Woody Allen Jokes

Woody Allen Jokes

"The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone 
and nobody laughs at you." -- Woody Allen

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences 
go, it's one of the best." -- Woody Allen

"Sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five it's
fantastic!" -- Woody Allen

"All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
Socrates." -- Woody Allen

Woody Allen's latest movie 
"Honey I Screwed the Kids"

What does Woody Allen now think of Rosemary's Baby?

What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
Woody Allen. 

What's Woody Allen's favorite form of sex?
The fetal position.

Michael Jackson and Woody Allen on "Child Psychology": 
"Spare the rod, and spoil the child."

What's Woody Allen's favorite snack?
Baby Ruth.

What's Woody Allen's favorite song?
"Thank Heaven for Little Girls."

What is Woody Allen's favorite pick-up line?
"Say Da Da."

What does Woody call a teenage mother?
A doubleheader.

Why does Woody have sex so much?
He wants to have lots of kids.

What is Woody Allen's idea of foreplay?
Cutting the umbilical cord.

Why did Woody buy Soon-Yi a Barbi doll?
So they could have a threesome.

What's Woody's favorite hobby?
He gets into a little Dylan.

What did Woody do when his oldest daughter
 asked for a training bra?
Dumped her for a younger woman.

What does Woody Allen look for when he's south
 of the border?
A Mexican Hairless.

What happened on Woody Allen's last date?
He laid an egg.

Why is Woody Allen like the super bowl?
His latest score was 52-17.

How does Woody like to party?
He has a little 7 year old Scotch.

Did you hear Woody Allen is expecting another child?
She's about thirteen.

How many children does Woody have?
As many as he can get.

What does Woody Allen call an unborn baby?
A blind date.

What's Soon-Yi have in common with an eight year 
 old reading Playboy?
They both get a little woody.

Who is Woody's favorite sex therapist?
Dr. Spock.

What is Woody's favorite romantic music?

What will Woody's next son call himself?

Why does Woody want to have children with Soon-Yi?
So he can get laid ten years from now.

How many times does 56 go into 21?
I don't know let's ask Woody.

We shouldn't be too hard on Woody.  Consider the magnitude 
of his achievement.  It's the first time in over 2000 years 
that a Jew has fucked a Farrow's daughter.

What does Soon-Yi have in common with a bear?
They both lick their paws.

What do Woody Allen and the tortoise have in common?
They both got there before the hare.

Woody Allen just signed a contact with the New York Rangers...
They needed someone could score before the second period.

What kind of hair conditioner does Woody use?
Greasy kid's stuff.

Why did Woody sexually abuse his stepchildren?
Because he was a lousy mother fucker.

What does Woody call an X-ray of an unborn fetus?
Soft porn.

What does Woody call a premature birth?
A dream date.

What's Woody's favorite means of birth control?

What goes into thirteen twice?
Woody Allen.

What's the worst thing that happened to Woody during sex?
The crib broke.

What's the hardest part about sex for Woody?
Putting the diaper back on.

What will Woody call his next several movies?
1) Honey I nailed the Kids.
2) Unlawful Entry.
3) Hannah and her Daughters.
4) Close Encounters of the third Grade.
5) Fetal Attraction.

What's Woody's favorite game?
Strip Chinese Checkers.

What does Woody call a day care center?
A singles bar.

How do you know your daughter is having sex with Woody?
You find condoms in her lunch box.

What happens after Woody screws his Chinese stepdaughter?
An hour later he wants more thirteen year olds.

Why does Woody Allen want custody of the other 3 children?
For when Soon - Yi's on her period.

Did you know Woody & Soon-Yi are making a TV movie?
It's the Maury Povich & Connie Chung story.

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