Hardware Jokes

Hardware Jokes

  Heard recently from an IBM field service manager:
  A huge travel agency in Florida (a major booker of Caribbean cruises 
for blue-haired retired ladies) recently bought an IBM 3090 to run the 
reservation database.  When the deal was consummated, the proud new 
owner asked IBM to install it in a big glass room right behind the 
receptionist's area so all the customers could see the flashing lights 
and spinning tape reels as they walked in, a testimony to the modernity 
of the agency.  Good idea, except there are no blinking lights on a 3090.
  So the service manager offered to build some.  They hired a theatrical 
designer to come up with a suitably futuristic "set", got curved glass 
walls to minimize reflections, and installed the mainframe behind the 
"real-looking" facade.  The customer declared that it was exactly what 
he had in mind, regardless of what the actual computer looks like.
  Moral: the customer is always right.


This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
A special circuit in the machine called a 'Critical Detector' senses 
the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is 
to use the machine. The 'Critical Detector' then creates a malfunction
proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine
with violence only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use
another machine may cause it to malfunction also.  After all, they 
belong to the same union. Keep cool and say pleasant things to the 
machine. Nothing else seems to work.

Moral: Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.

                    ** ACHTUNG! **

  Das machine is nicht fur Gerfingerpoken und mittengraben.
Is easy schnappen der Springenwerk blowenfusen und poppencorken 
mit spitzensparken.  Is nicht fur gerwerken by `Dummkopfen'.  
Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepin hands in das pockets.  
Relaxen und watch das Blinkinlights.


Alles Touristen Und Non-technishen Lookens Peepers!  Das Machine 
control is Nicht Fur Gerfingenpoken Und Mittengrabben.  Oderwise 
is Easy Schnappen Der Springenwerk, Blowenfuse, Und Poppencorken 
Mit Spitzensparken.  Der Machine is Diggen by Experten Only.  Is 
Nicht Fur Gerverken by Das Dummkopfen.  Das Rubberneken Sightseenen 
Keepen Das Cottonpicken Hands in Das Pockets, So Relaxen Und Watchen 
Das Blinkenlights.

  Who wants a FREE Laptop?  This is such a great offer that I hope
you're sitting down before you read this so you don't injure yourself
fainting from the shock of this fabulous deal! You're now saying to 
yourself, 'But don't Laptops cost thousands of dollars?'  Of course 
they can and that's why getting a FREE Laptop is such a GREAT deal. 
So HOW can I get my FREE Laptop?  It's really very simple. 
Look down...FREE Laptop.
What? You expected something for nothing!?

Did you hear about the successor to RU-486?
It's called RU-Pentium.  It prevents the embryo's cells from 
dividing correctly. 


 Q:  How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 A:  1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.

 Q:  What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on
 A:  The warning label.

 Q:  What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
 A:  Successive approximations.

 Q:  Complete the following word analogy:  Add is to Subtract as Multiply
     is to:
         1)  Divide
         2)  ROUND
         3)  RANDOM
         4)  On a Pentium, all of the above
 A:  Number 4.

 Q:  What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point  divider?
 A:  "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

 Q:  Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
 A:  Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got



   9.9999973251   It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
   8.9999163362   It's Close Enough, We Say So
   7.9999414610   Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
   6.9999831538   You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
   5.9999835137   Redefining the PC -- and Mathematics As Well
   4.9999999021   We Fixed It, Really
   3.9998245917   Division Considered Harmful
   2.9991523619   Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
   1.9999103517   We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
   0.9999999998   The Errata Inside

Now that the Pentium II has been released, it's time for ver 1.98:

Q: What do you call an Energizer bunny that never stops screwing?
A: A Pentium II bunny that multiplies constantly, but never divides.

Q: Why is the Pentium 2 called Pentium II?
A: Because the Romans never figured out floating points.   

Q: What did the Pentium II designers tell the waiter when they went 
   to a fancy restaurant to celebrate their new chip?
A: "If we wanted exactly 2 tables, why would we bring this axe?"


Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed
specifically for Windows. {Sources say a Macintosh variant is in 
the works.} In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard,
Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your 
Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, 
so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far

1) GPF key -- This key will instantly generate a General Protection
Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose
of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need
to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

2) $$ key -- When this key is pressed, money is transferred 
automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the 
need for further action or third party intervention.

3) ZD key -- This key was developed specifically for reviewers 
of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative 
adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or 
Windows within the file being edited.

4) MS key -- This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing 
for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.

5) FUD key -- Some thing to do with the display...self explanatory.

6) Chicago key -- Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.

7) GateIBM key -- Searches your hard disk for operating systems or 
applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. 
(Is very effective at removing Netscape).

8) MSN Key -- With a single keystroke you will install and setup the
world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you 
thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 95!

9) RW95 Key -- Stands for Re-install Windows 95. Because it's usually 
a weekly ritual for most Win 95 users, why not make it easier?

10) FDISK Key -- Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 
100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, 
but we all know what it really stands for.

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