Other Celebrity Jokes

Other Celebrity Jokes

What is Stephen King's latest hit?

Ellen Degeneres to Kathy Lee Gifford:  Can I be "Frank" with you?

Hear about the new disease called Waldheimer's?
It's sorta like Alzheimer's, but the only thing you forget is war crimes.

What's white and commonly found on a L.A. restroom wall?
George Michael's latest release.

I hear that George Michael has fired his manager.
He has decided to handle himself. 

  Police recently arrested former 'Wham' lead singer George Michael
on charges of 'performing a lewd act' in a men's washroom.  The 
nature of the said act was not revealed by police other than to say 
that Michael was alone at the time.  
  Michael was quoted as saying he will not need an attorney and will
take matters into his own hands because the evidence will not stand
up in court.
  I have to wonder now if when George Michael was singing 'I Want 
Your Sex' the answer was usually 'No' or if he was seranading the 
hand that was holding the microphone.
  In related news, George Michael announced his engagement to 
'Thing' from the Adams family.  Pee Wee Herman is rumoured to be 
the Best Man. 

How do you spell "No Oprah" backwards?

What do you call Oprah Winfree with a yeast infection?
A whopper with cheese!

What did drug agents find under Oprah's dress?
80 pounds of crack.  

What would you get if you crossed a black with Bo Derek?
A ten of spades.

What's this: 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0?
Bo Derek's career since 10.

What's the difference between Bo Derek in the day and Bo Derek at night?
In daytime she's fair and buxome...

What do you call Britney Spears' cleavage?
Silicon Valley.

What's Britney Spears' next career goal?
To learn how to sing.

What can Calista Flockhart do with dental floss?
Hang herself.

Why did Calista Flockhart's hair turn blue?
She walked into a pool hall and someone chalked her head.

Why is voting for Trump a gamble?
Before you pull the lever, you have to insert a quarter.

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new car?
Neither has he.

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's wife?
Neither has he.

What do you call Stevie Wonder and Hellen Keller playing tennis?
Eternal love.

Why does Stevie Wonder swing his head when he sings?
Because he is looking for the microphone...

Why did Sinead O'Connor's parents smack her on the head so much?
They thought they were spanking her.

What would happen if Sinead O'Connor cracked her head open?
She'd look like an ass.

How does Sinead O'Connor part her hair?
She squats. 

Did you hear that Sinead O'Connor is coming out with a new shampoo?
It's a roll-on.

Heard about Salman Rushdie's sequels to "Satanic Verses"?
1) Buddha, you Fat Fucking Bastard,
2) Jesus was a Lousy Carpenter.

Signs You're in a Pauly Shore Movie  
Your "Will Act For Food" sign was evidently misread as "Will Act For Fool."
You can trace your character's lineage directly back to Spicoli
 in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High."  
All you were told is that you got a part in a movie, and you 
 play someone more inane than Pauly Shore.  
You're irritating, marginally coherent, and comically dressed, 
 yet chicks are diggin' you.  
You have numerous sex scenes, but your only speaking line is "Baaaa!"  
Screen test for part consisted of humiliating fraternity prank
 involving a hot dog and a flight of stairs.  
The director asks you, Jim Carrey, Gilbert Gottfried, and Tim 
 Conway to "dumb it down just a little more."  
Your body contains more silicon than Deep Blue.  
You bet your agent that she couldn't cast you in anything 
 stupider than the "Ernest" series.  
No male actors over 5' 4".  
You work with your acting coach for weeks to totally nail down
 the inner character of "Totally Harsh Dude #2."  
20% of budget set aside for "breaking wind" sound effects.  
After a day's shooting, you're beaten senseless in an alley by
 an enraged Siskel & Ebert.  
All the extras cover their faces like prisoners on the 6 o'clock news.  
You're surrounded by brilliant Shakespearean actors, all of 
 whom have balloon payments due on their beach houses.  
Daisy Fuentes co-stars as the President of the United States.  

What's the difference between a sewing machine and Pamela Anderson 
 running for a bus?
A sewing machine only has one bobbin

What do you get if you cross Pamela Anderson with Quasimodo?
The HunchFRONT of notre dame.

Plastic Pam, the thinking mans strumpet.
When she dies she has asked not to be buried, just "recycled"

  Tommy Lee and Canada's sexiest export, Pamela Anderson, are to be
remarried. Pam says everyone, even the guests, will be nude.
  We all know who the best man will be and I don't want to be around 
when they put the ring on.


What will they call the new TV series staring Abe Vigoda and Erik Estrada?
Fish & Chips.

Did you hear that Abbie Hoffman has gone underground again?

Define:  Bucket brigade.
The pall-bearers at Col. Sanders funeral.

Cher Doesn't like Sunny's bono'o.

What do having sex with Whoopie Goldberg and tightroping across the
 Grand Canyon have in common?
In both cases, you don't want to be looking down while you're doing it.

  The following joke is only funny if you know that Dennis Weaver played
McCloud on the TV series, McCloud...
  Mick Jaggar, Dennis Weaver and Hugh Hefner are at the Playboy Mansion 
one day having a couple of brewskis. Mick being at the mansion for the 
first time asks Hugh Hefner if can can take a look around the place.
  Hef says, "no problem" so off Mick goes. Jaggar starts taking a look 
in every room and finds that each room has a little plaque on the door 
as a tribute to each of the playmates that have graced the centerfold 
of Playboy magazine over the years. Inside each room is a lifesize copy 
of each centerfolds pictorial. After many rooms Mick sees one that has 
no plaque so he decides to take a look inside.
   Inside he sees Hugh Hefner having anal sex with Weaver. Mick takes 

What is the world's worst golf foursome??
OJ Simpson, Heidi Fleiss, Ted Kennedy and Greg Lougannis.
OJ is always slicing
Heidi is always hooking
Ted is always in the water
Lougannis is always in the wrong hole

Orville Redenbacher died-----He will be cremated no salt and lightly 
buttered.  Does that mean Orville left this world for a butter place?

Did you hear that Vanna White was robbed?
The thieves got away with a couple of "G's."

Did you hear that Vanna White was rushed to the hospital?
She couldn't move her vowels...Perhaps she was also inconsonant.

I'm thinking of something.
George Bush has a short one.
Mikhail Gorbachev has a long one
Madonna doesn't have one.
And the Pope has one but doesn't use it.
A last name.

Define:  Mine Shaft
What Arnold Schwarznneger calls his dick.

  I live not too far from Dr. Kevorkian and saw him one day at a local 
bookstore. I was wondering what kind of a book he would be interested 
in, so I went up to him and said hello.  I looked down and saw  he was 
reading a book about famine.  I felt like telling him I thought that 
method would be too slow for his patients but was not sure how he
would take the comment so I hightailed it out of there. 

What's this? (Action: hold a baseball with your chin against 
 your chest. Now lift your head slightly so the baseball drops.)
Christopher Reeves throwing out the first pitch.

You can see the relationship between Ted Turner and Jane Fonda is 
affecting her new workout video.   She keeps moving to the right.

What were the last words of Mr. Ed, the talking horse?
"A corpse is a corpse, of horse, of horse."

What do John Wayne Gacy and Rock Hudson have in common?
Both died from lethal injection.

What did the warden say to Gacy?
"What's your poison?"

What's Joel Rifkin's favorite song?
As the Girls go Bye.

What's the new sitcom starring Burt Reynolds and Loni Anderson?

  Fantasy island star Herve Villaichez, depressed over the fact that 
he was a midget, killed himself.  The diminutive star first tried to 
hang himself, but couldn't reach the ceiling in his room.  He then 
tried to jump from his window, but couldn't make it up to the window 
ledge.  The childproof cap on his Valium made it impossible for him 
to overdose.  Finally he just gave up, and stuck his dick into an 
electrical wall socket.

Why is Brandon Lee such a good actor?
He can finish a film in one shot.

What's black and crispy and comes on a stick?
Joan of Arc.

What does Donald Trump have in common with a woodpecker?
They both like to suck Maples.

What happens to the hero of "Kiss of the Spider Woman?"
He gets it in the end.

What do Arsenio Hall and Bo Jackson have in common?
Their hip is artificial.

Did you hear how Larry Flynt got the idea for Hustler magazine?
He was sitting in a dentist chair reading a Playboy when the dentist 
said, "Could you open a little wider please.." 

What does Jerry Falwell eat when he's constipated?
Moral fiber.

What was Corazon Aquino's happiest hour?
When she found out she had Imelda Marcos' shoe size.

Have you ever noticed how those Troll dolls look like a cross
 between Don King and Ross Perot?

Who's got long blonde hair and big tits, and lives in Melbourne, Australia?
Salman Rushdie.

How are Coretta King and Mrs. Arthur Ashe like some spiders?
They're black widows.

Why did Vanessa Williams lose her Miss America title?
They didn't like her bed spread.

What's the difference between the Miss Universe pageant 
 and a fourth down in football?
On fourth down they kick a punt.

What is Dale Evan's favorite fast food?
Roy Rogers.

What's the name of the new Perry Mason movie?
"The Case of the Hidden Gerbil."

What would you call a comedian whose pants are too tight?
Dickie Smothers. 

What do you call a dog with wings?
Linda McCarthy. 

  The day that Linda McCartney died, Paul said to their kids, 
"I've got some good news and bad news. The bad news is, I'm 
afraid your mum has finally passed away."
  After the kids had taken that in, they asked, "What's the 
good news?"
  "Get your coats," said Paul, "We're all going to McDonald's!"

What do Albert Einstein and agent 99 have in common?
They were both fucking Smart.

How do you catch AIDS?
By Fucking Magic. 

What TV show was Sammy Davis Junior offered a starring role in?
I Spy. 

What die the Dali Lama say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."

What was special about Rockefeller's last roll in the hay?
He didn't know if he was coming or going.

Why was Mona Lisa smiling?
Leonardo's fly was open.

Exxon changed its name???!!
It's now "Accidental Petroleum."

Did you hear Buckwheat became a Muslim?
He's now known as "Kareem of Wheat."

What actress appears topless in all of her movies?
Ann Jillian.

Who is Lois Lane's favorite TV personality?
Dick Clark.

Why shouldn't you eat out Rosanne Barr?
You can get trichinosis from eating undercooked pig meat.

How is Rosanne Barr's twat like Freddy Krueger?
Either one would scare the hell out of you.

What happened when Rosanne went on a cruise wearing a gray dress?
A Navy admiral tried to board her at the dock.

What is Roseanne Barr's favorite sex toy?
Ben-Wa basketballs.

What do you call an army of Lesbians?
Militia Etheridge

Do you know Rock Hudson's background?
He was born in Wisconsin and 'reared' in San Francisco.

They say that Rock is getting better...
he's back on his hands and knees.

Tatoo on the front of a gay insurance man: 
"Get a Piece of the Rock, While you can!"

Did you hear they found Jim Nabors dead from drowning in New York?
He was found bobbing on the Hudson

Why did Rock Hudson's car insurance company cancel his policy?
Because he had been rear-ended at least once too often ...

They say that Rock Hudson doesn't have very many friends,
but he has Neighbors up the Ass!!

Know what it says on Rock Hudson's tombstone?
I hate to leave my good friends behind.

What does Rock Hudson and Len Bias have in common?
They both got a hold of some bad crack.

What does Rock Hudson's boyfriend have in common with Jack-in-the-Box?
They both served up some bad meat.

Rock Hudson was thinking of selling cookies??!!
He was going to call them "Famous Anus" 

How did Sylvester Stallone get AIDS?
He was in Rocky, too.

Did you all here about Rock Hudson and Sylvester Stallone teaming up
in the new movie coming out next summer?  It's called:
** Rambutt **

Why did Liberace play the piano?
Because he sucked on the organ.

How do we know that Martina Navratilova is ready for winter?
Because she is up to her ears in muffs.

If Hank Aaron holds the record for the most home runs, and Pete Rose 
got the most base hits, who holds the record for getting hit in the 
face with the most balls? 

You heard how Liberace died?
He played too many hymns on his organ.

What do Renee Richards and Richard Nixon have in common?
Both left their Dick behind.

What is the similarity between British Telecom and Elton John?
They have both been fucked by Mercury.

What do Robert Maxwell and Freddie Mercury have in common?
They were both knocked off by dodgy seamen!

Top 10 Ironic Celebrity Death Predictions

Ellen DeGeneres--Suffocates in the closet

Susan Lucci--Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps
to accept an Emmy

Jenny McCarthy--Struck by a random thought

Frank Sinatra--Killed by Stranglers in the Night

RuPaul--Prostate cancer

O.J. Simpson--Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide


Unabomber--Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage"

Al Gore--Dutch Elm Disease

Bill Gates--Falls out of a Window

What's brown and hides in the attic?
The Diarrhea Of Anne Frank. 

What was Gary Hart's biggest mistake?
Not having Ted Kennedy drive Donna Rice home!


What was Karen Carpenter's favorite low-calorie dessert?
A tray of ice cubes.

Why did Cleopatra take milk baths?
She couldn't find a cow tall enough for a shower.  

  Police have issued a statement saying that they have found 
amphetamine sulphate, cocaine and angel dust at the flat of 
Paula Yates. There is no sign of the other daughter.

What do David Beckham and a diamond ring have in common?
They both come in a posh box.

What did Davy Crockett say at the Alamo?
Where the fuck did all these landscapers come from?

How can you tell Arnold Schwarzenegger is getting old? 
New phrase: "Ow, my back."

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