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What do you call a fish without any eyes? FSH Two trout are dining in a restaurant when one of them starts waving his empty glass in the air. The head waiter turns to another waiter and says, "I think there's a fish out of water." What happened when the oyster went to a nightclub? He pulled a mussel. What Is The Difference Between A Goldfish And A Mountain Goat? Goldfish Like To Muck Around The Fountain. What Do You Call an Illegitimate Fish? A Bass-tard. Do you know where the fish keep their money? In the river bank. Dolphins are so intelligent that after only a few weeks they can train a man to stand on the edge of the pool each day and throw them fish. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam". A baby sardine saw a submarine for the first time. "What is that? he asked his mother in a fearful voice. "Don't be scared," she replied. "It's just a can of people." Do you know why the oyster did not want to give up his pearl? He was a little shellfish. or Why don't lobster's let other lobsters play with their toys? Because they're shellfish. Where do you find the most fish? Between the head and the tail. How did they know the man eaten by sharks had dandruff? They found head and shoulders on the beach. "Doctor, doctor I have a fish on my head" "Yes, I'm afraid you have a brain tuna" There were two fish in a tank, and one says to the other, "I bet you didn't know I could drive one of these!" There are two fish in a tank, one says to the other, "How the hell do you drive this thing??" What happened to the piano that sounded a bit fishy? They took it to the tuna. How do you circumcise a whale? With 4 skin divers. What is a musical fish? A piano tuna. How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line. What leaves yellow footprints on the seabed? A lemon sole. Traffic was backed up almost to a standstill this morning as I drove to work. I turned on the radio to listen to my favorite rock station but they were playing Rock-a-billy which I absolutely detest. So I decided to ram the dial for something better and happened to tune in a local talk show host who was ranting about government waste of funds on useless research projects. He was objecting to congress funding a project to a team in Gettysburg, PA, that was feeding clams and other mollusks large doses of Prozac to determine its effect on these sea dwellers. He cited this as an example of government waste. I immediately phoned him on my cellular phone and found myself on the air. The host was very unhappy when I told him that this research was very important as it was essential to determine if ... Prozac was effective as a mussel relaxant. The mermen of Atlantis were the coaches for various teams made of various ocean fish. This had been going on for centuries, far longer than anyone could remember. One of the rules handed down was that cephalopods were not allowed to play for pay. They could play as amateurs only. One enterprising young merman decided to break the rule and found some aspiring players and contracted them for his team. Every team they played lost by hundreds of points due to the new players. All the other teams quickly hired every available cephalopod and games lasted into quadruple overtime with no winners, so they were called as ties. The commissioner, in looking up the history of why the games ended so, found the reason for the banishment of these particular players. It was to maintain the squid pro quo. An octopus took a holiday in the English Channel. Whilst swimming along, he saw a squid on the sea-bed, looking decidedly the worse for wear. "Hello," he said. "You look a bit under the weather to me." "Yes," replied the squid, "I feel terrible." "I know what's wrong," said the octopus. "You're in the wrong climate, mate. You're a Mediterranean crustacean, and the sea here's too cold for you. Also, the salinity's too low. You don't want to be in the English Channel. You need to get back to the Mediterranean quick, before you die!" "Gosh," replied the squid, "I must have turned left at Portugal instead of right. That explains it all. But how can I get all the way round, swimming against the Gulf Stream?" "Don't worry," said the kindly octopus, "I'll hold you in my tentacles, and take you there. It's on my way, so it's no great problem." "Oh, thank-you!" exclaimed the squid. True to his word, the octopus carried the ailing exoskeleton all the way around the Spanish land-mass to the warm, salty waters of the Mediterranean. Sadly, however, the squid showed no sign of recovery. He became even more pale, and his little eyes started to glaze over. As they approached the straits of Gibraltar, the octopus saw an old conger-eel friend of his. "Hey, Conger!" he shouted. "Here's that sick squid I owe you!" Once upon a time there were two prawns, Johann and Kristian. Kristian was a happy prawn, but Johann was discontented with his lot as a miniscule creature in the enormity of the Pacific Ocean. 'You know Kristian, I'm fed up being a prawn. I mean - when was the last time either of us had sex? I don't want to be a prawn anymore.' Kristian smiled and swam off to his favorite lazing spot, leaving Johann fuming at his friend's apparent uncaring attitude. "Right, that's it. I'm going to see the magic crab". Johann swam off, and soon encountered the magic crab crawling about amongst a pile of kelp. "Please, magic crab - you've got to help me. I'm fed up being an insignificant prawn and never getting my end away. Couldn't you turn me into a great white shark so that everyone will take notice of me?", implored Johann. The magic crab pondered this for a while. "Hmmmm, well Johann, I wouldn't normally reccommend such a course of action for a prawn. But, seeing as it's you, I'd be happy to oblige." He clicked his pincers together in a peculiar rythym known only to the magic crabs of the Pacific, and uttered the magic word "Ahurnahurnaninginyning" - and POOF! Johann was transformed into the most fearsome great white ever seen. "Cheers, magic crab!" Johann was most delighted with his new body, and swam off to find himself a sexy fish to procreate with. He spied a female barracuda swimming along, and swooped in. "Hey there, sexy - how's about it then?" The barracuda shrieked in her fish-like way and raced for cover. Johann was not to be deterred. He spied a voluptuous tuna, and tried again - "Well hello there, beautiful. I couldn't help noticing th-". Before he had a chance to say any more, the tuna shrieked and scuttled for cover. Johann tried all day for a little frolick with the fairer sex, but to no avail. He was just too scary a fish for anybody to contemplate intimate relations with. Tired and depressed, he swam back to see the magic crab. The magic crab knew what he was going to say, and before Johann had even opened his mouth, POOF! he was turned back into a prawn. "Let that be a lesson to you, young Johann. Be content with what you have. God has made you that way for a reason, so enjoy it and be happy!" Johann realised how stupid he had been, and thanked the magic crab for helping him realise the error of his ways. Content in his new found humility, he swam off to find his friend and tell him about his new change in philosophy. Swimming over to Kristian's favorite ground, he spied his friend drifting in the currents. Suddenly, he felt a lifetime's worries and frustrations leaving him all at once - his head was filled with the joy of seeing his friend and being part of this amazing world. No more would he be unhappy! He would enjoy life to the full! He swam for all he was worth to be with his friend, ready to extoll the virtues of a simple prawn's life, but it was all too much. Words could not describe the rapture he was feeling. In his excitement, he shouted the only thing he could clearly think of: I'M A PRAWN AGAIN KRISTIAN! Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible. If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump. A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways. Wow, she thought, this crab is really special. I can't let him get away. So they got married immediately. The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset. "What happened?" she asked. "You used to walk straight before we were married." "Oh, honey," he replied, "I can't drink that much every day." A friend of ours was walking down a deserted Mexican beach at sunset. As he walked along, he began to see another man in the distance. As he grew nearer, he noticed that the local native kept leaning down, picking something up and throwing it out into the water. Time and again he kept hurling things out into the ocean. As our friend approached even closer, he noticed that the man was picking up starfish that had been washed up on the beach and, one at time, he was throwing them back into the water. Our friend was puzzled. He approached the man and said, "Good evening, friend. I was wondering what you are doing." "I'm throwing these starfish back into the ocean. You see, it's low tide right now and all of these starfish have been washed up onto the shore. If I don't throw them back into the sea, they'll die up here from lack of oxygen." "I understand," my friend replied, "but there must be thousands of starfish on this beach. You can't possibly get to all of them. There are simply too many. And don't you realize this is probably happening on hundreds of beaches all up and down this coast. Can't you see that you can't possibly make a difference?" The local native smiled, bent down and picked up yet another starfish, and as he threw it back into the sea, he replied, "Made a difference to that one!" Well Adam and Eve had just consumated their relationship for the first time and Adam was sitting against a tree smoking a cigerette. About this time God comes through the bushes and sees Adam's smug smile. Now God's being all knowing says "Adam, I see you and Eve have experienced the pleasures of the flesh as I had planned. Very good indeed. By the way, where is Eve?" Adam replies, "Lord, she's down at the river washing up." God rushes toward the river screeming, "Now I'll never get that smell out of those fish!" What did the angry octopus say to the octopus that made him angry? One of these days...pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow... right in the kisser! |
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