Diary of an AOL User.
July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is
the best online service I can get and I can get all the porn and stuff
I want, hehehehe. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto
it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't
know what is wrong.
July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
think I am?
July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It
wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old
next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.
July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he
says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and
he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks
who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications
software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack
holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they
have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone
jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem
makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.
July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not
this internet thing. I'm confused.
July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this
America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is
compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.
July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer
but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm
connected to America Online not usenet.
July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.
How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.
Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN
ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS
THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A
CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT
THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I
DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN
IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO
LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT
CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT
THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE
ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA!
HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS
GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE.
I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO
REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE
AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE
AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.
WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING!
HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET? I CAN TYPE LIKE
THIS IF I WANT TO, IT'S MY COMPUTER SO THERE.
August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its
probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited.
I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted
it to every newsgroup I could find. When I get more money I am going to
get a bigger monitor, then people can see my messages better.
August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will
have to work on it some more. Need to have more meows and other little
stuff so people think I am kewl. Hehehehe
August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few
posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the
earth. This Wurk guy is so dumb, I wonder what a millin is? I wonder what
an aol is? Some messages on there are so stupid, hope I never meet an aol.
This guy Bombz thinks everyone is aol, he's so stupid.
August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something.
Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but
I can't find that group.
August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking
where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the
kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house
he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they
wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I
don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe
they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts
of the joke and they used bad words.
August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my
new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want
to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that
short story I like.
August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing.
Now how can I get my porn pictures? I told him I don't have an account
at his bank. He's so dumb. Well I don't care, got two more disks in the
mail, I will get on a bunch more times.
If AOL Made Cars
The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a
200 MPH speedometer.
The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic
8-Track tape player.
The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this
and try again later. and later.....and later....and oh forget it.
The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver
from seeing better cars.
AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the
Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for
no apparent reason.
The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a
pretty colors and lights.
The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats
for family members.
Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make
payments for 6 months. any doubts...ask Woodstream bout this!
If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the
car off of them.
The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls
to other AOL car cell phones.
AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving
near other car dealerships.
AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair, but they'd
be available 24 hours a day to screw up your car!
Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars
stall just for fun. Punt this! but Officer....I WAS driving on the
road.. I don't know what happened... next thing I knew I was off the
It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave
Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder,
M/F/age? Car wouldn't come with profile feature...oh no!
It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry
another AOL car owner.
AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they
really are. Some compacts would claim to be Limos...
AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no
other cars have them.
Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
IF AOL WERE A CITY...
You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and
all females were HOT 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced
gay Dobermans in spandex!
You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you
tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck!
Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted
by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL 14.4
modems for only $399.99!
The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you
try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into
48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with
special offers, promotions and discounts from www.cuntsmack.com!
If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a
form letter saying how you "really important you are to us!"
The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move
his slack-ass company somewhere else!
Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn,
and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue!
Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you violently
screaming, "M/F??!!", "AGE/SEX?!?!"
Those that didn't do the above would call you and say, "Hi, I'm J0e
Haxor from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your
tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house
or we will be forced to evict you and your family!"
Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a
bouncer screaming, 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE!"
Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license
plate and laugh behind your back!
Your three-year-old son would know the intimate personal details of
the town security expert!
You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer
telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but
that it's really the Earth's fault!
You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they'd
wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms!
You wouldn't have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals
would move in late at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap, and
vacate before sunrise!
Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout, "HEY! YOU DO
WANT A GODDA*N AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?"
You reply, "HELL NO!"
The voice then replies, "OKAY, I'LL ASK YOU AGAIN TOMORROW!"
For those of you not on AOL - they have recently started putting
up a message when you've been online for 46 minutes making sure
you are really there and active.
1 You have been online for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay online?
Please respond within 10 min. or you will be logged off.
2 You have been online for 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on
you, but there ARE other people in the world who would like to
sign on. Let's show some sorry consideration for our fellow members
and sign off, whaddya say?
3 You DO realize that you've been online for 184 minutes, right?
When was the last time you went outside?
4 OK. This is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to piss us
off! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your Buddy List OK? Yep,
5 You have been online for 360 minutes now!! We promised you unlimited
time, we know, but can't you just finish up NOW and go read a good
6 You have been online for 467 minutes.
Do you remember your family members' names?
7 You have been online for 513 minutes. Your husband has left you
and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain online?
8 You have been online 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally
to your house to yank the phone cord....
9 You have been online 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many HOURS that is?"
10 You have been online for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL
averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do
you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day due to busy
phone lines? Please sign-off to reduce these averages, or go to
keyword: CLASS ACTION to join a lawsuit.
11 You have been online for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited they
didn't think you would take it literally. Now get the Hell off
before we go broke!
12 You have been on 1,013 minutes. This is Steve I need to sign on
myself and answer some mail. Could you please sign off? Thanks!
13 You have been cybering for 1059 minutes. Didn't your mom ever tell
you that'd make you go blind? Please sign off now while you can
still read this message.
14 You have been on 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting
in shifts? Geez click OK already!!!
15 You have been on 1151 minutes Welcome to our team... see job
application enclosed. (if you can't beat em hire em) But don't
return by email.