David Koresh Jokes

David Koresh Jokes

Hear about the latest Branch Davidian TV movie?
"Gone with the wind."

Why are there no religious cults in Waco anymore?
They ran out of steam.

There's a special on baby back ribs in Waco today!

What does "Waco" stand for?
"We ain't coming out."

How did all the fires in California get started?
David Koresh is getting his revenge.

What do you call a Branch Davidian in Waco, TX?
A burnt-again Christian!

How will David Koresh be honored?
With an eternal flame.

Did you know that Koresh is trying out for the 1996 Olympics?
As the torch.

What does David Koresh now call himself? 
Jesus Crisp.

How do we know that Koresh was a real slob?
Because of the flash burns on his underwear.

How many Branch Davidians does it take to replace a light bulb?
Only one, assuming he's still on fire.

How does Janet Reno earn her living?
She made a killing in Waco.

What do David Koresh and Pete Rose have in common?
Both got burned by Reno.

How did Koresh greet the Texas authorities?
With a crisp salute.

What does Koresh have in common with J. R. Ewing?
No one cares who shot either one.

What's the most common crime in Waco?
Dope smoking.

What's the latest fad in Waco?
Fire walking.

What's the hardest job in Waco?
Dusting for fingerprints.

What's the leading cause of cancer in Waco?
Inhaling David Koresh.

How do Branch Davidians resemble Somalians?
They're black, covered with flies, and weigh less 
than ten pounds.

What's worse than a flood in an Alka-Seltzer factory?
A fart in the Branch Davidian Compound.

What's the new name for the Compound?
"Fort Worthless."

Why did Koresh want to be eaten by Jeffry Dahmer?
So he could feel like hot shit.

What do you call an Australian child in the Koresh
Another shrimp on the barbee.

Where do the maggots on Koresh's body come from?

What does pussy in Waco taste like?
Smoked oysters.

What does Casey Kasem call the Koresh compound?
The hot 100.

What's the most common compliant in Waco?

What does Jeffry Dahmer look for in Waco?

What was David Koresh's favorite breakfast cereal?
Crispy Critters!

How is Waco like a Snickers bar?
Roasted nuts.

Why is Al Gore so upset with the Branch Davidians?
Because of their contribution to global warming.

Did you hear that David Koresh lost his job as the 
second messiah?
He got fired.

Did you know that Ranch Apocalypse had an Internet 
Yes, and Koresh's last news post started: "Feel
 free to flame me, but..."

What are they gonna call the TV Miniseries about
 David Koresh?
"A Match Made in Heaven"

What were David Koresh's Last Words?
1. "No, Bud Light!"
2. "Just kidding, I'm not really God."
3. "I said Vaseline, not kerosene."
4. "OW!!!!" (best guess.)

What do David Koresh and Richard Simmons have in common?
They are both flamers.

Why did Koresh like the Brach Davidians?
Because they were such a bright group.

When did the FBI get what they wanted?
When Koresh finally went out.

What is Koresh wearing right now?
1. His best Sunday soot.
2. Charcoal slacks.
3. A smoking jacket.

Why didn't Koresh surrender to the FBI?
1. He didn't want to be grilled by authorities.
2. He didn't want the FBI to give him get the 
    10th degree.

How is the Hindenburg like Waco, TX?
Both have flammable compounds in them.

Why did David Koresh have so many wives?
They made excellent matches.

David Koresh certainly made an ash of himself this time.

What did Janet Reno say to the head BATF agent?
Well Done!

If you're a smoker, there's one thing you should 
Ask for a light.

What's the saddest thing about the Waco tragedy?
Rosanne Barr and Tom Arnold weren't inside the compound.

How does Koresh like his chicken?
Extra crispy.

Why did Koresh burn down the complex?
He was keeping up with the Jones'.

Nobody was allowed to quit the Branch Davidians:
They were all fired.

What do Margaret Hoolihan and David Koresh have in common?
They both have Major Burns all over them.

Hear that David Koresh had blue eyes?
One blew left and one blew right.

Hear that Koresh had dandruff?
They found his Head & Shoulders in the compound.

What do you get when you pick up a Branch Davidian woman?
A great piece of ash.

Did you hear the advice the L.A.P.D. gave the F.B.I.?
"It's better to batter them before you fry."

There's a new brand of bottled nuts on the market.
Problem is, you can shake the bottle all you want 
but the nuts won't come out.

Did you hear they are changing the name of Waco?
It's to be called "Corpus Chrispie".

Know how the fire started?
The burning bush was too close to the curtain.

What's the best way to start a fire?
Get a gallon of gasoline and rub two Branch 
Davidians together.

Hear the latest Yuletide favorite?
"Koreshites Roasting on an Open Fire."

Planter's is buying the compound?
They're interested in the roasted nuts.

When Jeffry Dahmer found out about the fire at
Mt. Carmel, he called  Waco and ordered 12
medium rare.

David wasn't killed by the fire??
Nope, but he was killed by a speedboat while
walking on Lake Waco.

What is Koresh's favorite ice cream?
Mount Carmel...full of toasted nuts, that won't 
come out of the carton.

Poor David Koresh, wanted to be a priest,...
but only made it to friar.

Why didn't the Davidians put out the fire in 
the compound?
They didn't have enough Kool-Aid!

Did you hear David Koresh's mother was in the
She had a really bad case of son burn.

Why did Michael Jackson want to join the Branch 
So he could be black again.

What's higher than the pollen count in Waco?
The Branch Davidian count.

What was the one vice the Branch Davidians
were allowed to engage in?
Smoking in the compound.

How did Koresh behave in public?
He made an ash of himself.

Who is Janet Reno's latest flame?
David Koresh.

Who are they using for undertakers in Waco?
Chimney sweeps.

What's the leading case of death in Waco?
Black Lung Disease.

What did the FBI say when they found Koresh?
"That's the way the kooky crumbles."

Hear that Koresh is hosting a new TV show?
It's called, "Tales form the Crisp."

What will the SWAT team in Waco spread on their
faces for camouflage now?
David Koresh.

Was David Koresh a closet queen?
No, he was flaming.

How do you escape the Branch Davidians?
In a cloud of smoke.

What's the new name for Koresh's hometown?
Baco, Texas.

Who fought it out on Koresh's last day?
The Houston Oilers and the Texas Rangers.

What burns five gallons of gas and goes nowhere?
David Koresh's compound.

What was the Branch Davidian cult?
Something cooked up by David Koresh.

Why is Jeffrey Dahmer going to Waco?
For a barbecue.

Who's going to star in the David Koresh movie?
Richard Pryor.

Hear about Jeffrey Dahmer's new cult?
The Brunch Davidians.

What did the Lord say when David Koresh got 
to the Pearly Gates?
"Well Done!"

What does Rodney King have in common with 
David Koresh?
They're both black.

David Koresh escaped death and the authorities in 
the cult fire.  They found him in San Antonio. 
 He was arrested at Sea World, where he had been 
looking for the seven seals.

Mar's Candy company has issued a Branch Davidian 
commemorative candy bar..
It's called the "Mt. Carmel" candy bar and is full
 of roasted nuts.

Did you hear that David Koresh finally stopped smoking?

What were David Koresh's last words?
"I said a Bud Light!"

What Does WACO stand for?
1. We Ain't Coming' Out
2. We All Cremated Ourselves
3. When Attacked, CookOut!
4. What a cook out!

What do you call a Branch Davidian with a fire extinguisher?
A heretic.

What do you call a Scientologist with a flame-thrower?
A copycat.

Why did the compound in Waco burn to the ground?
They couldn't put out the fire with their Kool Aid. 

Why don't we have more prophets like David Koresh?
It's such a high stress job that burnout is almost 

The events in Waco could have been foreseen, had 
anyone in the FBI understood that David Koresh 
was encapsulating Jewish history...
First they re-enacted Passover, then there was 
the re-enactment of the Warsaw ghetto uprising.

The Branch Davidian Church has split into two sects:
Orthodox and Extra-Crispy.

How do you pick up a Branch Davidian woman?
1) With a dustbuster.
2) With a broom and dustpan.

NBC found a sponsor for the David Koresh mini-series:
Weber Barbecues, Inc.

What was the most popular name for Branch Davidian 

How can we avoid future tragedies like the Waco 
Strict OSHA standards requiring automatic sprinkler 
systems for all cult compounds that accommodate 50
or more fanatics.

After the tragedy at Mt. Carmel on Monday, the 
Branch Davidians will be holding a bar-b-que to attract 
new members.

How did David Koresh find out he was Jesus Christ?
God spoke to him through a burning building.

What kind of pants do Branch Davidians wear?
Charred-Ass Jeans

What do David Koresh and Burger King Whopper have 
in common?
They are both flame broiled.

Why is David Koresh still in the news?
Because of his smoldering personality.

What do David Koresh and Jesus Christ have in common?
They are both dead.

What do you call Asian Branch-Davidians?
Rice Crispies.

Standoff? It was really more of a Bake off wasn't it?

Why did David Koresh's last manager like him so much?
He was a real self-starter!

Which Simpsons character is most like David Koresh?
Mr. Burns.

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