A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?" He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child." "Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?" A visitor to Picasso's studio found the artist staring bleakly at a painting on the easel. To cheer him up, the visitor blurted out, "It's a masterpiece!" "No, no, the nose is all wrong. It throws the whole thing out of perspective." "Then why not change the nose?" "I can't find it." A young couple Wilier and Kay, were exploring the exhibits at the new Paul Getty Museum in Los Angeles one Sunday afternoon, when they came upon the museum's famous collection of Eighteenth-Century French Impressionist Art. Suddenly Wilbur, unfamiliar as he was with the fine points of the period, came across a well-known painting which he mistakenly thought was an example of pointillism. He immediately called his wife over and naively exclaimed, ... Kay, Seurat! Seurat! She took one bored look at the painting and replied, ... Whatever, Wilby, Wilby. The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe you other models let you kiss them," she said. "I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore. "Really," she said, softening. "How many models have there been?" "Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase." An artist decided to buy a new easel. He wasn't too sure what type to get. At the art shop they offered him two, a big one and a small one. He pondered for a while and finally decided on the lesser of two easels. An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor." There was artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. His model showed up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work. He told her not to bother, since he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed. The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!" The Least-Loved Norman Rockwell Paintings Drug Deal at the 7-11 Mom's Visit From The Milkman Throwing Up At The Prom A Visit to Grandpa's Proctologist Kevin's First Militia Haircut Detective Fuhrman Finds Some Evidence Billy Gets To 3rd Base Rover Leaves a Gift Under the Christmas Tree Darius's First L.A.P.D. Beating "Get off my lawn, Damn it!" Nude Descending My Torso "I'll give you something to cry about!" That's Not the Avon Lady, Mrs. Buttafuoco Outhouse Over Easy Mean Old Whore A flaky artist used to dump cans of paint onto a huge canvas lying on the floor and then have nude models slither around on it to form abstract designs. "Do you derive special enjoyment from using that particular technique?" the critic asked him. "Not really," the man replied, "but what is a lot of fun is cleaning the brushes!" The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of Custer's Last Thought. The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset during the debacle at the Little Big Horn. Deep in thought, the artist went to his studio. After many false starts, he proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator. In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fish's head is a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows are covered with naked Native American couples copulating. The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees. In a rage he turns to the artist and asks, "what the hell has this got to do with Custer's Last Thought?" The artist replied, "It's simple; Custer's last thought had to have been: Holy Mackerel! Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" Vincent Van Gogh walks into a bar. The bartender says, "It's happy hour...what can I get you?" Vincent replies, "Give me a rye and lend me your ear." VAN GOGH'S RELATIVES The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ... ---> U. Gogh The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white ... ---> Hue Gogh The real obnoxious brother ... ---> Please Gogh The brother who ate prunes ... ---> Gotta Gogh The uncle who worked at a convenience store ... ---> Stop N. Gogh His dizzy aunt ... ---> Verti Gogh His domineering aunt... ---> Vira Gogh The cousin who moved to Illinois ... ---> Chica Gogh His magician uncle ... ---> Wherediddy Gogh The cousin who lived in Mexico ... ---> Amee Gogh He also had a Filipino relative ... ---> Grin Gogh The nephew that drove a stage coach ... ---> Wells Far Gogh The uncle who was constipated ... ---> Cant Gogh The aunt who loved ballroom dancing ... ---> Tan Gogh His ornithologist uncle ... ---> Flamin Gogh His nephew, the Freudian psychoanalyist ... ---> E. Gogh His cousin who loved tropical fruits ... ---> Mang Gogh And he had an aunt who taught the power of positive thinking ... ---> Whey Too Gogh His bouncy young nephew ... ---> Poe Gogh His Disco-loving sister ... ---> Go Gogh And his niece, who's been traveling the U.S. in a van ... ---> Winnie Bay Gogh His energetic cowboy nephew ---> Giddup N Gogh. His brother who married Florence Smith ---> Gogh with the Flo. His great-grandmother ---> Longga Gogh His nearsighted Scottish detective uncle ---> Mr. McGogh His tentatively intimate kissin' cousin ---> Touchin' Gogh His fashion concious daughter, all dressed up ---> N.Noeirta Gogh |
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