Circus Jokes

Circus Jokes


 
  Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer
was placed in the local paper.
  Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.
  The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he
would choose the one with the best act.
  At first glance it appeared that the female was much better
prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing 
cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a 
trainer. The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar 
stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips.
  The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said,
"Ladies before Gentleman."
  So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once 
the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip 
snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.
  The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw
aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as 
naked as the day she was born.
  The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air, then suddenly
leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started
licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by 
the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around
the cage.
  Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act.
Think you can do better than that?"
  The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, 
just get that tiger out of the cage!"



  One day a young man was visiting the fair, over to one side 
was a small tent, with a sign that said "For 50 dollars I'll 
teach you to be a mind reader! - Apply within"
  So the young man thought that he'd give it a go, and went
inside. Behind a small table inside was an old man, who looked 
up when the young man entered and says, "Ah, you must be here 
for the mind reading lessons."
  "Er, yes" the young man said
  "Well, follow me, and I'll give you your first lesson."
  Then the old man goes out the back of the tent and walks over 
to a hose, which he picks up one end of. "here, hold this hose."
  "Why?" said the young man.
  "It's part of the lesson," replies the old man, "Now, look in 
the end and tell me what you see."
  So the young man looks into the end of the hose, and only sees 
darkness.
  "I don't see anything," he tells the old man.
  Just then the old man turns on a tap, and the hose shoots water 
into the young mans face, "I just knew you'd do something like 
that!" the young man shouts at the old man.
  "There, you are now a mind reader!" the old man replies, "That'll 
be 50 dollars"

 
 
  A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. 
One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer.  The husband was 
extremely dejected.  The strong man asked him what he was going 
to do.
  The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where 
I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."



  A boy was asked what he had done on the weekend.
  He explained, "Sunday I went to the circus, because 
one of us kids had to take Dad!"



The knife swallower finally solved his cholesterol problem. 
He stopped swallowing butter knives!



  A man was desperate for work.  He read an ad about the circus 
coming to town and needing somebody for an important job.  After 
a brief interview as to his character and background, the man was 
accepted.  His job was to put on a tiger's skin and work the 
tightrope in imitation of a real tiger.
  During his debut performances, he became frightened and fell 
into a cage in which a lion pranced.  The lion came at him, 
roaring.  The man-tiger tried to roar back, failed to get a sound 
out, and started to run around the ring.
  The lion caught up with him after a moment and said, "Don't be 
such a fraidycat.  You're not the only guy who needed a job!"



Yes but do you know the difference between a Circus and Burlesque.
One is a cunning array of stunts.



What's special about Clown Farts?
  (they smell funny)



THE TOP LEAST FAVORITE CARNIVAL ATTRACTIONS

The Rosanne-On-Top Ride

Guess Your Last Meal

Whack-A-Real-Live-Mole

O.J. the Bald-Faced Liar:
  Hear Mr. Simpson's own *true* account!  No two stories are the 
same, guaranteed!

The Amazing Bubba and his Dancing Snake
 -- Half-Democrat, Half-Republican!

Extinguo
 -- The man who puts out fires with phlegm!

The Amazing Perspiro
 -- World's Sweatiest Man!

Phil the Uncircumcised Guy



My cousin just died.  He was only 19.  He got stung by a bee 
- the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."



How do you kill a whole circus?
Go for the juggler.



  As a professional clown, John entertains groups at parties 
and company picnics. Once, an inebriated guest began heckling 
him in the middle of a performance, disrupting his act.
  Trying to ignore him wasn't working, so he used a different 
tactic. Slipping his arm around his shoulder, John looked him 
in the eye and said, "Mister, I get paid to dress up and make 
a fool of myself -- what's your excuse?"  
  He said not another word.           
 


  The following is an old anecdote, but a good one.  Sometime 
in the early 1900's, P.  T.  Barnum, the owner of the Barnum 
& Bailey circus and originator of the phrase "There's a sucker
 born every minute" offered $10,000 in cash to any person who 
could thoroughly dupe, or sucker, him.
  Barnum was always looking for interesting new acts or novel 
creatures to exhibit, and one day he received a letter from a 
fellow in Maine who claimed to possess a cherry-colored cat 
and asked if Barnum were interested in such a thing for his 
circus.  Barnum contacted the man and said yes, if the cat 
were truly cherry-colored, he'd gladly put it on display.
  Well, a few days later a crate marked "live animal" arrived 
for him.  When Barnum opened it, he found a somewhat frightened
ut otherwise perfectly ordinary-looking black housecat inside, 
along with a note which read:
  Maine cherries are black.
  There's a sucker born every minute...
  Thoroughly tickled, Barnum sent the man a check for $10,000.  
(I'm not sure what happened to the cat, I think Barnum may have 
kept it as a reminder of the day he got suckered.)



What's the difference between a circus and a single's bar?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.



Hear about the tragedy at the circus?
Seems the Indian rubber man screwed the Tattooed woman.  
By the time they finished, he had erased her.



  This guy goes to the circus. He's watching the show and it's pretty
good. These clowns are doing their schtick when suddenly one gets the
microphone and says, "Will the person in section 42, row GG, seat 12
please stand up."
  Well, the guy checks his ticket an lo and behold it is his seat! So 
he stands up.  The clown says "Well, there's the horse's ass, where's 
the horse?"
  Everyone in the crown laughs and the guy feels like a complete tool.
  He's so bummed out that he goes to this school for Quick Wit Retort
where he learns to be really funny.  He gets so good at it that he 
goes around teaching people how to be funny.
  So years later the circus is back in town.  The guy goes and makes 
sure he gets the same seat.  During the clown show, this clown says,
"Will the person in section 42, row GG, seat 12 please stand up."
  Guy stands up.  Clown says, "Well, there's the horse's ass, where's 
the horse?"
  So the guy says, real loud, "Hey, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you!"



  A guy sees an ad in his local paper looking for a lion tamer at 
the circus, so he decides to go along and see the ringmaster. The
ringmaster tells him the job is pretty straightforward and not to 
worry, as the lions are all doped up.
  The guy hesitantly asks, "What if the dope wears off?"  "Well 
you just grab the whip ... They hate the whip being cracked."
  "What if the dope is wearing off even more and one of the lions 
grabs the whip?"
  "Then grab the chair - they hate getting the chair shoved in
their faces."
  "But what will happen if the dope finally wears off and the lion
grabs the chair?"
  "Ahh then the ultimate thing to do is grab some shit and rub it 
in the lion's face -- that always works."
  "But, what if there is no shit lying about?"
  "Don't worry about that -- when that lion grabs the chair you 
will find some!"



  A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about 
a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down 
pot and a duck tap dancing on it. 
 The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck
from its owner.  After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for 
$10000 for the duck and the pot.
  Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, 
"Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience
and he didn't dance a single step!"
  "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light 
the candle under the pot?"  




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