A man entered a barbershop and asked for a shave. After the shave, the barber said, "That will be a quarter, please." "But," said the man, "Your sign says two bucks for a shave. How come only a quarter?" The barber answered, "Once in a awhile we get a guy that is all mouth and we only charge him twenty-five cents!" A guy goes into barber shop, sits down in the chair and the barber cuts his hair. After he gets done, he gets up and takes out his money, and notices that the barber goes over and pees in the corner of the barber shop. The barber finishes and comes back. As he hands him a twenty-dollar bill, he says, "Listen, it's none of my business, but why would you pee in the corner of your own barber shop?" The barber says, "Hey, my lease is up in two weeks. Do I care?" The barber goes over to the cash register and rings up the haircut. He comes back with his change, and the is standing there crapping on the floor. The barber says, "What the heck are you doing?" He says, "Well, I'm leaving now!" A man comes into a barbershop and says to the barber, "I want my hair just like Michael Jackson." So the barbers says, "ok...no problem" The man sits down and falls a sleep. When he woke up he saw he was completely bald, then he says to the barber, "Hey Michael Jackson doesn't look like this." The barbers answers, "He would if he came here!" I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son. Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four." What is the difference between an angry circus owner, and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman. A really good-looking girl was giving a man a manicure in the barber shop. "How about a date when you finish work?" he asked. "I can't" she replied, "I am married." "So call up you husband and tell him you're going to visit a sick girlfriend," said the man. "Why don't you tell him yourself" said the girl, "he's the one shaving you." A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut. There is a story told of Bishop Healy of Galway once going to the local barber for a shave. Unfortunately the barber was recovering from one of his drunken bouts and nicked the Bishop's face badly. "Oh! This cursed drinking!" exclaimed the Bishop. The barber replied, "Yes, it leaves the skin awful tender." A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is lathering him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." The barber was far from proficient, nicking the customer more than once with his sharp razor. After the shave, the customer asked for some water. "Are you thirsty, buddy?" the barber asked. "No. I just want to see if my face leaks!" One barbershop in town put up a sign attacking the fancy salon down the block. The sign said, "Why pay twenty dollars? We give haircuts for two dollars." The salon got even by putting up a sign of its own stating, "We repair two-dollar haircuts!" A man tells the barber. "Don't put any sweet stuff on me. My wife'll think I've been to a whore house." Another customer in a nearby chair says, "You can put as much as you want on me. My wife has never been to a whore house!" You have to worry about a barber who orders one bottle of hair lotion and two dozen styptic pencils! Almost bald man : Why do u always charge me double? You ought to charge me cheaper for I don't have much hair! Barber : No, no! We don't charge for cutting the hair! we charge for having to search for it! Johnny wanted to look suave for the local dance so he slipped into Taffy Lloyd's barber shop. "I want a Tony Curtis haircut." So Taffy started trimming around the back with the clippers. Then he started going higher and higher with them till Johnny started to get a bit worried. But like most barbers, this one had verbal diarrhoea, and was yapping non stop about movies and movie stars. "Yeah, I like Tony Curtis too," as he trimmed up and over Johnny's ears. "Wasn't he great in 'The King and I'?" A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?" The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome. "ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of mafiosos! You'd be crazy to go to Rome!... So how ya getting there?" "We're taking TWA" the man replies. "TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late!... So where you staying in Rome?" The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot." "That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced!... So whatcha doing when you get there?" The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope." "HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!" A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!" "No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendent who waited on me hand and foot!" "Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described." "No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. Its the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge! "Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!" "Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?" "Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that awful haircut?'" The Top 10 Signs You Need to Change Your Barber Your name: Chewbacca. That pile of swept-up ears in the corner. Favorite tool: Flo-bee. Before cutting your hair, asks if you can join hands and pray together. His barber chair has stirrups. His tools include a level, a pair of needle-nosed pliers and a tube of epoxy. Ask to look like Fabio, come out looking like Forrest Gump. (Insert Dennis Rodman joke here.) Recommends full anesthesia. His last name rhymes with Whizzer-Hands. |
|