Banking Jokes

Banking Jokes

  A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown 
bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller 
that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, 
in excess of $200,000. Further, she said that since such a large 
sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the 
bank to make the necessary arrangements.
  The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in 
fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation
to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman. The teller 
escorted her to the presidents office, and the president invited 
her to have a seat, which she accepted.
  She repeated her request to open an account.
  The president said he would take care of it personally, but his 
curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened 
to come into such a large sum of cash?"
  "Not at all," was her reply. "I bet."
  "You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional 
sports, or in casinos...?"
  "Nothing like that," she said. "I just ... bet. For example, I'll 
bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
  The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to 
back up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she 
promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left.
  As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking 
to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution 
he cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf match and went home
  The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved 
to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. 
He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the 
unexpected windfall that was about to become his.
  The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, 
accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, 
she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along 
when payoffs involving significant sums were involved.
  The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular 
bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming.
  She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering 
the amount at stake.  He deemed it a reasonable request under the
circumstances, so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his 
  She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any abnormalities.
As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in 
the corner, banging his head against the wall.
  He asked the lady, "What's the matter with him?" 
  She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and 
replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before 10 A.M. today I'd 
have the president of the bank by the balls."

  This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, 
"I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
  To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
  "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account
right now."
  "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in 
this bank!"
  The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and 
told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager 
asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
  "There's no damn problem,"  the man said, "I just won 50 million 
in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this
damn bank!"
  "I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a 
hard time?"

  The other day, my friends and I went to this "Strip Club."  One of my 
buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulled out a $10 bill.  The "dancer" 
came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and stuck it on her butt.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the 
girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the 
attention is focused on me.  What could I do to top that? I got out my 
wallet, thought for a minute.....then the banker in me took over.
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks,
and went home.

  According to our inside contacts the Japanese banking crisis shows no 
signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.  Following last
week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank 
has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.
Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office 
staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is 
something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may 
get a raw deal.

  Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. Judy, the first blonde,
plans the robbery and goes over the plan with Buffie, the second blonde,
in great detail.  The robbery begins.  Judy drives up in front of the 
bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure 
you understand the plan.  You are supposed to be in and out of the bank 
in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
  "Perfectly," said Buffie.
  Buffie goes into the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car. One 
minute passes...  two minutes pass...  seven minutes pass...  and Judy 
is really stressing out.  Finally, the bank doors burst open!  And here
comes Buffie.  She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it 
to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car,
the bank doors burst open again and the security guard comes out. The 
guard's pants and underwear are down around his	ankles while he is 
firing his gun.  As the gals are getting away, Judy says, "You are 
such a bird brain!  I thought you understood the plan!"
  Buffie said, "I did... I did exactly what you said!"
  "No, you idiot," said Judy.  "You got it all mixed up. I said tie 
up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!!"

  After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank
robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and
entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge.
  The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached 
a verdict in this case?"
  "Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.
  "Would you please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned
for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and
deliver it to him.
  After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict 
slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman, and instructs 
the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
  "We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery,"
stated the foreman.
  The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of
the "not guilty" verdict, and hug each other as they shout expressions
of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and
asks, "So, what do you think about that?"
  The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look
on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I'm real
confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?

  The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered 
the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to 
disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter.  One 
nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor 
facing upwards.
  "Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her. "This is 
a stick-up, not an office party!"

  "A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is 
shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain."
                      -- Mark Twain

Bank Accounts: 
without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

  A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, 
"I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a 
tried and trusted employee of yours."
 The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried 
as soon as we catch him."

Q. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
A. He knows firsthand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Man:   "I'd go through anything for you."
Golddigger: "Good!  Let's start with your bank account."

  Here's one about the old native American who wanted a loan for $500. 
The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do 
with the money?" 
  "Take jewlery to city and sell it," was the response. 
  "What have you got for collateral?" 
  "Don't know collateral." 
  "Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.
Have you got any vehicles?" 
  "Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup." 
  The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?" 
  "Yes, I have a horse." 
  "How old is it?" 
  "Don't know, has no teeth." 
  Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later 
the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "I'm 
here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his 
loan off.
  "What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" 
  "Put in teepee." 
  "Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked. 
  "Don't know deposit." 
  "You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When 
you want to use it you can withdraw it." 
  The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"

  Standing in line at a bank, I couldn't help but wonder if the fellow 
I overheard requesting a loan had any luck.  His request for a loan was 
to "tied me over until my credit cards are no longer maxed out."

  Bank President to employees: "And when Mr. Bigget's son begins work 
here tomorrow, he'll have no special privileges or authority. I want 
you to treat him as you would anyone who was due to take over full 
ownership of this bank from his Father in a year or two."

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows 
and only four tellers? 

Fashion Police: 
  Donald Andrews, dubbed "the lipstick bandit" for robbing Detroit banks 
in drag, was sentenced to three years in prison. "He was found guilty of 
bank robbery, carrying a concealed weapon and wearing shoes that didn't 
match his purse."

  A rather frugal man asked the bank for a loan of one dollar and was 
told he would have to pay nine percent interest at the end of the year.
For security he offered $60,000. in U.S. bonds.  The banker, foreseeing
a potential depositor, accepted the bonds and gave the man a dollar.
  At the end of the year, he was back with a dollar and nine cents to 
clear up his debt and asked for the return of his bonds.  
  Upon returning the bonds the banker asked, "I don't want to be 
inquisitive, but since you have all those bonds, why did you have 
to borrow a dollar?"
  "Well," said the tightfisted old gent, "I really didn't have to. But 
do you know of any other way I could get the use of a safe-deposit box 
for nine cents a year?"

  A guy drives into town in an expensive car and goes to a bank. He asks 
for a loan of $1000 as he is in town for a week and forgot any cash and 
doesn't have an ATM card.  The bank says "OK, but you have to park your 
Porsche here as collateral".
  He does so, and at the end of the week he hands back the $1000 plus 
interest of $4 for a short term loan plus processing.
  Curious, the banker asks why he didn't just get a wire transfer, and 
the man replies "Where else could I park my car for $4 for a week?"

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