A monkey walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I can't serve you", says the barkeep, "You're out of your tree" Heard about the lady chimpanzee that married a donkey? Her two sisters put her up to it. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers. What do you call a gay monkey? A chimp-pansy Where does a 500 pound gorilla sit? In twenty-three square feet of remaining jungle in a theme park. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead. One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orang-utang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"? "Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother." The Monkey's View Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree Discussing things as they are said to be Said one to the others, "Now listen, you two There's a rumour around that can't be true That man descended from our noble race The very idea is a great disgrace." "No monkey has ever deserted his wife Starved her babies and ruined her life And you've never known a mother monk To leave her babies with others to bunk Or pass from one on to another Till they scarcely know who is their mother." "Here's another thing a monkey won't do Go out at night and get on a stew Or use a gun or club or knife To take some other monkey's life Yes, man descended, the ornery cuss But, brother, he didn't descend from us." A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him, - and thinking that all gorilla's are big dumb animals, and wouldn't know they were being ripped off, says "that'll be $25 please." The gorilla pays the money, and then starts to drink his beer. A minute later making conversation the bartender says, "We don't get many gorillas round these parts." The gorilla replies, "I'm not surprised at those prices.." A father took his children to the zoo. All were looking forward to seeing the monkeys. Unfortunately, it was mating time and, the attendant explained, the monkeys had gone inside their little sanctuary for some togetherness. "Would they come out for some peanuts?" asked the father. "Would you?" responded the attendant. A veterinarian's daughter leaves home to go to an out of state college. After about a month, she writes home to Dad asking that he send her money to purchase a bicycle as it is a very long way between classes in the various buildings on campus. When the check arrives, she walks downtown the local bicycle shop to purchase her new bike. On the way there, she happens to pass a pet store. There, sitting in the window of the pet shop, is the most adorable little monkey that she has ever seen. Her heart goes out to the animal, she reverses course, enters the pet shop and buys the monkey instead. Fearing admonishments from her Father, she neglects to inform him of the actual purpose to which she applied the funds he had dispatched to her. After a few months of enjoying her pet's company and playful antics, she notices that the animal has become rather tired and listless. Finally, one morning she notices that the monkey appears to be genuinely ill and that great globs of its' hair is falling out, leaving bare skin beneath. Her very first instinctual reaction is to phone her father, the veterinarian, and seek his advice about what to do. "Dad," she cries over the telephone, "What should I do? All of the hair is falling off of my monkey!" "If I were you," replied her Father, "I'd sell the bicycle!" A man and his pet monkey walk into a bar, the man orders a drink for him and one for the monkey. Some guys are playing pool behind them... Suddenly, the cue ball shoots off the table, the monkey jumps off of his barstool, grabs the cue ball and eats it. The bartender kicks them out of the bar. A week later they return, they both sit down and the guy orders a drink for him and one for the monkey. The bartender walks over and says "I don't want and funny crap now, one time and you're out for good." The guy says okay, and goes on drinking. Then the monkey sees a bowl of grapes sitting on the end of the bar, he walks over, grabs a grape, and stuffs it up his @$!, pulls it out, then eats it. The bartender says "That's it! I said no funny crap, now you and that monkey get out of here!" The guy says, "Well, allright, but that was legitimate." "You see, ever since he ate that cue ball, he's been measuring things before he eats them to make sure they'll make it all the way through!" A small East Texas Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy any hairy female. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition; would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First", he said. "I don't want to have to kiss her. Second, I want you to provide me with some protection." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Ed,"You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks." This guy was walking through the zoo one day. When he was in front of the gorilla cage he bent down to tie his shoe. He noticed through the corner of his eye that the gorilla had also bent down. Then when he stood back up he saw that the gorilla also stood back up. To see if it was a coincidence, he bent down to tie his other shoe and once again the gorilla bent down. He stood up and the gorilla stood up. After glancing over his shoulder to make sure that nobody else was around, the man jumped up in the air. And you guessed it, the gorilla jumped up. The man was getting a kick out of it. He started making faces at the gorilla and the gorilla would copy everything he did. Finally the man got next to the cage and pulled the lower lid of his right eye down. At this point the gorilla reached through the cage pulled the guy in, threw the guy around the cage, and generally beat the shit out of him, then threw him back out of the cage. After hearing all the commotion, the zookeeper came running over to the man. "What on earth happened?" asked the zookeeper. "I don't know", said the man. "He seemed calm a second ago. I was jumping around and he was jumping around and he was doing every thing I was doing. Then all of sudden after I did this (pulls lower eyelid down) he got all mad and beat the hell out of me." "Well, no wonder!!!" exclaimed the zookeeper. "That," (pulls lower eyelid down) "means F... YOU in gorilla talk!" "Oh," said the man, not quite satisfied. He left the zoo but returned an hour later with a large shopping bag. Again, after making sure that no one was watching, he started jumping around and the gorilla did the same. After a minute or two of this he grabbed the bag and pulled out two butcher knives and threw one of them into the cage. He lifted the other knife over his head at which point the gorilla grabbed his knife and also lifted it over his head. After a minute of cutting the air with his knife and watching the gorilla do likewise the man snuck a large salami out of the bag with his other hand and stuck it between his legs. With a sweeping motion he came down with the knife and whacked off the salami "WHACK!!!" At this, the gorilla simply looked at the man and pulled down his lower eyelid. A guy looks out his window one morning and notices a big gorilla in the tree in his front yard. He calls the animal warden, asking for help. Later that day, a truck pulls up to the house and the warden gets out, carrying a shotgun and leading a vicious-looking dog. The guy greets the warden and asks, "How are you gonna get the ape out of my tree?" The warden replies, "Here's the plan. You hold this shotgun and I'll climb the tree and shake the branches until the ape falls. Then this trained dog here will grab the ape by the balls and drag him into the truck." The guy says, "Okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?" The warden says, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, make sure you shoot that damned dog!" |
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