Internet Jokes



Internet Jokes



Help for Internet Addiction
 
 Hello.
 
 Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online.
You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror
lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?
 
 Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is
concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics
Anonymous, we can help.
 
 We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself
that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings 
designed to help you cope with your problem.
 
 We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme cases,
interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never
"cured," you most certainly can recover.
 
 We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an
addict. Do you:
   1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
   2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
   3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
   4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
   5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only
      to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company
      you'll never do business with anyway?
   6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal      
      preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
   7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
   8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd 
      usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
   9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
  10) All of the above?
 
 If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you
 have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:
            1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE'SSAKE.
 
 We're here, we're free, and we're confidential.
 The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.
 
 Call us today.
 If you can power off to free up your phone line,that is.
 
 


Signs that You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web

Your opening line is: "So, what's your homepage address?"

You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see 
 "Enhanced for Internet Explorer 4.0" on one of the clouds.

You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally 
depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links.

You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.

One of your best friends is Mirsky, and you've never met him.

You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane
on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy 
guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and 
certain death, and you desperately look for the "Back" button.

You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything" 
again and again and again.

Your dog has his own webpage.

So does your hamster.

When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to
click on the underlined passages.





12 STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR WEB ADDICTS

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read
   my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and
   not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes,
   and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate
   few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling
   them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week,
    if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget
    to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed
    sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!




Reasons Why the Internet is Like A Penis

Some folks have it, some don't. 

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. 

They think it gives them power. They are wrong. 

Those who don't have it may agree that it's an nifty toy, but think 
it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. 
Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down.  It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it 
hard to get any real work done.
 
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information 
considered vital to the survival of the species.  Some people still 
think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today 
use it for fun most of the time.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.  Some people 
would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this 
interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. 

Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with
until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can 
spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too 
much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size 
and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda.   Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, 
it will warp you behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth 
did I do that?"

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will do
the same damn dumb things it did before.

 


THE AMISH BBS
 
 The Amish BBS offers all of the latest files for the 1880's.  Carefully
 hand-uploaded by authentic 18th-century blacksmiths and delivered using
 only the finest horses, the Amish BBS's file areas are filled with over
 a hundred bytes of valuable scrolls.
 
 These fine scrolls include:
 
    * HORSECAD.ARC Program for designing horseshoes on Babbage Difference
      Engine
 
    * CANDLE.TXT A selection of "How many __________ does it take to
       change  a candle" jokes
 
    * INTERNET.SYS Guide to building a simple net interface from chicken
       wire, twine and small segments of grapevine.
 
    * MANURE.ARJ This winter, save gold by heating your barn with natural
       gas.
 
    * OS2WIN95.ARJ Trying to decide between OS/2 and Win'95?  Either way,
       I  reckon you'll need to upgrade the family abacus to eight million
       beads.
 
    * STRAYPIG.ZIP Don't let passing traffic frighten the livestock; 
       for the price of a few donuts, you can put a pig on patrol at
       your gate.
 
    * NOAH.ZOO.ARC A .ZOO file that someone tried to .ARC; Lord knows
       why. 
 [Data is delivered daily by horse-drawn carriage] At the Amish BBS, your
 data arrives on time.
 
 ...and there's more:
 
 DOORS
      A wide selection of external doors, meticulously carved by the
      finest craftspeople, include on-line milk and coal doors, as well 
      as interfaces to accommodate a wide variety of livestock
 
 FIDONET
      A team of trained sled dogs speedily deliver your important
     messages.  At worst, they might arrive a little dog-eared.
 
 INTERNET RELAY CHAT
      Foot messengers and town criers relay friendly words to
      neighbouring farms in real-time.
 
 MUD
      A source of hours of interactive entertainment, the Multi-User
      Donkey represents a challenge during every plowing match.
 
 GOPHER
      A simple mouse-click activates this small furry critter.
 
 WORLD-WIDE WEB
      Developed by a specially-trained spider team, this handy 
      debugging tool keeps the flies off the horses.
 
 DEDICATED T1
      Our dedicated T1 (one piece of twine) ensures reliable connections.
 
 So what are you waiting for? Call the Amish BBS this year!
 
 For more info, contact: blacksmith@amish-bbs.net




Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password
 By Dave Fore

  10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

  9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

  8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like
          alt.recreational.catnip.

  7. Your web browser has a new home page: .

  6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.

  5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release
          of "CyberDog."

  4 Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

  3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax
          and WarCat II.

  2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

  1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.




  Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known 
as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared
through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy.  However, as you'll
see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript
of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex.
Then again, maybe he does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high
heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements
are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on
a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also
wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from
dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the
stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into
your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and
begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk
slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and
rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft
breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck.
Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my
breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your
tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm
nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and
phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of
my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with
a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over,
in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.
And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost.
Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so
badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked
bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for
the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle,
but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.
Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling 
my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in
your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss
your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand
it another second! Slide in!  Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look
on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.
I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,
picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of
our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing
at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: logged off





To my darling husband... 

Dear John, 

  I am sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope 
so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, 
but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since 
the Internet entered our lives two years ago. 
  The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome 
boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family 
portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was 
excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You 
would be proud of him. 
  Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did 
at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still 
remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday.
What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the 
electricity was out. 
  I am also doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and was delighted
to discover that it really is more fun. Lars--I mean Mr. Swenson, the
department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a 
good friend to us all. I have discovered that the household chores are 
much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed around,
although that feather duster does make you sneeze. The house is in good
shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you 
noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut air holes in the drop 
cloth so you wouldn't smother. Well, dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars
- Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is 
packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of thing while
we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and 
bring your meals to your desk, -just the way you like it. I hope you 
and the Internet have a lovely time while we are gone. 
  Tommy, Jen and I think of you often - try to remember us while you're
downloading. 

Love, Mary.




How To Know Whether You're Addicted to the Internet

Your service provider calls *you* for tech support

Someone at school/work tells you a joke and you say "LOL!"

Three words:  carpal tunnel syndrome

You come home from somewhere and wait for your friends to say "re."

You get a second phone line, just so you can call Domino's.

You raise your hand in school and say "BRB"

You begin to say hehehe instead of laughing.

You know and regularly use more than 10 different ways to smile in 
ascii text.  

When someone says "What did you say?", you automatically say "scoll up!"

You marry your cybergirl/boyfriend and the two of you sit across
the room typing love messages to each other.

You comment, while watching a sunset, that the image would be enhanced
with 10% more magenta and a higher resolution.

When someone tells you about a great new program and you're very
disappointed to find that it's on TV.

If while driving down the street, you are confused by the numbers 
on the houses - they do not appear to be legitimate WWW addresses.

When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service
Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out the window.

When you start using phrases like: Hungry.must-eat.food.now@home.com.

If you call in sick because you found a great new web site.

If you can type your top 10 favourite Web sites, by heart.

If your fingers quit moving because you've been online for 36 hours.

If your net provider suggests you try a competitor because you're
exceeding 300 hours a month connect time.

When your desk collapses under the weight of the computer peripherals.

If you try to press Alt-F4 to close your car window.

Your wife wants a diamond for her birthday, and you get her a 
Diamond Stealth Video Card.

You're in bed, making it, and it reminds you of how it must 
feel to be a floppy disk going into your new drive.

You know what PPP, SLIP, HTML & FTP mean...but damned if you 
can remember your wife's maiden name.

You sit in front of the tv...trying to type at a keyboard. 

You "right click"....on your wife's nipples. 

The "cute name" for your member has changed to "Joystick"....
and you hold it the same way.

You find out that Hemerrhoids aren't THAT painful, as long as 
you're on the 'Net.

When someone yells out "What's for supper?" you do a search for SUPPER.COM.

Whenever your wife mentinons "protection", you remind yourself 
that you gotta get a keyboard protector.

You suspect there's a virus in your mashed potatoes. 

You're starting to get an erection when you look at computer upgrades. 

If you smoke away from the machine, you notice that the breaks 
are getting shorter and less frequent.

The optometrist looks deep in your eyes, and sees a screen saver. 

You finally save up enough to visit the Grand Canyon, and you 
can't help but wonder how it would look on a 21" SVGA.

"Not tonight, I have a headache" has been replaced with "Not 
tonight, I finally got connected".

Your computer room has a better air conditioner than your bedroom. 

You wonder if you can install your own fiber optics telephone line 
to your server.

You speak of "Your Server" with the same reverence you used to 
reserve for your Doctor?

You never met the guy, but you've already decided on a plan to 
assasinate Bill Gates.

You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a
cellular modem and a laptop.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a
new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never
had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved
and you don't have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear
if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of
what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all
of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog or cat has its own home page.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no
idea where your children are.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and
even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on
your favorite IRC channel.

You code your homework in HTML and give your tutor the URL.

You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because 
they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You tell the cab driver you live at:
  http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's
got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

Your tatoo says "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher."

The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in
front of your computer with a toilet.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you
buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two 
of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road,
your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

A friend calls and says, "How are you? Your phones been busy...for a year!

You forgot how to work the tv remote control.

You call the radio station to request your favorite.wavs.

Your spouse wants sex, so you send her to the other computer
and get a private room.

You name your kid Steve Case.

You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU GOT MAIL.

You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 mins.

You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.

You think an obituary says a funeral will be followed by the 
"Internet" in a cemetery.

Someone says she put on net stockings, and you wonder if they're 
made out of World Wide Web.

You ask a friend, "What's that big shiny thing?"
He says, "It's the sun.

You think Webster's Dictionary is a directory of WEB sites.

You think rec room is a new newsgroup.

When asked for your address on a form, you put internet address.

When using your phone you forget that you don't _have_ to use 
your keyboard.

You see a mosaic display at the art gallery and wonder how to 
access it without a mouse.

You think Edgar Alan Poe wrote "The Pit and the Pentium."

Someone slips a disk, and you offer to format him another one.

You think "intelligent" means a refined computer user.

Your boss asks you to "go fer" coffee and you come up with 235 FTP sites.

You're upset because an obituary fails to mention the deceased's 
new E-Mail address.

You try to order a movie from Blockbuster video by downloading it 
at 28,800 BPS.

You try to download chips and beer for the movie.

All the household pets mimic the soundblaster card for attention.

You hide the AOL bill from the spouse because you may have to 
sell the family car to pay it.

You start naming the children, Prompt, Enter, Retry, & Abort to Continue.

The kids respond to Archie, Veronica, & Jughead only and you call
your pet dog Gopher.

The pizza in the fridge asks to be moved further from what used
to be the meatloaf.

You try to pay the paperboy via electronic transfer.

You've been surfing all day, have no tan, and the only water you've 
come in contact with is in the glass next to you.

You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your
significant other.

You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".

If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish
to meet, your first thought is to IM her.

If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that you
wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish he'd IM you.

You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned since the 
"real" world is at your fingertips.

When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually
transmitted diseases.

You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 23 people,
you inform management that there is an error.

When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" 
at you.

You go up to people you are attracted to "in real life" and ask them
for their GIF.

Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience.

You know what a "snert" is.

You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to 
"check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was online".

You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.

When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is wishing
they'd be on AOL so you don't have to meet them in person.

You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or
complete sentences.

You have met over 100 AOLers.

When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have a
profile you ask them for an age/sex/location check.

You keep telling yourself to Get a Life.

When someone online says BRB, gotta go pee, you ask them to go for
you, and think they can.

You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.

You are on the phone a minute and need to do something else and
say "BRB" or "BBL".

You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail (a.k.a. snail mail).

You go into withdrawals during dinner.

You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say good-bye to
everyone in a room.

You stop speaking in full sentences.

You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up
"giving" tech support to other AOLers.

You sign on and immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you 
on their buddy list.

You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where
people are you have met.

You look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your 
ignore button handy.

You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.

Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting and
you think , "Uh oh, cyber sex perv."

You go through "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for
more than a few hours.

Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.

You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.

You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's 
welcome screen.

You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come 
home from work.

You don't know where the time has gone.

You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters 
by hand.

Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you
have had.

You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the 
computer instead.

You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.

 You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or kisses.

You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.

Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & 
I will TTYL".

You type faster than you think.

You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing
therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.

You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.

You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.

You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that
scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.

People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes and
fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"

You dream in "text".

Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.

There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room and you're 
really bored.

You don't want to leave in case you miss something.

You double click your TV remote.

You can now type over 70 wpm.

You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".

You sit in front of the computer reading idiotic cyber stand up 
comedy like this.




Q: What is the Information Superhighway?

A: It's just like the internet, except:

   o  it's a lot more expensive.
   o  you can't post and there's no killfile.
   o  there's no alt.sex.* or alt.drugs
   o  rec.humor.funny has a laugh track.
   o  there's a commercial break every 10 minutes.
   o  everything is formatted to 40 columns for TV's.
   o  the free software costs you $2.00/megabyte to ftp, 
      more for long distance.

A: It's just like cable TV, except:

   o  it's a lot more expensive.
   o  the picture isn't as good.
   o  there's 500 channels of Pay-per-View and home-shopping.
   o  you can watch any episode of Gilligan's Island or any 
      Al Gore speech for only $2.00.
   o  no public access channels.
   o  there's a commercial break every 10 minutes.

A: It's just like renting videos, except:

   o  it's a lot more expensive.
   o  there's only 1/100th as many to choose from.
   o  no porno.
   o  there's no pause, fast-forward, or rewind, and it 
      costs you another $3.95 if you want to watch twice.
   o  there's a commercial break every 10 minutes.

A: It's just like the telephone, except:

   o  it's a lot more expensive.
   o  there's no one to talk to.
   o  there's a commercial break every 10 minutes.
   o  every number is a toll call.




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