Monkey Jokes

Monkey Jokes

  A monkey walks into a bar and orders a beer.
  "I can't serve you", says the barkeep, "You're out of your tree"

Heard about the lady chimpanzee that married a donkey?
Her two sisters put her up to it.


Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What do you call a gay monkey?
A chimp-pansy

Where does a 500 pound gorilla sit?
In twenty-three square feet of remaining jungle in a theme park.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.

  One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orang-utang was reading 
two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
   In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?
   "Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my
brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."


The Monkey's View

Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree
Discussing things as they are said to be
Said one to the others, "Now listen, you two
There's a rumour around that can't be true
That man descended from our noble race
The very idea is a great disgrace."

"No monkey has ever deserted his wife
Starved her babies and ruined her life
And you've never known a mother monk
To leave her babies with others to bunk
Or pass from one on to another
Till they scarcely know who is their mother."

"Here's another thing a monkey won't do
Go out at night and get on a stew
Or use a gun or club or knife
To take some other monkey's life
Yes, man descended, the ornery cuss
But, brother, he didn't descend from us."

  A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender 
gives it to him, - and thinking that all gorilla's are big dumb 
animals, and wouldn't know they were being ripped off, says 
"that'll be $25 please."
  The gorilla pays the money, and then starts to drink his beer.
  A minute later making conversation the bartender says, "We don't 
get many gorillas round these parts." 
  The gorilla replies, "I'm not surprised at those prices.."

  A father took his children to the zoo.  All were looking forward 
to seeing the monkeys.  Unfortunately, it was mating time and, the 
attendant explained, the monkeys had gone inside their little 
sanctuary for some togetherness.
  "Would they come out for some peanuts?" asked the father.
  "Would you?" responded the attendant.

  A veterinarian's daughter leaves home to go to an out
of state college.  After about a month, she writes home 
to Dad asking that he send her money to purchase a bicycle 
as it is a very long way between classes in the various 
buildings on campus.
  When the check arrives, she walks downtown the local bicycle 
shop to purchase her new bike.  On the way there, she happens 
to pass a pet store.  There, sitting in the window of the pet 
shop, is the most adorable little monkey that she has ever 
seen.  Her heart goes out to the animal, she reverses course, 
enters the pet shop and buys the monkey instead.
  Fearing admonishments from her Father, she neglects to 
inform him of the actual purpose to which she applied the 
funds he had dispatched to her.
  After a few months of enjoying her pet's company and playful
antics, she notices that the animal has become rather tired 
and listless.
  Finally, one morning she notices that the monkey appears to 
be genuinely ill and that great globs of its' hair is falling 
out, leaving bare skin beneath.
  Her very first instinctual reaction is to phone her father, 
the veterinarian, and seek his advice about what to do.
  "Dad," she cries over the telephone, "What should I do?  
All of the hair is falling off of my monkey!"
  "If I were you," replied her Father, "I'd sell the bicycle!"

  A man and his pet monkey walk into a bar, the man orders a 
drink for him and one for the monkey. Some guys are playing 
pool behind them...
  Suddenly, the cue ball shoots off the table, the monkey 
jumps off of his barstool, grabs the cue ball and eats it. 
  The bartender kicks them out of the bar.
  A week later they return, they both sit down and the guy 
orders a drink for him and one for the monkey.
  The bartender walks over and says "I don't want and funny
crap now, one time and you're out for good."
  The guy says okay, and goes on drinking. Then the monkey 
sees a bowl of grapes sitting on the end of the bar, he walks 
over, grabs a grape, and stuffs it up his @$!, pulls it out, 
then eats it.
  The bartender says "That's it!  I said no funny crap, now
you and that monkey get out of here!"
  The guy says, "Well, allright, but that was legitimate."
  "You see, ever since he ate that cue ball, he's been 
measuring things before he eats them to make sure they'll 
make it all the way through!"

  A small East Texas Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare 
species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became 
very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park
veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To 
make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species 
  While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed 
Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animal 
cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample
ability to satisfy any hairy female. So, the park administrators 
thought they might have a solution.
  Ed was approached with a proposition; would he be willing to have 
sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Ed showed some interest, 
but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
  The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, 
but only under three conditions.
  "First", he said. "I don't want to have to kiss her.  Second, I 
want you to provide me with some protection."
  The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so 
they asked what was his third condition.
  "Well," said Ed,"You've gotta give me another week to come up 
with the five hundred bucks."

  This guy was walking through the zoo one day. When he was 
in front of the gorilla cage he bent down to tie his shoe. 
He noticed through the corner of his eye that the gorilla 
had also bent down. Then when he stood back up he saw that 
the gorilla also stood back up. To see if it was a 
coincidence, he bent down to tie his other shoe and once 
again the gorilla bent down. He stood up and the gorilla 
stood up. After glancing over his shoulder to make sure that 
nobody else was around, the man jumped up in the air. And you 
guessed it, the gorilla jumped up. The man was getting a kick 
out of it. He started making faces at the gorilla and the 
gorilla would copy everything he did. Finally the man got next
to the cage and pulled the lower lid of his right eye down. 
  At this point the gorilla reached through the cage pulled 
the guy in, threw the guy around the cage, and generally beat 
the shit out of him, then threw him back out of the cage.
  After hearing all the commotion, the zookeeper came
running over to the man. 
  "What on earth happened?" asked the zookeeper.
  "I don't know", said the man. "He seemed calm a second ago. 
I was jumping around and he was jumping around and he was 
doing every thing I was doing. Then all of sudden after I did 
this (pulls lower eyelid down) he got all mad and beat the 
hell out of me."
  "Well, no wonder!!!" exclaimed the zookeeper. "That," 
(pulls lower eyelid down) "means F... YOU in gorilla talk!"
  "Oh," said the man, not quite satisfied. 
  He left the zoo but returned an hour later with a large 
shopping bag.
  Again, after making sure that no one was watching, he
started jumping around and the gorilla did the same. After 
a minute or two of this he grabbed the bag and pulled out 
two butcher knives and threw one of them into the cage. He 
lifted the other knife over his head at which point the 
gorilla grabbed his knife and also lifted it over his head. 
After a minute of cutting the air with his knife and watching 
the gorilla do likewise the man snuck a large salami out of 
the bag with his other hand and stuck it between his legs. 
With a sweeping motion he came down with the knife and whacked
off the salami "WHACK!!!" 
  At this, the gorilla simply looked at the man and pulled 
down his lower eyelid. 

  A guy looks out his window one morning and notices a big 
gorilla in the tree in his front yard. He calls the animal 
warden, asking for help.  Later that day, a truck pulls up 
to the house and the warden gets out, carrying a shotgun 
and leading a vicious-looking dog.
  The guy greets the warden and asks, "How are you gonna get 
the ape out of my tree?"     
  The warden replies, "Here's the plan. You hold this shotgun 
and I'll climb the tree and shake the branches until the ape 
falls. Then this trained dog here will grab the ape by the 
balls and drag him into the truck."
  The guy says, "Okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?"
  The warden says, "If I fall out of the tree before the 
gorilla, make sure you shoot that damned dog!"

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