Fish Jokes

Fish Jokes

What do you call a fish without any eyes?

Two trout are dining in a restaurant when one of them starts waving
his empty glass in the air. The head waiter turns to another waiter
and says, "I think there's a fish out of water."

What happened when the oyster went to a nightclub?
He pulled a mussel.

What Is The Difference Between A Goldfish And A Mountain Goat?
Goldfish Like To Muck Around The Fountain.

What Do You Call an Illegitimate Fish?
A Bass-tard.

Do you know where the fish keep their money?
In the river bank.

Dolphins are so intelligent that after only a few weeks they can train 
a man to stand on the edge of the pool each day and throw them fish.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

  A baby sardine saw a submarine for the first time.  
  "What is that? he asked his mother in a fearful voice.  
  "Don't be scared," she replied. "It's just a can of people."

Do you know why the oyster did not want to give up his pearl?
He was a little shellfish.

Why don't lobster's let other lobsters play with their toys?
Because they're shellfish.

Where do you find the most fish?
Between the head and the tail.

How did they know the man eaten by sharks had dandruff?
They found head and shoulders on the beach.


"Doctor, doctor I have a fish on my head"
"Yes, I'm afraid you have a brain tuna"

There were two fish in a tank, and one says to the other,
"I bet you didn't know I could drive one of these!"

There are two fish in a tank, one says to the other,
"How the hell do you drive this thing??"

What happened to the piano that sounded a bit fishy?
They took it to the tuna.

How do you circumcise a whale?
With 4 skin divers.

What is a musical fish?
A piano tuna.

How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.

What leaves yellow footprints on the seabed?
A lemon sole.

  Traffic was backed up almost to a standstill this morning as 
I drove to work. I turned on the radio to listen to my favorite 
rock station but they were playing Rock-a-billy which I absolutely 
detest.  So I decided to ram the dial for something better and 
happened to tune in a local talk show host who was ranting about 
government waste of funds on useless research projects.  He was 
objecting to congress funding a project to a team in Gettysburg, 
PA, that was feeding clams and other mollusks large doses of 
Prozac to determine its effect on these sea dwellers.  He cited 
this as an example of government waste.  I immediately phoned him 
on my cellular phone and found myself on the air.  The host was 
very unhappy when I told him that this research was very important 
as it was essential to determine if ... Prozac was effective as a 
mussel relaxant.

  The mermen of Atlantis were the coaches for various teams made 
of various ocean fish. This had been going on for centuries, far 
longer than anyone could remember. One of the rules handed down 
was that cephalopods were not allowed to play for pay. They could 
play as amateurs only.
  One enterprising young merman decided to break the rule and found 
some aspiring players and contracted them for his team. Every team 
they played lost by hundreds of points due to the new players. All 
the other teams quickly hired every available cephalopod and games 
lasted into quadruple overtime with no winners, so they were called 
as ties.
  The commissioner, in looking up the history of why the games ended 
so, found the reason for the banishment of these particular players. 
It was to maintain the squid pro quo.

  An octopus took a holiday in the English Channel.  Whilst swimming
along, he saw a squid on the sea-bed, looking decidedly the worse 
for wear.
  "Hello," he said.  "You look a bit under the weather to me."
  "Yes," replied the squid, "I feel terrible."
  "I know what's wrong," said the octopus.  "You're in the wrong 
climate, mate.  You're a Mediterranean crustacean, and the sea here's 
too cold for you.  Also, the salinity's too low.  You don't want to 
be in the English Channel.  You need to get back to the Mediterranean 
quick, before you die!"
  "Gosh," replied the squid, "I must have turned left at Portugal 
instead of right.  That explains it all.  But how can I get all the 
way round, swimming against the Gulf Stream?"
  "Don't worry," said the kindly octopus, "I'll hold you in my 
tentacles, and take you there.  It's on my way, so it's no great 
  "Oh, thank-you!" exclaimed the squid.
  True to his word, the octopus carried the ailing exoskeleton all 
the way around the Spanish land-mass to the warm, salty waters of 
the Mediterranean.  Sadly, however, the squid showed no sign of 
recovery. He became even more pale, and his little eyes started to 
glaze over.  As they approached the straits of Gibraltar, the 
octopus saw an old conger-eel friend of his.
  "Hey, Conger!" he shouted.  "Here's that sick squid I owe you!"

  Once upon a time there were two prawns, Johann and Kristian. 
Kristian was a happy prawn, but Johann was discontented with his 
lot as a miniscule creature in the enormity of the Pacific Ocean.
  'You know Kristian, I'm fed up being a prawn. I mean - when was 
the last time either of us had sex? I don't want to be a prawn 
  Kristian smiled and swam off to his favorite lazing spot, 
leaving Johann fuming at his friend's apparent uncaring attitude.
  "Right, that's it. I'm going to see the magic crab".
  Johann swam off, and soon encountered the magic crab crawling 
about amongst a pile of kelp.
  "Please, magic crab - you've got to help me. I'm fed up being
an insignificant prawn and never getting my end away. Couldn't 
you turn me into a great white shark so that everyone will take 
notice of me?", implored Johann.
  The magic crab pondered this for a while. "Hmmmm, well Johann, 
I wouldn't normally reccommend such a course of action for a 
prawn. But, seeing as it's you, I'd be happy to oblige."
  He clicked his pincers together in a peculiar rythym known only
to the magic crabs of the Pacific, and uttered the magic word 
"Ahurnahurnaninginyning" - and POOF! Johann was transformed into 
the most fearsome great white ever seen.
  "Cheers, magic crab!" Johann was most delighted with his new 
body, and swam off to find himself a sexy fish to procreate with.
  He spied a female barracuda swimming along, and swooped in.
  "Hey there, sexy - how's about it then?" 
  The barracuda shrieked in her fish-like way and raced for cover. 
Johann was not to be deterred. He spied a voluptuous tuna, and 
tried again - "Well hello there, beautiful. I couldn't help 
noticing th-".
  Before he had a chance to say any more, the tuna shrieked and 
scuttled for cover.
  Johann tried all day for a little frolick with the fairer sex, 
but to no avail. He was just too scary a fish for anybody to 
contemplate intimate relations with. Tired and depressed, he swam
back to see the magic crab.
  The magic crab knew what he was going to say, and before Johann
had even opened his mouth, POOF! he was turned back into a prawn.
  "Let that be a lesson to you, young Johann. Be content with what 
you have. God has made you that way for a reason, so enjoy it and
be happy!"
  Johann realised how stupid he had been, and thanked the magic 
crab for helping him realise the error of his ways. Content in 
his new found humility, he swam off to find his friend and tell 
him about his new change in philosophy.
  Swimming over to Kristian's favorite ground, he spied his friend 
drifting in the currents. Suddenly, he felt a lifetime's worries 
and frustrations leaving him all at once - his head was filled 
with the joy of seeing his friend and being part of this amazing 
world. No more would he be unhappy! He would enjoy life to the 
full! He swam for all he was worth to be with his friend, ready 
to extoll the virtues of a simple prawn's life, but it was all too 
much. Words could not describe the rapture he was feeling. In his 
excitement, he shouted the only thing he could clearly think of:

  Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend 
off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark 
they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it 
in the nose as hard as possible.
  If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump.

  A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. She 
noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways.  Wow, 
she thought, this crab is really special.  I can't let him get 
away.  So they got married immediately.
  The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like 
all the other crabs, and got upset.
  "What happened?" she asked.  "You used to walk straight before 
we were married."
  "Oh, honey," he replied, "I can't drink that much every day."

  A friend of ours was walking down a deserted Mexican beach at 
sunset. As he walked along, he began to see another man in the 
distance. As he grew nearer, he noticed that the local native 
kept leaning down, picking something up and throwing it out into 
the water. Time and again he kept hurling things out into the ocean.
  As our friend approached even closer, he noticed that the man was
picking up starfish that had been washed up on the beach and, one 
at time, he was throwing them back into the water.
  Our friend was puzzled. He approached the man and said, "Good 
evening, friend. I was wondering what you are doing."
  "I'm throwing these starfish back into the ocean. You see, it's 
low tide right now and all of these starfish have been washed up 
onto the shore. If I don't throw them back into the sea, they'll 
die up here from lack of oxygen."
  "I understand," my friend replied, "but there must be thousands 
of starfish on this beach. You can't possibly get to all of them. 
There are simply too many. And don't you realize this is probably 
happening on hundreds of beaches all up and down this coast. Can't 
you see that you can't possibly make a difference?"
  The local native smiled, bent down and picked up yet another 
starfish, and as he threw it back into the sea, he replied, 
"Made a difference to that one!"

  Well Adam and Eve had just consumated their relationship for the 
first time and Adam was sitting against a tree smoking a cigerette.  
About this time God comes through the bushes and sees Adam's smug 
smile.  Now God's being all knowing says "Adam, I see you and Eve 
have experienced the pleasures of the flesh as I had planned. Very 
good indeed. By the way, where is Eve?"
  Adam replies, "Lord, she's down at the river washing up."
God rushes toward the river screeming, "Now I'll never get that smell
out of those fish!"

What did the angry octopus say to the octopus that made him angry?
One of these days...pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow...
right in the kisser!

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