I. Football and other sports-related jokes Q: How do we know that Thurman Thomas didn't kill O.J.'s ex-wife? A: Thurman would have fumbled the knife. O.J. was the first running back to run 2000 yards and the first murderer to run 2000 miles! B oy B oy B oy B oy I I t I I L ove L ooks L ove L ove L ife L ike L osing L osing S entences S an Quentin S pouses S anity I heard that O.J. was no longer the prime suspect in the case. The reason being that as an ex-Buffalo Bill, if he were going to murder her, he would have done it the Buffalo Bill way and choked her. O.J. used to play football. Now it looks like he played sock-her as well. He's still a great footballer ... Still slices up the opposition herever he finds them! Q: Did you hear O.J. has refused to play on the prison football team? A: He heard they wanted him to line up in a four-point stance. Q: Did you hear the Bills fired Marv Levy? A: They felt the team lacked a killer instinct, so they hired O.J. Simpson. O.J. ran for more yards in one evening than in 8 years with Buffalo. Q: What was O.J.'s favorite play in the Bills' playbook? A: Cut left, then slash right! Rumor has it that instead of giving Juice the chair for a guilty conviction,they are going to sentence him to play two more years in Buffalo. Q: Why did O.J. kill Goldman? A: To prove the Bills could slaughter the competition and not just choke. Q: Why did O.J. kill his ex? A: He wanted to terminate her free agency. Q: Why did O.J. go to Chicago after killing two people? A: It was the perfect place for a three-peat! At the end of the regulation marriage, without any additional scoring, the only thing left was sudden death. O.J.'s final run, although spectacular, epitomized his career. Just think what he could have done if he had just had some really good blocking. I heard O.J. tried to kill his wife in Buffalo, but they retired his .32 More evidence that O.J. didn't kill his ex-wife: Any man who can sit beside Howard Cosell on Monday Night Football without killing him would never kill anyone. O.J. was offered a plea bargain. Life in prison without parole, or a season behind the Cleveland Browns line. He took the life sentence. Q: Did you hear what the longest drive was during the U.S. Open? A: O.J. Simpson - 61 miles. Q: Who's the most famous Los Angeles Dodger? A: O.J. Simpson. Heard on one of the New York City radio stations: "I tried to watch the Knicks game last night, but all I kept seeing were those Ford Bronco commercials." O.J. play by play: "Well, there's not much time left, they have to make a big play soon..." "Movement in the backfield, It's O.J.! What a move! He breaks away from a pack of defenders, he's going 10, 5. He just might make it." "He cuts to the 91...now streaks down the 405. They can't catch him!" "Looks like he's going to make it, and...ooohh....They bring him down in the driveway, just short." "What a play...One we'll all remember...One for the record books, O.J.'s longest run from skirmish." O.J. Simpson will go down in history as one of the most versatile players in history...He entered the NFL as a running back...He entered prison as a tight end...and will leave prison as a wide receiver! Q: Did you hear that the police are now saying that O.J. moved the bodies after the murders? A: They are accusing him of 2 carries for 58 yards. The police are now saying that the murder weapon was a set of hedge clippers. O.J.'s lawyers think that instead of getting the death penalty, O.J. will get 15 yards for clipping. Police are now saying that O.J. is no longer a suspect because they found a Super Bowl ring at the murder scene. Q: Did you hear experts have already predicted the Super Bowl champion for next season? A: It's going to be the San Quentin prison football team. Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and John Elway? A: One drives a slow, white Bronco. The other +is+ a slow, white Bronco. Q: What's the difference between the Dallas Mavericks and O.J. Simpson? A: O.J. has a slow, white Bronco and Dallas has a slow, white Cherokee. The NFL announced its 75th anniversary team. O.J. Simpson was selected as one of the running backs. When informed of the honor, O.J. could only say that he was glad he'd made the cut... Here's a joke I heard this morning on a Phoenix radio station. Q: Did you hear that they've already selected a jury for the O.J. trial? A: They've been looking for someone who won't be needed for the next six months and knows nothing about football, so they selected the Arizona Cardinals coaching staff! Did you hear that the prosecution has moved to change the venue of the trial? They wanted to move the trial to a place where no one knows football. They chose Houston. No one knows football there. Did you hear that O.J. Simpson got kicked off the prison softball team? It seems he kept losing his glove and whenever he went home he carried a knife... Q: What is O.J.'s favorite Major League Baseball team? A: The Red Sox! Q: Remember what a great career O.J. had with the Buffalo Bills? A: Imagine what he could have done with the Sabres! What is the world's worst golf foursome? O.J. Simpson, Heidi Fleiss, Susan Smith, and Greg Louganis O.J. is always slicing Heidi is always hooking Susan Smith is always in the water Greg Louganis is always in the wrong hole O.J.'s old team, the Buffalo Bills, celebrated a little early. On Monday Night they beat the Browns too! Q: What's the difference between the Simpson trial and the Super Bowl? A: Both had over 50 million viewers, but only one has seen a Buffalo Bill win. Why was OJ's former quarterback arrested? He told OJ to "Cut left on two." Four reasons why OJ likes to golf so much: 1.) He can hit white things. 2.) He can play a lie. 3.) He can slice and get away with it. 4.) He gets to wear tight gloves. Q: What would Joe Montana have if he murdered three people? A: A new NFL record. One day during the O.J trial, Marcia Clark was arguing with Johnny Cochran. Judge Ito said "how about we take a 3 hour break to play some baseball." When Judge Ito hit the ball into left field, O.J missed it. Judge Ito said, "How could you have missed that fly ball?" O.J replied "My bloody glove was too small!" Why did they nickname OJ "The Scrotum?" Because he's a natural ball carrier. What do the LAPD and NFL defences have in common? Both let OJ slip through their fingers. What's the difference between ABC Sports and the LAPD? OJ wasn't let go by the LAPD. What record of OJ's will stand forever? His criminal record. Where was OJ least successful on the football field? On the suicide squad. What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number. Why won't Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman play in the NFL? They were cut by the Bills. What was OJ penalized for the most? Unnecessary roughness. When will OJ play ball next? When he plea bargains with the district attorney. Who's the leading rusher after OJ Simpson? The LAPD. Why was OJ such a great football player? He knew how to knife thru the defenders. Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him. When OJ found out there was a tie between him and Ron Goldman for Nicole's affections, OJ went to sudden death. OJ's son: "Dad, can I use the Bronco?" OJ: "Let me go ax your mom." If an ex-football great HAD to kill his wife, why couldn't it have been Frank Gifford!? How do we know OJ is innocent? When he was with the Bills, he always cut to the left. II. Hertz Rental Car, Ford Motor Company, and acting related jokes Did you hear about Hertz's new billboard? It's a picture of O.J. Simpson with a caption, "Hertz: For Great Getaways!" Q: What was Nicole Simpson's last words? A: Stop, O.J.! It Hertz! Well I don't buy his alibi either. Have you seen the way O.J. moves through an airport? And he's real quick at rental cars too... I guess everyone in the L.A. Airport thought O.J. was just shooting a new rental car commercial when they saw him running through the airport! Coincidence? I think not! Did you hear that Hertz Car Rental Agency is changing its name to Killz? A new Ford Bronco is being marketed to replace the Eddie Bauer model. It is the O.J. model. It comes with storage for your knives and bloody gloves, stain-resistant carpeting, extra fuel capacity for those long trips and a cellular phone. Takes you for the drive of a lifetime. Q: Did you hear about the new Hertz commercial? A: O.J. is seen running through the airport, jumping over seats and babies in strollers, to catch his plane for Chicago. The rental agent is frantically running after him yelling, "Mr. Simpson, Mr. Simpson, you forgot your bloody glove!" Q: Whatever drove O.J. to kill his wife? A: A Hertz Rent-A-Car. New, from Hertz: The "O.J. Weekend Getaway Special!" Your choice of Bronco, with enough gas to go 70 miles. And you end up at your front door! The police say a jogger claims to have seen O.J.'s car at the murder scene the night his ex-wife was killed. He should have rented a car from Hertz. Q: Is O.J. Simpson still the spokesman for Hertz? A: Not exactly. Actually I heard that Hertz just renewed O.J.'s contract. Only now he's making license plates for them. I heard that O.J. lost his Hertz Rental Car endorsement contract, but he has a new endorsement offer. Taco Bell has hired him to "Run for the Border." Q: How do we know it wasn't someone from Avis who killed them? A: Whomever did it sure didn't try very hard. Now I know why O.J. did all those Hertz commercials: Practice. I've heard that O.J.'s troubles have resulted in at least one commercial endorsement contract being cancelled. Apparently it's _killed_ his Ginsu Knife deal! Naked Gun 44 1/4 - Nordberg gets The Chair! They are going to remake the movie "The Longest Yard," starring O.J. Simpson as himself. Q: Did you hear that Hertz dropped O.J.? A: Chicago Cutlery picked him up. Q: Did you hear about the new O.J. Simpson movie? A: It's called "Sex, Knives, and Athletic Tape." Q: Why did O.J. kill his wife the way he did? A: He was practicing for a part in a new movie: Jock the Ripper Q: Did you hear about the "Simpson Special" from Hertz? A: You get a free police escort when you rent a Bronco. Some Ford dealership had a white Bronco displayed prominently. After Simpson's flight from justice, they put up a sign that read "As Seen On TV." Special News Release-----Ford Motor Company-----Detroit, Michigan As of Friday, June 24, 1994 the 1994 Ford Bronco has officially been selected as the vehicle of choice for felons everywhere. The conclusive California road test, seen on national TV, proved without a doubt that the 1994 Bronco con successfully hold off 18 or more polie cars, 3 helicopters and the entire population of the United States for more than 90 minutes. Imagine how well it works when going over 40 miles an hour! The vehicle works equally well while parked in the driveway of your residence. If you are a felon, then we have a special deal for you on a brand new 1995 Ford Bronco. Simply go to your local Ford dealer and ask for the new O.J. Package. Picture yourself leaning comfortably back in your seat listening to the gentle swirl of helicopter blades and the purring of police cars. And, if you act now, we will throw in the O.J. Magical Disappearing Ginsu Knife at no extra charge. Be the first in your cell block to own the new 1995 Ford O.J. Edition Bronco. $1500 Down and $259 per month. Tax and registration extra. Defense attorney not included. When Hertz wanted to renegotiate his contract, what did he say? "Let me get back with you - I have to go ax my wife." I can't understand why Hertz dropped him as a spokesman. If anyone knows about inflicting Hertz it's OJ. Hertz has fired OJ as their spokesperson, but he's just signed a contract with Chick-Fil-A. Who's hiring OJ as a spokesman now? Hearse - Rent - A - Car. III. Orange Juice puns Q. What did Mike Tyson have for breakfast? A. Fresh-squeezed O.J. Looks like they'll be putting the juice to the Juice... Did you know that he confessed? Yeah, they squeezed it out of him. The real reason O.J. is being detained by the police is that he does really poorly in the interrogations. You see, O.J. has a problem: He can't concentrate. Q. How do you get an electric chair to work? A. Give it the Juice! After O.J. is sent to prison, all the inmates will be asking each other, "Have you had your O.J. this morning?" IMPORTANT Commodities News Flash! O.J. futures have fallen 12 points... Q: What do the LAPD and Tropicana have in common? A: They both have O.J. in a can. My mom tried to give me some orange juice this morning. I told her, "No way, mom! O.J. will KILL you!" Q: What is the difference between Tang and O.J.? A: Tang won't kill you! Q: Why do they call him O.J.? A: Because he beats the pulp out of his women. There is a new drink out in the bars now, called the Bloody Nicole. It's the same thing as a Bloody Mary but instead of adding tomato juice,you add O.J.! Q: What was the last thing Nicole said? A: "I should have had a V-8." Q: Did you hear about the new contract the Florida Orange Juice Association is going to offer O.J. Simpson? A: They'll pay him a million a year for the rest of his life. All they want him to do is change his name to Snapple! Q: What did O.J. do when he saw the cops in his rearview mirror? A: He froze and concentrated. Did you hear they're naming a new drink after OJ? It's called a Bloody Screwdriver. Start with O.J., 1 ounce of bitters, add sliced tomato and chopped fruit. What comes with this drink? Two slices and a chaser. What's OJ's favorite drink? Slice. IV. Prison and killing-related jokes Q. Why won't prison be that different for O.J.? A. He will still have big guys opening holes for him. Q. Why did O.J. Simpson go to Chicago? A. To find a clean towel. Headline for the Daily Fishwrap... THE JUICE NOOSES DEUCE! STILL ON THE LOOSE! Q: What's black and white and red all over? A: O.J. paying a visit to his ex-wife. When O.J. gets to prison and converts to the Nation of Islam, he'll of course change his name to O.J. X. At O.J. Simpson's arraignment yesterday, the prosecutor said "..and we will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Mr. Simpson committed this crime with malice and forethought." At which point a confused O.J. blurted out, "That's not true! I did it alone!" Q: Why were the police suspicious after they called O.J. in Chicago? A: He denied he was the culprit and even suggested they come to the golf tournament and see how bad his slice was. Q: Why did O.J. stop at his ex-wife's house on his way to the airport? A: He had some time to kill. Q: Why did O.J. flee? A: He was mad about not being Grand Marshall in the Rose Parade. The defense may claim O.J. was acting on the advice of his marriage counselor. After the last attempt at reconciliation had failed, the counselor told the distraught O.J. to make another stab at it. Q: What is O.J.'s motto? A: If you can't beat 'em, stab 'em. O.J. Simpson got sent to jail and is laying in his cell all depressed. His cellmate says to him, "Hey, it's not all that bad. We have a lot of activities around here. Do you like sports?" "Hell yeah," says O.J. "Do you like football?" "Hell yeah," says O.J. "You'll like Mondays then. Do you like baseball?" "Hell yeah," says O.J. "Great! You'll love Wednesdays then. Are you gay?" "Hell no!" says O.J. "Damn, I guess you'll hate Fridays." O.J. is introduced to his new cellmate, a huge, nasty-looking guy doing consecutive life sentences. He says to O.J., "Look here, we gonna get somethin' straight right off da bat. Are you gonna be da husband oh da wife?" O.J. says, "What?!" The guy gets real mad and says, "Are you gonna be da husband oh da wife?!" O.J. thinks fast. If he says "wife," he reasons, he'll get it up the wazoo in a matter of nanoseconds. O.J. says, "I'll be the husband." The guy then says, "Okay then. Now get down on yo knees and suck yo wife's dick!" Q: What did O.J.'s kids get him for a present? A: A shiny, new suicide watch. Why does prison remind OJ of football? He has lots of men bending over in front of him. Why were OJ's fellow inmates nervous? They had heard they were getting the juice. What will Mike Tyson have for breakfast? Fresh squeezed OJ V. Jokes with O.J. and other celebrities Q: What do O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson have in common? A: They are both missing a glove. Q: What did Michael Jackson say to O.J. Simpson? A: "Don't worry, I'll take care of the kids." Q: What's the difference between Rodney King and O.J. Simpson? A: O.J. started out with millions. Q: Do you know why O.J. drove around as long as he did? A: He was waiting for a call from Dr. Kevorkian! Q. What's the difference between Ryne Sandberg and O.J. Simpson? A. Ryne lost his killer instinct and O.J. found it. Q: Did you hear John Wayne Bobbit called O.J. last night? A: He wanted O.J. to know that he knows what it feels like to be separated from a loved one. Q: What do you get when you put Lorena Bobbit, Tammy Faye, and O.J. Simpson in the same room? A: A butcher, a Bakker and a license plate maker. Q: Why did O.J. sit in the Bronco for so long? A: Because Rodney King called him and told him not to get out of the car. Q: Why did O.J. finally get out of the Bronco? A: He saw Susan Smith and was afraid she was going to push him into the pool. Q: What's the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and O.J. Simpson? A: O.J. only ate one of his victims. Q: What do O.J. and Pee-Wee Herman have in common? A: They were both arrested for abusing their loved ones. Q: Did you hear that Joey Buttafuoco went to visit O.J. in prison? A: He told O.J. that he should have had his girlfriend do it. Q: What did O.J. say to Larry Bird and Michael Jordan? A: Out the Bronco...Over the driveway...Into the house...Out the backyard ...Down the street...To the condo...Nothin' but neck. Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and John Bobbit? A: O.J. can still get off. Q: What do Shaquille O'Neal and O.J. Simpson have in common? A: They both spend a lot of time at court. Sarah Brady sent a letter to O.J.: Dear O.J., I'm very disappointed in you. Why didn't you use a gun? Heard (in a Carnac routine) on the Howard Stern show: "In jail, on Fox, underground...Where do you find the Simpsons?" Q: What do you get when you mix O.J. Simpson, Dr. Ruth Westheimer and Tonya Harding? A: Killer sex that will bring you to your knees! Q: What would you have if O.J. was put in a cell with David Koresh and Jeffrey Dahmer? A: You'd have a complete breakfast: serial, toast, and O.J. Q: What is the difference between O.J. and David Letterman? A: There is absolutely nothing funny about David Letterman. Greatest marketing idea of the century: His & Hers knives endorsed by O.J. Simpson and Lorena Bobbit. Q: Did you hear that F. Lee Bailey was mad at Shapiro? A: He even told one reporter, "I'm going to sue that SOB for everything O.J. has!" When Marcia Clark asked Kato Kaelin where he had been between 9 and 11, Kato replied, "third grade." Q: What's the only thing worse than being married to Lorena Bobbit? A: Being divorced from O.J. Simpson! Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and Christopher Reeve? A: O.J.'s going to walk. A: Reeve has feelings from the neck up. A: Reeve can still hold his head up. A: O.J. can still "get off." A: O.J. hit the ground running. A: One is juice, but the other's a vegetable Q: What do O.J. and Reeve have in common? A: Both left blood on the bronco. A: Neither can ride a white bronco without taking a fall! There's good news and bad news today... The bad news is that it has been reported that the Simpson jury is going to acquit O.J. The good news is that Susan Smith is going to drive him home. Q: What do Marsha Clark and Susan Smith have in common? A: It looks as if neither one of them is going to get the Juice. Q: Why can't Heidi Fleiss and O.J. play golf together? A: Because Heidi Fleiss is a hooker and O.J. is a slicer. What's the difference between O.J. and Colonel Sanders? The Colonel batters his chicks AFTER he kills them. Q: What do Mark Furhman and Peter McNeeley have in common? A: Neither was able to plant a glove on a black man. Who was OJ's marriage counselor? Joel Rifkin. Who needs to have OJ as a marriage counselor? Frank Gifford. What does Kurt Cobain call OJ? Yellow. Why did Chuck Woolery call OJ? To match him up with Lorena Bobbitt. What's the difference between OJ and Homer Simpson? OJ's family was more dysfunctional. You all know O.J's book "I wanna tell you" well Marcia Clark Came out with her book "I've Heard That Before" What is Kato Kalin proof of? Ginger and Gilligan had sex. What do you get when you cross OJ and Heidi Fleiss? You get a fucking murderer. As Joan Rivers once said, "Do you still think blondes have more fun?" Did you hear about the new Kato Kaelin doll? Wind him up and he crashes at Barbie's Malibu Dream House. Didja hear Ron Reagan called OJ and said "Nancy and I are so pleased you've finally been exonerated, and we'd like to invite you and Nicole over for dinner next week." Robert Shapiro and Johnnie Cochran have a new movie coming out. It is called "Scum and Scummer". What is the difference between God and Johnnie Cochran? God does not think that he is Johnnie Cochran! What did Paula Barbieri's father tell O.J. after he was acquitted? You can take Paula out O.J., but I want her home by 10:30!! Hey its Johnny Cochrane's Birthday he's 58...If your OJ simpson what do you give a man who has all of your money? What did Jeffrey Dahmer ask OJ? "You gonna eat that?" What did Lorena Bobbitt ask OJ? "Mind if I cut in?" No truth to the rumor that Bart is OJ's son. Rodney King: "Can't we all just get along?" OJ Simpson: "Can't I just get away?" What does Joseph Jett have in common with OJ? One used a phantom trade, the other used a phantom blade. O.J. Aftermath: "The lawyers are under a temporary gag order," says Jay Leno. "See, personally, I am against temporary gag orders. They should be permanent gag orders so we never have to hear from these people ever again." * "The O.J. Simpson jury has sent the world a message," says Bill Maher. "If you kill someone in L.A., you are looking at a very stiff fine." * "The $8.5 million paints a grim financial picture for O.J. To raise that kind of cash, 'The Naked Gun' would have to gross $1.7 trillion." (Bob Mills) * "O.J. will be left one set of golf clubs so he can continue his quest for the real killer." (Gary Easley) VI. Miscellaneous Jokes Houston schlockjocks on morning radio used the following subject: Good prison names for O.J. Only heard a couple... O.rifice J.amboree got my vote. Q. What does O.J. stand for? A: Obdurate Jerk Objective Jury? Obligatory Jokes Obsessively Jealous Obstinate Jealousy Obstreperous Journey Odorous Journalism Often Joked Oh, Jailer! Open Jugular Orange Jumpsuit Out Joyriding Outlaw Jock Outlook: Jail Outta Job Odd Justice Old Jailbird. Following is evidence that O.J. is not the killer: 1. They only found one glove - Michael Jackson actually did it. 2. If he murdered her, it would Hertz his advertising career. 3. The Juice was capable of putting the squeeze on his ex-wife, but never beating the pulp out of her. 4. It is proven that murderers have little ability to think, but everyone has seen O.J. concentrate. 5. The pattern of stab wounds is irrefutable - any football fan nows that O.J. could never cut to the left. Q: Have you heard about the new children's game? A: It's called "Where's O.J.?" Q: What is O.J.'s favorite song? A: 'I Used to Love Her But I Had to Kill Her' by Guns 'n' Roses. 'Communication Breakdown' by Led Zeppelin 'Run to the Hills' by Iron Maiden '911 It's a Joke' by Public Enemy 'I Can't Drive 55' by Sammy Hagar 'The First Cut is the Deepest' by Rod Stewart 'Love Hurts' by Nazareth 'If You Want To Be Happy For the Rest of Your Life (Never Make A Pretty Woman Your Wife)' by Jimmy Soul 'Cuts Like a Knife' by Bryan Adams 'Hurts So Good' by John Cougar Mellencamp 'Cuts Both Ways' by Gloria Estefan 'Love Kills' by Vinny Vincent Invasion (sung by Slaughter, how appropriate! :) 'Love is a Killer' by Vixen It Ain't Me Babe Run Run Run You Only Hurt the Ones You Love Highway to Hell I'm a Ramblin' Man "I Used to Love Her, but I had to Kill Her." Ever wonder why Americans are so enamoured with OJ? Just listen to the first few lines of their anthem... OJ can you see By the dawns early light... Q: What is O.J.'s favorite musical group? A: Slayer Drivin'-N-Cryin' Suicidal Tendencies Public Enemy Q: What are the three worst words to hear from O.J. Simpson? A: I love you. Q: Did you hear about the new O.J. Simpson breakfast special? A: It's eggs, steak and prune juice. First, you beat it, then you stab it with a knife, then you get the runs. Someone has stepped forward to be O.J.'s alibi. Apparently he was seen waiting to be seated at a local Denny's restaurant. Q: What do the state of California and Taco Bell have in common? A: They are two things that can give O.J. gas. Q: How is having sex with a prostitute similar to dating O.J. Simpson's ex-wife? A: In either case, if the Trojan snaps you're dead. Q: Why did O.J. stab his wife? A: Because he checked his gun with his baggage and the airline lost it. It's one thing to kill your ex-wife, but another thing entirely to take a victory lap around the city afterword. Q: What's the last thing O.J. said to Nicole Simpson? A: Your waiter will be with you shortly... Knock, knock Who's there ???? OJ !!!! OJ who ???? Oke you're on the jury!!! Is it true that O.J. was last seen chasing a one-armed man? Q: Why did O.J. change his long distance server from AT&T? A: Because he knew he had to Sprint! Q: What are two things that O.J. has that every man wants? A: A Heisman Trophy and a dead wife. Q: What did Ron say to Nicole when they got to heaven? A: "Here's your damn glasses! Thanks a lot!" Q: What does O.J. have in common with the statue of Venus DiMilo? A: Neither is considered armed any more. As a long-time UCLA fan, it's obvious to me what O.J.'s lawyers will use as a defense: "Members of the jury, what can you expect? He went to USC!" Q: What do O.J. and Tampax have in common? A: They both come in white boxes and leave a bloody mess. After looking all over LA, they finally found 12 people who have never seen O.J. Simpson, never heard of O.J. Simpson, and have no idea who O.J. Simpson is or was. They're all professors at USC. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: It didn't want to get run over by a White Bronco. Q: Why did Ron Goldman dump Nicole Simpson? A: Because she couldn't swallow. Q: What were Ron Goldman's last words? A: "Say, aren't you O.J. Simpson?" Q: What do a basketball court and a judicial court have in common? A: The white folk sit on the bench. Q: Why did O.J. go to Nicole's house before he went to the airport? A: It was his last chance to split her uprights! O.J. is U.S.C. - Up Shit Creek... Q: What are O.J.'s favorite movies? A: "Death Becomes Her" "The Terminator" "Heaven Can Wait" "Blade Runner" The Fugitive The Getaway. Easy Rider. From the Tonight show a few days ago: "O.J. went into the hospital for a biospy. When the doctor pulled out his scalpel O.J. said, "You call that a knife?!" Q: What's harder than squeezing blood from a turnip? A: Squeezing O.J. from a Bronco. The jury selection in the O.J. trial has begun. Rumor has it that potential jurors who weren't selected are being issued T-Shirts that say "O.J. Jury Reject - Didn't Make the Cut." Q: Why didn't Nicole Simpson go out drinking with her friends after dinner? A: She wanted to go home and get ripped. Here is an action joke about O.J. Imagine someone walking around with his hands together behind his back wiggling his fingers. That person then askes: "What is this?" Answer: "O.J. Simpson signing autographs." Q. What did Nicole say to Ron on the phone when she called the restaurant? A. "It wouldn't kill you to bring over my glasses." Q: Why didn't Nicole's other boyfriends go down on her? A: Because they knew the Juice would kill them. Q: What was the last thing Nicole said to O.J.? A: Yeah, I'm screwing the waiter! What are you going to do about it? Q: Did you here about the new Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor? A: It's called White Bronco: Vanilla with two chocolate-covered nuts inside. Q: Why did O.J. make that now-famous run in the Bronco? A: He figured it would be a long time before he would be able to take an exciting ride inside anything white again. Robert Shapiro has come up with a new defense for O.J. He's following Lorena Bobbit's example and will say that O.J. was not trying to slit his wife's throat, but rather was trying to cut off Goldman's dick. From Jay Leno's monologue: Did you hear O.J. has his own Christmas wish list? He asked Santa for a brand new set of DNA. Q: What did Santa Claus bring O.J. for Christmas? A: New gloves, a ski mask, a new hunting knife and a bottle of stain remover. Q: Did you hear O.J. is coming out with a new movie? A: It's called, "It WAS a Wonderful Life." Another Jay Leno joke: "Man that Johnnie Cochran is a smooth talking lawyer... Even O.J. thinks he's innocent!" We heard that after watching the Super Bowl, O.J. commented it was the second worst massacre he'd ever seen... Yet another Jay Leno joke: Q: Did you here O.J. is merchandizing to help pay for his defense? A: There's a problem with the watches, though. There seems to be an hour missing from 10:00pm to 11:00pm. Q: Why would O.J. make a good stand-up comedian? A: He always kept Nicole in stitches! Q: What is the difference between Kato the dog and Kato Kaelin? A: One is a long-haired, mangy mutt who is a witness in the Simpson case and the other is a dog. Q: What do Nicole Brown Simpson and the Australian Yacht in the America's Cup have in common? A: They both went down in under 2 1/2 minutes. Q: What was the last thing Nicole Brown ever saw? A: Just teeth and eyeballs! Don't know if you've heard, but Shapiro is in a lot of trouble. It seems that he's been sneaking hookers into O.J.'s cell. He got one in last night, and she and O.J. were goin' at it. Afterward she told O.J., "I've got some good news and some bad news." O.J. says, "I'm in prison, I'm up on murder charges. I think I've had just about all the bad news I can handle. What's the good news?" "You're four inches longer than Magic." With the air conditioner on in the courtroom, it got so cold that O.J. asked for his hat and glove back. Jack Diamond in Diamond In The Morning - WMIX 107.3 FM, Washington, DC Woodpeckers have drilled 135 holes into the Space Shuttle external fuel tank. To put things into perspective, that's almost as many holes as O.J. Simpson's alibi. Joke told recently in Judge Ito's's courtroom. One of O.J. Simpson's lawyers approaches his client. "I have good news and bad news," he says "Which do you want to first?" "The bad news," O.J. says. "The bad news is that it is your blood all over the crime scene, that the DNA proves it." "So what's the good news?" O.J. asks. "The good news is that your cholesterol is only 130." What is noteworthy is not the joke itself but who was telling it, where, how and to whom. Much to the chagrin of O.J.'s lawyers, it was told by Judge Ito himself, in his robe, at the bench, to Johnnie Cochran during a break in the trial. Q. Why does Marcia Clark wear mini-skirts in court? A. She wants to win the Simpson case on appeal. Johnnie Cochran: O.J., all this blood evidence is very damaging. We've got to get a change of venue to West Virginia. O.J.: How come? J.C.: Because, in West Virginia, everybody has the same DNA. Dennis Miller to Jay Leno: "The O.J. trial's gone on for so long that Johnnie Cochran and Robert Shapiro have been able to shed their skins three times since it began." Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good. Samuel Johnson to an aspiring writer Your testimony is both good and truthful, but the part that is good is not truthful and the part that is truthful is not good. Marcia Clark to Mark Fuhrman I heard a new Mark Fuhrman beer is being released. It has no head and a long red neck. Why is OJ's video not selling well? Everyone is waiting for him to slash the price. Whites in Hollywood are rioting, upon hearing Reginald Denny's attackers were acquited. Two white men were observed pulling a black man from his truck, then selling him Amway products. By the time the poor black had escaped, the whites had dressed him up in golfing clothes. Why did OJ attend his ex-wife's funeral? So he could see that the body was disposed of. What's black and white and red all over? OJ and his ex-wife. What extenuating circumstances were there when OJ beat his wife? She wouldn't listen to him. Why did OJ murder his ex-wife? He was losing his reputation as a lady-killer. How can you tell when a blonde is really dumb? When she marries OJ Simpson. Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape the LAPD. What's the first Mrs. Simpson's nickname? "Lucky." What did OJ do after his last meeting with his ex-wife? He dropped her at the door. What's the difference between the LAPD and a tampon? The tampon gives a woman protection. What did OJ say to Ron Goleman when he saw him with Nicole? "Mind if I cut in." I think he needs a new alibi witness -- Rosa Lopez said "I don't remember" so many times I thought she was with the Reagan administration. I heard OJ was starting a limo service and it already has a motto "Gets you to the airport with an hour to kill!" What's OJ's favorite candy? Starburst: 'cause the "Juice is loose." Did you her about the new Ford Bronco model the OJ edition? It's white with a red spotted interior ! How do you find O.J on the Internet? Type : slash...backslash...backslash...backslash...escape Florida and California have something in common... "OJ in the can." At least the OJ case is good for Black-Jewish relations. After all OJ hired Shapiro to defend him. Nice to see cooperation once again. Should OJ receive a life sentence? - or should OJ be "juiced?" OJ and the LAPD are being sued by the producers of "Apocalypse Now" ... copyright infringement. Congrats to Mr. Simpson for showing us all how to get down the L.A. freeway during rush hour. Why is OJ so popular in the ghettos around thanksgiving? He knows how to carve up white meat. Why can't OJ have sex? He's as fucked as he's gonna get! Why is the entire LAPD on the pot? The juice has given them the runs. Do sports and politics ever mix? Sure -- Even OJ is running. What is the LAPD's favorite breakfast? Egg on the face and hold the OJ! What is Nicole Simpson's Halloween costume going to be this year? A Pez dispenser. A guy is walking down the beach in LA when he trips over a bottle that's washed up on the shore. He opens the bottle, and (you guessed it) a puff of smoke appears, followed by a genie. The genie says "For freeing me from the bottle, I grant you one wish." The guy thinks for awhile, and then pulls a map of the world out of his back pocket. He unfolds a map, points to the middle east, and says "I'd like you to make lasting peace in this region." The genie says "There has been fighting there for too long. What you ask of me is not possible. You must make a different wish." So the guy thinks for a while longer, then snaps his fingers and says Could you get the news media to forget about O. J. Simpson and just move on to something else?" The genie frowns, thinks for awhile, then says "lemme see that map again, son." Q. What did O.J. Simpson say when he put on the bloody gloves during his trial? A: "Hey, maybe I didn't do it!" VII. Post-trial Jokes Q: What did O.J. say to Judge Ito after the verdict? A: Hey, great! Can I get my hat and gloves back now? Q: What did Mike Tyson say to the O.J. jury? A: Where were you when I needed you? Q: Did you hear O.J. is getting married again? A: I hope he doesn't get confused and cuts the bride and kisses the cake. A few months after the trial, some tourists are the in deepest jungles of New Guinea, when they happen upon a small village with a main street and various shops. As they walk down the street window-shopping, they come to a shop with a sign in the window: "BRAINS ON SALE." Curious, they go in and look in the display case and see trays of brains. Japanese brains> $3.80 lb. German brains> $4.20 lb. Canadian brains> $4.15 lb. O.J. Jury brains> $12.50 oz. Curious about the big price difference in the last batch, they ask the shop keeper to explain, where upon he replies, "the O.J. jury brains were never used!" By now I am sure you are familiar with Johnnie Cochran's famous quote, "If it doesn't fit, then you must acquit!" What you might not know is that it was not his first choice. The following are the top 10 slogans almost used by Johnnie Cochran: 10. If the victim is white Acquittal is right! 9. O.J. Simpson is so very nice It was a fluke that he happened to cut himself twice! 8. Those bumps on the wall were caused by a ghost Forget about Kato, he's as dumb as a post! 7. If you acquit, you will not lose face Ignore all his blood that's all over the place! 6. O.J. could not have done it; he was asleep in his nightie Forget about Goldman; he's only a whitey! 5. You might be attacked, but please do not fear The entire black caucus will stand up and cheer! 4. If you look at the facts and just cannot face it Remember Mark Furman's a terrible racist! 3. Because of O.J.'s money, the playing field's level Let's send a message to the white devil! 2. Please have no guilt, not even a fraction White man did it to us, this is affirmative action! And the Number 1 Johnnie Cochran slogan... FACTS ARE FOR UNCLE TOMS !!! Q. What's the difference between O.J. and American justice? A. O.J. is free. Q. What's the difference between John F. Kennedy and Nicole Simpson? A. We're not 100% sure who killed JFK. Q. How many O.J. jurors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. They voted it was "not dark." Q: What did O.J. say when someone finally asked him where he was etween 9 and 11? A: "Second Grade." Q: What do O.J. and fireworks have in common? A: Both have killed in the past, but they still get let off. Q: Would it have been funny if O.J. was convicted? A: Yeah, it would have been a riot! Q: Did you hear O.J. is endorsing a new margarine product? A: It's called, "I Can't Believe I'm Not Guilty" Q: Did you hear that O.J. got a new promo deal with Nike? A: The slogan is going to be, "Just Say You Didn't Do It!" Q: Did you hear O.J. is going to endorse a new children's game? A: It's called, "Pin the Glove on the Honkey." New definitions for O.J.: Outta Jail Owned Jury Ornery Jackal Ominous Jealousy Oppressive Jerk Obsessed Judge Oblique Jury Outwitted Jury Obtuse Jury Overly Jealous Obvious Jerk Oblivious Jury Outran Jail Outwitted Justice Outta Jokes? Q: What was the real reason O.J. cancelled the interview? A: He couldn't answer the question, "O.J., do you mind if we strap this lie detector to your chest?" Q: What do Mark Fuhrman and O.J. have in common? A: Neither one of them likes to hang out with black folks. Some new O.J. endorsements: -- for Isotoner -- "These gloves fit." -- for Scotch Guard -- "Won't let blood stains soak through." -- for American Airlines -- "When you have to get out of town fast, no questions asked." -- for Sure Deodorant -- "Never let the jury see you sweat." -- for Hertz -- "We get you through the airport with an hour to kill." Here is a question to ponder: If an O.J. juror and her husband were to get a divorce, would they still be sister and brother? How can you forget the #1 O.J. Simpson song in your list? "Backstabbers" by the O'Jays (#1 in 1972) Other Songs: "Kung Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas "Some Guys Have All The Luck" "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" I just bought the new O.J. modem -- it takes 5 minutes to download a file then tries to convince you it must have taken a lot longer. Q: What was O.J.'s first meal after being released? A: Chicken, white and well-battered. Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and Christopher Reeve? A: Christopher Reeve stood for truth, justice and the American way. O.J. stands for lies and injustice, the American way. Q: Did you hear O.J. wrote a sequel to his book, "I Want To Tell You"? A: It's called, "Don't Make Me Tell You Again, Bitch!" In a surprise announcement, Bob Dole held a press conference this morning to announce that O.J. Simpson has joined the Dole ticket and will run for Vice-President. Their campaign slogan will be: "We'll kill the opposition and slash the budget." Q: What do Marcia Clark and Susan Smith have in common? A: Neither one got the Juice. The Grateful Dead have invited O.J. to join the band to replace Jerry Garcia. During their first session together, it's expected that they'll be recording the classic "Mack The Knife." Q: What was the first thing O.J. said when the verdict was read? A: "You mean I got away with it?" Q: What was the first thing Johnnie Cochran said to the jury forewoman? A: "Thanks, Mom!" Q: What was the first thing the jury forewoman said to Johnnie Cochran? A: "I expect that check in my account first thing in the morning!" Newsweek and CNN surveyed the jury and found that: 9 of the 12 members believe that Elvis is still alive. 11 of the 12 members believe the world is flat. 6 of the 12 members believe that Adolph Hitler committed the murders and Mark Fuhrman was simply covering up. Reporter: "O.J. Now you're free... what are your plans?" O.J.: "Get a bigger knife and O.J. Marcia Clark..." Q: What did O.J. say to Marcia Clark? A: "I'm innocent, I tell you. And, I've got the money to prove it!" Q: Did you hear about the new O.J. Simpson screen saver for Windows 95? A: When it launches it hangs your system for a year. O.J. Anagrams! "Orenthal Simpson" "Sportsman in hole" "Morons help saint" (a reference to his legal team?) "This so non-pale Mr" "Judge Lance Ito" "DNA? Let 'Juice' go!" "The OJ Simpson Trial" "Jail this moron pest" After winning his acquittal, O.J. was overheard speaking to Johnnie, and said that he would seek out and find the real killer of Nicole. Johnnie replied: "That's great, but you had better take all of the mirrors out of your house first." Q: What's O.J.'s motto? A: Life's a bitch, and then you stab one. Q: What is the NRA's new motto? A: Remember guns don't kill people, O.J. kills people. They asked the Pope if he thought O.J. was guilty. He replied, "Am I Catholic?" Q: Did you hear about the new O.J. ride at Disney Land? A: It's a dollar to get on but $5 million to get off. The murders occured June 12th 1994. It can also be written as 6/12/1994 add the individual digits up...ie 6 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 9 + 9 + 4 You get O.J.'s number, 32. Coincidence? I think not! Q: Why has Paula Barbieri been seen drinking out of plastic cups? A: Because L.A. waiters are afraid to bring her glasses. O.J. played golf yesterday and said he had no problem with slicing. And did you hear he didn't use a golf cart? He's used to walking. O.J.'s web site: http://\//home$$$$esc O.J.'s email address: oj@wife//ron\\\esc.trial.free Hey, hang on to your recipt for that O.J. Simpson Halloween costume you bought. The company that makes them is having a recall..... It seems the gloves don't fit and they couldn't find the knife. Q: What do you have when you have Helen Keller, Stevie Wonder, and the O.J. Simpson jury? A: *Fourteen* people who can't see worth a damn! The bars in California don't serve screwdrivers anymore... The vodka is ok, but the O.J. will kill ya. Microsoft has offered O.J. a position at the company. They can always use good hackers. Have you heard that Johnnie Cochran has a new job? He's getting a driving licence for Stevie Wonder. Heard about the O.J. sandwich? It's full of baloney Hard to swallow But a lot of fools are still buying it! Q: Why were some people in L.A. dissapointed by the O.J. verdict? A: They already had new TV sets picked out! Even more things O.J. stands for: Outrageous Joke Obstructing Justice How do you know its Spring time in Idaho? Mark Fuhrman is out planting gloves. In a new interview, O.J. Simpson says that he's hired private investigators to find "the real killers" of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman... He also said he's getting annoyed, because the investigators keep hanging around his house. O.J. Simpson's Heisman Trophy was purchased at auction for $255,500 by a Philadelphia man who wanted to impress his girlfriend. If I'm this guy's girlfriend, and he brings home O.J. Simpson memorabilia, I'm not impressed. Frightened for my life, maybe, but not impressed. Who was the first Jew to win The Heisman Trophy? Fred Goldman. Top Ways Owe J. can earn $33.5 Million. 1) Unretire and play for the Dallas Cowboys. Police record is irrelevant. 2) New Bruno Magli shoe. 'Air Simpson' 3) Dan Marino out; Owe J. in Isotoner ads. 4) Spokesperson for Ginzu knives. 5) Join the Professional Golf Tour. 6) Buy a Canadian baseball team and rename it the 'Toronto O Jays'. 7) 'O.J. Aid' Telethon. 8) Bronco Salesperson. 9) Volunteer for jury duty, pay adds up. 10) Hired Assassin 11) Sell his kids to Michael Jackson. 12) Offer to accept the reward for revealing the identity of the real killer. Thursday, March 13 British scientists have traced a living relative of a 9,000-year-old skeleton, establishing the oldest known link in the world in a family tree. Extracting DNA from the tooth cavity of the skeleton, scientists compared it with the DNA of some 20 local residents. They found a nearly perfect match in 42-year-old teacher, Adrian Targett. Oj Simpson's lawyers commented they, "Now believed that Ronald Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson's mysterious killer was actually a 5,000 year old relative OJ Simpson. A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in L.A. and he's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; we're not even moving!" He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer. What's the hold up?" Policeman: "O.J. just found out the verdict. He's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $18.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him." The man says,"Oh really? How much have you got so far." Policeman: "So far... ten gallons" Lance Ito's Sidebar & Grill If You Have An Hour To Kill, In the Mall Food Court Please Join Us For Dinner APPETIZERS ______________________________________ ROSA LOPEZ NACHOS...................$3.95 Spicy, with a thick Mexican accent. Nachos haven't been this good since...well, we can't remember! SALADS ______________________________________ KATO SALAD..............................$3.95 An empty head of lettuce, with very little dressing. FROM THE BAR ______________________________________ RON GOLDMAN WINE....................$3.95 Young vintage, good body. But you have to bring your own glasses. PAULA BARBERI COCKTAIL............$3.95 O.J. with a little honey on the side. Goes down real easy. MARCIA CLARK BEER....................$1.95 We thought we had a case, but now we're not sure. SANDWICHES ______________________________________ SIMPSON ALIBI SANDWICH.............$4.25 Full of baloney, and hard to swallow, but lots of stupid people are buying it! SOUP ______________________________________ SOUP DuJURY..............................$4.95 Aged for over a year. May be bitter. FROM THE GRILL ______________________________________ MARK FUHRMAN CHICKEN PLATE....$5.95 Absolutely no dark meat. DENNIS FUNG PLATE......................$5.95 Grilled detective, served open face. May be contaminated. DESSERT ______________________________________ Sorry, our Bakery is TEMPORARILY CLOSED. The Lawyers have taken all the dough. VIII. OJ Poetry The OJ Trial as told by Dr. Seuss. I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash her with a knife. I did not bonk her on the head. I did not know that she was dead. I stayed at home that fateful night. I took a cab, then took a flight. The bag I had was just for me. My bag My bag Hey, leave it be! When I came home, I had a gash. My hand was cut from broken glass. I cut my hand on broken glass. A broken glass did cause that gash. My friend, he took me for a ride. All through LA, from side to side. From north to south, we took a ride. But from the cops we could not hide. My trial lasted for a year. A year A year Just sitting here! The DNA, the HEM, the HAW. The circus-hype the viewers saw. A year A year Just sitting here. And lawyers charge by the hour, I fear. Did you do this awful crime? Did you do this anytime? I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. Did you take this person's life? Did you do it with a knife? I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. Did you hit her from above? Did you drop this bloody glove? I did not hit her from above. I cannot even wear that glove. I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. The glove you see it doesn't fit The lawyer says you must acquit Acquit because the cops all lied Acquit, acquit the lawyer cried If I'm found "Guilty," I'll appeal. Appeal! Appeal! I will appeal! I'll wheedle and whine; I'll cut a deal! If it's "Not Guilty," so glad I'll feel. The jury came back verdict in hand and silence fell across the land Not guilty, not guilty they did decree Not guilty, not guilty, now set him free And now I'm free, I can return to my house for which I yearn. And to my family whom I love. Now could you please return my glove? Poetic Justice: An Ode to OJ by Pundit Gainsay (With apologies to Dr.Suess.) He is O.J. Simpson. O.J. Simpson is he. O.J. Simpson, That O.J. Simpson, He makes my face Turn bright red crimson! They say he killed his ex-wife, slashed her throat with a knife. Would you, could you with a knife? I would not, could not with a knife. I could never, ever knife my wife. What of your driver on that date? He said you got home very late! I didn't get home at a late hour, I was upstairs taking a shower. Listen good to Rosa Lopez, My Bronco was home, it's what she says. What of Kato? He heard a THUMP! Could leaping fences cause that BUMP? I did not thump the backyard gate, I did not get home very late. Rosa said my Bronco's home, Ask Kato, I was not alone. I would not, could not with a knife, I could never, ever knife my wife. How about detective Fuhrman? He used the "N-word", filthy vermine! The glove! The glove! That bloody glove! I must say in my own defence The glove is planted evidence. Now Ms. Clark, please have a sit. Look here! Look Here! The glove don't fit! I did not thump the backyard gate, I did not get home very late. Rosa said my car was home, Ask Kato, I was not alone. I would not, could not with a knife, I could never, ever knife my wife. About the blood on the foyer floor, and that upon the Bronco door. Our experts looked at the D.N.A. They say it comes from you O.J. That D.N.A is inconclusive. Acquittal is what you must give The blood's not mine, the glove don't fit. Detective Fuhrman's a racist twit. Rosa said my car was home, Kato said I was not alone. I would not, could not knife my wife. The trial's now over so GET A LIFE! If the shoes are his'n, you must send him to prison. If the limo rang twice, you must put him on ice. If it's his DNA, you must put him away. If the hair is Ron's, you must put him in bonds. If he beat his wife, he could take her life. If there's blood on his trail, you must send him to jail. If the facts don't rhyme, you must give him time. If you know the glove shrank, put Juice in the tank. If they found OJ's hair, send him to the chair. If they're his bloody socks, make OJ break rocks. If it's his glove, he doesn't deserve our love. If there's blood on his socks, put him in the stocks. If he can't look you in the eye, let the damn Neanderthal die. If the defendant is a big, dumb dope, let him dangle from a rope! If his face has written on it "guilt," the defendant, too, should be kill't. And this little Diddy suggested by OJ's statement to Judge Ito that he could not, would not, kill Nicole and Ron. Ito's lines are in capital letters. DID YOU DO THIS AWFUL CRIME? DID YOU DO IT ANYTIME? I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. DID YOU TAKE THIS PERSON'S LIFE? DID YOU DO IT WITH A KNIFE? I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime I could not, would not, anytime. DID YOU LEAVE A POOL OF BLOOD? DID YOU DROP THIS BLOODY GLOVE? I did not leave a pool of blood. I can not even wear that glove. I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime I could not, would not, anytime. I did not do it, so I say It's not my blood or DNA THE BALLAD OF O.J. SIMPSON tune: "The Ballad of Lizzie Borden" (Chad Mitchell Trio, 1961) Yesterday out in Los Angeles, Nicole and Ronald died. And they busted O.J. Simpson on a charge of homicide. Well, he might not have done it but the media think he did, And Michael Jackson's volunteered to take care of the kids. 'Cause you can't cut your exes up in California, Contrary to all popular belief. No, you can't cut your exes up in California, You know it's gonna cause a lot of grief. Well, he might have used a razor 'cause the airline lost his gun, But he didn't use a hatchet 'cause THAT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE! Now poor O.J.'s in the jailhouse, and they're looking for the knife. For just ten million dollars, he might get off with life. 'Cause you can't cut your exes up in California, And then blame all the damage on the heat. No, you can't cut your exes up in California, With evidence upon the Bronco seat. You can sell a ton of crack and the cops will turn their back. You can rape and burn and loot; they don't want another suit. You can peddle phony stock like they do in Little Rock, But you can't turn your ex into a Pez dispenser. California is a far cry from DC. No, you can't cut your exes up in California, And then go out and drive around the town. No, you can't cut your exes up in California, It's almost sure to make the jury frown. �knuckles on guitar body: KNOCK! KNOCK!� To the tune of "Must be Santa CLaus" Who shopped around for a special knife? O.J. shopped around for a special knife. Who was late to catch his flight? O.J. was late to catch his flight. Late for flight Special knife Must be O.J...must be O.J...must be O.J...O.J. Simpson. Who said "So I killed the bitch?" O.J. said "So I killed the bitch?" Who screamed it out it front of a snitch O.J. screamed it out in front of a snitch Heard by snitch Kill the bitch Late for flight Special knife Must be O.J...must be O.J...must be O.J...O.J. Simpson. Who fled the cops in a White Bronco? O.J. fled the cops in a White Bronco. Who's got a hundred cops in tow? O.J. got a hundred cops in tow. Cops in tow White Bronco Heard by snitch Kill the bitch Late for flight Special knife Must be O.J...must be O.J...must be O.J...O.J. Simpson. GREEN EGGS AND SHAM - A children's book of the Simpson Trial (based on actual court transcripts of the O.J. Simpson murder trial.) Would you could you kill your wife? Would you, could you with a knife? "I would not, could not, with a knife, would not, could not, kill my wife." Would you, could you, with a shovel? Would you, could you, in a brothel? "I would not, could not, with a shovel, would not, could not, in a brothel. I would not, could not, with a knife, would not, could not, kill my wife. Did you drop your bloody gloves? Did you drop them, by the shrubs? "I did not drop my bloody gloves, I did not drop them by the shrubs." Did you speed off in your truck? Did you think you'd have such luck? "I did not speed off in my truck, I did not think I'd have such luck. I did not drop my bloody gloves, I did not drop them by the shrubs. I would not, could not with a knife, I would not, could not kill my wife. Did you leave some DNA? Tell us, tell us, dear O.J. "I did not leave my DNA, Will you please just go away!" Jury, Jury, go and talk, Decide to jail or let him walk. "We think there is no need to repent, it's clear that he is innocent. He would not, could not with a knife, He would not, could not kill his wife." "Your acquittal means so much, let me tell, I'm deeply touched! But I have some more to say, listen - turn your ears this way! I did leave some DNA! Fingerprints of old O.J.! Yes, I sped off in my truck, yes, I had terrific luck! Yes, I dropped my bloody gloves, dropped them in the bloody shrubs! I did kill her with a knife! I did kill her, kill my wife! I did stab her with a shovel! I would do it at a brothel! I would kill them here or there! I would kill them anywhere!" O.J. Simpson took a knife, And slit the throat of his ex-wife; When he saw a witness there, he killed him too without a care. O.J. meets Lizzie Borden... O.J. Simpson took a knife. Gave forty slashes to his wife. When he saw what he had done, He gave Ron Goldman forty one. The O.J. Song. O.J. O.J. What'd you do? Killed a white girl and her boyfriend too Hacked and sliced then drove away Got tried in court the American way A black, a white, and a Jew Went in to court to represent you Had a race card they did play The jury bought it and you walked away An L.A. policeman named Mark Was searching around in the dark And he found O.J.'s knife After he butchered his wife And planted it just for a lark! The defendant was a big, dumb, dope They should have hung him from a rope With the glamour and money of network TV The jury of idiots set him free But legally he's still on a tightrope! "You're a racist!" they said to Fuhrman "You're a pig and a scum and a vermin!" We set O.J. free As easy as one, two, three, Our verdict was predetermined! There once was a man they called "Juice" Was acquitted and's now on the loose. So please hide those knives And protect your wives, And hope he won't ever use a noose. There once was a fellow named Simpson, Who ran away covered in crimson. After carving his wife, With a "substantial knife," Said the cops, "What you did was quite grim, son." There once was a sports legend named O.J., Whose old lady told him to go away. He slashed up his wife, With a fifteen-inch knife, And then led a parade on the freeway! OJ's 50 ways to Leave Your Lover... 1. Go for the kill, ex-Bill. 2. End it all, Orenthal 3. Cut her loose, Juice. 4. Just slay, OJ. 5. Her boyfriend, too, 32. |
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