Insect Jokes

Insect Jokes



What did the snail say as he was riding on the turtle's back?
Whee!!



What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits 
 your windsheild?
It's asshole.



What did the worm say to the caterpillar?
"What did you do to that that fur coat?"



What do you call a mosquito with a tin suit?
A bite in shining armor.



How do fleas travel?
By itch-hiking.



What is a bee with its legs crossed doing on the motorway?
Looking for a BP station.
   


Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
So they don't have to sleep in the wet spot.


 
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.



Did you hear the one about the bedbugs who fell in love?
They got married in the spring.



How do you make a glow-worm happy?
Cut off it's tail.  It'll be delighted.



There were two flies.
Both felt great because they were down in the dumps.



To us, a bee is a pain.  To a flower it's Don Juan!



In Manitoba, the mosquitoes show up on radar.



A moth wanted to get away, so he spent the winter in a tropical
worsted suit!



A mosquito is like a kid.  When he stops making noise, he's on
to something.



Insects must have brains.  How else would they know that you're
going on a picnic?



  Two flies flew out to the city garbage dump.  Hovering over it
were about a quarter of a billion other flies.
  The first fly asked, "Who else knows about this?"
   


What do ants do when they are ill?
Take antibiotics.
   


What Do You Call An Ant Strange Enough To Like Streaking?
ABERRant.



What Do You Call A Male Over-Sexed Ant ?
PANTant.



What Do You Call An Army Ant?
GIant.



What Do You Call A Mistaken Ant?
Errant.



What Do You Call A Silent Ant?
Mutant.



What Do You Call A Vacuumed Ant?
Vacant.


What Do You Call An Ant That's Been Flattened By A Car?
Tyrant.



What Do You Call The First Ant?
Adamant.



What Do You Call A Young Male Ant?
A Buoyant.



What Do You Call A Hip Ant?
A Coolant.



What Do You Call A Ant Living In A Dormitory?
A Dormant.



What Do You Call The Marks Ants Make When The Walk?
Anthrax.



What Do You Call The Ant In Charge?
Commandant.



What Do You Call The Ant That Writes Advice Columns?
Consultant.



What Do You Call The Ant That Goes On "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
Contestant.



What Do You Call A Retired Astronaut Ant?
Exorbitant.



What Do You Call The Second Ant In Charge?
Lieutenant.



What Do You Call An Ant You Flick Off Your Arm?
Propellant.



What Do You Call A Navy Ant?
Assailant.



What Do You Call An Ant Lookout?
Observant.



What Do You Call A Blonde Ant?
Retardant.



What Do You Call An Ant Nun?
An Inhabitant.



Why don't ants have balls?
Because they can't dance
  


  2 ants are standing on the edge of a toilet bowl.
  The first ant says, "I bet I could get around this toilet 
bowl in less than 5 minutes!" 
  "Go for it," says his friend and times him.
  The first ant runs like crazy and gets back in 3 and a half 
minutes.
  "Not bad" says the second ant, "But just watch me!"
  The second ant takes off at top speed, and the first ant 
waits...2 minutes, 3 minutes...finally 15 minutes later the 
2nd ant comes up panting and exhausted.
  "What happened!!??" asks the first ant.
  "Well, when I got about halfway around I just got pissed off."



  A man is sitting down to read the paper when he hears a knock 
on his door. Upon opening the door the man is confronted by a 
snail on his doorstep. 
  "Good evening," says the snail, "I'm collecting for the snail 
benevelent fund. Would you care to make a donation?".
  The snail gets his reply as the man kicks him into the bushes. 
  Ten years later there's another knock at the door. Again, the 
man finds a snail on his doorstep.
  "That wasn't very nice!" exclaimed the snail. 



  These two male flies are buzzing around on a farm when one of 
them spots a female fly sitting on a freshly laid mound of horse 
dung. They glance at each other and one of them says, "I'm gonna 
try and pull her. Wish me luck."
  So he swoops down and lands on another freshly laid turd right 
next to the female fly and says, "Excuse me, is this stool taken?"



  Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came 
out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. 
   She turned pale. "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't 
eat worms!" 
  Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother worm 
is looking all over for her nice baby worm."
  "No, she isn't," said Johnny.
  "How do you know she's not?" said the mother.
  "Because I ate her first!" answered Little Johnny.



  These two snails called Sam and Ralph live next door to each other 
and are very good friends. They're uncannily similar and are often 
mistaken for brothers. They're also really competitive and one day, 
whilst playing around pretending that they're racing cars, they 
start arguing about which one of them is the quickest. Well, one of 
their friends suggests that they should have a drag race on a nearby 
road to decide. They agree that it's a great idea and so a whole 
group of snails gather to watch them. So that they can tell them 
apart Ralph paints a huge R on his back and Sam paints a big S on 
his. The race begins and Ralph gets off to a terrific start. He's 
miles ahead (well, millimetres) of Sam and it looks like the race 
is all over, but gradually Sam catches up. Finally, just before 
they cross the finishing line, Sam passes Ralph, and all the time 
the snails in the crowd are chanting, "S car go. S car go."



  Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders
mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"
  "They're mating, Lucy" he replied.
  "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked.
  "Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."
  Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a
Mommy Longlegs?"
  Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
  Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them 
flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!"



  The FDA announced that it has discovered an new viral infection 
that affects HoneyBee's. The virus attacks the inner ear of the 
Bee, causing it to stagger in it's flight. When the Bee attempts 
to land on a blossom, it misses and hits the petal instead. This 
violent contact with the plant results in the transfer of the 
virus from the Bee to the plant. Once the plant is infected, it 
soon withers and dies.
  The FDA has named this virus, "The Blight of the Fumble Bee"



  A man goes into a petshop and says, "I'd like to buy a wasp please".
  The petshop owner says "Don't be so stupid, we don't sell wasps". 
  The man replies, "Well, there's one in the window".



  Joe said, "Know what, Charlie? I killed 5 flies yesterday, 3 males 
and 2 females."
  "How could you tell them apart, Joe?" asked Charlie.
  Joe replied, "That was easy. The 3 males were sitting on a case of 
beer and the 2 females were on the phone."



  Two bees ran into each other.  One asked the other how things 
were going.
  "Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really 
wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't 
make any honey."
  "No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks 
and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's 
a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers 
and fresh fruit."
  "Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away.
  A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and 
the first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
  "Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it 
would be."
  "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
  "That's my yarmulke," said the second bee, "I didn't want them 
to think I was a wasp."



  People don't often think about the insects that pollinate 
marijuana plants.  It's an interesting thought: bees with a 
buzz.  Those insects are really flying.
  However, investigators report that most of them are flying
so slowly they never arrive, and the food-reporting dance of
the few that do translates as nothing but giggling.



  October is the moment of truth, when you go to get your winter 
clothes out of storage.
  Let's face it, to you it's a clothes closet.
  To moths, it's McDonald's.



  When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we 
kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting 
pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.
  Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, 
Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."



  A city slicker, riding with a farmer on a horse-drawn wagon, 
is bothered by a mosquito.  He asks what it is.
  The farmer says, "That's a horsefly.  He hangs around the rear 
end of a horse."
  The city slicker said, "Do I look like the rear end of a horse?"
  The farmer said, "You could fool me, but you can't fool a horsefly!"



  A grasshopper hopped into a bar sits down and orders a beer.
  The bartender said, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"  
  The grasshopper responded,  "You have a drink named Bob?"



  A man spent thirty years in prison. Most of it was in solitary
confinement, and he was going crazy alone in his cell, when he 
spied an ant crawling on the floor. He began to look forward to 
the ant's daily visit to his cell, and he would save bread crumbs 
to feed the ant. He began to talk to the ant and gave it a name.
He was really surprised when the ant began to come to him when 
he called it by name. He thought he was going crazy when the 
ant began to talk back to him. He taught the ant to recite the 
Declaration of Independence.
  Later, when he was finally paroled, the convict took the ant 
with him, in a matchbox. He went to a bar, thinking, "This ant
will make me rich!" He took the matchbox out of his pocket and
released the ant on the bar.
  He said, "Bartender, do you see this ant on the bar?"
  The bartender, "I'm sorry about that", and squashed the ant 
with his thumb!



   The other night my wife yelled from the bathroom that there was a
strange bug flying around in there.  She had just started to get her
bath and get ready for bed.  Sometimes she likes to burn scented candles
while relaxing and this was one of those times.  I came in and spotted a
mosquito that was flitting around the light.  It had been trapped in a
spider/cob web and was still dangling a piece of web from it's body.
This is what made it look so strange.  Anyhow, I picked up a slipper and
started to swat the thing.
   Well I missed as usual and asked my wife to hand me the fly swatter.
I made one more swipe then yelled "never mind."  I had contacted on the
last swing and knocked the mosquito into the candle flame.  There was a
puff of smoke and the candle went out.  She asked if I got it.  I picked
up a pair of tweezers and lifted the dead bug out of the melted wax and
candle wick.
   As I held it up I said "Yeah...I waxed the little sucker."



  A single man wants someone to help him with the household chores, 
so he decides to get a pet to help out.  He goes to the local pet 
shop and asks the owner for advice on a suitable animal.
  The owner suggests a dog but the man says "Nah, dogs can't do 
dishes."
  The owner suggests a cat but the man says "Nah, cats can't do 
the ironing"
  The owner then suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for 
you. It can do anything!"
  OK, the man thinks, I'll give it a try, so he buys it and takes 
it home. Once home he tells the centipede to wash the dishes. Five 
minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put away. Great, 
thinks the man. Now he tells the centipede to do the dusting and 
vacuuming.  15 minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thinks the 
man, so he decides to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and 
get me the evening paper," he tells the centipede, and off it goes.
  15 minutes later, the centipede hasn't returned. 30 minutes later 
and still no centipede. 45 minutes and the man is sick of waiting, 
so he gets up and goes out to look for the centipede.
  As he opens the front door, there on the step is the centipede.
  "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes 
ago and now I find you out here without the paper!  What gives?" 
  "Hold on to your shirt!" says the centipede, "I'm still putting on 
my shoes!"



  Two friends, Jim and Frank, are discussing hobbies, when Jim says 
that he's taken up beekeeping. Frank looks puzzled and says to his 
friend, "But, you live in an apartment! Where do you keep the bees?"
  Jim replies, "Oh, I keep them in the apartment."
  "In the APARTMENT?!" exclaims Frank.  "Surely they're a menace, 
flying all around and stinging everybody!"
  "Nah," replies Jim. "They're not loose...I keep them in the closet."
  "But," insists Frank, "The bees must swarm around you every time you 
get your coat from the closet."
  "Not at all," explains his friend, patiently. "I keep them in a BOX 
in the closet."
  "Yes, I understand," presses Frank, "but still, the bees can come 
out of the hole and sting you."
  "No, there's no hole in the box."
  "No hole?! But if the box has no hole, the bees won't be able to go 
out and find food. They're going to die!"
  Frustrated, Jim exclaims to Frank, "Look, it's only a HOBBY!"



  Two boys were walking along a sidwalk when the niticed a colony 
of ants busy working on and around the fence in from of them. One 
boy suddenly decides to relieve himself on the poor ants. The other
was concerned that the poor ants might be hurt or even worse, killed.  
  The first boy replied, "relax, they wont get hurt, they'll just 
be pissed off!"

 


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