Office Jokes

Office Jokes



  Start with a cage containing five monkeys.  In the cage, hang 
a banana on a string and put a set of stairs under it.  Before 
long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb toward 
the banana.  As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the 
monkeys with cold water.  After a while, another monkey makes 
an attempt with the same result--all the monkeys are sprayed with
cold water.  Pretty soon, when a monkey tries to climb the stairs,
the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
  Now, turn off the cold water.  Remove one monkey from the cage 
and replace it with a new one.  The new monkey sees the banana and
wants to climb the stairs.  To his horror, all of the other monkeys
attack him.  After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he 
tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
  Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it 
with a new one.  The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.  
The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
  Again, replace a third original monkey with a new one.  The new 
one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.  Two of the 
four monkeys that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted
to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating 
of the newest monkey.
  After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, all the 
monkeys that have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.
Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
  Because that's the way it's always been around here.



The TOP TEN things that sound risque at the office, but aren't.

10. I need you to whip it out by 5!
 9. Mind if I use your laptop?
 8. Put it in my box before I leave.
 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
 6. I want it on my desk NOW!
 5. Hmmm...  I think it's out of fluid.
 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
 3. It's an entry-level position.
 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
 1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits back!



AVERAGE PRISON LIFE VS FULL-TIME JOB

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for 
that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open 
all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.



ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK...
12%  Monday
23%  Tuesday
40%  Wednesday
20%  Thursday
 5%  Friday



DAILY EXERCISE FOR THE NONATHLETIC

 Proper weight control and physical fitness cannot be attained 
by mere dieting alone. Many people who are engaged in sedentary 
occupations do not realize that calories can be burned by the 
hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require 
physical exercise. Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities 
and the number of calories  consumed per hour.

 Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
 Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
 Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
 Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
 Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
 Throwing your weight around
    (depending on your weight). . . .50-300
 Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
 Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
 Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
 Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
 Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
 Bending over backwards . . . . . . . .  75
 Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
 Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
 Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
 Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
 Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
 Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
 Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
 Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
 Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12

 To which you may want to add your own favorite 
activities, including:

 Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
 Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
 Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
 Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
 Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350




GENERATION X AND THEIR OFFICE LINGO

404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located
-- Don't bother asking him, he's 404.

Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file.  Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems at hand, and
usually burn up before impact.

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an
office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's our resident alpha geek."

Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers
go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms,
goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed and who was responsible

Blowing One's Buffer - Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the
person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has
just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Man!
 You just blew my buffer!"

Body Nazis - hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look
down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively

Bookmark - To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor
borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool 
demo at TECHEXPO' 97."

Career-Limiting Move (CLM) - Used among microserfs to describe an
ill-advised activity.  Trashing your boss while he or she is within
earshot is a serious CLM.

CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills
and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chip Jewelry - A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or
turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE,
and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."
Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the
employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands

Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles

Dead Tree Edition -  The paper version of a publication available in both
paper and electronic form, as in: "The dead tree edition of the Washington
Post..."

Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the
experiences of Dilbert. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised
the specs for the fourth time this week."

Dorito Syndrome - Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by
addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six
hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
 
Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on,
looking for references to one's own name

Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity -- Barney the
dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993.


Feature - From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature."  Used
sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you'd hope your
friend/customer would view in a more positive light.

Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular
pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that
half the room was glazing by the second session?"

Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's
processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep
across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours,
thanks to that CAD rendering."

Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators
running

Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt, finger goo, and lunch
particles found between the keys on computer keyboards.  "Is there any
other terminal I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."

Link Rot -  The process by which links on a web page become as obsolete
as the sites they're connected to.

Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato
(my favorite !!!!)

Nyetscape - Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.

Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
you've just made a big mistake

PJ-Collar Workers - People who work at home or tele-commute.

Plug-and-Play - A new hire who doesn't need any training. " Bobby, the
new guy, is great.  He's totally plug-and-play."

Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's
heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on

SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage

Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny

Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation
from their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the
rest were tourists."

Uninstalled - euphemism for being fired

Xerox subsidy - euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a
workplace




The Corporate Animal Spirit Calendar

Were you born in the Year of the Ass?  Consult the Animal Calendar 
to find out!

 Year of the Cock: Those born in this year tend to be the most
aggressively abusive denizens of he office.  Their evil crowing is
ubiquitous, and they tend to regard all others as born in the year of
the hen, and often become partners in law offices.  Watch out for the
ones born on the cusp of the Year of the Ass! 
 
 The Year of the Maggot: These specimens usually become the bitterest
of bitter clerks, often degenerating into paralegals in the terminal
stages.  The maggot yearns to rise up and cast down his masters, yet
he knows he never will.

 Year of the Sheep: Prime exponents of the herd mentality.  See them
demonstrate loyalty.  See them worship the corporate ethic.  See them
get laid off!

  Year of the Weasel: These are the were-rodents.  They're stroking
you with one hand and stabbing you in the back with the other.  Those
who lack the ethics for child molesting often go into human resources.

  Year of the Cockroach: The geek of the corporate world.  His
self-esteem is so non-existent that he finds the most humiliating
abuse elevating.  It takes all kinds to fill out the circle of life,
so go ahead and crap all over him.  It's your cosmic duty.

  Year of the Hen: Another creature that finds the meaning of life in
denigration, except this one is often overpaid and still enjoys
stomping the few available lower forms of life, such as the cockroach.
For details, see dictionary under *legal secretary.*

  Year of the Snake: Always eager to feast on the still-twitching
corpse of a co-worker, the Snake attempts to slither over the remains
of other middle managers into positions of real power but is often
mashed to jelly by Asses and Cocks.

  Year of Dung Beetle: This miserable creature actually enjoys and
takes pride in meaningless, rote tasks--the only things he can do
right.  He often rants about powerful spreadsheet and databases
programs, but carries an enormous day planner/address book with no
entries in it.  

  Year of the Squid: The multi-talented but oily-textured Squid is
usually found in engineering programming areas.  The squid's numerous
limbs allow him to accomplish many tasks while still reserving one 
arm to jerk off with.

  Year of the Ass: True to his name, this one usually gravitates
towards sales, politics, and other forms of aggressive parasitism.
The braying of the ass fills the halls of power, yet many of this
species never go farther than the corner liquor store.  The blade 
of Karma is razor sharp.

    Year of the Sea Cucumber Blenny.  In nature, this small fish
establishes a symbiosis by living in the anus of the sea cucumber.  
In the business world, the blenny is usually an executive assistant,
maintaining an affinity for the far reaches of the Ass.
  
  Which year are you?  Cock: years ending in 0, i.e. 1960.  Maggot:1. 
Sheep: 2.  Weasel:3. Cockroach:4.   Hen:5.   Snake:6.     Dung
Beetle:7    Squid:8     Ass: 9.  Blenny: Leap Year.



 CREATION
 
 In the beginning was the Plan.
 And then came the Assumptions.
 And the Assumptions were without form.
 And the Plan was without substance.
 And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
 And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
  and it stinks."
 And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and  said, "It is a 
  pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
 And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying "It is a
  container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none
  may abide by it."
 And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying "It is a
  vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength."
 And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another,
  "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
 And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them,
  "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
 And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
  "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the 
  company with powerful effects"
 And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
 And the Plan became Policy.
 And that is how shit happens.
 


 DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK (only slightly edited)
     
 If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
     
 A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
     
 Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
     
 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've 
 done and what you're going to do.
     
 After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the 
 month than you did before.
     
 The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
     
 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
     
 Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse 
 will happen to you the rest of the day.
     
 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never 
 talking about themselves..
     
 If at first you don't succeed, try again. 
 Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
     
 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when 
 the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
     
 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
     
 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
     
 Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a dinner hour.
     
 To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
     
 Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is 
 supposed to be doing.
     
 Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
     
 If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. 
 If you are really good, you will get out of it.
     
 You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
     
 People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
     
 If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
     
 At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the 
 number of pens that person is carrying.
     
 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
     
 Following the rules will not get the job done.
     
 Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
     
 When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily 
 by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
     
 No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
     
 The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for 
 everything that goes wrong.



  "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one 
of his younger employees.
  "Yes, Sir."
  "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss 
went on. "About an hour after you left yesterday to go to 
your grandfather's funeral, he stopped in to see you."



Top Ten Signs You're Suffering From Burn Out:

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell".
 9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately 
    scream, "Get off my back!"
 8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
 7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep 
    because you just don't care.
 6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
 5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
 4. You sleep more at work than at home.
 3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.
 2. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.
 1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail
    right now.



  Harry walks into his supervisor's office.  "Boss," he says, "we're 
doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs 
me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
  "We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you
the day off."
  "Thanks, boss," says Harry, "I knew I could count on you!"



You know it was your last day at your job when...

1. You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?"
you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox and gave
her your mail.

2. As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and 
say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn!" 
Your boss is standing behind you.  It's his wife.

3. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some 
confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the 
keyboard. It shorts out.

4. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled 
*this* week as vacation, not last week.

5. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how 
was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"

6. You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. 
Your underwear is missing. You're in jail. Last night was the company 
party.



A LITTLE OFFICE PRAYER

Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage
To change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom
To hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And help me to be careful
Of the toes I step on today,
As they may be connected to the ass
That I might have to kiss tomorrow.



Top 10 Rejected Suggestions From the Latest Employee Survey Where I Work.
(A Minnesota based Mining and Manufacturing Firm) 
by steve.longlad@odyssey.on.ca

1)  Cubicle Cots.        

2)  Better Video Games than Solitaire and Minesweeper.

3)  Raises.

4)  Domed Stadium for Anniversary Park.

5)  Office Beer Fridges.

6)  Kick the Boss in the Ass Day.

7)  Valet Parking in Winter. (Be sure to scrape the ice
    off my windows please)

8)  Clothing Optional Fridays.

9)  Optional Fridays.

10) Liquor License for the Cafeteria.



  This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, 
Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and 
everyone was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would 
do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
  Somebody was angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. 
Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realised that 
Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up Everybody blamed Somebody 
when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.




THE MODERN LITTLE RED HEN

  Once upon a time, there was a little red hen who scratched about
the barnyard until she uncovered some grains of wheat.  She called 
her neighbors and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread 
to eat. Who will help me plant it?"
  "Not I," said the cow.
  "Not I," said the duck.
  "Not I," said the pig.
  "Not I," said the goose.
  "Then I will," said the little red hen.
  And she did. The wheat grew tall and ripened into golden grain.
  "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.
  "Not I," said the duck.
  "Out of my classification," said the pig.
  "I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.
  "I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.
  "Then I will," said the little red hen, and she did.
  At last it came time to bake the bread.
  "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.
  "That would be overtime for me," said the cow.
  "I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.
  "I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.
  "If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said
the goose.
  "Then I will," said the little red hen.
  She baked five loaves and held them up for her neighbors to see.
They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share.  But the little 
red hen said, "No, I can eat the five loaves."
  "Excess profits!" cried the cow.
  "Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck.
  "I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose.
  And the pig just grunted. And they painted "unfair" picket
signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting
obscenities.
  When the government agent came, he said to the little red hen,
"You must not be greedy."
  "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.
  "Exactly," said the agent.  "That is the wonderful free
enterprise system.  Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much 
as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the 
productive workers must divide their product with the idle."
  And they lived happily ever after, including the little red
hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful.  I am grateful."
  But her neighbors wondered why she never again baked any more
bread.


Define: Expert.
An out-of-town expert with slides.


What's a consultant?
A guy who knows thirty five ways to fuck and can't get a date.



  Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was 
always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to 
fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his 
doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went 
to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. 
He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
  "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
  "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?" 



  Heres a small piece of advice for office Managers.
If you keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom 
drawer, then you'll get a great view of the womens butts when 
they get one out!



This company doesnt' need an exercise program:
we get fit by....
Running down the Boss
Pushing paper
Jumping to conclusions
Climbing the corporate ladder
Dodging assignments



  Man stands in his doorway in full fishing gear. Man stands 
opposite in business attire.
Man 2: I know you're in bed with the flu, John, but I need 
the key to the file cabinet.



I've used up all my sick days, so today I'm calling in dead!


It's hard to fly with eagles when you soar with turkeys!



  It's not my job to drive the train, the whistle I can't blow. 
It's not my job to say how far the train's allowed to go. 
It's not my place to blow the horn, nor even clang the bell. 
But let the damn thing jump the track and SEE WHO CATCHES HELL!!



We're going to keep having these meetings until we find out why 
nothing is getting done.



  Tired of getting rejected for jobs time and time again? 
Try this little theory with a company of your choice.

'Today's Date'

Dear Mr. Kennelly:

  Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration, 
I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to 
offer me  mployment with your firm. This year I have been particularly 
fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. 
With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible 
for me to accept all refusals.
  Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience 
in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with 
my needs at this time.
  Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately 
following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

  Best of luck in rejecting future candidates,

  Sincerely,
  
  'Your Name Here'



What if _____ made toasters?

If IBM made a toaster, it would be big and blue and they would make
just one toaster to which people would submit bread for overnight
toasting. IBM would project an eventual worldwide market of, oh,
maybe five or six of these big blue toasters.

If MICROSOFT made toasters, you would have to buy a toaster every
time you bought a loaf of bread. The new TOASTER '95 would be
overpriced, would take up 95% of your kitchen space, would secretly
interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them and if
you are the rightful owner, and would then falsely claim to be the
very first toaster that lets you control the darkness of your toast.
Everyone would hate MICROSOFT toasters, but would buy them anyway
because most of the good bread will work only with their TOASTER '95.
Additionally, once you have a TOASTER '95, it's nearly impossible to
get rid of it.

If RADIO SHACK made toasters, their sales associates would try 
to sell you the entire store-full, but would be able to tell you 
nothing about any of them...and would get angry if you asked. You 
could also buy the toaster in individually plastic bagged pieces 
for assembly yourself...but you would have to go to at least six
stores for all of the essential pieces.

If POPULAR SCIENCE made toasters, they would be highlighted as a
continuing feature article for several months running and be so
complicated and impractical that only the author would ever think
about making one.  The Government would be petitioned to create an
Incentive Toasting scheme.



  Have you heard about all the mergers going on in the information
technology industry? Here are a few examples of deals in the works 
although they haven't been formally announced yet!

Pitney Bowes may merge with Honeywell Bull to create Pit Bull:  
They'll have the first postal meter that bites unauthorized users.

CheckFree Corp., Inacomp, and Beyond Mail will become Check's InaMail.

Real World Accounting and Virgin Interactive will become Real Active 
Virgin: Recommended by Madonna.

Dell Computer and Farmer's Almanac will become Farmer's in the Dell: 
They'll specialize in computers that can predict crop yields and 
planting times.

Megahertz Corp., My Software, and Fastback will become MyBackHertz: 
Their specialty will be easy to use PCMCIA backup!.

Don't forget the retail clothing merger: 
Casual Corner and Sax Fifth Avenue: Casual Sax

If Delta and Continental airlines merged they could form a new airline
called DENTAL airlines! I can see it now:  Welcome to Dental Airlines,
 don't forget to floss before deplaning!



  "Always remember," said the businessman to his son, "there are two
things that will  ensure your success in business.
  "What are they?' the son asked.
  The businessman said in a loud and powerful voice, "Integrity and
wisdom."
  "Integrity?', the son questioned.
  "That's right. No matter how it may be to your detriment, no matter
what you colleagues or the board may say, always keep your word once
you have given it."
  "And wisdom?" asked the son.
  "Don't be a horse's ass and give it."



  Shopkeeper Smith was alarmed when a new business, much like his
own, opened in the storefront to the left of him.  A huge sign was
installed, reading BEST DEALS.
  Mr. Smith was troubled a second time when another competitor
leased the building on his right, and erected a much larger sign,
reading LOWEST PRICES.
  At this point Smith was really depressed, however, he came
up with an idea.  He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop...
it read MAIN ENTRANCE.


 
THE FIFTY UNDENIABLE TRUTHS OF THE WORKPLACE

1. The lowest managerial priority is customer service, but the highest
priority is persecuting the workers.

2. The only person who can get three days off in a week is the general 
manager.

3. Being promoted to a supervisor is actually a demotion considering the
fact that you just sold your soul.

4. The arrogance level of any given member of management is inversely
proportional to their intelligence quotient.

5. Don't worry about management's stepping in to do workers' jobs during
a strike. They can't run the place with us, so how can they run it
without us?

6. Mandatory overtime is more often than not the fault of poor
scheduling than actual callouts.

7. Don't ever get caught reading anything on the job; the management
want to keep us as clueless as they are.

8. All managers suffer from selective amnesia; they can only remember
Union contract agreements when it benefits their cause.

9. Making sure you get a break is an urgent priority to management.
That's why you get your break at the start of the shift instead of the
middle of the shift.

10. Employees are forbidden to use the office phones to call home. They
are for the personal use of managers only.

11. Ninety-nine percent of all employee requests for days off are
denied; the one percent that are approved are the direct result of
favoritism.

12. The amount of favoritism you receive from management is directly
proportional to the amount of ass you kiss and inversely proportional to
the quality of work you perform.

13. To management; nail polish, earrings, and beards are the greatest
threats to employee job performance.

14. The amount of overtime you will work is inversely proportional to
the amount that management has promised.

15. Management will update existing computer programs with slower, more
inefficient ones.

16. Smoking in the employee restrooms is a capital offense; however,
urinating on the floors is never discouraged.

17. Very few business decisions are ever based on business.

18. All notices posted by management must contain spelling or
grammatical errors that even a second-grader could spot.

19. Whenever management posts a letter of thanks to the workers, the
employees will again be treated like crap within two minutes of the
posting.

20. Ninety percent of all schedule changes are made when the affected
employee is enjoying his/her days off.

21. To management, all things which should be of secondary concern must
be of primary concern; conversely, all things of primary concern must be
of secondary concern.

22. In one's final hour of work, the perceived passage of time must be
no faster than that of the first seven hours of work combined.

23. Al's Axiom: A callout is simply a personal day which cannot be
turned down.

24. Managers are discouraged from showing favoritism to employees, that
is, except for the ones they are dating or f*cking.

25. The Managers' Motto: "Who can we screw today?"

26. The chances that an employee's idea will ever be implemented are
inversely proportional to its ultimate good.

27. A new supervisor who has worked for only two days is always
construed to know more than workers who have worked in the company for
years.

28. As soon as management begins to talk about how to improve employee
morale, the workers instantly know they are about to be screwed.

29. In the workplace, intelligence has almost no practical value
whatsoever.

30. In the workplace, the illogical thing to do is perfectly logical.

31. The number of times you get screwed by management will be directly
proportional to the number of favors you did for them.

32. As soon as a supervisor is promoted to a manager, an inexplicable,
sudden drop of 50 IQ points will occur. 

33. Your chances of getting a day off will be inversely proportional to
the urgency in having that day off.

34. Ninety-nine percent of all the problems that should be blamed on
management will be blamed on the workers.

35. The accountability of the workers is inversely proportional to the
accountability of the supervisors and managers.

36. The workplace runs in spite of management, not because of them.

37. If management accidentally discovers that an employee is smart, more
work will be expected from that employee.

38. Succeeding at the workplace is simply a matter of rising above
everyone else's incompetence.

39. The more a worker gets yelled at by a manager, the more that worker
can take comfort in the fact that they are right.

40. In the workplace, incompetence perpetuates itself.

41. If a rule does not exist that supports the position of management,
they will make one up on the spot.

42. You will never get paid for any overtime or extra hours you work
unless you catch the forthcoming error and report it to the same
management who tried to get away with it in the first place.

43. Whenever a new rule or procedure is implemented, the employees must
be given either no notice or as little notice as possible.

44. Whenever training sessions are held for employees, all the
information given must be obsolete, contradictory, or just outright
false.

45. The greatest possible threat to any given manager is an employee who
is smarter than they are.

46. Whenever management comes out with a so-called "policy," it is
merely an attempt on their part to circumvent a provision in the Union
contract that they don't like.

47. In the workplace, managerial incompetence flows from the top on
down.

48. The only logic that the managers ever use is circular logic.

49. Whenever an employee needs a manager for something, not one of them
will be around. Conversely, whenever an employee does not need a manager
for anything, five of them will be on their ass.

50. Whenever a health or safety inspector finds a violation, management
must make the nearest worker a scapegoat.




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