What's the difference between a regular toad and a horny toad?
A regular toad croaks, "Ribbit Ribbit" while a horny toad croaks,
"Rub-it Rub-it"



  A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
  The bartender says, "What's that all about?" 
  The frog replies, "I dunno. Just last week is was just a wart 
on my ass."



Why are frogs so happy? 
They eat whatever bugs them! 


 
What happens when two frogs collide? 
They get tongue tied! 


 
How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg? 
Unhoppy. 


  
What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit? 
A rubbit! 
 


Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes? 
He liked a good croak and dagger. 


 
What happened to the frog's car when his parking meter expired? 
It got toad!! 


  
What's green green green green green? 
A frog rolling down a hill 


 
What is a frog's favorite game? 
Croaket 


 
What did the frog order at McDonald's? 
French flies and a diet Croak 


 
Why did the frog say meow? 
He was learning a foreign language. 


 
Why did the frog go to the hospital? 
He needed a "hopperation" ! 


 
What is the thirstiest frog in the world? 
The one who drinks Canada Dry! 


 
How deep can a frog go? 
Knee-deep Knee-deep! 


 
What do stylish frogs wear? 
Jumpsuits! 


 
What does a bankrupt frog say? 
"Baroke, baroke, baroke." 



What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
"Say, we do taste like chicken, don't we?"



What has more lives than a cat?
A frog. It croaks every night.

   

What is red and green and goes 700Mph?
A frog in a blender!!



How can sea captains use amphibians?
As froghorns.



How do frogs die?
Ker-mit suicide



How do you eat a frog?
One leg over the left ear and one leg over the right ear.



How do you screw frog style?
You keep hoppin' until you're ready to croak.



If a swamp frog goes ribb-it ... ribb-it ... ribb-it; 
and a Busch frog goes bud ... wis ... er; 
What does a Windows 95 frog sound like?
Re-boot Re-boot Re-boot



I'm a hallucinogenic toad -- lick me all over



Old frogs never die ... But they do croak



URA Redneck if you hold a frog and IT worries about getting warts.



What did one gay frog say to the other gay frog?
I guess my asshole is watertight!!



What did the frog say as he walked through the library?
Read it ... Read it ... Read it.

 

What do you call a green Kangaroo with no fur?
A frog!



What is a cloak?
The mating call of a Chinese frog!



What is green and red all over?
A sunburnt frog ... 



  A widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing 
for her would be to have a companion. So, off she went to the pet 
shop. She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she 
figured she'd just walk around until she found just the 'right one.' 
She went past the adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, 
past the preening birds, past the sleeping hamsters, past the 
whirling gerbils, and past the colorful fish.
  Nothing really appealed to her and seemed to be just what she was
looking for. She decided to go around the store again.
  On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel. At the 
bottom of the barrel was a rather nasty looking toad. When she 
looked in, he WINKED at her! Our poor widow just shook herself! She 
couldn't believe it. She rather quickly went back to the other pets 
on display.
  Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darling
kittens, the fluttering birds, the fuzzy hamsters, the sleek gerbils,
and the darting fish. Nothing really, really did it for her. She was
starting to get discouraged. So, she figured one last time around,
just in case she missed something.
  Going by the barrel again, she took another peek. There was that
nasty toad, and this time, he puckered up & threw her a kiss!! This 
was almost too much for the poor widow and she just about ran over 
to the other pets.
  She tried hard to find just the right one to take home with her, 
but not one of those cute puppies or silky kittens or chirping birds 
or golden hamsters or skinny gerbils or fancy fish seemed right for 
her. Totally discouraged by now, the widow decided to go home.
  On the way out of the shop, she had to walk past the barrel again. 
As she furtively peeked in, the toad just gave her the most 
beseeching look, and he had a little tear on the corner of his eye. 
He even sniffed a bit. This was too much for our widow, she started 
heading for the exit in a hurry.
  All of a sudden it struck her that this poor toad was probably 
just as lonely as she was. Not only that, but he was so ugly that 
no one would probably buy him, especially not with all the other 
nice pets available.
  So up to the counter she marched, told the salesperson she'd take 
the toad, but requested that he be put in a sturdy box. When she got 
to her car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and proceeded 
to drive home.
  As she was driving along, she heard some scratching coming from 
the box. She tried to ignore it for a bit, but then thought that the 
toad might need some air, so she opened the box a bit. (What could 
it hurt?)
  She would glance over at the toad from time to time, and he kept
winking at her and throwing her kisses. She finally thought, "oh 
heck, what could it hurt?" and she leaned over and KISSED him!
  And POOF! He turned into a HANDSOME PRINCE!!!
  And do you know what our poor widow turned into?
  The first motel she came to!



  A rabbit is walking across a field when he suddenly bumps into 
a frog. The frog goes head over heels backwards though the grass.
  "I'm sorry," says the rabbit, "I didn't see you coming, because
I have a problem - I've been blind since birth"
  The frog replies, "Don't worry about it, It wasn't entirely your
fault because I didn't see you coming - I'm blind too".
  The frog then says - to the rabbit, "What are you?"
  The rabbit replies, "Being blind - since birth, I'm not really 
sure what I am - I've never seen anything to compare myself to."
  The rabbit says to the frog, "What are you?" 
  The frog replies, "Likewise - I've not seen anything to compare
myself to either."
  The frog then says, "I know - we'll feel each other and then we
will be able to tell what we are - I'll go first."
  The frog runs his hands over the rabbit and says, "You've got a
nice soft fur coat, long pointed ears, buck teeth & your breath
smells of carrots - you must be a rabbit!"
  The rabbit runs his hands over the frog and says, "You're a 
slimy little bastard with a big mouth - you must be a politician"


 
  This mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink.
  The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
  The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I 
show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a 
drink?"
  The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
  "Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and 
pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs 
to the end of the  bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the 
piano, jumps on the key  board and starts playing Gershwin songs. 
And the hamster is really good.
 The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like 
that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."
  The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
  "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.
  The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He 
puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a 
marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from 
the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 
for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three 
hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the 
bar with it.
  The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You 
sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. 
You must be crazy!"
  "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!" 


 
Did you hear that Dr. Jack Kevorkian did the special effects
for the Budweiser Frog Beer Commercials? 
Yup, he's the guy who made them croak.



  A woman goes to buy a pet. In the store, she sees a frog in a 
rosewood box and asks for the price.
  This frog is worth $4000, madam.
  What?  Why is it so expensive?
  Well, you see, it's specially trained to perform cunnilingus.
  I see... I'll take it.
  She takes the frog home, showers, puts on a silk gown, perfume, 
then opens the box. The frog won't perform, so she calls the pet 
store.
  The shopkeeper says, "I'll be right over.
  Moments later he arrives, stares at the frog and says, "All 
right now, look hard, it's the last time I'll show you what to do."



  An elderly married couple were in there car going for a ride in 
the countryside when the wife told her husband that she had to go 
to the toilet.
  "Where do you expect me to find a toilet out here, you will have 
to wait till we get to a town"
  After another 10 minutes she told her husband that she had to go, 
and go quickly "alright you will have to go behind the bushes" and 
he stopped the car and his wife went behind the bushes.
  Ten minutes later she reappears with an ashen face.
  "Whats the matter" said the husband
  "I have just had a miscarriage" she replied
  "Don't be stupid" he said "You're nearly 80 years old, you can't
possible have a miscarriage"
  "Go behind the bushes where I was and you will see what I mean"
  Her husband goes and come backs a few minutes later "You silly 
old cow, you've shit on a frog"



Vicar: What's that you're doing, Tommy?
Tommy: Sticking bangers up frog's arses, Vicar
Vicar: Rectum, Tommy
Tommy: Blows 'em to fucking pieces, Vicar!



  A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going
to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything
about you."
  The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
  "No," said the psychic, "Next term-in her biology class."




Top Changes if Your Boss Were a Frog

Your plan to just step on anyone who stands in the way of your
career advancement begins to look more and more plausible.

He'd be much more likely to pee when you pick him up.

You'd probably want to rethink your aversion to vivisection.

No more whining about how long it's been since you had any tail.

Daydreaming about the day your boss croaks would no longer have that
same charm.

Sexual harassment laws not so clear-cut with out-of-body egg fertilization.

She's noticeably jumpier after morning coffee break.

"Toadie" suddenly a well-respected position.

At the very least, you'd get a nice psychedelic buzz after kissing his ass.

If he laid a pile of work on you Friday at 4:30, you could flush him
down the toilet.

Tastes more like chicken than the old boss.

You thought cigarette and coffee breath was bad ... 

No more dirty language around the water cooler -- it's a nursery now!

Want a promotion? Tell him your brother is a French Chef -- I think
he'll make the connection.

Having a "frog in your throat" could actually net you that desired
promotion.

Fred the Anaconda in Human Resources would be out of a job.