Cartoon Jokes

Cartoon Jokes

  Snow White received a camera as a gift.  She happily took 
pictures of all the Dwarfs and their surroundings.  When she 
finished the first batch, she took the film to be developed.  
  After a week or so she went to get the finished photos.
  The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.
  She was very disappointed and started to cry.
  The clerk, tried to console her and said, "Don't worry.  
Some day your prints will come."

 Doughboy Dead at 71...
 Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday
 of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in
 one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.
 Dozens of celebrities turned out including: Mrs.Butterworth,
 the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the 
 Hostess Twinkies. The gravesite was piled high with flours 
 and longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, 
 describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was 
 Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was
 filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very
 smart cookie, squandering much of his dough on half-baked
 schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model
 for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They
 have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held
 at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


  The world was stunned by the news, today, of the death of the
ENERGIZER BUNNY.  He was six years old.  Authorities believe that 
the death occurred at approximately 8:42 pm last evening.
  Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going and going
and going.  "Pinkie," as he was known to his friends and relatives,
was alone at the time of death.
  An emergency autopsy was preformed early this morning.  Chief
Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was 
acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over stimulation.
  Apparently, someone had put Mr. Bunny's batteries in backwards, 
and he kept coming, and coming and coming...

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Cough, gag, choke, etc.


What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oil.

  It was only after their population of fifty mysteriously
shrank to eight, that the other seven dwarfs began to suspect

  Do you know what was the last thing Batman said to Robin 
before they got in the car??
"Robin get in the fucking car"

Why were the giant's fingers only eleven inches long?
Because if they were twelve inches long, they'd be a foot!

What would you get if you crossed the ugly duckling with a cow?
Milk and quackers.

What do frog princes like to eat with their hamburgers?
French flies.

What would you get if you crossed Bo Peep's littlest sheep
  with a karate expert?
Lamb chops.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? 
His hand caught fire. 

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his wife off the wall?
So he could see her crack.

What has a purple head, stands up straight and little boys 
 love to play with it?
Barney the Dinosaur.

If you were standing in the middle of a corn field and 
had on big green ball in your left hand and another in 
your right hand. What in the world would you have in 
both hands??????

  "My cabbage patch doll didn't like me so the bitch took 
my VISA card and flew to Rome.  Naturally I disowned her 
immediately, but I wish she'd at least let me see the kids 
on weekends."

Next Christmas keep you eyes open for the follow-on to 
cabbage patch kids.  Ronco is going to  sell the vegamatic 
cole-slaw cuties -- made from real cabbage patch dolls!

Define:  Bald Spot
Rin Tin Tin's lover.

What does Popeye put on his spinach?
Olive Oil.

What would you call a beat-up Raggedy Ann doll lying face 
 down in a pile of rocks?
A Dirty Cotton Rock Sucker. 

Why is Cinderella such a bad soccer player?
She keeps running away from the ball!

Did you hear that Snap, Crackle, and Pop were murdered?
They're looking for a cereal killer.

How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
By sticking your finger in his honey. 

What's the definition of egg-head?
What Humpty Dumpty gets form his wife.

What does the Jolly Green Giant fear the most?
Avacado pickers.

Why did Frosty the snowman take off his clothes?
The snowblower was coming.

What do you get if you cross Sally Fields with a Smurf?
Blue Nun.

What is smorplay?
That's what Smurfs do before they smuck.

Why did Lois Lane give superman a blowjob?
She really craved the exciting taste of Kent.

  An American, an Englishman and an Irishman were stood 
on the balcony of a skyscraper having emerged from a 
boozy party in the penthouse suite.
  While getting some fresh air the Irishman said. "Look 
at the view. Wow its looks great at night, all the 
coloured lights. I could imagine being a bird flying 
around at night, admiring this beautiful cityscape". 
  To which the American said, "Well this is New-York,
Where dreams come true", and with that jumped off the 
balcony. This amazes paddy to see the American swooping 
around the skyscrapers for a good three or four minutes 
before returning to the balcony.
  "Wow I thought you were gonna die", said Paddy.
  "No way!" said the American, "This is New York remember. 
If you want it bad enough, you can do it."
  "What even me?", said paddy.
  "Yup, even you", he replied.
  With that paddy stood on the balcony railings, said 
"Wish me luck", and jumped, To his death...
  The Englishman looked sorrowfully at the American and 
quipped- "Superman - You're a barstard,when you're pissed"


  Once upon a time in fantasy land the unthinkable 
happened. Mickey Mouse sued Minnie Mouse for divorce.
  After pleading his case before the court the judge 
said "I'm sorry Mickey, but insanity is not grounds 
for divorce."
  "I didn't say that Minnie was insane, your honor." 
said Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy!"

  Snow White has been thrown out of fairyland. She was 
caught sitting on Pinnocchio's face shouting, 'Lie you 
little sod, lie!!'

What happened when Aunt Jemima screwed the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
She got a horrible yeast infection.

  A few years ago Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang made 
a new friend who developed leukemia in an animated special
entitled, "Why Me, Charlie Brown?"
  More recently they put out a series of instructional
pamphlets which feature the gang dealing with contemporary 
  Peanuts specials for kids of the 90's:

 We learn about VD in:

 Charlie and the little red-headed girl 
 learn about unwanted pregnancy in:

 Is Linus gay?

 Charlie moves back to his house in East L.A in:

 See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in:

 Discover a father's forbidden love in:

 Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in:

 What goes on the mind of a serial killer?  Discover the inner 
 workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous 
 alter ego "Mr. Clean" in:

 Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in:

 Charlie Brown gets his first job in:

 Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while
 stealing social security checks and stripping cars in:

 Peppermint Patty 'goes to town' on Marcie in:

 Chuck and the Little Red-Headed Girl find out about unwanted 
 pregnancy in, IT'S BLUE, CHARLIE BROWN!

 Explore the real problems of child abuse in America in,



10. Gargamel (From the Smurfs)
Most likely LSD.  Spends his life in pursuit of little blue 
guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat.  
What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches 
them anyway?

9. Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines.  Who is 
that skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she is always 
giving her burger to her friend.  One side question, what 
the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking?  What is it her 
personality?  NOT!

8. Snagglepuss
Can't explain it.  Maybe it's the name, or the look, but 
he is suspicious.

7. He-Man
This is an easy one.  I mean c'mon.  Roid monkey #1.  
"BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!"  Makes me want to root 
for Skeletor.  Alone in his castle, hitting the weights.  
And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet 
tiger.  Can we say "Animal Abuse"?

6.& 5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets.  
They go back to the cave and trip.  Another side? 
Are they gay?  I mean, take a look at BooBoo.  Not 
that there's anything wrong with that.....

4. Droopy
The number one downer abuser in toon land.  Can't 
someone slip him an upper every year or two.  The 
only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the 
picture of the babe.  Sort of makes you wonder.

3. Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it.  The other dwarfs deny involvement 
but they are under investigation.  Allegations are that 
Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the 
guys partaking are afloat.

2. Daffy Duck
If he isn't using crack, Merion Barry is clean.  He is 
so wired he bounces around on his head without pain.  
Blows his beak off all the time.  Some symptoms might 
be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't work for him.

By far the #1 suspect.  His clothes, his hair, his bad 
goatee, the boy converses with dogs.  But all of this 
is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor.  Anybody 
who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does 
pot no if, ands, or, buts about it.  And Look at the 
way him and his friends painted that van!  Pretty rad 
design dude.

  Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she 
sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
  "My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf",says Little Red Riding Hood.
  The wolf jumps up and runs away!!! Further down the road 
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is 
crouched behind a tree stump.
  "My what big ears you have Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.
  Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down 
the track Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this 
time crouched down behind a road sign.
  "My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
  With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams...
"Will you get lost?! I'm trying to take a shit!!!"

  The Seven Dwarves were discussing Snow White living with them. 
She now had her own little cottage next to theirs. One of the 
dwarves said that none of them had ever seen Snow White in the 
nude, so they planned to spy on her that evening. Since they were 
such short fellows, they stood on each others shoulders so that 
the top dwarf could see in her bedroom window.
  When Snow White came home and entered her bedroom, the top dwarf
whispered "She's here."
  Each dwarf passed the message down to the one below him. "She's 
here.","She's here." and so on down the line.
  Then "She's taking off her blouse", "She's taking off her blouse,"
"She's taking off her blouse"...
  Then "She's taking off her dress" and so on.
  Then "She's taking off her bra" and that message got passed along.
  "She's taking off her panties","She's taking off her panties"...
  Then the top dwarf noticed the doorknob turning.
  He says "Someone's coming", "Me, too", "Me, too", "Me, too"...

(AP)  The Trix Rabbit has filed litigation against his employer
General Mills, claiming damages of 1.5 million dollars.  His lawyer
spoke to the press this afternoon, and explained that this case is
based on defamation of character and loss of future income.
  "Our client is called `silly' numerous times in General Mills
advertisements, and the other actors continually ridicule him.  We
feel that General Mills has permanently damaged our client's chances
at landing other parts."
  The attorney went on to give an example, stating that "He wanted
to read for the role of 'Crackle' in a Rice Krispies ad, but was
turned away by a Kellogg's representative who said `silly rabbit, 
this part is for a kid."
  When the agent for the Nestle Quik Rabbit was contacted, he said
that his client had no intention of following the Trix Rabbit's lead.
  "Our relationship with Nestle is quite amicable.  They pay him well,
they don't make him look like a fool, and they let him eat all the 
chocolate he wants."
  The Energizer Bunny had no comment, but his agent remarked that
"As long as Everyready keeps paying, those commercials will keep
going and going."
  At press conference later today, representatives from General Mills 
made an offer to settle out of court which consisted of 900 boxes of 
Trix cereal, but this was reportedly turned down.  The Trix Rabbit 
himself is quoted as saying, "Let them keep their @#!% cereal! They 
can give it to those stupid kids for all I care.  I want some cold 
hard cash."


Where Are They Now?

  Died of venereal disease after visiting multiple prostitutes 
because Minnie said "No" for 50 years.

  Served as a main course at Epcot's China Pavilion.

  Caught by dogcatchers, put to sleep after he was never claimed.

  Assassinated during first term as President of the United States.

  Died in extreme poverty after being audited by the IRS.

  Involved in an underground child pornography ring.

  Extracted from Richard Gere's colon.

  Fell for the "apple trick" again.

  'nuff said.

  Died of pneumonia with Jim Henson.

  Executed after gunning down 15 people in a local McDonalds.

  Killed by insane gunman at a local McDonalds.

  Was sued for malpractice, lived the rest of his life living under
bridges and eating out of used cat food cans.

  Never woke up.

  Now a stripper with the Chippendales.

  Shot down over Iraqui airspace.

  Male prostitute, died of a heroin overdose.

  Had a heart attack caused by a cholesterol level of 570.

  Gunned down in a mafia hit.

  Died of an aneurism while watching over his garden.

  Committed suicide.

  smothered to death by Kanga.

  put to death by the state.
  Accidentally bounced off the edge of a cliff.

  Christopher Robin's lover, committed suicide in despair.

  Caught by some kid who forgot to punch holes in the lid.

  Sucked into the engine of a 747.

  Died after impacting with a windshield at high speed.

  Shot by NRA member with an AK-47. His body was never found.

  Institutionalized for life.

  Died of mercury poisoning.

  Drowned in a teapot.

  Guillotined during the revolution.

  Died of excessive weight loss at a fat farm.

  Just faded away

  His shell was used in a pair of sunnies

  Stuck his beak where it wasn't wanted, guillotined with the
Queen of Hearts.

  Started a movement against ivory hunting

  Nailed himself to a cabinet

  Used some moisturiser and got rid of that nasty sunburn

  Had multiple personalities, he was also the Dark Knight who 
wore black instead of white

  Is now a very comfortable Ottoman.

  Slept until 1986, contracted AIDS from "Prince Charming".

  Is now decorating the floor in front of a fireplace.

  Died from wiping his butt with the wrong hand.

  Was caught stealing one too many times, is now being traded
nightly at Leavenworth for a pack of menthols.

  Became a pyrotechnics show one too many times.

  Became the new leader of the forty thieves after 
finishing off Ali.

  Got a stitch mid-flight over the Mediterranian.

  Fell off carpet over the ocean. Jasmine took over.

  Hanged for treason.

  Was befooted in the Aladdin-Ali fight, the hand was sold 
on the black market.

The Grinch
  Changed his name to Gingrich and became Speaker of the House.

Frosty the Snowman. 
  Became Frosty the Snowwoman after he had his snowballs removed.

Captain Crunch
  Was demoted to Sargeant Crunch due to a decline in sales.

Charlie Brown
  Was fired as a spokesman for Rogaine after he discovered the 
stuff didn't work for him.

Snow White
  Fired by the head of DisneyWorld after she said she was 
feeling Bashful.

  killed by stepsisters and stepmother in a jealous rage.
  sold to the Ringling Bros. Circus, were eaten by lions.
  someone pulled the plug out by accident.

  had a leak in his spacesuit.

  backup singer for Guns 'N Roses.

  caught by Mrs. Paul's Inc.

  Ten years ago, the Muppets disappeared off of the face of 
Hollywood. After a series of intense investigations, some
very startling and disturbing information was discovered.

Kermit D. Frog - He now has an exercise video that he 
advertises on late night television right after Jojo's
Psychic bullshit. He is competing with the crazy
bitch with no hair and the steroid monkey with the

Gonzo - He fried his brains on cocaine laced with
rancid relish found under Scooter's bed.

Gonzo's Chickens - They now work as Playboy
bunnies at the Hefner mansion.

Miss Piggy - Having lived an extravagant life, she
was broke and destitute, so she had to resort to
prostitution to support her drug habit and
illegitimate half-pig half-frog son.

Scooter - After many years as the Muppet show's
drug pusher, he finally made it big as a major
international drug smuggler, residing in Le Paz,
Bolivia. He now frequents the likes of Hugh Hefner
and Bob Guccionne.

Sam the Eagle - He was brutally murdered in cold
blood on stage by a poacher.

The Old Geezers - Waldorf bludgeoned his partner
to death with his wooden chair out of sheer
frustration. For this, he was convicted of murder and
fried in the electric chair by judge Ito.

Little Robin - He suffered a tragic death, he was the
unfortunate victim of a drive-by shooting in the LA.
riots. His skin tone was apparently mistaken for the
colours of a rival gang.

The Crew of Pigs in Space - They were all
mechanically separated. You may now find them in
tins of SPAM on the shelves of your local

Animal - Despite his rambunctious image, Animal
managed a well-stocked portfolio or blue chip
stocks. He obtained a hefty on certain high risk/high
gain venture. He may be seen on occasion dining
with Donald Trump at The Russian Tea Room in
New York.

Fozzy Bear - He was forcibly ejected from the Betty
Ford Clinic For a severe addiction to polish pickles
and deflowering young goats by sodomy.

Beeker - After many years of suffering and many,
many tubes of Preparation-H, everybody's favourite
lab rat, assisted by Professor Honeydew and a large
stick, finally died of chronic, infected, bleeding

Swedish Chef - after having mechanically separated
the entire crew of Pigs in Space on the orders of Miss
Piggy, the Swedish Chef, being an illegal alien, was
deported back to Sweden. In his defence, and we
quote, "Bork, Bork, Bork."

Ralph the Dog - After years of rumours and denial,
on his death bed at the AIDS clinic, Ralph the Dog
came out of the closet and admitted to that he was
Jim Henson's secret gay lover.

The Sax Player - He left the Muppet Show's band to
join a religious cult that worships Fabio.

The Zucchini Brothers - They had the misfortune of
being in their canon while it was being requisitioned
by the US. army for Operation: Desert Storm. They
were last seen flying over Iraq.

Professor Bunsen Honeydew - After having
successfully completing an experiment, in total
disbelief, feeling that he has lost his touch, he
committed suicide by Bunga-Bunga.

  In order to cut expenses in general, the three little 
pigs are in discussions with management. The feeling is 
that a whole house is wasted space for three pigs, 
especially three *little* pigs. The house may be converted 
to condos, with accommodations opened up to various princes
and princesses whose permanent addresses are in some doubt 
at the moment.
  The Old Woman Who Lived in A Shoe has been called in for 
consultation, because although some have cited her for 
overcrowding, others have praised her efficient use of space 
and her ability to house so many children in unconventional 
spaces, an important talent in an age when space is at a 
  The activities of the Pied Piper of Hamelin, likewise,
will definitely have to be curtailed. Although his removal 
of children from some towns has lightened the financial 
burden from those towns, lessening the taxes levied, etc.,
for those particular towns, other towns, to which the
children have been lead, have had to take up the slack, 
with serious challenges to the community coffers. Officials 
are considering cutting back on the official and paid hours 
of the Piper, in order to reduce the numbers of children 
walked to new communities. Although busing has been 
suggested to cut down on the cost, time/profit studies have 
shown that walking, even for some hours, is still more 
cost-effective than busing, especially when one includes 
the costs of gas, tires, etc.
  Although this is an unfortunate time of year for such an 
announcement, the Heavenly Choir has also been asked to cut 
down on practice time because of the escalating costs of 
rehearsal hall rentals. Further, the Choir may be reduced 
to a group, or a trio, except for major presentations. The 
size of the Choir was found to be greater than the audience 
many times in these days, so this should make the whole 
concert cycle more manageable.
  Wee Willie Winkle, by the way, has been in therapy for a 
while now, and we are pleased to announce that the extra 
police force which has been necessary to monitor his nightly 
sorties, can now be disbanded - at a further savings to the 
community, and the relief of many parents. 
  Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary, has also been asked not to 
grow any more pretty maids in her rows. It was really 
tearing the neighborhood down and giving a bad impression 
to tourists. Mary has volunteered to add pretty boys to the 
row, to add balance, in order to save her row and end the 
whispers of sexism which have been heard, and her suggestion 
is under consideration. Any pretty boys are invited to 
  The recipe for Blackbird Pies has also been reevaluated, 
and the revised ingredients  call for only 2 blackbirds per 
pie. The other 22 birds will be replaced by carrots, wild 
Mexican yams, and peas. This is indeed a much more 
ecologically aware pie, as well as taking into account 
current attitudes towards animal rights, and enlightened 
dietary information. It is obviously a cheaper product to 
bring to market. The vegetarian version will use tofu in 
place of the birds, hardly noticeable among the vegetables.
  We also wish to announce that this year's performance of 
Fantasia will use fewer Sugar Plum Fairies, and substitute 
any kind of fairy for the sugar plum variety. The Hippos 
dancing in their tutus will instead be costumed in oneones 
to save on wardrobe costs, and their number cut back 
somewhat. Indeed, instead of hippos, the dance company has 
intimated they may substitute frogs, known widely for their 
natural leaping ability. We will keep you informed of any 
further developments.


Anaheim, CA (AP)  A young woman known only as "Beauty" caught 
an extremely rare disease this morning when she accidentally 
brushed the needle of a spinning wheel as her family wished 
her a happy 16th birthday. The disease, so rare that it has 
no formal name, promptly rendered Beauty unconscious. Her 
stepmother, known by many to dislike Beauty, stated only,
"That is what she gets for being too pretty." 
  Being members of a rather unusual faith healing religion, 
Beauty's family laid her comatose body in a tower of the 
family castle.
  Lawyers for the family state that they intend to file suit 
against the manufacturer of the spinning wheel for failing to 
put a warning label on their product.  The Occupational Safety 
and Health Agency (OSHA) has begun a nationwide investigation 
into the potential hazard to thread and yarn manufacturers.
  Members of the National Organization for Womyn have set up a 
protest outside Sleeping Beauty's castle against what they say 
is a plot by males to enslave women.

How the 7 Dwarfs got their names

Miss Snow White was a randy cow
And desperate for a fuck,
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck.

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarves came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven,
Originally wanting one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"

So down he went onto all fours,
And said "I ain't licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
Unless you're a fucking queer"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "High-Ho".
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax" you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fuckin load.

The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left, she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner had he entered her,
he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her fanny raw,
A dazed Snow White then whimpered.
"That should be against the law."

He made poor Snow White tremble,
he was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big prick"

With one dwarf still remaining,
but feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can't take no more!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that spadge inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarves,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying Miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you're drinking,
When you next buy 7-Up!


  Did you hear about Disney's remake of its famous classic,
"Snow White and the Seven Dwarves"?  They intend to keep as 
close to the original fairytale and film as possible.
  But of course, Dopey had to go.  They thought of renaming 
him to "Intellectually Challenged" but the marketing 
department threw the idea out.  
  Doc as the one dwarf with all the intelligence was definitely 
out!  They didn't even try to salvage anything there.  
  Bashful, speaking through a press agent, didn't allow his 
name and features to be used as he didn't like the publicity.
  Similar fates befell Sneezy, Sleepy and Grumpy.  Disney 
decided to go out on a limb and keep Happy.  They still think 
it is politically correct to portray someone who is in good 
  The wicked stepmother?  You must be joking.  Definitely axed.  
Ditto the handsome prince.  I mean really!  Some white guy who 
has no qualifications to his station other than being born the 
son of a king?  Forget it!  Certainly not acceptable in this 
enlightened age!
  The problem with Snow White was a bit more difficult to solve. 
After all, the heroine is rather difficult to cut.  And it does 
show a female who makes it despite adversity.  But the original 
portrayal was so lame.  She was dumb enough to swallow the line 
about the apple.  (And to swallow the apple, for that matter.)  
It was someone tripping over a stone that brought her back to
life, rather than some heroic act on her part.  
  So they rewrote her part a little bit.  She's now a high 
powered lawyer who takes the old hag from the Better Business 
Bureau to the Supreme Court, citing unhygienic food preparation 
and selling apples without a license.  Landmark case.
  And then they realized that they only had one dwarf left and 
that he was living with Snow White in some secluded house in 
the woods...So when it comes out in time for the Christmas 
present market, it will unfortunately have to be rated X.
  But other than that, it is identical to the original!

  Everybody knows the story of The Three Little Pigs. Or at 
least they think they do. But I'll tell you a little secret. 
NOBODY knows the real story because nobody has ever heard MY 
side of the story.
  I am the wolf.  Alexander T. Wolf.  You can call me AL.  
I don't know how this whole BIG BAD WOLF thing got started 
but, it's ALL WRONG!!!!
  Maybe it's because of our diets. Hey, it's not my fault 
wolves eat cute little animals like bunnies, sheep and pigs. 
That's just the way we are. If cheeseburgers were cute, folks 
would probably think you were BIG AND BAD too!  But, like I 
was saying this whole Big Bad Wolf stuff is ALL WRONG.
  The real story was just about a sneeze and a cup of sugar.
That's all, I PROMISE!


  Way back, ONCE UPON A TIME LIKE, I was being the kind soul 
that I am and making a birthday cake for my dear old granny. 
I had a TERRIBLE SNEEZING COLD. I was in the middle of making 
the cake and ran out of sugar. Figures!!!! So here I am out
the door and down the street to ask my neighbor for a cup of 
sugar. Now it would figure, this neighbor of mine was a pig. 
Darn luck of mine. And he really wasn't too bright either.
  He had built his house out of straw. Can you believe it?  
I mean who in his right mind would build a house of straw?  
So of course the minute I knocked on the door the thing fell
right in. Now being of sound mind and manners I didn't want 
to just walk in to someone else's house.  So I called out, 
"Little Pig, Little Pig, ARE YOU IN?"
  No answer.
  I was just about to give up and go home without the cup 
of sugar for my dear old granny's birthday cake. Then my 
nose started to run and itch. I felt a sneeze coming on. 
Well I huffed, and I puffed and OH if I didn't sneeze one 
heck of a sneeze. And you know what?  That whole straw house 
fell down. And right in the middle of the pile of straw was
the First Little Pig - DEAD as a doornail. The little guy had 
been home the whole time. You know it seemed like a shame to 
leave a perfectly good ham dinner lying there in the straw. 
So I ate up. Just think of it as a big cheeseburger lying 
  I was feeling a little better but I still didn't have 
my cup of sugar. So I went  to the next neighbor's house. 
Figures! This neighbor was the First Little Pigs brother. 
He was a little smarter but, not much. He had built his 
house of sticks. I rang the doorbell on the stick
  MAN!  Nobody answered.
  So I called out, "Mr. Pig, Mr. Pig, ARE YOU IN?" And the 
He yelled back, "Go away wolf! You can't come in. I'm shaving 
the hairs on my chinny chin chin!"
  I had just let go of the doorknob when I felt another sneeze 
coming on. Darn COLD!  I huffed, I puffed and I tried to cover 
my mouth, but I sneezed a great sneeze. And you are not going 
to believe this, but this guy's house fell down just like his 
dumb brother's did. When the dust cleared, there was the Second 
Little Pig---DEAD as a doornail.  ~WOLF'S HONOR~  Now you
know food will spoil if you just leave it out in the open. So 
I did the only thing there was to do. I had dinner again. Just 
think of it as a second helping.
  I was getting pretty darn full. But my cold was feeling 
better, and I still didn't have that cup of sugar for my dear 
old granny's birthday cake. So I went to the next house. SHEESH!!
This guy was the First and Second Little Pigs' brother. He must 
have been the Harvard graduate. He had built his house of bricks. 
I knocked on the door to the brick house, BIG MOTHER OF A HOUSE 
  No answer.
  I called out, "Mr. Pig, Mr. Pig, ARE YOU IN?"  And do you know 
what the rude little porker answered?  "Get out of here WOLF AND 
had a whole sackful of sugar too, and wouldn't give me even one 
little cup for my dear old sweet granny's birthday cake.
  I was just about to go home and maybe make a nice birthday card 
instead of a cake, when I felt my cold coming on again. SHEESH!!! 
I huffed!!!  And I puffed!!! And I sneezed once again.
  The the Third Little Pig yelled, "And your dear old granny can 
kiss my behind!" Now I am usually a pretty calm dude. But when 
someone talks about my dear old granny like that, I get a little 
NUTSO!  When the cops drove up, of course I was trying to break 
down the pig's door. The whole time I was huffing and puffing and 
sneezing and making a real scene.
  The news reporters found out about the two pigs I had for dinner.
They figured a sick guy going to borrow a cup of sugar didn't sound
too exciting. So they jazzed up the story with all of that stuff of
BAD mean WOLF.
  That's it. The real story. I WAS FRAMED!

  With the bounty on the arsonist's head raised to a whopping
quarter of a million dollars, someone has stepped forward who
was a witness to how the fires were set:
  "I was chasing him down the highway, as I always do, when 
all of the sudden, he takes off, leaving a line of fire behind 
him...Well, I did try to catch up, but the flames soon consumed 
my fur, and I had to stop."
  A mister Wiley E. Coyote speaks these words with tears in his
eyes, as he views his 3 million dollar home go down in flames.
  "I was just trying to have some fun with him, why did he have
to start all these fires..."
  Strangely enough, Mr. Coyote's fur looks as if it has not 
been singed by fire or soot, even though he went to the hospital 
2 days ago for 3rd degree burns.
  Authorities are currently laying out bird seed traps at every
intersection in hopes of catching the Road Runner, but as of yet,
the Road Runner has gotten out of 200 of these traps.
  For the sake of humanity, lets hope they do...

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