For those of you not on AOL - they have recently started putting up a message when you've been online for 46 minutes making sure you are really there and active. 1 You have been online for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay online? Please respond within 10 min. or you will be logged off. 2 You have been online for 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there ARE other people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some sorry consideration for our fellow members and sign off, whaddya say? 3 You DO realize that you've been online for 184 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside? 4 OK. This is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to piss us off! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your Buddy List OK? Yep, Finally 5 You have been online for 360 minutes now!! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up NOW and go read a good book? 6 You have been online for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members' names? 7 You have been online for 513 minutes. Your husband has left you and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain online? 8 You have been online 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord.... 9 You have been online 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many HOURS that is?" 10 You have been online for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day due to busy phone lines? Please sign-off to reduce these averages, or go to keyword: CLASS ACTION to join a lawsuit. 11 You have been online for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited they didn't think you would take it literally. Now get the Hell off before we go broke! 12 You have been on 1,013 minutes. This is Steve I need to sign on myself and answer some mail. Could you please sign off? Thanks! 13 You have been cybering for 1059 minutes. Didn't your mom ever tell you that'd make you go blind? Please sign off now while you can still read this message. 14 You have been on 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? Geez click OK already!!! 15 You have been on 1151 minutes Welcome to our team... see job application enclosed. (if you can't beat em hire em) But don't return by email. Diary of an AOL User. July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can getand I can get all the porn and stuff I want, hehehehe. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong. July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am? July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused. July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online. July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound. July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused. July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all. July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone. July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not usenet. July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard. JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION. AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON. AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES. AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE. AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES. AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY. AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET? I CAN TYPE LIKE THIS IF I WANT TO, IT'S MY COMPUTER SO THERE. August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money. August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find. When I get more money I am going to get a bigger monitor, then people can see my messages better. August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more. Need to have more meows and other little stuff so people think I am kewl. Hehehehe August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. This Wurk guy is so dumb, I wonder what a millin is? I wonder what an aol is? Some messages on there are so stupid, hope I never meet an aol. This guy Bombz thinks everyone is aol, he's so stupid. August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group. August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words. August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like. August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. Now how can I get my porn pictures? I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb. Well I don't care, got two more disks in the mail, I will get on a bunch more times. If AOL Made Cars The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later. and later.....and later....and oh forget it. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months. any doubts...ask Woodstream bout this! If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair, but they'd be available 24 hours a day to screw up your car! Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun. Punt this! but Officer....I WAS driving on the road.. I don't know what happened... next thing I knew I was off the highway! It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age? Car wouldn't come with profile feature...oh no! It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are. Some compacts would claim to be Limos... AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye." IF AOL WERE A CITY... You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all females were HOT 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex! You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck! Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99! The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard! 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.cuntsmack.com! If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really important you are to us!" The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-ass company somewhere else! Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue! Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you violently screaming, "M/F??!!", "AGE/SEX?!?!" Those that didn't do the above would call you and say, "Hi, I'm J0e Haxor from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family!" Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE!" Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license plate and laugh behind your back! Your three-year-old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert! You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it's really the Earth's fault! You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they'd wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms! You wouldn't have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in late at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap, and vacate before sunrise! Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout, "HEY! YOU DO WANT A GODDA*N AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" You reply, "HELL NO!" The voice then replies, "OKAY, I'LL ASK YOU AGAIN TOMORROW!" |
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