Artist Jokes

Artist Jokes



  A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking 
at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one 
contemporary painting caught her eye.
  "What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, 
"is that?"
  He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed 
to be a mother and her child."
  "Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"


 
  A visitor to Picasso's studio found the artist staring bleakly 
at a painting on the easel. To cheer him up, the visitor blurted 
out, "It's a masterpiece!"
  "No, no, the nose is all wrong. It throws the whole thing out 
of perspective."
  "Then why not change the nose?"
  "I can't find it."



  A young couple Wilier and Kay, were exploring the exhibits at the 
new Paul Getty Museum in Los Angeles one Sunday afternoon, when they
came upon the museum's famous collection of Eighteenth-Century French
Impressionist Art.
  Suddenly Wilbur, unfamiliar as he was with the fine points of the
period, came across a well-known painting which he mistakenly thought
was an example of pointillism. He immediately called his wife over 
and naively exclaimed, ... Kay, Seurat! Seurat!
  She took one bored look at the painting and replied, ... Whatever,
Wilby, Wilby.



  The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction 
he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down 
his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.
  She pushed him away. "Maybe you other models let you kiss them," 
she said.
  "I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.
  "Really," she said, softening. "How many models have there been?"
  "Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase."



  An artist decided to buy a new easel.  He wasn't too sure what 
type to get. At the art shop they offered him two, a big one and 
a small one. He pondered for a while and finally decided on the 
lesser of two easels.


 
  An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest 
in his paintings on display at that time. 
  "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. 
  "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and 
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I 
told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
  "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
  "The guy was your doctor."
 


  There was artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized 
in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece
for several months now. His model showed up and, after exchanging the 
usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.
  He told her not to bother, since he felt pretty bad with a cold he had
been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she 
could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
  The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I 
can do."
  He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in 
the living room exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he 
heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.
  "Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your
clothes off!"



The Least-Loved Norman Rockwell Paintings

 Drug Deal at the 7-11  
 Mom's Visit From The Milkman  
 Throwing Up At The Prom  
 A Visit to Grandpa's Proctologist  
 Kevin's First Militia Haircut  
 Detective Fuhrman Finds Some Evidence  
 Billy Gets To 3rd Base  
 Rover Leaves a Gift Under the Christmas Tree 
 Darius's First L.A.P.D. Beating  
 "Get off my lawn, Damn it!"  
 Nude Descending My Torso  
 "I'll give you something to cry about!"  
 That's Not the Avon Lady, Mrs. Buttafuoco  
 Outhouse Over Easy  
 Mean Old Whore  



  A flaky artist used to dump cans of paint onto a huge canvas lying 
on the floor and then have nude models slither around on it to form
abstract designs.
  "Do you derive special enjoyment from using that particular technique?"
the critic asked him.
  "Not really," the man replied, "but what is a lot of fun is cleaning 
the brushes!"



  The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to 
paint a mural-sized painting of Custer's Last Thought. The artist was 
told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset during the debacle 
at the Little Big Horn.
  Deep in thought, the artist went to his studio. After many false 
starts, he proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after 
many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator. In the 
foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with a single fish 
leaping. Around the fish's head is a halo. In the background, the 
hills and meadows are covered with naked Native American couples 
copulating.
  The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees. In a rage 
he turns to the artist and asks, "what the hell has this got to do 
with Custer's Last Thought?"
  The artist replied, "It's simple; Custer's last thought had to have 
been: Holy Mackerel!  Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"




  Vincent Van Gogh walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, "It's happy hour...what can I get you?"
  Vincent replies, "Give me a rye and lend me your ear."




VAN GOGH'S RELATIVES

The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ...
 ---> U. Gogh

The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white ...
 ---> Hue Gogh

The real obnoxious brother ...
 ---> Please Gogh

The brother who ate prunes ...
 ---> Gotta Gogh

The uncle who worked at a convenience store ...
 ---> Stop N. Gogh

His dizzy aunt ...
 ---> Verti Gogh

His domineering aunt...
 ---> Vira Gogh

The cousin who moved to Illinois ...
 ---> Chica Gogh

His magician uncle ...
 ---> Wherediddy  Gogh

The cousin who lived in Mexico ...
 ---> Amee Gogh

He also had a Filipino relative ...
 ---> Grin Gogh

The nephew that drove a stage coach ...
 ---> Wells Far Gogh

The uncle who was constipated ...
 ---> Cant Gogh

The aunt who loved ballroom dancing ...
 ---> Tan Gogh

His ornithologist uncle ...
 ---> Flamin Gogh

His nephew, the Freudian psychoanalyist ...
 ---> E. Gogh

His cousin who loved tropical fruits ...
 ---> Mang Gogh

And he had an aunt who taught the power of positive thinking ...
 ---> Whey Too Gogh

His bouncy young nephew ...
 ---> Poe Gogh

His Disco-loving sister ...
 ---> Go Gogh

And his niece, who's been traveling the U.S. in a van ...
 ---> Winnie Bay Gogh

His energetic cowboy nephew
 ---> Giddup N Gogh.

His brother who married Florence Smith
 ---> Gogh with the Flo.

His great-grandmother
 ---> Longga Gogh

His nearsighted Scottish detective uncle
 ---> Mr. McGogh

His tentatively intimate kissin' cousin
 ---> Touchin' Gogh

His fashion concious daughter, all dressed up
 ---> N.Noeirta Gogh

 



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