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What did the five-hundred-pound mouse say when it walked into the alley? Here, kitty, kitty, kitty! There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage." The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes." The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses." Why do you have to wrap duct tape around a gerbil? So that it doesn't explode when you sodomize it. What don't gerbils drive?? Heck, they can't even get out of Gere! What did the mother Gerbil tell her offspring? "Now, I don't want you hanging around any assholes." Why do mice have little balls? Because not many of them can dance. What did one lab rat say to the other? "I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack." A Mother mouse and her baby were walking by a cave when a bat flew out. "Look Ma !" said the youngster. "An Angel." What ballet do squirrels like? The Nutcracker. The squirrel's motto: "Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!" Preserve wildlife! Pickle a squirrel! A mother mouse and her three children crept out of their hole into the kitchen and began feasting on some delicious bits of food. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Mother Mouse saw a cat slinking toward them. The cat was between the mice and their hole. The mother mouse puffed up her lungs and went, "Woof! Woof!" The cat turned tail and ran. With that, the mother quickly led her children back to safety in their hole. When they were settled and breathing normally, Mother Mouse said to her children, "Now, what's the lesson from that experience?" "We don't know," the baby mice squeaked. "It is this," said Mom Mouse. "It's good to know a second language." An elderly couple had a parlour in which they kept a couple of food bins. One of those bins contained apples, and the other bin contained nuts. They were having quite a bit of trouble with mice, so one evening before going to bed they set a couple of mouse traps, one by the bin of apples and one by the bin of nuts. During the night they heard a trap snap. The old gentleman got up to see which mouse trap had caught a mouse. On returning to bed his wife asked, "Well did we catch him by the apples?" The old gentleman replied, "Nope, try again." Two mice met behind a toaster in a Wilmington, Delaware household. "It's been a long time," the first said. "How's everything?" "Everything's going great!" the second replied. "I have four brothers in pharmaceutical testing and a sister in heart research." Scientists found out what causes pain in the brain for rats and mice. They think it may have something to do with the metal bar that hits them in the back of the head when they go for the cheese. BOSTON -- Speaking of rats, it was discovered recently that rats laugh. "We have discovered that human are not the only species that can laugh and that has a sense of humor," explained Sidney Ratcliff, General Delivery University scientists. A grant request has been filed with the FDA to determine what the rats are finding so funny. Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. It's still a couple of hours till dark, but one of the bats is hungry, telling the other one, "I'm starving. Let's go and find some blood." Second bat says, "Too early yet. Sun's still up. We'll go blind." "Well, I'm hungry and I ain't waiting. I need some blood. You coming or what?" "Nope, too early." The first bat takes off, zooms outta the cave. A few minutes later he's back, blood smeared all over his face. Second bat says, "Well, I see blood on your face, so I reckon you've been eating. Where did you go?" "See that tree out there?" asks the first bat, pointing at a tree outside the cave. "Yeah. It's pretty bright out, but I can barely make it out." "Well, damned if I could!" One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this." "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!" Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot. The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat." A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in. "Get a load of her," says the mouse, "What a babe!" "Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion. So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her, and within five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night. Next day, the lion is in the bar drinking away, and the mouse staggers in. And I do mean "staggers." The mouse is absolutely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up. The lion helps his pal up on to a stool, pours a drink down his throat and says, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?" The mouse says, "Yeah, she was really something else -- we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a night like it!" "But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion. "Well," says the mouse, "between the kissing her and screwing her, I must have run a thousand miles!" Hamster Power: 42 ways to get electric power from hamsters 1. Stick copper and zinc electrode-needles in opposite ends of hamster. Use in series for higher voltage. 2. Shove them back and forth in Richard Gere's butt. Creates static electricity. 3. Go to Radio Shack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two AAA batteries. 4. Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop it onto a trampoline. 5. Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam turbine. 6. Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal rights activists and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of electric current. 7. Drop hamsters from great heights. Use water-mill like turbine to generate electricity. 8. Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million years, drill for crude oil at same location to run electric turbine. 9. Cold Fusion -> Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary. 10. Any form of neutron capture / beta emission. 11. Convince hamsters they're really lemmings. Show cliff to hamsters. Install turbine halfway down cliff. 12. Densely pack hamsters into flywheel shape. Spin rapidly. Attach generator. 13. Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small portion of generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure center. Watch him generate his little heart out! 14. Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect methane gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells. 15. Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to run a waterwheel for hydroelectric power. 16. Give hamsters lots of shitty beer. Use piss and vomit to run hydroelectric generator. 17. Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles. Heat steam turbine. 18. Switch hamsters for P6 chips coming of Intel assembly lines. Saved electricity will be enormous. Cover performance loss by releasing new version of Windows NT at the same time. 19. Build glass room. Put hamsters inside. Put cocaine inside. Ground the floor and attach negative leads to the ceiling. 20. Have hamster steal one of Kube's magic cards. Leech power from resulting nuclear strike. 21. Teach hamsters to play blackjack. Once they're at the competitive level, convince Las Vegas hotel owners to convert to serving hamsters. Saved electricity from smaller lights, hotels, etc. 22. Accumulate enough hamsters that the self-gravitational force causes the mass to shrink and heat up. Use thermocouples to generate energy. 23. Raid PG&E corporate headquarters. Threaten to drop hamster down CEO's pants unless he gives you a power plant. 24. Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal meth. Attach dog sled. 25. (This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them) Combine the hamster with an equal mass of antimatter - a anti-hamster if you will. Then harness the massive energy release for power.... 26. Have the Emperor warp and twist a hamster clone into an evil Anti-Hamster, Darth Hamster. This should be good for 4-6 sequels. Install tension to electricity converters into theatre. 27. a. Find a _good_ genetic engineer. b. Splice appropriate genes from electric eels into hamsters, because they're smaller and cuter and, well, hamsters. c. Feed the hamsters. d. Surgically install appropriate electrodes. e. Periodically drain off the voltage. Unfortunately, this only gets you DC current. P.S. How could I have been so blind? Splice in genes from blue-green algae as well, and you wouldn't even have to feed the hamsters! (Well, maybe some phosphorous and iron and stuff) 28. Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you power for free. 29. Crossbreed hamster with a Mothra (a giant rodant in India) and use resulting giant mutant lightning-breathing hamster as power source. 30. Give the hamster to Scotty, he'll find some way to yeild 20% more power from the dilithium crystals. 31. Take thousands of hamsters into orbit -- when the orbit decays, they will heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could raise the planets temperature as much as you want. 32. Pull the hamster out of root@soda's ass. Then when they turn red & embarrassed, use the heat from their red face to drive a Carnot engine. 33. Emmass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough mass to begin hamster fusion in the core. Use solar cells to convert radiation to electricity. 34. Throw in more hamsters to 33 (above) until the hamster star goes supernova... you couldn't want any more energy than that... 35. Repeat 34 with another mass of hamsters... spin the resulting neutron-hamsters around each other in a binary orbit... use gravity waves to rotate hydro-turbine. 36. Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that hamsters _are_ electricity. (Well, they've got lots of electrons in them, yes?) Acquire hamsters however you choose; "operationally", you've now got electricity. (I say "five or six hits", because I find that things which were perfectly clear to me after _one_ hit, e.g., that the word "Krups" is actually a make onomatopoeic piece of German slang for an unprintable Viennese practice, make absolutely no sense afterwards; and Leary used to take five hits or so.) 37. Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of coiled wires. 38. Reduce hamster to their component atoms. Compress the resulting plasma until it fuses. Transfer the released energy via heat/engine or energy conversion scheme of your choice. 39. Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert it to anti-matter. Combine the first hamster with the anti-hamster. Harness the resultant massive burst of energy as per #38 above. 40. Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release the radiated energy. 41. It is a well-known result of quantum field theory that all fields are symmetric under the combined action of time-reversal, charge-conjugation and parity-inversion operators: the familiar TCP symmetry. It is trivial to show that time reversal and charge conjugation both take fermions into their anti-particles. Use this to show that plucking hamsters from mirrors will produce beaucoup electromagnetic radiation. (Hint: Do you need to pull the hamsters out of the mirror _going_backwards_in_time_?) 42. Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. He will try to rub his furry coat against glass rod. Drawback: only creates static electricity. A friend of mine has a theory about things electronivc: they operate on smoke. It is very important for each component to have the correct amount of smoke, which is sealed inside at the factory. If this smoke ever gets out, the part is no longer functional. This is true: how many times have you ever seen an electrical or electronic device work right after smoke has been emitted? This bloke walks into his local, looking pale and shaken, and says to the landlord: "Blimey, I need a drink Frank. Give us a pint will you?" "Why, what's the matter?" asks the landlord as he pulls him a pint. "I've just been to the doctor and had to have a mole removed from my penis." he answers. "Christ, did it hurt?" enquires the landlord. "Did it ever? - That's the last time I shag a mole!" |
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