Michael Jackson Jokes

Michael Jackson Jokes


What was Michael Jackson before he was a star? 
A fetus.

Why is Michael Jackson's new album entitled "Bad?"
Because he couldn't spell "Pathetic."

Why are Michael Jackson and Lisa-Marie are splitting up?
Michael misunderstood when they discussed having children.

Could you imagine the problems, if they had.  Marie is an 
agnostic. Michael Jackson is a Jehovah's Witness.  Their 
kids would have been going around knocking on doors for no 
reason whatsoever.

Michael Jackson was on his multi-million yacht off the Keys.  
It went down.  The Coastguard went looking, the Marines went 
looking, in the end it was ok though, they found him bobbing
up and down on a buoy.

Rumour has it that Michael Jackson's baby was conceived 
through artificial inseminination. Pee Wee Herman was 
best man at the wedding. Coincidence?  I think not.

Did you hear that Michael Jackson had a baby boy last week?
Yup, its true...and the week before that he had a 12 year 
old boy. 

What's the first problem the MJ's child will have in life?
Figuring out which parent is his mother. 

Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
The bread goes in brown, and comes out white.

What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalogue.

What does Michael Jackson reminisce about when he 
gets nostalgic?
Blowing his first nose.

What's the difference between Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson?
Richard Pryor got burnt on coke, Michael Jackson got burnt on Pepsi!

Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
He thought it was a delivery service.

  Michael said to Debbie one night, "I fancy some entertainment, 
what shall we do?". 
  To which Debbie replied "I know we'll get a video".
  Michael then said "Great, I'll get Aladdin".
  Debbie said speedily "No Michael, You have been in trouble for 
that before"

What's black and comes in little white cans?
Michael Jackson

What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
Michael Jackson.

Prince Michael Jackson, Jr. --- you know in a few years 
 they'll probably change his name to:
The Child Formerly Known as Michael Jackson's Baby

I understand that Micheal decided to have a boy of his own 
because it's too expensive to rent them at $2 Million a pop.

Michael Jackson had a boy. He also became a father!

He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth 
could he have sex. 
The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is 
at least 12 or 13 years old.

What do Michael Jackson & Michael Jordan have in common?
They both played ball in the Minor League.
What's the difference between them?
One was in the Minors, the other is into Minors.

Why was Michael Jackson relieved of his Cub Scout Leader duties?
He was up to a pack a day.

What happens when Michael talks about sex?
It's all very tongue in cheek.

What does Michael have in common with NASA?
It's been 25 years since his first moon landing.

What do Michael's ass and an LA jail have in common?
Both hold the juice.

What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A Michael Jackson slumber party.

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson.  
If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the 
Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.

What do Michael Jackson and Willie Shoemaker have in common?
Both ride 4 year olds.

How do we know Michael Jackson is ready to release 
another album?
He has a lot of stuff in the can.

What will they call Michael's new TV series?
Anus and Andy.

What's the worst stain to try to remove from a little 
boy's underpants?
Michael Jackson's makeup.

Hear about the new "Michael Jackson" candy bar?
It's made from white chocolate, and contains no nuts.

Michael Jackson and Woody Allen on "Child Psychology": 
"Spare the rod, and spoil the child."

What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?
Got two fives for a ten?

What is Michael Jackson's Alma Mater?
Bring-em Young.

Did you hear about the duet by Michael Jackson and Elton John?
It is titled "Don't let your son go down on me."

What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson?
Michael Jackson has had more noses.

Why did Michael invite MacCauly Caulkin to the house?
He's like the little boy he never had.

Why does Michael really need to go to rehab?
He's a crack addict.

What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
"Little Boy Blew."

Did you know that Michael Jackson just turned 35?
Yeah, but he still feels like a 13 year old.

How did Michael get in trouble?
He was feeling a little Randy.

How is Michael dealing with his problems?
He's holding his own.

How are Michael's friends dealing with the problem?
They're all standing behind him.

How did Michael actually proposition the little boy?
It was just a slip of the tongue.

What's sex like for Michael?
Child's Play.

How is Michael now?
Feeling a little crotchety.

Hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?
It comes in a little can.

Why does Michael like children so much?
He knows how they feel.

How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
By all the Big Wheels in his driveway.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Plastic bag?
One is made out of plastic and is dangerous for kids to play 
with and other is used to carry groceries.

Why does Michael own a theme park?
He's always been into children's shit.

Did you hear Michael Jackson was running a "blue-light" 
 special at a local K-Mart?
Little boys' pants were half off!

What makes Michael Jackson so unique?
It's the little boy inside him.

How does Michael like to party?
He sips a couple of Tall Boys.

What's Michael's favorite snack?
Slim Jims.

What's Michael's favorite fast food?
Big Boys.

How do we know Michael is guilty?
Several children have fingered him.

Why is Michael so tough?
He can lick any kid on the block.

What's the new movie about Michael Jackson called?
"The Hand that Robs the Cradle."

Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael?
He doesn't mind reaching bottom.

What's Michael's favorite Canadian TV show?
The Kids in the Hall.

Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10"? 
Two 5 year olds.

Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
Because they aren't his!

How will Michael pay off his old boyfriends?
Liquefy some assets.

What's the difference between Nixon and Michael Jackson?
One was a consummate asshole, the other a consummated asshole.

Tuck the end of a jacket sleeve into your pants crotch.  
Hold the jacket off to the side.  
  Then ask, "What's this?"
  "Michael Jackson helping a kid put his coat on."

What are Michael Jackson's favorite movies?
1) Close Encounters of the Turd Kind
2) The Boy Fuck Club

Where does Michael have sex in England?
In the Gents!

What's Michael's favorite diet?
Liquid Protein.

What did Michael Jackson say after he 
was interrupted during sex?
"Shit happens!"

What does Michael's penis smell like?
Pork and beans.

What's Michael's favorite cartoon?

Will Michael ever get laid again?
He'll get another crack.

How did Michael deal with his accusers?
He blew them off.

What are Michael Jackson's favorite sayings?
 1) There's a sucker born every minute.
 2) Kids do the darndest things.
 3) Tricks are for kids.

Why is Michael Jackson in therapy?
He wants to get in touch with his inner-child.

How does Michael Jackson teach kids?
He uses a hands-on approach.

What's Michaels' next movie?
Honey I Blew the Kid.

What's Michaels' favorite group?
New Kids on the Cock.

What do Michael and Gaylord Perry have in common?
Both have held lots of wet balls in their hands.

What's sex like for Michael?
Like candy from a baby.

What psychological problem does Michael still suffer from?
Anal retention.

What do Michael and Catholic school nuns have in common?
Both are a pain in the ass to kids.

What's the difference between Michael and Connie Chung?
Michael's been able to have kids.

What's Michael's favorite dish?
Creamed shrimp.

Why's Michael cutting down on public appearances?
He wants to spend more time with the kids.

How are Michael's friends like U.S. veterans?
They all get fucked in the end.

How will they ensure that Michael gets a thorough body search?
Hire a Catholic priest to do it.

What will they call the upcoming movie about Michael Jackson?
"The African Queen."

How do we know Michael Jackson isn't really a virgin?
He's got children out the ass.

What's the new cartoon about Michael Jackson called?
Beavis and Buttfuck.

Michael Jackson and Pee Wee Herman are have come out 
with a new video called... "I'll beat it for you."

Why did Michael Jackson want to join the Branch Davidians?
So he could be black again.

Why does Michael Jackson want to look like a woman?
His cock is only 9" long.

Who is Michael Jackson's Dermatologist?
Marge Schott.

How does Michael Jackson resemble the Cincinatti Reds?
They're both whiter than they should be.

  A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, 
"Is God male or female?" 
  After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God 
is both male and female."
  This confuses the little boy so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
  "Well, God is both black and white."
   This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
  At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, 
"Honey, God is both gay and straight."
  At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he 
triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"

McDonald's is bringing out a new burger ...
The "Micheal Jackson Burger"...
It has 35 yr old meat inside 5 yr old buns.

What's the difference between a horse racing jockey and Michael Jackson?
A jockey can mount 3 year olds legally

Whats did Michael Jackson say when he returned to Neverland Ranch?
You know, I feel like a new boy!

 Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael?
He doesn't mind reaching bottom.

Lisa Marie's Divorce Allegations Against Michael Jackson

1)  Wouldn't drink beer, watch football and break wind 
    with her during Thanksgiving with Mom at Graceland.
2)  Refused her pleas for separate make-up mirrors.
3)  Unwilling to try new things in bed...like her 
    for instance.
4)  Elephant Man bones...fine.  Oxygen chamber for eternal 
    youth...well okay.  But what's with the Groucho head 
    on Jayne Mansfield's body thing?
5)  In all their months of marriage not once did he 
    charter a  jet to get her peanut butter sandwiches 
    or fly a mime troupe in from France like Poppa did 
    for Momma.
6)  Had her favorite noses (June 1994 and September 1995) 
    done over.
7)  She was shocked to discover that the glittery uniforms 
    were not actually part of any real military organization.
8)  He started hanging out with Madonna's dancers to toughen
    up his image.
9)  Everywhere you turn, Elizabeth Taylor's supporting you 
    through some sordid allegation.
10) Stood in the way of her film career when he refused to 
    bankroll her debut performance in 'Jailbait Rock', the 
    story of her Mom and Dad's courtship.
11) The all-night Kool Aid and Twister marathons with his 
    little friends left him too tired to do that 'hee-hee-hee' 
    thing she fell in love with.
12) She felt pressured to buy hundreds of thousands of 
    dollars worth of LaToya's Amway products for the sake 
    of family peace.
13) Jermaine and Tito were constantly asking her why Elvis 
    didn't have kids THEY could marry.
14) Swears she thought she was marrying Michael Keaton.
15) She grew tired of scouring every Chucky Cheese's within 
    a 50 mile radius only to find him slumped over a table 
    in yet another chocolate milk and Pez stupor.
16) He told her to "just beat it" one too many times
17) He's a plain spoken "Hoosier", and she had clearly gone
18) She wanted someone more like her father, and though he 
    was already a pathetic parady of his former self, he was 
    just unwilling to gain weight.
19) He kept forgetting to put the top back on the mascara.
20) Irreconcilable similarities.

Who will Michael record his next album with?
Les Brown.

What do Michael and Mrs. Perot have in common?
Both fuck little assholes.

Why does Michael travel with a huge road crew?
He always has a lot of shit to pack.

Why doesn't Michael sleep with boys anymore?
He's tired of all the cracks.

Did you know they're putting out a Michael Jackson stamp?
Fans get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.

Why did Michael go to college?
To get his Bachelor of Arse degree.

Why's Michael trying out for the NBA?
He's a crack shooter.

Why's Michael opening a sperm bank?
He always has a shitload of semen.

Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet?
Emily Dick in son.

What does Michael call an orgy?
A fruit salad.

What's the difference between Michael and a proctologist?
A proctologist doesn't pay for the assholes he's poked around in.

Why doesn't Michael have orgasms?
The big payoff comes a couple of months later.

Why has Michael been appearing on children's shows lately?
He has a lot to plug.

Why does Michael Jackson hide for a couple hours after one 
of his little friends leave?
It takes that long to get the bubble gum off his dick.

What did Michael Jackson suffer from as a kid?
Clitoris envy.

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