through intellectual property laws - though you are told otherwise.

Uses strong-arm tactics/bullying when dealing with "partners".

Creates lots of self-congratulating hype through good marketing.

Focuses entirely on money.  Quality is less important.

Speak only the native language, unless specially equipped.

An evasive, self-contradicting leader named Bill.

Top ten reasons Europe is the real world UNIX:

Claim to be more literate and intellectual than the brute savages above.

Not one single entity, but a mixture of different systems.
Each system claims to be the perfect one, and to represent all.
Gets insulted when you confuse them.

A great past, then almost destroyed each other in internal wars.
Recently re-united with common interests, and reclaimed lost ground.

Interoperability based on formalized standards.

No huge Hollywood titles - small is beautiful.

Believe you can express yourself better in writing.

Not all titles are available for smaller languages/systems. 
Sometimes you still have to use English/Windows, to great dismay.

Research is more conceptual and academic, less business-driven.
Home of the greatest inventors and philosophers.

Everything is so fscking expensive.  Unless it's free.

Snotty, stuffy, cocky, elitist.

Why Client-server Computing used to be like teenage sex:
1. It was on everybody's mind all the time.
2. Everyone talked about it all the time.
3. Everyone thought everyone else is doing it.
4. Almost no one was REALLY doing it.
5. The few who were doing it are:
   a) Doing it poorly.
   b) Sure it will be better next time.
   c) Not practicing it safely.


The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem
to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it
difficult to remember what language you're currently using. The same
applies to Operating Systems .......

This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers
who find themselves in such a dilemma.

                           The Task:
                        GO TO THE STORE

MS-DOS (<=5.0):  You get in the car and try to remember where you
                 put your keys.

MS Dos 6.0:  You go to get in your car to GOTO THE STORE but the car 
has been run over by a steam roller.

Windows: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly,
because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.

Windows NT:  You get in the car and write a letter that says
"go to the store."  Then you get out of the car and mail
the letter to your dashboard.

Macintosh System 7:  You get in the car to go to the store,
and the car drives you to church.

UNIX:  You get in the car and type GREP STORE.  After reaching
speeds of 200 miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber 

Taligent/Pink:  You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban,
who tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you
to the store in his Learjet.

OS/2:  After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in 
the car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a
marching band in procession. Halfway there, the car blows up,
killing everybody in town.

S/36 SSP mainframe, obv.:  You get in the car and drive to
the store.  Halfway there you run out of gas.  While walking 
the rest of the way, you are run over by kids on mopeds.

AS/400:  An attendant locks you into the car and then drives 
you to the store, where you get to watch everybody else buy 
fillet mignons.

  The operating system for your Brain.  Which One???

  Windows for brains:
 You think about one of any number of things at anyone time but
only for a short amount of time because then your mind goes blank
as you encounter a "general  protection fault" and as a last
resort you have to re-boot your brain.

 DOS for brains:
 You only think of one thing at one time, and can't remember
anything else you were meant to be thinking about. You think 
only in words and never any pictures.

 Unix for brains:
 Wow - you  can think of lots of things all at once until your
brain runs out of sockets. You can only talk though with people
who have brains made by the same vendor. Unfortunately you also
never make any sense and have to read manuals to learn how to
think. Predominantly a random thinker.

 CP/M for brains:
 A very slow and old fashioned thinker. Any thing you remember
has to be less than 3 letters long.

 MVS/CICS for brains:
 You have a very big and expensive brain. You can think about
many things at the one time but never now what other parts of
your brain are thinking unless you have set up SNA connections
between sections of your brains. You also need an army of system
programmers to define what thoughts you may and may not have.

 OS/2 for brains:
 You can think about lots of things at once but need the
equivalent of eigteen sets of encyclopaedias in memory to 
produce any rational thought. No-one supports your way of  
thinking and many laugh at you whenever you speak.

 Mac for brains:
 Simple thoughts for simple people. Thinking that looks good,
feels good but is expensive.

 Pick for brains:
 I now narthing. Narthing Mr Fawlty.

Amigas for brains:
You can think of lots of things at once, even with a very small
memory. The trouble is that, sometimes, one thought starts to
think about the things another thought was using. This leads to 
a compelling need to wrap a teatowel around your head and sit,
crosslegged, on the floor.

 Linux for Brains:
You can think of any number of things and not run out of sockets.
Unfortunately, there is no support for your particular limbs,
ears, mouth or...thingy...available yet so you are reluctant
to change over at this stage.

If Operating Systems Were Beers...

DOS Beer

Requires you to use your own can opener, and that you read the directions
carefully before opening the can.  Originally came in an 8oz can, but now
comes in a 16oz can.  The can is divided into eight compartments of 2oz
each, which have to be accessed separately.  Soon to be discontinued,
although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no
longer available.

Mac Beer

At first came only in a 16oz can, but now comes in a 32oz can.
considered by many to be a "light" Beer.  All the cans look
identical.  When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself.  
The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about 
the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need  to know." A 
notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the

Windows 3.1 Beer

The world's most popular Beer. Comes in a 16oz can that looks 
a lot like Mac Beer's.  Requires that you already own a DOS 
Beer.  Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers 
simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of 
them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the
Windows Beer at the same time.  Sometimes, for no apparent 
reason, can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer

Comes in a 32oz can.  Does allow you to drink several DOS 
Beers imultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer 
simultaneously too, but somewhat lower. Advertises that 
the cans won't explode when you open them, even if you
shake them up.  You never see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, 
but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) 
claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer

Only just out, Windows 95 Beer looks a lot like Mac Beer 
but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer.  It comes in 32oz 
cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16oz 
of Beer in them.  Most people will probably keep drinking
Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer 
and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look
 at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that 
come in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer claims
this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer

Comes in 32oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload.
This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger 
refridgerators.  The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, 
but the company promises to change the can to look just like 
Windows 95 Beer's.  Touted as an "industrial strength"
beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Risc OS Beer

A connoisseur's beer, brewed in England. Has more character than fizzy
American beers, but doesn't sell well because it has a characteristic
nutty taste. The 32oz cans stay cool without requiring a refrigerator.
Kept in production by 'real ale' enthusiasts, Risc OS beer may soon
become popular with Americans, although they won't realise they're 
drinking it.

If Operating Systems were Airlines

DOS AIR All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane,
push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground
again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on,

WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants
are all very attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense.
After your plane arrives 6 months late, you begin to wonder why it has not
arrived yet. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds,
and at 20,000 feet it crashes without warning. 

MAC AIRWAYS The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same,
feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they
reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please
return to your seat and watch the movie. 

OS/2 SKYWAYS The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective
passengers milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologising
profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the
sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each
passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much
safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a
little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. 

FLY WINDOWS NT All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac,
placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their
arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying. 

WINGS of OS/400 The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and
safest planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them
look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your
every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230
per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket
and membership in the frequent flyer club. 

MVS AIRLINES The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of
technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This
plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the
passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200
technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the
engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the
hangar doors! 

UNIX EXPRESS Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of
tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about
what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together.
Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the
same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All
passengers believe they got there.


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