Diskette Jokes

Diskette Jokes

Proper Care of Floppy Diskettes

Follow all of these instructions carefully for error-free floppies!!

Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of 
the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.  Diskettes 
should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a month.  Microscopic 
metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over 
the surface of the disk.  Any stubborn metallic shavings can be 
removed with scouring powder and soap.  When waxing the diskettes, 
make sure the surface is even.  This will allow the diskette to 
spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big"
diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down.  The data can 
fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics 
of the drive.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox 
machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply 
insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a 
document, the data will be written on both diskettes.

Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while 
the red light is flashing.  Doing so could result in smeared or 
possibly unreadable text.  Occasionally the red light remains 
flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state.  If 
your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a 
few coins before being allowed access to the slot.

If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove 
the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This 
will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more 
storage.  Be sure to cover all the openings with Scotch Tape to 
prevent loss data.

Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the 
diskette jacket.  This will provide more simultaneous access points 
to the disk.

Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided 
that they are properly waxed beforehand.  Be sure to wipe the 
diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)

Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents.  The data 
is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up 
with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your 
document.  Razor blades and Scotch Tape may be used, however, 
provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system 
bugs from spreading.

Further to point 2 - diskettes should be cleaned in a 50/50 mix 
of molasses and water. If water is unavalible a medium grade 
industrial solvent can be substituted.

Remeber to pry the case apart, when cleaning and clean in the 

Diskettes do not like extreme heat. When drying diskettes in the 
toaster, have the toaster on a low or medium setting.

Store diskettes in a cool place. In a bowl of water in the fridge 
will provide ideal conditions.

If you diskettes make unusual noises when in the disk drive, 
apply a teaspoon of auto transmission fluid directly to the 
disk surface.

Do not touch the diskette surface with your fingers. To check for
smoothness, use the tip of your tounge.

When using your diskettes in another computer, put the diskette 
in a condom to avoid viruses.

REMEMBER! Software piracy is illegal. after you have loaded 
software, superglue the protective door shut to guard against 
unauthorised copying. Don't forget to do your friends' disks 
too, after you have copied their software.

Guard your diskettes against theft. Hide the diskettes in a safe 
place. Under the fridge, in the bottom of the toaster or in the
 vacuum cleaner bag are all good locations.

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