Elephant Jokes

Elephant Jokes



What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhea.


What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back
 seat of your car?
Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!


What does an elephant use for a tampon?
A Sheep.


Why do elephants have long trunks?
Because sheep don't have strings.


What has an elephant got up its trunk!
Six feet of snot!


Why don't elephants pick their noses?
Where can you wipe an eight foot booger?


Why does an elephant have 4 feet?
Because 6" looks stupid.


How do you know when an elephant has her period? 
Answer : your mattress is gone and there's a nickel in its place. 


How do you know that an elephant's sex organs are on his feet? 
Because if one steps on you you're fucked.


What does an elephant use for a vibrator?
An epileptic.


What's gray and comes in quarts?
An elephant!!!!


What is the stuff found between elephants' toes?
Slow Running Natives.


What did the moron say when he saw an elephant coming down the street??
Watch out, Flood!!


What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing. He just let out a little wine.
   

How do you know there's an elephant under your bed?
Because you need a ladder to get in.


Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool?
Because they couldn't hold their trunks up.
   

What to you give an elephant what's going to be sick?
Plenty of space


Why do elephants wear pink tennis shoes?
Because white tennis shoes get dirty to easy


Why do all the elephants have grey trunks?
Because they all belong to the same swimming club.


What game can 100 elephants play in a car?
Squash.
   

How can you spot the pervert at a circus?
He's the one staring at the elephant saying, "Wow a perfect 536-524-536!"


What sounds like thunder and smells like peanuts?
An elephant fart.


What's the most important rule to remember when screwing an elephant?
Don't let her get on top!


What do you get if you cross an elephant with a poodle?
A dead poodle with an 18" arsehole


Whats the largest drawback in the jungle?
An elephants foreskin


Why do elephants have wrinkled ankles?
They tie their sneakers too tight.


Why do elephants want to be alone?
Because two's a crowd.


What's gray and highly dangerous?
An elephant with a machine gun!


What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
Sir.


What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
Any thing you want, it can't hear you.


Why do elephants drink so much?
To try to forget.


What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow,
   grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
An elephant rolling down a hill with a daffodil in 
  its mouth!


Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.


Why does an elephant have a trunk?
So that it has someplace to hid when it sees a mouse.


Why does an elephant like peanuts?
It can send in the wrappers for prizes.


What goes clomp, clomp, clomp, swish?
An elephant with wet sneakers.


How do you stop a herd of elephants from charging?
You take away their credit cards.


Did you hear the one about the two elephants who fell off a cliff?
Boom Boom!


How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't, you get down from a duck.


Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.


What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
An inside out elephant.


What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.


What is grey and not there.
No elephants.


How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun, of course.


How do you shoot a red elephant?
No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue,
 and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.


How do you shoot a green elephant?
Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns 
blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.


How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!


Why are elephants wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?


How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree.


Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.


What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A native eating cherries.


How did Tarzan die?
Picking cherries.


What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.


How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.


How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.


How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn


Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.


What sound do monkeys hate most?
Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...


Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.


Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
It was glued to the first one.


Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game.


And why did the tree fall down?
It thought it was an elephant.


Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.


How many legs does an elephant have?
Four, two in the front, two in the back.


Why did the elephant cross the road?
Chicken's day off.


What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)


How do you know if you pass an elephant?
You can't get the toilet seat down.


How do you get an elephant into a VW?
Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.


What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.


How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open
  the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.


How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagon bug?
2 in the front and 2 in the back


How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.


How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
Two sets of footprints in the butter.


How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
Can't get the fridge door closed.


How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
There's a VW bug parked outside it.


How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge.
  A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!


How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
Open door, get two VW's out, put tarzan in, close door.


How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO


How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
You can't, silly.  There is only one Tarzan!


Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.


How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
Depends on the number of elephants.


What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
The sun roof.


The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all
  of them showed up except the elephants.  Why?
They were stuck in the VW bug.


How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
None, the elephants are in there!


What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
Optimistic!


What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
Free Parking.


What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
Sole use of the elevator.


What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
Walk him and pitch to the girrafe!


How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
It's bike is outside.


How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
There is a dent in the cross-bar.


How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.


Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
To sneak across a pool table without being seen.


How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.


What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.


What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Bloody great holes all over Australia.


What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Elephino.


How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.


Why do elephants wear sandals?
So that they don't sink in the sand.


Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.


How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway.
To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the
'F' out of the way.


What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?
They're both blue, except for the elephant.


What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
"Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."


What did Jane say?
Here come the blueberries. (Jane was color blind)


What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses 
  on, coming over the hill?
Nothing, he didn't recognize them.


How do you make a dead elephant float?
Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons
  tons of bananas,.....


Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
That's when the elephants are skydiving.


Why are pygmies so short?
They climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.


Why do ducks have flat feet?
From stamp out forest fires.


Why do elephants have flat feet?
From stamp out flaming ducks.


Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
To fit on lily pads.


Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 
  in the afternoon?
That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.


Why are frogs so short?
They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.


Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.


What is a furry alligator?
A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.


Why are pygmies so short?
They can't tell time.


What is that stuff between elephants toes?
Watchless natives.


What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)


Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.


Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
No?  Well, it must work.


What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street
  wearing pink sweatshirts?
They're all on the same team.


How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.


Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
Because they might let down their trunks.


Why do elephants have four feet?
Because lady elephants have big twats.


What do elephants use for condoms?
Snakes.


What do elephants use for vibrators?
Epileptic pigmies.


What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A pachydermatoligist.


What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A two-ton pickup.


What did the female elephant say during sex?
"Can I be on top this time?"


What did the elephant say to the nude man?
Cute, but can you breathe through it?


Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they would look silly with glove compartments.


What do you do when you come across an elephant?
Wipe it off!


Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
None of the offspring survived.


How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying
  down in tall grass?
VERY attractive.


How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!


What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).


What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.


What do you give a seasick elephant?
Lots of room.


Why do elephants lay on their backs?
To trip low flying canaries.


Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
He wasn't laying on his back.


What do you do when you see a thousand elephants coming down the
  mountain slopes?
Swim for your life!


What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A dead ant.


How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but you need a real big bulb.


What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need?
A blow job.


How do you make an elephant fly?
Start with a 3 foot zipper.


What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
An elephant with spare parts


Why did the elephant cross the road?
To pick up the squashed chicken.


What is the height of ambition?
An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.


What's grey and puts out forest fires?
Smokey the Elephant.


What do elephants use for condoms?
Garbage bags!


What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
You miss most of the picture!


Why do pygmies wear giant condoms on their heads?
Because if an elephant steps on them, they're fucked!


What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized he'd
  stepped on a pygmie?
Look what I just stepped in!


What did the peanut say to the elephant?
Nothing, peanuts can't talk.


What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?
Elephant boogers.


How many elephants can you fit into a Dodge?
5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove 
   compartment.


How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?
By the footprints on the baby's forehead! (damn elephants get 
into everything!)


What's the difference between a little moron and an elephant?
About 20 pounds, but the elephant's gaining!


What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
Cinderelephant.


What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.


How do you equalize the two?
Feed the elephant.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and an orangutan?
One dead ape with two-foot stretch marks.


How dow you get an elephant to come in a thimble?
Stuff a bale of hay in it.


How do you stuff a bale of hay in a thimble?
One straw at a time.



  Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like.
Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like 
by direct experience.
  The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, 
"Humans are flat."
  The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the 
human, agreed.



  An elephant was drinking from a river in the jungle when he spied 
a snapping turtle sleeping on a log.  He ambled over to it and kicked 
it clear across the river.
  "Why did you do that?" asked the giraffe.
  "Because," said the elephant "he was the turtle who nipped my trunk 
50 years ago."
  "What a memory!" the giraffe exclaimed.
  "Yes," replied the elephant. "I Have Turtle Recall."



  It seems that an elephant escaped from a circus train and wandered 
about the countryside coming to a nice cabbage patch. The farmer 
looked out his window and saw this strange animal.
  Not knowing what kind of animal he was looking at, he called the 
local police and said, "There's a huge gray animal picking up my 
cabbages with his tail".
  The officer asked, "What is he doing with them" 
  The farmer replied, "If I told you, you wouldn't believe it".




Elephant Stew 

 1 medium sized elephant
 2 rabbits (optional)
 salt and pepper to taste
 brown gravy (lots)

  Cut elephant in small bite size pieces. This will take about two
months. Reserve the trunk, you will need something to store pieces 
in. Add enough brown gravy to cover.
  Cook over kerosene fire for about four weeks at 465 degrees. 
This will serve about 3,800 people.
  If more are expected, the two rabbits may be added. Do this only 
if necessary, as most people do not like to find hare in their stew.




  There was an old man in France who used to get up every morning
at five A.M. He would then go and sprinkle a white powder on
the roads.  When he was asked what he was sprinkling on the roads, 
he answered that it was elephant powder.
  The person then remarked, "But everybody knows that there are no 
elephants in France!" 
  To which he answered, "I guess it must be working then!"



  It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants 
decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.  The game was 
going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, 
when the Ants gained possession.
  The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' 
goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The 
elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.
  The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're 
doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"
  The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was 
just trying to trip him up."



  There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know
why.  Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it.  He'd never seen an elephant
jump with all 4 feet off the ground.  So he started a contest: entry was
$10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet
off the ground would get $50,000.
  All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump.
  Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine.  He's carrying a
baseball bat.  He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches
the elephants balls pretty badly.  Needless to say, the elephant jumps,
and the owner pays out the $50,000.
  Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize,
so he ran another contest.  He'd never seen an elephant swing its head
back and forth as if to say, "no."  Same deal as before: $10 per entry,
$50,000 prize.  Lots of people try and fail.
  Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat,
and walks up to the elephant.  He says, "Remember me?"
  The elephant nods yes.
  The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?"
  The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....



  A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged.  Well, this 
particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk 
onto the man's penis.
  Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy 
restaurant.
  After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt 
around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared 
under the tablecloth.
  The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?".
  Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just 
as quickly disappeared.
  The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't 
believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
  With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, 
I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"



  An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a 
horsefly kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could 
do about it. It was far out of reach.
  A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.
  "Oh, thank you!" said the elephant.
  "My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow.
  "Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, 
don't hesitate to ask."
  The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel 
to fuck an elephant."
  "Be my guest!", said the elephant.
  So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the 
trees above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He 
started to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the 
tree, hitting the elephant on the head.
  "OUCH!", said the elephant.
  The sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"



  Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if 
they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 
2 weeks.  But because the experiment had never been documented and 
the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go. A week 
after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the 
idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to pull 
the cork out. 
  One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training 
a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it 
to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in 
for another go.
  The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment 
and set out to a safe distance.  The first scientist went 1 mile 
away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles.  
When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button 
to sound the buzzer. 
  BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!
  The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, 
the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile 
away) was up to his waist.  When the others joined the scientist who 
was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.
  "What the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the scientist.
  "You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the 
cork back in!!!"



  This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle.
And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The
elephant is stuck in this pit and realises that he is going to die,
so naturally he start to scream. By chance a chicken hears the 
screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate.
  He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant,
"Dont worry, I am going to save you".
  The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the 
Jungle promptly arrives in his *Red Porsche*. He throws a rope from 
the Porche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the 
King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant is saved.
  So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him 
that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever 
be in mortal danger).
  As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru'
the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over
and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh)
  The elephant shouts "Don't worry chicken I will save you". So the
elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too
small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this the
elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small.
As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis.
Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs
out to safety.
  Moral of the story:
  "If you have a big dick you don't need a Porsche."



  Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off
and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the
elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it
and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"
  His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk."
  "No, at the other end."
  "That son is the tail."
  "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant"
  A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "Thats nothing."
  The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied
with her answer asks his father the same question.
  "Daddy, what is that long thing?"
  "That's the trunk, son" replies the father.
  "No at the other end."
  "Oh, that is the tail."
  "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
  "That is the elephants penis.  Why do you ask son?"
  "Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
  Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."



Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book    - The Sex Life of the Elephant
                 or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant

The English book   - Elephants I have shot on Safari

The Welsh book     - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and
                     culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll 
                     nhadau coeden.

The American book  - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants

The Japanese book  - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants

The Greek book     - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money

The Finnish book   - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People

The German book    - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.

The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant

The Swiss book     - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went
                     With His Elephants

The Canadian book  - Elephants: A Federal or Provincial Issue?

The Swedish book   - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.



Hickory Dickory Dock,
An elephant ran up the clock,
The clock is being repaired.



A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of
marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.



An ant and an elephant share a night of romance.  Next morning the ant
wakes up and the elephant is dead.  "Damn", says the ant, "one night
of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"



Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the 
largest animal to roam the lands.  Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen 
bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. 
 Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE 
don't stand near the elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late;
  George, dig her out.



Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.
It's done on a very high level.
There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.
And it takes two years to get any results.



It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants go each year to make
piano keys!
Isn't it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!?



There was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great.
He just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey
and roared at him:
  "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
And this poor quaking little monkey replied:
  "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
  "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer:
  "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly
munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
 "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a
blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a
nearby tree.
The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
  "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have
to get so pissed."



A woman went to see a psychiatrist and complained, "Doctor, my husband
thinks he's a magician."
"What's so bad about that?" the shrink asked.
"We're being sued.  A week ago my husband shoved a girl into a trunk
and sawed it in half."
"The girl's family is suing you?" the psychiatrist asked.
"No, the circus," the woman replied.  "The elephant bled to death."



 Elephant;  A Mouse built to government specifications.


An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.


If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
  -- Zisla


They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
  -- General Sedgwick's last words



Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Elephants.
Elephants who?
Ella Fintzgerald!



In the jungle there was once this elephant and a snake. They had a bitter
rivalry about who was smarter. So the wise owl (who was their arbitrator)
set each of them a test. To the elephant he posed the problem of catching 
or snookering the snake; the snake, on the other hand, had to surprise 
and astound the elephant.
Next day the snake crept up on the elephant; and within a blink of an eye
slithered up the elephant's trunk. The snake wriggled and wriggled up the
trunk, into the esophegus, down into the stomach, through the intestines, 
and a minute later popped out of the elephant's arse, and said 'BOO!'
The elephant, clearly astounded, asked the snake to do it again; this was
truly a remarkable feat, and wanted to make sure it wasn't a fluke.
So the snake wiped himself on some grass, and slithered once more up the
trunk, slipping and sliding through the elephant's digestive tract.
When the snake emerged a minute later, covered in shit, from the elephant's
rectum, the elephant shoved his trunk up his ass and said 'Snookered!'



A lady while dining at Crewe,
Found an elephant's whang in her stew,
Said the waiter,"don't shout, 
and don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too!!"



Two elephants - Harry & Faye
Couldn't kiss with their trunks in the way
So they boarded a plane
They're now kissing in Maine
Cause their trunks got sent to L.A.




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