Mike Tyson Jokes

  



Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter 
Don King:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for
three years, not Princeton."


 
Mike Tyson Quotes

"I could sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating," 

"I want your heart, I want to eat your children." 

"If Lewis tries to intimidate me again I will put a bullet 
in his skull."

"I want your grandkids and great-grandkids to remember me 
and say 'Wow, what a bizarre individual.' "
 


Why did they send Mike Tyson to prison?
There were no more vacancies on the Supreme Court.



I heard on the news that Mike Tyson passed his psychiatric exam 
and can fight again.  They should have asked Evander Holyfield 
for his input. He would have given them an earful.



Mike Tyson Turns to Community Work
by Sanford Manley, Special Report to SEFLIN News 
Service (SNS) New York (SNS) While the Nevada State 
Boxing Commission was yanking Mike Tyson's license 
and levying a three million dollar fine, Mike Tyson
was conspicuously absent. In seeming disregard of 
his boxing future, Mike Tyson flew to New York and 
disappeared into the South Bronx where this reporter 
found him working in a store front clinic. "I feel 
I have to give back to the community," Mike said, 
biting off a large ugly wart from the back of a 
young disadvantaged child. " I feel that I have 
finally found my niche."  Doctor Bill Green-Smith, 
director of the clinic, revealed that Tyson's 
methods, though unorthodox, were very effective. 
"Children are very excited to meet him and hardly 
notice when he performs the minor surgeries. Just 
this morning, he gnawed a malignant melanoma from 
a homeless woman. We don't need to use any anesthesia 
because of Mike's lightning fast technique."
Tyson hopes to expand his practice in the future to 
cosmetic surgery. "A few well placed jabs can help 
rearrange the most deformed faces," he declared.


Q: Did you hear what Tyson said to Holyfield after the fight?
A: Neither did Holyfield.


Mike Tyson's next fight will be against Prince Charles.
Apparently, Prince Charles is the only person on the planet 
with ears big enough to go 15 rounds.


Tyson is just a two bit fighter...er, I mean Two Bite fighter


With those years Mike spent in jail, I would think that he would 
be used to being 'butted' on a regular basis...


Why is Mike Tyson's voice so high?
Sparring with Andre Golatto


Who was Mike Tyson's last boxing coach?
Marv Albert


Evander Holyfield nicknames:
Earvander "The Real Meal" Holyfield.
E-Van-Gogh Holyfield


Mike Tyson Nicknames:
Mandible Mike the Cannibal
Munchin Mike
Masticating Mike
Iron Bite Tyson
EARon Mike Tyson
The Great Bite Hope


Well, you know what they say...
If you can't fight 'em... bite 'em.
If you can't beat 'em... eat 'em.
If you can't do 'em... chew 'em.
If you can't stomp 'em... chomp 'em.
If you can't whip 'em... nip 'em.
If you can't waste 'em... taste 'em.


Public Notice:
If mike tyson ever says he wants a piece a you...
take him literally!


Q.  What would have made Mike Tyson's apology seem more sincere?
A.  Don King drinking a glass of water at the same time!


Mike Tyson whispered an apology into Holyfield's ear.
Then he slipped it back into his pocket. 


Mike Tyson apologized to Evander Holyfield.
To bury the hatchet, he invited Evander out for a bite.


Now you all know why those sparring face masks cover up the ears.

 
 Looks to me that he probably realised after the bout, that
in Holyfield, he'd bitten off a bit more than he could chew....


What did Mike Tyson have for a post game meal?
 Some chilled Ciante and fava beans...fpfpfpfpfpfpfpfpfpfpf"


Who can ever deny that once in the ring, nobody
is a hungrier fighter than Mike Tyson.


What villain will Mike Tyson play in the next BATMAN ,
"THE NIBBLER"


Tyson just wanted to be the Heavyweight CHOMPion of the World!


Tyson had a prison flashback, became attracted to Holyfield,
and started to nibble on his ears.


Tyson tried to justify his actions by saying he has kids to feed.
I doubt the chunk he got would feed one kid even.
 

Whats the difference between a PIT BULL and MIKE TYSON ?
One is a crazy animal that bites the other is a dog.


The top 5 reasons the fight should have been allowed to continue
5) Nobody had money on a 3rd round DQ.
4) Evander was not finished dancing.
3) After the instructions from the ref were given, Mike thought 
   Mills Lane had said, "Let's get it off!"
2) Evander was upset because Mike hadn't first said, "Grace".
1) Mike was still hungry.


Holyfield's Girlfriend:  "So, what are we doing after you win 
the fight tonight, is anyone having a post fight party?"
Holyfield:  "I haven't heard anything, but I'll keep my ear to 
the ground."


Do you think there's one pissed off parachuter who's sitting in 
prison going, "Oh fuck, and I was hoping my night would be the 
oddest night in Evander's life."


Now we know why Tyson kissed all his other opponents after each 
fight:  He wanted to taste if they were done yet.


In one corner, MIKE TYSON.  In the other, GODZILLA.
How do they compare?
1) Godzilla's facial features are closer to Tyson's than any 
   human I can name...
2) Both like to take a bite out of something every now and then.
3) They're BIG AND MEAN ... but always lose in the end.
4) Every now and then they vanish because they're locked up 
   somewhere...
5) They do their best fighting with females, but it's not 
   always obvious how much is voluntary and how much isn't...
6) You'll regret having wasted your time watching either of 
   them on television...


No no no Mike, I said TALK his ear off.


Tyson fights like a street musician, he plays it by ear.  


Two guys talking about the fight:
 "I don't know why everyone's complaining about what Tyson did,  
This is one fight you could really sink your teeth into."
"Yeah sure," replied the other, "Evander needed it like he 
needed a hole in the head."


What is Mike Tyson's favorite Shakespeare quote?
"Friends, Romans, countrymen. Lend me your ears"


What is Mike Tyson's favorite food?
An ear of corn.


Mike Tyson mistook the boxing ring was a teething ring.


What did Tyson do after the fight?
He went home and put his favorite Sinatra album on, which 
included hits such as, "It Was A Very Good Ear", and
"I Bit It My Way".
 

Referee Miles Lane asked Holyfield why he didn't break when 
told to. He said, "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you!"  


What do Evander Holyfield's ears and Lay's Potato Chips
have in common?
 you can't eat just one!"


What was Mike Tyson's new Muslim name?
 'Allah Ba Shofacen'.


What is Mike Tyson's New new Muslim name?
 Allah Byt Shu 


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
 Mace.


Hear about the new Mike Tyson line of perfume?
 You slap it on.


What's the best thing to have while on a date 
with Mike tyson?
 The rape crisis hotline number. 


What sport will Mike Tyson take up if he is suspended 
 from Boxing?
The Broad Jump.  


Q: Who's the latest person to get tatooed on Tyson's arms?
A: Jeffery Dahmer.


Q. What did Tyson say to Holyfield after the referee took 
   two points away from him?
A. "Come 'ear."


Q: What did Tyson say to Don King back in the dressing room?
A: You're right it did taste like chicken!


  If Tyson gets banned for life, he could always become a 
barber.  Think about it: You could walk into his shop and 
say, "Hey, Mike!  Could you take a little off around the ears?


Have you heard that Holyfield-Tyson III is going to be held in
Tennessee?  Yeah, Don King's calling it the Chattanooga Chew Chew.


Q: What did Holyfield say after the fight?
A: Ear today, gone tommorrow.


Perhaps Mike Tyson should quit boxing and apply for a computer job.  
I heard Mike is excellent in handling bytes!


Q.> Where did Mike Tyson learn to bite ears?
A.> How else do you tell a 275 pound inmate that "No Means No"?


What is Mike Tyson's newest endorsement deal?
 He's doing commercials for LIFE Cereal...give it to Mikey, 
he'll eat anything.


Tyson to Holyfield before the fight:  "I eat punks like you for
breakfast."
Holyfield's reply: "Bite Me"


Why doesn't Tyson like Holyfield?
Something about him left a bad taste in his mouth.


Mike Tyson's a really quiet guy but don't get him going on
boxing - he'll chew your ear off.


Q: What's the difference between a Metallica concert and a
   Tyson - Holyfield match?
A: After the Metallica concert, there's a ring in the ears, 
   after the bout, there are ears in the ring.
   

  Holyfield has been laughing and making light of the situation 
instead of going crazy, not only proving that he's a champion 
with good taste, but he's a champion that tastes good.


  The woman who had accused sportscaster, Marv Albert, of 
assaulting her and biting her on her back resently recanted 
her accusations against Albert, clearing him of all charges.
The woman went on to say that she had indeed been assaulted 
and bitten but that it was a case of mistaken identity. "It 
was not until I watched last Saturday's fight that I realized 
the person who bit me was not Albert but Tyson," she exclaimed.


Mandible Mike Tyson matches we'd like to see on Pay Per Chew TV:
1)  J. Paul "he can't hurt ME like that" Getty Jr.
2)  Vincent Van Gogh
3)  Marv Albert
4)  Jeffery Dahmer
5)  Hannibal Lector
6)  Any Politician
7)  Any Lawyer
8)  Paul Bernardo
9)  John Wayne Bobbitt


Mike Tyson Excuses
10. Got a little carried away after seeing "Face/Off"
 9. Really wanted to win first prize on "America's Funniest 
    Home Videos"
 8. Like this doesn't happen every year in the Masters
 7. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's hilarious!
 6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact 
    that he talks like Melanie Griffith
 5. I guess you've never heard of a little thing called 
    "strategy"
 4. Ears is tasty
 3. "It was self-defense -- he wouldn't stop punching me"
 2. "Disqualified" sounds better than "got his ass kicked 
     all over the ring"
 1. He ran out of gum


Top Reasons Why Mike Tyson Bit Evander Holyfield
10. Wanted to unite the WCW and Ultimate Fighting Championships 
    once and for all
9.  Islamic religion prohibits eating pork, says nothing about 
    Holyfield's ears
8.  Tapes of  previous Holyfield fights suggested "glass lobes"
7.  Ref didn't say "no ear biting" during pre-fight instructions
6.  Exact same move okay in every single prison fight
5.  Thought he was back in the 'hood with Mitch "Blood" Green
4.  Never heard the term "Cauliflower Ear" before
3.  Upset about Britain/China Hong Kong handover
2.  Following up on Pre-Fight threat to "Eat Holyfield for lunch"
1.  They just looked yummy!!!!


A selection of headlines from the Sunday and Monday after the Mike
Tyson-Evander Holyfield fight and its aftermath: 

''A Bad Bite for Boxing'' - The News & Observer of Raleigh. 

''Twice Bitten'' - Times-Picayune of New Orleans. 

''Bite of the Century!'' - Arizona Republic. 

''Bite Night'' - Lexington (Ky.) Herald-Leader. 

''Tyson's Tasteless Tactics: Bite Night'' - The Record of 
Hackensack, N.J. 

''Reality Bites'' - Times Union of Albany, N.Y. 

''Did Tyson Bite Off More Than He Can Chew? Time Will Tell''
 - Salt Lake Tribune. 

''Tyson Subject of Biting Criticism'' - The (Baltimore) Sun. 

''Biting Commentary'' - The Boston Herald. 

''Tyson Bites the Dust, Holyfield'' - Huntsville (Ala.) Times. 

''Holyfield May Take a Bite Out of Tyson'' - The Indianapolis Star. 

''Holyfield Can't Stay Unbitten as Heavyweight'' - Sun-Sentinel,
 Fort Lauderdale, Fla. 

''Earmarks of cowardice'' - Houston Chronicle. 

''Earmark of an eerie night'' - The Atlanta Journal and the 
Atlanta Constitution. 

''A two-bit bout: Holyfield wins'' - Kansas City Star. 

''From Champ to Chomp'' - The Herald-Sun of Durham, N.C. 

''The Champ and the Chomp'' - The Jersey Journal. 

''Holyfield Still Chomp-ion'' - San Francisco Examiner. 

''Heavyweight Chomp'' - Philadelphia Inquirer. 

''Undisputed Chomp'' - USA TODAY. 

''World Chomp'' - The Sun (London). 

''Requiem for a Chompion'' - Philadelphia Daily News. 

''Sucker Munch'' - The Sun (London). 

''Biting Back: Evander has public's ear'' - Daily News, New York. 

''Toss Tyson Out on Ear'' - Daily News, New York. 

''Ear Flap'' - Newsday. 

''Ears Have It! Evander Wins'' - Montgomery (Ala.) Advertiser. 

''Tyson's Behavior Hard to Swallow'' - Providence Journal-Bulletin. 

''Dracula'' - New York Post. 

''Champ Chewing Over Legal Options'' - New York Post. 

''It's Tyson's Nature to (Ch)eat'' - New York Post. 

''For Tyson, Tooth Hurts'' - New York Post. 

''Now Ear This: Rematch is Possible'' - New York Post. 

''Lobe Blow for Boxing'' - The Tennessean. 

''Iron Mike Goes Down Biting'' - The Sunday Oklahoman. 

''Tyson Doesn't Gnaw What's Next'' - The Daily Oklahoman. 

''Ear of Scorn'' - Kansas City Star. 

''Pay Per Chew'' - Philadelphia Daily News. 

''Holyfield Lends Ear as Tyson Self-Destructs'' - Arkansas
Democrat-Gazette. 

''Ear-Responsible'' - Fort Worth Star-Telegram. 

''Tyson Scars Face of Boxing'' - The Guardian (London). 

I can add to that, "Two Chomps, One Champ and a Chump."  
(Portland Oregonian, Sunday).  Not bad eh?

Calgary Sun "Chump Chomps Champ"


Ear is a collection of Iron "Bite" Tyson puns, add yours... 

1)  Tyson-Holyfield II: The fight that was watched around the lobe. 
2)  It certainly was an eery fight.
3)  I guess you'd call last fight "The bite of the century."
4)  I've heard of an ear for music, but for boxing?
5)  I guess Tyson bit off more than he could chew last night.
6)  Tyson tried to win with all his bite.
7)  After last night's loss to Holyfield, Tyson's going to reaffirm
    the expression "ear today, gone tomorrow."
8)  I'm thinking of composing a "bite song" for Tyson's next fight. 
9)  You've heard of Friday night at the fights?  In the 90s, it's
    Saturday night at the bites. 
10) Tyson epitomizes what a prize biter is all about.
11) I bet they had a few good sound bites on the radio last night.
12) Tyson must have heard wrong, Holyfield said let's go out for a
    bite *after* the fight. 
13) We have a new superhero:  Biteman!
14) Tyson sure lost some edibility last night.
15) Have you noticed that Tyson Chickens are missing ears?
16) Holyfield gave Tyson an earful during the fight.
17) Tyson's game plan?  Play it by ear.
18) Tyson's favorite song?  The Erie Canal.
19) Tyson's favorite movie?  From Ear to Eternity.
20) The moral of the fight?  To ear is human, to forgive divine.
21) Tyson thought the ad said, "I wanna be like Marv."
22) Tyson is into computers, the mega byte variety.
23) Holyfield is the "Real Meal"
24) It was the fight of the EAR!
25) Mike bit off more than he could chew
26) Mike Tyson's actions were a violation of his parole, punishable 
    by up to 2 ears!
27) Holyfield beat Tyson in the 3rd round by TGO: 
    Technical Gnaw Out. 


What do Evander Holyfield and Han Solo's Wookie have in common?
Both are known to some as Chewy.


With Mills Lane stopping the fight after Tyson's second bite, the 
following question remains unanswered:
Just how many bites does it take to get to the tootsie-roll center 
of Evander Holyfield?


Good news! Don King has just announced that Mike Tyson will be ready 
to fight again, as soon as he gets the okay from his dentist.


Evander Holyfield proved that he was sincere in his Christian 
convictions - If a man biteth thy right ear, turn the other 
cheek and offer him thy other also. (Matt 5:39)


Mike Tyson was disqualified because of a lobe blow.


I heard that Holyfield was trying to sue Tyson for trying to bite 
off his ears, but the judge wouldn't give him a hearing.


Why did Iron Mike bite both of Holyfields ears? 
 Because, as his mother taught him, if you finish your dinner, you 
can have dessert..


What did Mike Tyson's girlfriend give him after the fight?  
An earful..


Mike Tyson gives new meaning to the word ear-responsible..


Q.>  The government just outlawed another 32 assault
     weapons with its latest crime bill.
A.>  Mike Tyson's teeth.


What did Mike Tyson say when the judge asked him 
if he had the womans consent ?
Mike: I had cunt scent on my hands ! Cunt scent 
on may face and Cunt scent on my dick !




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