Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb toward the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result--all the monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when a monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original monkey with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four monkeys that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, all the monkeys that have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that's the way it's always been around here. The TOP TEN things that sound risque at the office, but aren't. 10. I need you to whip it out by 5! 9. Mind if I use your laptop? 8. Put it in my box before I leave. 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag! 6. I want it on my desk NOW! 5. Hmmm... I think it's out of fluid. 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish. 3. It's an entry-level position. 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today? 1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits back! AVERAGE PRISON LIFE VS FULL-TIME JOB In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained. In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers. ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK... 12% Monday 23% Tuesday 40% Wednesday 20% Thursday 5% Friday DAILY EXERCISE FOR THE NONATHLETIC Proper weight control and physical fitness cannot be attained by mere dieting alone. Many people who are engaged in sedentary occupations do not realize that calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories consumed per hour. Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75 Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100 Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150 Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50 Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25 Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). . . .50-300 Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100 Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250 Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500 Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50 Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300 Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75 Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200 Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25 Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350 Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225 Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25 Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750 Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75 Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160 Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12 To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including: Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50 Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300 Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90 Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25 Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350 GENERATION X AND THEIR OFFICE LINGO 404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located -- Don't bother asking him, he's 404. Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems at hand, and usually burn up before impact. Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's our resident alpha geek." Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence. Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible Blowing One's Buffer - Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Man! You just blew my buffer!" Body Nazis - hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively Bookmark - To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at TECHEXPO' 97." Career-Limiting Move (CLM) - Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure. Chip Jewelry - A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry." Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic form, as in: "The dead tree edition of the Washington Post..." Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week." Dorito Syndrome - Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome." Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one's own name Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity -- Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993. Feature - From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you'd hope your friend/customer would view in a more positive light. Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?" Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering." Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators running Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt, finger goo, and lunch particles found between the keys on computer keyboards. "Is there any other terminal I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque." Link Rot - The process by which links on a web page become as obsolete as the sites they're connected to. Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato (my favorite !!!!) Nyetscape - Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser. Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake PJ-Collar Workers - People who work at home or tele-commute. Plug-and-Play - A new hire who doesn't need any training. " Bobby, the new guy, is great. He's totally plug-and-play." Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists." Uninstalled - euphemism for being fired Xerox subsidy - euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a workplace The Corporate Animal Spirit Calendar Were you born in the Year of the Ass? Consult the Animal Calendar to find out! Year of the Cock: Those born in this year tend to be the most aggressively abusive denizens of he office. Their evil crowing is ubiquitous, and they tend to regard all others as born in the year of the hen, and often become partners in law offices. Watch out for the ones born on the cusp of the Year of the Ass! The Year of the Maggot: These specimens usually become the bitterest of bitter clerks, often degenerating into paralegals in the terminal stages. The maggot yearns to rise up and cast down his masters, yet he knows he never will. Year of the Sheep: Prime exponents of the herd mentality. See them demonstrate loyalty. See them worship the corporate ethic. See them get laid off! Year of the Weasel: These are the were-rodents. They're stroking you with one hand and stabbing you in the back with the other. Those who lack the ethics for child molesting often go into human resources. Year of the Cockroach: The geek of the corporate world. His self-esteem is so non-existent that he finds the most humiliating abuse elevating. It takes all kinds to fill out the circle of life, so go ahead and crap all over him. It's your cosmic duty. Year of the Hen: Another creature that finds the meaning of life in denigration, except this one is often overpaid and still enjoys stomping the few available lower forms of life, such as the cockroach. For details, see dictionary under *legal secretary.* Year of the Snake: Always eager to feast on the still-twitching corpse of a co-worker, the Snake attempts to slither over the remains of other middle managers into positions of real power but is often mashed to jelly by Asses and Cocks. Year of Dung Beetle: This miserable creature actually enjoys and takes pride in meaningless, rote tasks--the only things he can do right. He often rants about powerful spreadsheet and databases programs, but carries an enormous day planner/address book with no entries in it. Year of the Squid: The multi-talented but oily-textured Squid is usually found in engineering programming areas. The squid's numerous limbs allow him to accomplish many tasks while still reserving one arm to jerk off with. Year of the Ass: True to his name, this one usually gravitates towards sales, politics, and other forms of aggressive parasitism. The braying of the ass fills the halls of power, yet many of this species never go farther than the corner liquor store. The blade of Karma is razor sharp. Year of the Sea Cucumber Blenny. In nature, this small fish establishes a symbiosis by living in the anus of the sea cucumber. In the business world, the blenny is usually an executive assistant, maintaining an affinity for the far reaches of the Ass. Which year are you? Cock: years ending in 0, i.e. 1960. Maggot:1. Sheep: 2. Weasel:3. Cockroach:4. Hen:5. Snake:6. Dung Beetle:7 Squid:8 Ass: 9. Blenny: Leap Year. CREATION In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks." And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell." And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength." And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong." And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful." And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with powerful effects" And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy. And that is how shit happens. DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK (only slightly edited) If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a dinner hour. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" No matter how much you do, you never do enough. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong. "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his younger employees. "Yes, Sir." "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "About an hour after you left yesterday to go to your grandfather's funeral, he stopped in to see you." Top Ten Signs You're Suffering From Burn Out: 10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell". 9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back!" 8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box. 7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care. 6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee. 5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday. 4. You sleep more at work than at home. 3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase. 2. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago. 1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now. Harry walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Harry, "I knew I could count on you!" You know it was your last day at your job when... 1. You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail. 2. As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn!" Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife. 3. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out. 4. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. 5. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?" 6. You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You're in jail. Last night was the company party. A LITTLE OFFICE PRAYER Grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, The courage To change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom To hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And help me to be careful Of the toes I step on today, As they may be connected to the ass That I might have to kiss tomorrow. Top 10 Rejected Suggestions From the Latest Employee Survey Where I Work. (A Minnesota based Mining and Manufacturing Firm) by [email protected] 1) Cubicle Cots. 2) Better Video Games than Solitaire and Minesweeper. 3) Raises. 4) Domed Stadium for Anniversary Park. 5) Office Beer Fridges. 6) Kick the Boss in the Ass Day. 7) Valet Parking in Winter. (Be sure to scrape the ice off my windows please) 8) Clothing Optional Fridays. 9) Optional Fridays. 10) Liquor License for the Cafeteria. This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and everyone was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody was angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done. THE MODERN LITTLE RED HEN Once upon a time, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered some grains of wheat. She called her neighbors and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?" "Not I," said the cow. "Not I," said the duck. "Not I," said the pig. "Not I," said the goose. "Then I will," said the little red hen. And she did. The wheat grew tall and ripened into golden grain. "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen. "Not I," said the duck. "Out of my classification," said the pig. "I'd lose my seniority," said the cow. "I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose. "Then I will," said the little red hen, and she did. At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen. "That would be overtime for me," said the cow. "I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck. "I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig. "If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose. "Then I will," said the little red hen. She baked five loaves and held them up for her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I can eat the five loaves." "Excess profits!" cried the cow. "Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. "I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. And the pig just grunted. And they painted "unfair" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities. When the government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be greedy." "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen. "Exactly," said the agent. "That is the wonderful free enterprise system. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide their product with the idle." And they lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful. I am grateful." But her neighbors wondered why she never again baked any more bread. Define: Expert. An out-of-town expert with slides. What's a consultant? A guy who knows thirty five ways to fuck and can't get a date. Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?" Heres a small piece of advice for office Managers. If you keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer, then you'll get a great view of the womens butts when they get one out! This company doesnt' need an exercise program: we get fit by.... Running down the Boss Pushing paper Jumping to conclusions Climbing the corporate ladder Dodging assignments Man stands in his doorway in full fishing gear. Man stands opposite in business attire. Man 2: I know you're in bed with the flu, John, but I need the key to the file cabinet. I've used up all my sick days, so today I'm calling in dead! It's hard to fly with eagles when you soar with turkeys! It's not my job to drive the train, the whistle I can't blow. It's not my job to say how far the train's allowed to go. It's not my place to blow the horn, nor even clang the bell. But let the damn thing jump the track and SEE WHO CATCHES HELL!! We're going to keep having these meetings until we find out why nothing is getting done. Tired of getting rejected for jobs time and time again? Try this little theory with a company of your choice. 'Today's Date' Dear Mr. Kennelly: Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me mployment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future candidates, Sincerely, 'Your Name Here' What if _____ made toasters? If IBM made a toaster, it would be big and blue and they would make just one toaster to which people would submit bread for overnight toasting. IBM would project an eventual worldwide market of, oh, maybe five or six of these big blue toasters. If MICROSOFT made toasters, you would have to buy a toaster every time you bought a loaf of bread. The new TOASTER '95 would be overpriced, would take up 95% of your kitchen space, would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them and if you are the rightful owner, and would then falsely claim to be the very first toaster that lets you control the darkness of your toast. Everyone would hate MICROSOFT toasters, but would buy them anyway because most of the good bread will work only with their TOASTER '95. Additionally, once you have a TOASTER '95, it's nearly impossible to get rid of it. If RADIO SHACK made toasters, their sales associates would try to sell you the entire store-full, but would be able to tell you nothing about any of them...and would get angry if you asked. You could also buy the toaster in individually plastic bagged pieces for assembly yourself...but you would have to go to at least six stores for all of the essential pieces. If POPULAR SCIENCE made toasters, they would be highlighted as a continuing feature article for several months running and be so complicated and impractical that only the author would ever think about making one. The Government would be petitioned to create an Incentive Toasting scheme. Have you heard about all the mergers going on in the information technology industry? Here are a few examples of deals in the works although they haven't been formally announced yet! Pitney Bowes may merge with Honeywell Bull to create Pit Bull: They'll have the first postal meter that bites unauthorized users. CheckFree Corp., Inacomp, and Beyond Mail will become Check's InaMail. Real World Accounting and Virgin Interactive will become Real Active Virgin: Recommended by Madonna. Dell Computer and Farmer's Almanac will become Farmer's in the Dell: They'll specialize in computers that can predict crop yields and planting times. Megahertz Corp., My Software, and Fastback will become MyBackHertz: Their specialty will be easy to use PCMCIA backup!. Don't forget the retail clothing merger: Casual Corner and Sax Fifth Avenue: Casual Sax If Delta and Continental airlines merged they could form a new airline called DENTAL airlines! I can see it now: Welcome to Dental Airlines, don't forget to floss before deplaning! "Always remember," said the businessman to his son, "there are two things that will ensure your success in business. "What are they?' the son asked. The businessman said in a loud and powerful voice, "Integrity and wisdom." "Integrity?', the son questioned. "That's right. No matter how it may be to your detriment, no matter what you colleagues or the board may say, always keep your word once you have given it." "And wisdom?" asked the son. "Don't be a horse's ass and give it." Shopkeeper Smith was alarmed when a new business, much like his own, opened in the storefront to the left of him. A huge sign was installed, reading BEST DEALS. Mr. Smith was troubled a second time when another competitor leased the building on his right, and erected a much larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. At this point Smith was really depressed, however, he came up with an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop... it read MAIN ENTRANCE. THE FIFTY UNDENIABLE TRUTHS OF THE WORKPLACE 1. The lowest managerial priority is customer service, but the highest priority is persecuting the workers. 2. The only person who can get three days off in a week is the general manager. 3. Being promoted to a supervisor is actually a demotion considering the fact that you just sold your soul. 4. The arrogance level of any given member of management is inversely proportional to their intelligence quotient. 5. Don't worry about management's stepping in to do workers' jobs during a strike. They can't run the place with us, so how can they run it without us? 6. Mandatory overtime is more often than not the fault of poor scheduling than actual callouts. 7. Don't ever get caught reading anything on the job; the management want to keep us as clueless as they are. 8. All managers suffer from selective amnesia; they can only remember Union contract agreements when it benefits their cause. 9. Making sure you get a break is an urgent priority to management. That's why you get your break at the start of the shift instead of the middle of the shift. 10. Employees are forbidden to use the office phones to call home. They are for the personal use of managers only. 11. Ninety-nine percent of all employee requests for days off are denied; the one percent that are approved are the direct result of favoritism. 12. The amount of favoritism you receive from management is directly proportional to the amount of ass you kiss and inversely proportional to the quality of work you perform. 13. To management; nail polish, earrings, and beards are the greatest threats to employee job performance. 14. The amount of overtime you will work is inversely proportional to the amount that management has promised. 15. Management will update existing computer programs with slower, more inefficient ones. 16. Smoking in the employee restrooms is a capital offense; however, urinating on the floors is never discouraged. 17. Very few business decisions are ever based on business. 18. All notices posted by management must contain spelling or grammatical errors that even a second-grader could spot. 19. Whenever management posts a letter of thanks to the workers, the employees will again be treated like crap within two minutes of the posting. 20. Ninety percent of all schedule changes are made when the affected employee is enjoying his/her days off. 21. To management, all things which should be of secondary concern must be of primary concern; conversely, all things of primary concern must be of secondary concern. 22. In one's final hour of work, the perceived passage of time must be no faster than that of the first seven hours of work combined. 23. Al's Axiom: A callout is simply a personal day which cannot be turned down. 24. Managers are discouraged from showing favoritism to employees, that is, except for the ones they are dating or f*cking. 25. The Managers' Motto: "Who can we screw today?" 26. The chances that an employee's idea will ever be implemented are inversely proportional to its ultimate good. 27. A new supervisor who has worked for only two days is always construed to know more than workers who have worked in the company for years. 28. As soon as management begins to talk about how to improve employee morale, the workers instantly know they are about to be screwed. 29. In the workplace, intelligence has almost no practical value whatsoever. 30. In the workplace, the illogical thing to do is perfectly logical. 31. The number of times you get screwed by management will be directly proportional to the number of favors you did for them. 32. As soon as a supervisor is promoted to a manager, an inexplicable, sudden drop of 50 IQ points will occur. 33. Your chances of getting a day off will be inversely proportional to the urgency in having that day off. 34. Ninety-nine percent of all the problems that should be blamed on management will be blamed on the workers. 35. The accountability of the workers is inversely proportional to the accountability of the supervisors and managers. 36. The workplace runs in spite of management, not because of them. 37. If management accidentally discovers that an employee is smart, more work will be expected from that employee. 38. Succeeding at the workplace is simply a matter of rising above everyone else's incompetence. 39. The more a worker gets yelled at by a manager, the more that worker can take comfort in the fact that they are right. 40. In the workplace, incompetence perpetuates itself. 41. If a rule does not exist that supports the position of management, they will make one up on the spot. 42. You will never get paid for any overtime or extra hours you work unless you catch the forthcoming error and report it to the same management who tried to get away with it in the first place. 43. Whenever a new rule or procedure is implemented, the employees must be given either no notice or as little notice as possible. 44. Whenever training sessions are held for employees, all the information given must be obsolete, contradictory, or just outright false. 45. The greatest possible threat to any given manager is an employee who is smarter than they are. 46. Whenever management comes out with a so-called "policy," it is merely an attempt on their part to circumvent a provision in the Union contract that they don't like. 47. In the workplace, managerial incompetence flows from the top on down. 48. The only logic that the managers ever use is circular logic. 49. Whenever an employee needs a manager for something, not one of them will be around. Conversely, whenever an employee does not need a manager for anything, five of them will be on their ass. 50. Whenever a health or safety inspector finds a violation, management must make the nearest worker a scapegoat. |
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