Why does Barbie have purple tits??? GI Joe has Kung Fu grip... Not long ago the manufacturers of the Barbie doll came out with a new style of Barbie that was more realistically proportioned. The doll featured a fuller face, smaller bust, larger waist and wider hips. Today they announced they will also introduce a new Ken doll. The new "Doctor Ken" doll will be in stores next month. Face lift, breast enlargement and liposuction equipment accessories sold separately. Possibilities Abound as Barbie Turns 40 Yes, it's hard to believe, but in 1999 Barbie will turn 40, just in time to greet the new century. And they've been 40 full, rich years. She began as a glamorous airline stewardess when she was introduced at Toy Fair in 1959. She soared into space as an astronaut in 1974, ran for president in 1992, and, in 1997, she bore disability bravely, folding her first-ever bending legs into a wheelchair to become a role model once again for a newly identified market. In every incarnation, nationality, and skin tone, she's perfectly turned out, with accessories galore at her long slender fingertips. She's Everywoman, she's the Cosmo Girl, she has it all. So, what will Mattel think of next as the company meets the challenge of Barbie turning 40? Why fight age? Why not capitalize on it in every way possible? Here are some ideas Mattel might consider for a past 40 Barbie: Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. Flabby Armed Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. Midlife Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do." Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke. Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini rosary beads, a mini bible and a black sequinned nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she has taken a vow of silence. Rabbi Barbie: So, why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rabbi Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, Teflon, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse. Admin Barbie: Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, co-ordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Admin Ken. Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hardworking and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini resume and mini filing cabinet filled with the past five years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat. Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on the ring finger of her left hand). Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day at a Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip and a pack of smokes. Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable, if ugly, sandals. Made from recycled materials. Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood and the ability to perform surgery on her-self in the Outback. Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organising and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet. Homegirl Barbie: Truly a fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewellery, hip-hop accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and says things like "I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men. Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe. Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!" Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, bucket o' fried chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Dreyer's ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a T-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat", and, of course, an appetite. Mobile Home Park Barbie: Comes complete with hair in rollers and pregnant. Accessories include two toddlers. When you pull the string on her back she asks where her gov't support check is. Some Mobile Home Barbies come with surprise Ken or G.I. Joe since they often give her surprise visits when they come into town. Post Menopausal Barbie. Poor Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, she comes with the book, "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self". A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant. In a condescending manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..." Now Barbie comes with GI Joe... (She's been faking it with Ken for years.) The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise. After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins, Malibu tans and synthetic breasts. If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to follow. Some possibilities: Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken. Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and breastpump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie. Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant. Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a horse. America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crime against humanity. Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is, Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie's clothes. My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, and ponies. Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much. Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear. BIKER BITCH BARBIE: Comes complete with a tattoo of a snake on one arm, and one on her butt that says "Kiss This, Ken". Also included are a leather jacket with "Ken's A Sissy" on the back, leather thong pants, and genuine Harley oil for that greasy hair look. Optional accessories: a chopped down Barbie Harley Motorcycle, a Barbie Biker Bar, and a Barbie Tattoo kit. HOOKER BARBIE: This Barbie comes with cheap makeup, black hose and garters, a bikini halter top, and a mini skirt with the butt end cut out of it for that bare-butt look to entice customers. No Barbie Underwear is included. Optional accessories: The Barbie Seedy Motel (with hourly rates) to do business in, and a special edition Hugh Grant doll in a Barbie Car as a replacement for that too-straight Ken. Pull her string and she says "Wanna screw, Hugh?", "Kens ain't men" and "Fifty bucks?! Get real! This is Barbie your talking to here, dude!" WINO BARBIE: She comes with greasy, ratty hair, and spray-on body odor. Bottles of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill, Ripple, and Mad Dog 20/20 in paper sacks are included. Options include the popular Barbie's Dew Drop Inn Bar and a Barbie House with an alley on the back for her to pass out in. Pull her string and she pukes. TRAILER TRASH BARBIE: This Barbie comes with a low cut top with a pack of cigarettes in her bra and short shorts so she can bend over to "tend her flowers" in front of the male neighbors. Accessories include the Barbie Starlight Trailer (comes in both pink and avocado) complete with torn carpet inside, rust stains running down the sides, two broken windows covered with plastic, a storage shed with a door broken off, pink flamingos for the yard, and a flower bed in the hitch. You can also get a 1968 Pontiac Bonneville Barbie Car with no hubcaps, bald tires, and a bad starter. Options: A pregnant Barbie that knows a Ken knocked her up, but isn't sure which Ken did it; and a Deadbeat Dad Ken. REDNECK BARBIE: A 250 lb. Barbie with to-scale measurements of 30-42-58. Comes with a long neck beer in one hand, a cigarette in her mouth and a pack in her rear pocket, both underarm and leg hair, tank top shirt, torn sneakers with no laces, and white socks. Ken has a beer belly, a hunting rifle, Red Man Chew 'baccy, and camouflage underwear. Accessories: the Barbie Starlight Trailer with a Barbie Car up on blocks, two engines lying in the yard, a tree with a chain hoist in it, and a transmission on the kitchen table. Also available: The Barbie Belch and Fart Bar. The Barbie Redneck White Ford Pickup with blue doors, green fenders, red hood, a primered bed, and a tailgate that says CHEVROLET and is held shut with baling wire. Pull her string and she belches. Pull her string again and she says "Darn it Ken! The dog's peeing on the sofa again. Make him go over there by the TV like he's supposed to!" Squeeze her head and she farts. SWINGING BARBIES AND KENS: Two Barbies and Two Kens are featured in this special package offer! One Barbie and one Ken can swing with each other in separate pairs or all four can have an orgy together. Simply mix and match. Accessories: Stick-on anatomically correct parts. Clothes not available. Pull her string and she says "Oh Ken! Do it again!" GAY KEN AND BARBIE: Same as the SWINGING set but Ken swings with Ken and Barbie swings with Barbie. Pull Ken's string and he says "Oh Ken! Do it again!" BALLOONING BARBIE: Her chest size can be increased to any level desired up to 53DDD (to scale). Simply squeeze her head to pump the air and inflate her bust. To deflate simply stick your finger up her butt and press the release valve. Pull her string and she says "My head never runs out of air." DRAG QUEEN BARBIE: This isn't really a Barbie doll. It's just Ken dressed up with Barbie's wig and some of Barbie's clothes. Pull his string and he says "Hey, Barbie and I wear the same size!", "I love Barbie's lace underwear", "I love to play Barbie", and "Marv Albert's my hero." MILITIA BARBIE: Comes with automatic rifle, camouflage clothing, grenade launcher, ammo belts, Swiss army knife and the Barbie Field Makeup Kit. Accessories: The Barbie Armored Personnel Carrier and the Barbie Field Commander Headquarters and the Barbie Bazooka. Pull her string and she says "Oh my! I broke a nail pulling the pin on that grenade," and "Oh no! I broke another nail on that machine gun", and "I smeared my makeup on the obstacle course". No matching Ken with this Barbie because she blew his butt away for stealing her clothes and dressing in drag. THE phenolBARBIEtol: This is the drug dealing Barbie. She comes with the Barbie 7mm AutoMag and cleavage holster (or optional cleavage grenade holders if you would rather have some pineapples between the pumpkins), two suitcases for carrying money and drugs, and two Uzi-toting Ken bodyguards in case a drug deal goes bad. Accessories: Coffins for the competition, 15-round double clips for the Barbie AutoMag, the Barbie Crack House, and a Barbie Car with bullet-proof glass and Uzis under the seat. LORENA BOBBIT BARBIE: This Barbie comes with the Barbie Bloody Bedsheets and the Barbie Ginsu Knife for neutering Ken. Accessories: The Barbie Car for driving around and tossing the Ken Parts (included) out the window. Pull her string and she says "Now that you gotta sit to pee, maybe you'll learn to leave the seat down!!" and "I just threw Ken's best friend out the window!" Pull Ken's string and he says "Now I can sing soprano in the choir." BARBIE'S LETTER TO SANTA Barbie c/o Mattel, Inc. El Segundo, CA 90245 Santa Claus North Pole, North Pole December 23, 1996 Dear Santa: Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1997, Santa: 1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt? 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite! 3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct. 4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct. 5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done. 6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery. 7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec! 8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum. 9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl. 10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it. Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple. Yours truly, Barbie KEN'S Letter To Santa: Dear Santa, I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having GI Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night! Sincerely, Ken GRADUATE SCHOOL BARBIE (TM) Graduate School Barbie comes in two styles! Delusional Master's Barbie (tm) and Ph.D. Masochist Barbie (tm). Every Graduate School Barbie comes with these fun-filled features guaranteed to delight and entertain for hours: * Grad School Barbie comes out of the box with a big grin on her face that turns into a frown after 2 weeks or her first advisor meeting (whichever comes first). * Adorable black circles under her delightfully bloodshot eyes! * Two outfits: a grubby pair of blue jeans with 5-year-old gap T-shirt, and a floppy pair of gray sweatpants with a matching "Go Screw Yourself" T-shirt! * Grad School Barbie talks! Just press the button on her left hand and hear her say such upbeat grad school phrases as, "Yes, Professor, It'll be done by tomorrow" "I'd love to write it all over again" "Why didn't I just get a job, I could have been making $40,000 a year by now if I had just started working with a Bachelor's degree. But noooooo, Mom and Dad wanted a masters degree" and "I wish somebody would drop a bomb on the school so that I'd have an excuse to stop working on this degree that's sucking every last drop of life force out of my withered and degraded excuse for a soul..." (9 V lithium batteries sold separately) * Grad School Barbie is anatomically correct! Experience the exciting changes that come with pursuing a higher education! Removable panels on Barbie's head and torso allow you to watch as her cerebellum fries to a crispy brown, her heart race at 150 beats per minute, and her stomach lining gradually dissolve into nothing! Deluxe Grad School Barbie comes with specially designed eye ducts. Just add water and watch Grad School Barbie burst into tears! Fun for the whole family! Other accessories include: * Grad School Barbie's Fun Fridge (tm). Well stocked with microwave popcorn, Coca-Cola, Healthy Choice Bologna (99% fat free!),and small bottle of Mattel Brand Rum (tm). * Grad School Barbie's Medicine Cabinet ',". Comes in Fabulous Pink and contains Barbie sized bottles of Advil, St. Johns Wort, Zantac, and your choice of three fun anti-anxiety drugs! (Barbie Medicine Cabinet not available without a prescription). * Grad School Barbie's Computer Workstation. Comes with miniature obsolete PC (pink of course), rickety desk, and over a dozen miniature Mountain Dew cans to decorate your workstation (Mountain Dew deposit not included in price, tech support sold separately. Miniature cigarette butts and Oreo packages also available) And Grad School Barbie is not alone! Order now and you'll get two of Barbie's great friends! GRADUATE ADVISOR KEN: Barbie's mentor and advisor in her quest for increased education and decreased self esteem. Grad Advisor Ken (tm) comes with a supply of red pens and a permanent frown. Press the button to hear Grad Advisor Ken deliver such wisdom as: "I need an update on your progress" "I don't think you'll be ready to graduate this spring" and "This is no where near ready for publication." REAL JOB SKIPPER: When Barbie needs to talk, she knows that she can always count on her good friend Real Job Skipper (tm), who got a job after getting her bachelor's degree. Press the button to hear Real Job Skipper say: "Sometimes I wish I went for my masters degree" and "Work is so hard! I had to work a half an hour of overtime!" Real Job Skipper's Work Wardrobe, Savings Account, and New Car sold separately. (WARNING: Do not place Grad Student Barbie and Real Job Skipper too close to each other, as there have been several mysterious cases of children leaving the room and coming back to find Barbie's hands mysteriously fused to Skipper's throat.) |
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