The reason the dog is known as man's best friend is probably because
he gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no In-Laws.
Did you hear about the family who owned an English pointer
and an Irish setter?
The dogs get together at Christmas time and have pointsetters.
Men like dogs better than they like women because a dog is happy when
men leave the toilet seat up.
What do you call a deaf dog?
Why bother, it can't hear you.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Why bother, it can't come.
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take him for a drag
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Hear about the flea circus?
A dog came by and stole the show.
What do you get when a dog breaks into a henhouse?
Pooched eggs.
What do you call a dog that eats cantaloupes?
A melancholy.
Why did the three-legged dog return to Dodge City?
To find the man who shot his paw.
What kind of gun does a police dog use?
A dogmatic!
You can't teach an old dog new tricks or a new dog much of
anything at all.
What Do You Call A Clumsy Hunting Dog?
An Upsetter.
What Do You Call A Dog That Lives On A Pier?
A Docks-Hound.
What Do You Call A Dog That Throws Up In The House?
Homesick!
What Do You Call An Ad For Dogs Available For Adoption At The Pound?
A Cur-Mercial.
What Do You Call The Dog Owned By A Little Wooden Puppet?
Paw-Nocchio.
What Do You Call The Female Dog Who Leads A Gang Of Dogs Who Have
Been 'Fixed'?
Queen Of Spayeds.
What Do You Call The Shortcut That Seadogs Take Through
Central America?
The Panama Kennel
What kind of dog tells time?
A watch dog.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,
but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how
to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99
for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
I wonder if other dogs think Poodles are members of a weird
religious cult.
If I spill Spot remover on my dog will it disappear?
My dog Minton ate two shuttlecocks yesterday.
Bad Minton.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king,
they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas
with some good ideas.
What do you get if you cross a Rottweiler with a labrador?
A dog that scares the shit out of you and then gets you a toilet roll.
What has four legs and an arm?
A pitbull in a school playground.
What do you get when you cross Lassie had a with a Rottweiler?
A dog that rips your leg off then runs for help.
What's the difference between a pit bull and a social worker?
You can get your kid back from a pit bull.
What's the difference between a pit bull humping your leg and
a poodle humping your leg?
You let the pit bull finish.
What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull with a Chicken?
Just the Pit Bull!
If you're in France, and you're attacked by an unusually large dog,
what's the best way to defend yourself?
Step on it.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
A dog walks into a bar, jumps onto a barstool, and asks the
bartender, "Hey, today is my birthday. Do I get a free drink?"
Bartender says "Sure, the toilet is around the corner."
But have you ever noticed that dogs tend to go after a WOMANS
crotch 90% of the time. Now you know who's best friend the dog
would rather be.
What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
Half a dog.
How does it feel to be a dog?
Rough, rough.
Ever notice that while a dog is a man's best friend;
diamonds are a girl's best friend?
Who do you think got first pick?
Why do you say Rex is a carpenter dog?
Last night, he made a bolt for the door.
What is the difference between a well dressed man and a tired dog?
One wears a suit, and the other just pants...
What's the difference between a mutt and a pedigreed dog?
About a hundred and fifty dollars.
If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant,
what is on the outside?
K9P
How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?
Pick him up and suck his dick.
How can you keep your neighbor's dog from shitting all over your lawn?
Mix some "quick-dry" cement in his Alpo.
Men most resemble what animal?
Dogs, only they're not as loyal.
When all else fails follow the dog's rule of life.....
If you cant eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
Why do blind people hate to skydive?
It scare's the dog.
What do you call a dog with steel balls and no hind legs?
Sparky.
The reason dogs lick their testicles is to get the taste of the
dog food out of their mouth.
The reason dogs lick their asses is because they know that pretty
soon, they're going to lick your face for giving them the dog food
to eat!
Why is a lazy, young dog like a hill?
Because it's a slow pup.
Two dogs had chased a third dog for hours in the hot sun.
Dog 1: Ain't this a bitch?
Dog 2: It sure as hell better be!
How are dogs better than kids?
If you get tired of your dog, you can put it to sleep.
I don't know about other folks, but I do it semi-dogstyle.
I don't lick my dick when I get thru..
Why does a dog lick his balls?
Nope, not because he can, but because he can't make a fist
Two guys watching a dog licking his balls, "Geez, I sure
wish I could do that."
"Well, you should probably pet him first..."
Why is that dog running in circles?
It's a watchdog, and it's winding itself up.
Newsflash: The first all white dalmation has been spotted.
What is the difference between a dog losing his hair and a man
painting a small building?
One is shedding his coat, and the other is coating his shed.
Why does a dog lick its balls?
Because he knows that in a minute he's going to lick your face.
A dog will treat you like one of the family.
A cat will treat you like one of the staff.
A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a
friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise"
--Unknown
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
-- Unknown
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
-- Gene Hill
"In dog years, I'm dead." -- Unknown
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of
dogs." -- Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the
guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless
absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-- Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back
from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork,
half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-- Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult." -- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a
can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I
have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person
with pets." -- Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you
are wonderful." -- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone
should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore
him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is
one of the most fond memories!" -- Dr. Tom Cat
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your
face." -- Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
-- Edward Abbey
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of
his tail." -- Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as
the dog does." -- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself." -- Josh Billings
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -- Holbrook Jackson
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-- Andrew A. Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are
his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true,
to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such
devotion." -- Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not
bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great
Dane." -- Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed
contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are
nuts." -- John Steinbeck
When I come home at night my puppy is very excited to see me.
He jumps around and dances and I talk to him and love him with
kisses and hugs.
One night my husband, watching this ritual, asked why he
didn't get hugs and kisses.
I asked him, "When was the last time you did a dance and
twirled around when I came home."
An eccentric old woman had two poodles that she was very attached
to. One day they both died. She decided that in order to remember
them she would have them stuffed and took them to a local taxidermist.
"Would you like them mounted, madam?" asked the taxidermist.
"Goodness, no. Just holding paws."
A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store
every and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would
come in with the same order.
One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.
"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky!
How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but
I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops
in little plastic bags."
A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged,
and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender asks the man: "What is wrong with your turtle?"
"Nothing", the man responds, "This turtle is very fast. Take your
dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the
other end of the room and call your dog. Before your dog reaches you,
my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, wanting to see this, calls his dog over. The
bartender went to the other side of the bar and called his dog. Then
suddenly the guy picked up his turtle and threw it across the room,
narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall.
"Told you it'll be there before your dog."
At the height of the arms race, the Americans and Russians realized
that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up
the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with
one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog
in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in
the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter,
killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids
and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest
dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were
five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with
a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt
sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this
dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the
cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly
waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and
leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund.
But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the
Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.
There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief.
"We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our
best people working for five years with the meanest Dobermans and
Rottweilers in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the
neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and
the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him
forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house,
gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back
into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will
think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy,
"Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um..what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one
day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we
went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put
him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out
there!"
Seems there were a pack of wild dogs that roamed a nice
neighbourhood, leaving huge piles of shit for all the neighbours
to clean out of their yards.. everyone used shovels except this
old guy at the end of the street.
He just walked out with a mason jar and an eye dropper and
applied a small amount of liquid to the mounds and they would
always be gone by the afternoon, no matter how big. One day one
of the curious neighbours saw this wise old man coming out of
the market and just had to ask, "what is that magic liquid that
you use on those turds???"
"Bacon grease," replied the old man, "Just Bacon grease."
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives
ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out
light bulb?
Border Collie
Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund
I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle
I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the
time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler
Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu
Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants...
Lab
Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamut
Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound
Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer
I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound
It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd
Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog
Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is
smarter...
First Woman: "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for
the paper boy to come around and then he takes
the newspaper and brings it to me.
Second Woman: "I know..."
First Woman: "How?"
Second Woman: "My dog told me."
Two dog's walked into a pub. The owner leaned over the bar
and said, "What'll it be boys, arf and arf?"
To his surprise, one of the dog's answered, "We haven't eaten
in two days, mate, and wondered if you could give us an hand!"
The bartender replied, "Not after me last job at the lumberyard!
But if you'll have a drink I can still give you two fingers!"
One day when I was about 8 years old, my Dad and I were sitting
on the front porch having one of those rare Father-Son bonding
events. We had been talking for about 10 minutes when all of a
sudden, a dog I have never seen before, came up on our porch and
started licking my hand. I was excited because I loved dogs but
I didn't have one of my own.
"Who's the owner?" asked my Dad.
I looked but there was no name-tag.
"There's no name tag Dad," I replied.
"Does the dog have a Rabies tag?"
I looked and answered, "No Dad, he doesn't have a rabies
vaccination tag either".
My father stared at me for a moment and then asked, "Well then
Greg...tell me what state was the dog born?"
I was a little stunned by his question. So I said, "Dad, if he
has no name tag, if he has no rabies tag and if all he does have
is a small collar, then how am I supposed to tell where he was
born?"
My Dad hung down his head and slowly moved it left then slowly
to the right. He looks back at me and says, "You really don't
know how to tell from what state a dog is born?"
"No Dad," I answered. (I started to feel like I really let my
Dad down).
Then he said, "Okay, Come on, I'll teach you. Come over here
and stand next to me."
He kneeled down on one knee, faced the dog away from us, and
lifted the dog's tail.
"Do you see that "O" here under the dog's tail?" he asked,
as he was pointing to the dog's butt.
"Yes I do," I answered.
"Well," said my Father, "That means that this dog is from Ohio!"
One day two Newfies were discussing which was the best dog to
use as a retriever. "Buys, ya gots to get yerself one of them
yellow Labrador retrievers, but mind, ya gots to check his arsehole.
If his arsehole is too loose he'll fill up with water when he jumps
in and sink straight to the bottom."
The second Newfie says he'll keep that advice in mind and heads
off to a dog breeder in search of a yellow Labrador retriever.
"Buys," says the Newfie to the breeder, "I'm lookin' fer one of
dem Yellow Labrador retrievers."
"I have one in the kennel," replies the breeder and he walks back
to the kennels to get the dog.
The Newfie, when inspecting the dog, lifts up the dogs tail and
takes a look at the dogs arsehole.
"Buys o buys," says the Newf, "That old o-ring looks a bit slack
sure. This dogs gonna jump in the water to retrieve a duck, and
with his arsehole all slack like that he's gonna sink straight to
the bottom sure."
The breeder takes a look at the dogs hind end, reaches under the
dog and grabs it by its testicles and gives them a quick twist.
The dogs areshole puckers up tight.
"Sorry buy," said the breeder, "I had him adjusted for quail."
Let me explain my situation to you. I live in a fairly nice
neighborhood but there's this one neighbor woman who always
succeeds making everyone else's life hell. A group of friends
and I want to do something that while not necessarily violent
or destructive will scare the hell out of her, annoy her and be
remembered for years to come.
She has a dog.
Well, while I was in school, I had an apartment next to this
little old lady in Pasadena. She would call me up every night
at 10 PM and bitch about my stereo being too loud. I was on
the second story, and could see Rover's doghouse in her back
yard from my front door.
1) I got her phone number from information
2) I borrowed a tweeter, power amplifier, and test oscillator
from the stereo store where I worked.
3) I connected the oscillator to the amp and the amp to the tweeter.
Then I aimed the tweeter at the doghouse and set the oscillator
to about 21 kHz.
4) I waited with my stereo cranked up until 10 PM. She called
and again threatened to call the police if I didn't shut off
the stereo. She wanted to get some rest, she said.
I turned the stereo down, and waited until her bedroom light
went out so I knew she was in bed.
5) I switched on the amp and let Rover have it. As soon as he
started yelping, and banging his head against the side of the
doghouse, I dialed her number... "Will you please shut up that
dog so I can get some rest over here??? Sheesh!!"
6) The bedroom light comes on, and a few moments later, the back
door slams as she goes out to quiet the dog.
7) Shut off the amplifier.
8) Fido calms down, and she gives him a few pets, and then goes
back in the house.
9) She goes back in the house. The bedroom light goes out.
10) Return to step 5, and repeat as desired.
This worked well for me. I even got it to the point where I would
dial all except the last digit of her phone number before switching
on the amp. Then, as soon as Rover started in on his first yelp, I
could get the phone to ring. I know she KNEW who was doing it, but
she couldn't figure out how.
Finally, she put her house on the market. I waited until the SOLD
label went up on the real estate sign before going over and telling
her goodbye -- that I was going out-of-state to school anyway...
Every day the man came into the grocery store at lunchtime,
bought a big can of dog food, went across the street to a bench
in the park, and ate the dog food with a spoon. His strange habit
was noticed by a doctor who regularly walked through the park.
One day the doctor came up to the man and said, "You know, that
stuff isn't good for you. It can kill you."
The man shrugged. "I've been eating it every day for twenty
years."
The doctor repeated the warning, but to no avail. A month or
so later, he noticed the man wasn't on the bench for a couple
of days in a row. Another park regular told him the man had died.
"I told him that dog food would kill him," the doctor said.
"It wasn't the dog food," the man said. "He was killed in
traffic while chasing a car."
An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's
office.
"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighbourhood. They bark
all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging
through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some
new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and
your trouble will be over."
"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give
it a shot."
A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever.
"Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor,
shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still
up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one
it's hell getting him to swallow the pill!"
Why Dogs Should Be President
They work well together.
They work for the good of the pack.
They protect their young and their elders.
They do not kill indiscriminately.
They do not lie, cheat or steal.
They won't spend money redecorating the White House.
They do not read Newspapers, watch TV or give interviews.
Their clothes don't have zippers or pockets.
They don't indulge in fantasies.
They can be NEUTERED!
Three blokes are in a pub bragging about their dogs. Each claims
to have the world's smartest dog.
The first bloke says, "MY dog is so smart, every morning I give
him two dollars and he goes to the corner shop to buy me the
Herald Sun. He knows it's the only paper I'll ever read. He comes
back with the correct change. Now that's a smart dog."
The second bloke says, "That's nothing. Every morning I give my
dog ten dollars and he goes to the corner shop to buy me a packet
of Peter Jackson. He knows it's the only brand I'll smoke. He
comes back with correct change. Now that's a smart dog."
The third bloke says, "That's nothing. You know the corner shop
where your dogs go to? Well, my dog runs the place!"
Two farmers are shooting the shit out in the fields. The first
farmer starts bragging about how his dog can count. The second
farmer, not believing this, says, "Prove it."
So the first farmer says, "Ok Rex, go count the ducks in the pond."
So Rex runs takes off and comes back a minute later and barks four
times. The first farmer says, "Four ducks in the pond."
So the second farmer walks over to the pond and sure enough, four
ducks are in the pond. He goes back to the fields and says, "That's
bullshit, let's see him do that again!"
The first farmer looks at Rex and says, "do it again boy."
So Rex runs down to the pond again and when he returns he barks
ten times. The second farmer goes back down to the pond where, lo
and behold, there are ten ducks.
"Shit!" said the farmer. However, he still was not convinced. So,
he goes back to the first farmer and says, "One more time."
So the first farmer again dispatches Rex to the pond.
Moments later, Rex returns and begins to vigorously screw the
first farmer's leg and then he proceeds to pick up a stick and
begins shaking it like hell.
The second farmer gloats, "See, that dog can't count. He's gone
fucking mad!!"
The first farmer says, "No, No, you don't understand him. He's
saying, "There are more fucking ducks down there than you can shake
a stick at!"
While walking her pet terrier one afternoon, little Mary
bumped into little Theodore, who was out walking his Doberman.
"Hey," said Theodore as his dog stopped to scratch himself.
"Does your dog have fleas?"
"Don't be silly," she replied. "Dogs have puppies."
SLEEPING WITH DOGS
Whoever said 'LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE" didn't sleep with dogs. The
first thing you discover when you bring a dog onto your bed is
the striking difference in weight between an alert, awake dog and
a dog at rest.
Rule Number One:
The deeper the sleep the heavier the dog. Most people who sleep
with dogs develop spinal deformities rather than rent the heavy
equipment necessary to move their snoring canines to a more
appropriate part of the bed. Cunning canines steal precious space
in tiny increments until they have achieved the centre position
on the bed - with all covers carefully tucked under them for
safekeeping. The stretch and roll method is very effective in
gaining territory. Less subtle tactics are sometimes preferred.
A jealous dog can worm his way between a sleeping couple and, with
the proper spring action from all four legs, shove a sleeping human
to the floor.
Rule Number Two:
Dogs possess superhuman strength while on a bed. As you cling to
the edge of the bed, wishing you had covers, your sweet pup begins
to snore at a volume you would not have thought possible. Once that
quiets down, the dog dreams begin. Yipping, growling, running,
kicking. Your bed becomes a battlefield and playground of canine
fantasy. It starts out with a bit of "sleep running", lots of eye
movement and then, suddenly, a shrieking howl blasted through the
night like a banshee wail. The horror of this wake-up call haunts
you for years. It's particularly devastating when your pup insists
on sleeping curled around your head like a demented Daniel Boon cap.
Rule Number Three:
The deeper the sleep, the louder the dog. The night creeps on
and you fall asleep in the 3 inches of bed not claimed by a dog.
The dog dreams quiet slightly and the heap of dogflesh sleeps -
breathing heavily and passing wind. Then, too soon, it's dawn and
the heap stirs. Each dog has a distinctive and unpleasant method
of waking the pack. One may position itself centimetres from a
face and stare until you wake. The clever dog obtains excellent
results by simply sneezing on your face, or they could romp all
over your sleeping bodies - or the ever-loving insertion of a
tongue in an unsuspecting ear.
Rule Number Four:
When the dog wakes - you wake.
So, why do we put up with this? There's no sane reason. Perhaps
it's just that we're a pack and a pack heaps together at night -
safe, contented, heavy and loud.
A man carried his dog into the veterinarian's office. The dog
was limp and near death. The vet checked the dog over, and then
the dog gave a sigh and stopped breathing. "I'm sorry, sir, but
your dog is dead," said the vet.
"I want a second opinion!" cried the man, deeply upset at the
loss of his pet.
So the vet went into the back room and brought out a cat, and
sat the cat on the examination table. The cat walked up and down
the table sniffing the dog, then looked up at the veterinarian
and meowed.
"The cat agrees that your dog is dead," announced the vet.
Still not satisfied, the man demanded another opinion. So the
vet went out, and then came back with a black Labrador retriever.
He set the dog on the table and he walked up and down the
examination table sniffing the dead dog, then looked at the vet
and barked. "The Lab agrees that your dog is dead," said the vet.
Finally the man agreed there was nothing to be done. He asked
the vet how much he owed him. "$650," said the vet.
"WHAT? $650? Why so much?" asked the man.
The vet replied, "My diagnosis was just $50. The other $600 was
for the cat scan and the lab test."
One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an
old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from
his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I
walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and
fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and
I let him out.
The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway
and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to
his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his
collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to
catch up on his sleep."
A man was standing on the curb reading a newspaper, A great big
dog was curled up at his feet. Another man came up and inquired,
"Does your dog bite?"
No replied the man with the paper.
The other fellow reached down to pet the dog, which just about
bit his hand off!
I thought you said your dog didn't bite the man screamed.
That ain't my dog, Mister.
A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only. The bus
stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying a large picnic basket.
She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the overhead rail
so the picnic basket was above the man's head.
Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her. She quickly
declined as she was only going a short distance. Soon the picnic
basket began to leak. The man felt something drop on top of his
head. As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down across
his lips.
He tasted it, looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?"
She replied, "No...puppies."
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.
"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask
you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible
thing?"
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't
want anything to make her think she's welcome."
A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The
dog is wearing a Cincinnati Bengals jersey and helmet, and is
festooned with Bengal pom-poms.
The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll
have to leave."
The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're both big fans,
the TV's broken at home, and this is the only place around where
we can see the game."
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning
him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble,
the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch
the game.
The big game begins with the Bengals receiving the kickoff. They
march down field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a field goal.
Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and
down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've
seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"
The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for three years."
Driving down a winding country road, a man came upon a youth
running hard, three huge dogs snarling at his heels. The man
screeched his car to a halt and threw open the door. "Get in,
get in!" he shouted.
"Thanks," gasped the youth. "You're terrific. Most people
won't offer a ride when they see I have three dogs!"
There was this boy dog who was bragging to all the other dogs
in the neighborhood I'm smarter than you, I'm smarter than you.
This went on for a couple of days. One of the other dogs was
sick of it and asked him why do you keep saying you're smarter
than us.
He replied, "I'm going to the vet and getting tutored!"
A guy walks into a bar with a Chihuahua. The bartender
says, "Hey, get out of here with that mutt!"
The guy says, "Sir, this isn't just any dog...this dog
can play the piano!"
The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano,
you both can stay...and have a drink on the house!"
So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog
starts playing. Ragtime, blues, jazz, torch songs, even
Mozart. The bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.
Suddenly, a bigger Chihuahua runs in, grabs the smaller
dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out.
The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"
The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted
him to be a doctor."
On a country road, a speeder hit and killed a dog. The dog's
owner stood nearby, a gun in his hand.
The speeder said, "Looks as if I killed your dog."
"Sure does."
"I'm sorry. Was it a valuable dog?"
"I wouldn't say that."
"Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars. Would that be enough?"
"Well, I don't know."
"Two hundred dollars. That should do it."
"Sounds good."
The speeder reached into his pocket and came up with the money.
Pressing it into the man's hand, he said, "I'm sorry I spoiled your
plans to go hunting."
"I wasn't going hunting. I was heading out to the woods to shoot
that mangy dog."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over.
Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over
the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.
"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed
to me."
What is a dog?
Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of
furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but
they don't hear you when you are in the same room.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give
you a kiss.
Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats
HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH A NEW PUPPY:
1. Remove film from box and load camera
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
4. Choose a suitable background for photo
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose
13. Put magazines back on coffee table
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say,
"No, No, outside!!"
17. Fix a drink
18. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy
'Sit' and 'Stay' the first thing in the morning.
This explains why dogs sniff each other's backside
The dogs they had a meeting,
And they come from near and far,
Some came on bicycles,
And some of them came by car.
Y'know, before they could enter,
Or even take a look,
They had to take their asshole off,
And hang it on a hook.
But before they even got seated,
Every mother, pup, and sire,
An old dog hollered from the back,
"Run for your life. It's a FIRE!"
The crowd of dogs began to panic,
And nobody stopped to look.
They grabbed the nearest asshole,
Off the very nearest hook.
And this is why, even today,
A dog will drop a nice juicy bone,
And go to smell another dog's ass,
To see if it's not his own.
DOGGIE PLEDGE
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast
food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the
house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not eat other animals' poop.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard
after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom
end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones, or my
people will think I am haemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when
it's raining outside.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is
sitting on the toilet.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard
with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's
license and car registration.
I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the
coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
You know you're a dog lover when...
You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.
Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.
You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places
around the house, but no babies.
The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the
kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.
You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because
there are nose-prints all over the inside.
Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your
significant other.
You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.
Your dog sleeps with you.
You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense,
but she understands.
Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you
(but not immediately afterward, of course).
You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.
You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.
You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.
You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.
You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than
go to the movies with your sweetie.
You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one
of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and
your dog loves to go with you.
You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for
pick-ups pops out.
You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you
can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog
sit hip-deep in water.
You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back
yard chirping "Meg, pee!" over and over again, while Meg tends
to play and forget what she's out there for (but what your
neighbors think of your behavior is yet another story).
You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day.
Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter
remedy from the drugstore.
Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber
and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the
bed by herself.
Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.
You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.
You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's)
You lecture folks on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.
You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore.
You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning
before work.
You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your
dog needs her walk.
You don't go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you
need to go home and see your dog.
Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog.
Your friend's dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding.
Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for
a hike (both days).
You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom,
in case your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other
dish is way down on the first floor...).
Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else.
You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken
(so your dog gets a taste, too).
You shovel a zig-zag path in the back yard snow so your dog
can reach all her favorite spots.
You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your
dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.
You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.
You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures
of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else
remotely human
Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site!
The Twelve Days of Puppy
(do you need to be told what the tune is?)
On the first day of puppy
The little dear made wee
On the carpeting in the hallway
On the second day of puppy
The little dear made wee
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway
On the third day of puppy
The little dear made wee
On my lap
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway
On the fourth day of puppy
the little dear made wee
Across the kitchen floor
On my lap
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway
On the fifth day of puppy
The little dear made wee
RIGHT IN MY SHOE!
Across the kitchen floor
On my lap
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway
On the sixth day of puppy
The little dear made wee
Beside his food dish
RIGHT IN MY SHOE!
Across the kitchen floor
On my lap
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway
On the seventh day of puppy
The little dear made wee
Halfway up the stairs
Beside his food dish
RIGHT IN MY SHOE!
Across the kitchen floor
On my lap
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway
On the eighth day of puppy
The little dear made wee
Where you�d least expect it
Halfway up the stairs
Beside his food dish
RIGHT IN MY SHOE!
Across the kitchen floor
On my lap
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway
On the ninth day of puppy
The little dear made wee
Just around the corner
Where you�d least expect it
Halfway up the stairs
Beside his food dish
RIGHT IN MY SHOE!
Across the kitchen floor
On my lap
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway
On the tenth day of puppy
The little dear made wee
Where we�ll never find it
Just around the corner
Where you�d least expect it
Halfway up the stairs
Beside his food dish
RIGHT IN MY SHOE!
Across the kitchen floor
On my lap
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway
On the eleventh day of puppy
The little dear made wee
Beneath the table
Where we�ll never find it
Just around the corner
Where you�d least expect it
Halfway up the stairs
Beside his food dish
RIGHT IN MY SHOE!
Across the kitchen floor
On my lap
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway
On the twelth day of puppy
the little dear made wee
ON THE COUCH SOMEHOW
Beneath the table
Where we�ll never find it
Just around the corner
Where you�d least expect it
Halfway up the stairs
Beside his food dish
RIGHT IN MY SHOE!
Across the kitchen floor
On my lap
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway!
A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that
Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a
red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly
by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad,
he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's
testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking
so gingerly.
Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice
fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would
pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck instead."
"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Crossbred Dogs
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller
Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband
Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Bloodhound + Borzoi
Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun
Maltese + any other breed
Maltese Cross
An Easterner who walked into a Western saloon was amazed to
see a dog sitting at a table playing poker with three men.
"Can that dog really read cards?" he asked.
"Yeah, but he ain't much of a player," said one of the men.
"Whenever he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their
pets. "The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great
Dane that used to play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but
finally a friend complained about him and I had him put to
sleep."
"You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog
like that would be worth a million dollars."
"Had to", he replied, "Caught him using marked cards.
Dirty Ernie was sitting in his second grade class when he
looked out the window and saw two dogs screwing in the school
yard. He jumped up and hollered, "Hey, everyone! look at that!"
The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind.
A little girl in the front row said, "Teacher, what were those
two dogs doing?
The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg, and the
dog on the bottom was helping him get home.
Dirty Ernie then said, "Teacher, ain't that just like life,
you try to help someone out and end up getting screwed?"
A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre,
goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes
adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside
its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even
seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits,
drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws
at the scary bits.
After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner, "Jeez mate,
your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"
"Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book."
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner
"Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of
laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked
the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very
powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.
In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent
to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried
to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some
candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was
sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use
that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent
that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed
a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor
besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed
to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly
doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would
you post that sign?"
"Because"; the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people
kept tripping over him."
MIND GAMES DOGS PLAY WITH HUMANS
1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU!
Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the
sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans
bedtime.
2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put
your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if
you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans
frantically search the house for the damage they think you have
caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely
nothing wrong.)
3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly.
Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare
blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what
they're talking about.
4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee',
sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if
the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate
of the earth.
5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick
the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time
and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well
if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing
every time a strange human walks by.
7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when
playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once
in a while.
8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet
them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think
something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until
one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your
time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go
off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee.
As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can
rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will
drive them nuts!)
THINGS WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG...
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to
be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent,
sit close by and nuzzle him or her gently.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt
thing and pout...run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joys of a long walk.
Piss all over the floor when you're excited.
Lay down and make a big production of licking your maleness
when your master has "high-toned" guests.
Rub yourself into really stinking stuff so you'll smell good.
If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what
you want.
Don't go out without ID.
Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by
piddling on their shoes.
Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the
crotch is effective.
When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon
as you're dragged out from under the bed).
If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
A sportsman went to a hunting lodge and bagged a record
number of birds, aided by a dog named Salesman. Next year he
returned and asked for Salesman again. "The hound ain't no durn
good now," the handler said.
"What happened!" cried the sportsman. "Was he injured?"
"No. Some fool came down here and called him `Sales Manager'
all week instead of Salesman. Now all he does is sit on his
tail and bark."
A local business was looking for office help. They put
a sign in the window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a
computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity
Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window,
saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist
and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked
at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got
the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog
and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked
determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog
jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have
to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded
to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted
over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on
the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign
says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog
proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs
and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented
them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally
dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that
you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting
abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put
his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you
have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face, and said, "Meow."
Several race horses are in a stable. One of them starts
to boast about his track record. "Out of my last 15 races,
I've won 8!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well out of my last 27 races,
I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but out of my last 36 races, I've won
28!", says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting
nearby listening.
"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but out of MY
last 90 races, I've won 88!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a
hushed silence. "A talking dog."
Apparently this woman's miniature schnauzer had an
infection in its ear. The vet told her that it was
due to an ingrown hair and that the best treatment
would be to remove the hair with a depilatory cream.
The women went to a drug store and asked the druggist
for assistance in selecting an appropriate product.
He went on about how some were better for use on legs
and how some were gentler and better for removing
facial hair.
He then asked, "May I ask where you intend to use this?"
She replied, "Well, it's for my Schnauzer."
He said, "OK, but you shouldn't ride a bike for two weeks."
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room
while his father was trying to read in the den. The family
dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of
little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl
loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as
long as he could.
Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and
yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play
something the dog doesn't know?"
A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog.
"This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for
five dollars."
The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this
talking-dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy
me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal,
never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the
richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in
the army and was decorated ten times."
"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He *can* talk. Why do you want to
sell him for just five dollars?"
"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."
A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them.
(Remember, this is the land of talking dogs.)
"What's your name?" she asks the first. To her surprise, the
dog answers "My name's Huey and I'm having a great day going in
and out of puddles."
She goes up to the second dog and asks "What's your name?"
The dog replies "My name's Duey and I'm having a great day
going in and out of puddles.
She turns to the third dog and says "I suppose you're going
to tell me your names Luey and you're having a great day going
in and out of puddles."
The dog replies "No, I'm having a fucking miserable day.
My name is Puddles."
Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your
dog's name was Mypenis?
- Mypenis ate my homework.
- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis
on a leash.
- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
- I love giving Mypenis a bath.
- At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.
- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.
- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited
anymore. He just plays dead.
- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady
next door.
- If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard
to carry.
- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
- Help! I can't find Mypenis!
- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for
Mypenis.
- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to
the hospital.
- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
- Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.
- When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.
- Stop kicking Mypenis.
- When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out
to be blown.
- Mypenis is truly man's best friend.
- Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease.
- People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when
standing at attention.
- Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.
- There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.
- I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.
- Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.
- Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis.
- Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night...
A guy walks into a bar with his dog, a little nondescript
terrier mutt.
The bartender tells him they don't allow dogs in the bar.
"But this dog is different", the guy says, "He can talk."
"Sure he can!", replied the bartender.
The man says' "He can! Ask him something."
The bartender says, "Ok dog what'll have?"
The dog sits up and says, "I'll have a light beer!".
The bartender replies, "Ok, now you, your dog and your
ventriloquist act can hit the road!"
The guy continues, "Ask him again while I go to the men's
room" as he runs off leaving the dog with the bartender.
The bartender says, "Ok dog what'll have?"
The dog says, "I told you I want a light beer!"
The bartender perks up, "Hey you really can talk! I'll give
you $10 if you go to my competition next door and order a beer,
spit it out in their face and tell them you like our beer better!"
The dog agrees, the bartender gives him $10 and the dog leaves
the bar.
The owner comes back and says, "Hey where's my dog?" The
bartender replies, "Oh I sent him on an errand, don't worry
I gave him $10 for his trouble!"
The owner gets a concerned look on his face and rushes out
into the street to find a crowd of people gathering around his
dog and another dog as they were engaged in a romantic interlude.
He grabs his dog by the collar and says, "What's gotten into you?
I've never seen you like this!" The dog looks at him and says'
"I've never had $10 before!"
A blind man was walking down the street when a dog comes up
and pisses on his leg. Anyway, he proceeds to get a biscuit out
of his pocket and feed it to the dog.
A man waiting at a nearby bus queue has watched this incident
and goes over to the blind man and says "I can't believe you're
giving the dog a treat after he's just pissed all down your leg".
The blind man replies "I'm not, I'm giving him the biscuit so
I can judge where his mouth his".
"What for ?" says the bystander. The blind man replies "Well
now that I know where his mouth is I can give him a good f**king
kick in the b*ll*cks !".
SEX IS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND
Usually everyone who has a dog calls him Rover or something.
I call mine "Sex".
Well, Sex is a very embarrassing name. One day I took Sex
for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for
that dog. A cop came along and asked me what I was doing in
the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said I was looking
for Sex. My court case comes up next Thursday.
One day I went to City Hall to get a licence for Sex.
The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a licence
for Sex.
He said "I would like to have one too!"
When I said "But this is a dog".
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
Then I said "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was
two years old."
He replied "You must have been a strong boy."
When I decided to get married I told the minister that I
wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until
after the wedding.
I said "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole
lifestyle revolves around Sex."
He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and
would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to
the wedding would enjoy having Sex there.
The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace.
My family is barred from the church.
My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoom.
When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a
room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex.
The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex.
Then I said "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night"
and the clerk said "Me too."
One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV.
He said "Show off."
I told him it was a contest and he told me I should have sold
tickets.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody
of the dog.
I said "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married", and the Judge
said, "Me too."
When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said
"Me too."
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had
more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the
other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and
she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble'' and I replied, "Well,
Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and
it's so lonely."
The doctor said "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't
man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog."
On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving
gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, and said,
"I bet I know what it is ... some flowers."
"How did you know?" asked the young fella.
"Just a guess," she smiled.
The candy store owner's daughter gave her a gift.
The teacher shook it. "I can guess ... a box of candy."
"Yes!" said the little girl. "How did you know?"
"Just a lucky guess," winked the teacher.
The liquor store owner's son approached with a large gift.
When the teacher shook it, the package started leaking.
She touched her finger to the leak and tasted it. "Is it wine?"
The boy shook his head no.
She tasted again, "Champagne?"
No, said the boy.
"I give up," said the teacher, "What is it?"
Replied the boy, "A puppy!"
This young girl about 5-7 years old had a dog which she took
for a walk everyday after school. Well, one day her dog was in
heat, so her father told her that she couldn't walk the dog for
a week or so because it wasn't feeling well. His daughter
became very upset and cried for most of the night.
The next day the father came up with a plan. He put some
gasoline on the dogs rear end to hide the cover the smell from
the male dogs. Well when the girl got home she was happy to
find that she could now walk her dog again. About an hour later
the girl returned without the dog.
The father asked what on earth has happened to the dog?
The girl replies: Well she ran out of gas a few blocks back
and is being pushed home by another dog.
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around
his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there
until it's his turn to be waited on.
A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his
purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the
counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put
its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the
butcher said, "How many pounds?"
The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two
pounds ground beef.
He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork
chops, and the butcher said, "How many?"
The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package
of four pork chops.
The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher
could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate
amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's
neck.
The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow
the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a
house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.
As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner,
"That's a really smart dog you have there."
The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the
second time this week he forgot his key."
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got
home and found my wife having sex with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second
triple scotch.
"No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on
the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender
asked him "What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her
straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to
pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your
friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in
the eye and said, 'BAD DOG!'"
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's:
a Poodle, a Terrier and a Great Dane. They're all discussing
what they're in for.
The Terrier says, "I can't help but bite the postman, every
time he turns up I'm after him down the path. The Post Office
has complained to my owners and they've agreed to put me down."
All the dogs agree that this is a great shame.
The Poodle then states why it's at the vet's. "Every time I
see a car I'm over the fence and chasing after it. It's great
fun, the problem is that a car I was chasing yesterday swerved
to avoid me and crashed, killing the driver. My owners have
decided that I should be put down so that I don't cause any
more accidents."
The Poodle and the Terrier turn to the Great Dane to hear
his story.
"Well, my owner had just had a bath" he says "she was bending
over in the bedroom drying her legs, and I just couldn't resist
it, I climbed aboard and had my way with her."
"So are you here to be put down as well then?" asked
the Poodle.
"No" came the reply, "I'm getting my nails trimmed"
At one time, economic conditions caused the closing of several
small clothing mills in the English countryside. A man from West
Germany bought the buildings and converted them into dog kennels
for the convenience of German tourists who liked to have their
pets with them while vacationing in England. One summer evening,
a local resident called to his wife to come out of the house.
"Just listen!", he urged.
"The Mills Are Alive With the Hounds of Munich!"
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it
was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The
producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and
it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a
porno theater to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he
took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be
in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared,
featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and
said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
A man went to see his banker and pay for the mortgage on his farm.
Now this man had the best hunting pond in the county and the banker
knew this. So, the day the man went to see the banker, the banker
asked, "Would you like to take me hunting out at your duck pond this
weekend?"
"Hell, no," said the man. "I would not like to take you out to
hunt at my duck pond."
The banker asked, "Do you like that farm that you are paying this
mortgage on?"
"Hell, yes," answered the man. Now the man wasn't exceptionally
bright, but he could tell what was going on.
With that the banker again asked,"Would you like to take me
hunting out at your duck pond this weekend?"
"Oh, hell, yes," answered the man. "I would be pleased to invite
you to hunt at my duck pond this weekend."
"I'll be there at 5.00 saturday morning," the banker said happily.
On saturday morning right at the ringing of 5.00 the banker was
outside of the man's house horning for him. Out came the man, and he
got into the bankers pick-up. Yes, even a banker knows you take a
trunk when you hunt.
"Where is your dog?" asked the banker.
"Oh we don't need him today"
"There's a thin sheet of ice over your pond and we need that dog to
get the ducks that we shoot. Now, please get your dog."
The man whistled and yelled, "Here! Fido! Hop in this truck" And
Fido hopped into the back of the truck and off they drove to the man's
pond."
They get to the pond, and are now in the blind. The sun finally
starts to shine a bit and the pond is black with ducks.
The banker slowly raises the gun, cocks it, and BANG!!!
Doesn't hit a damned thing. "There must be something wrong with this
shotgun," muttered the banker.
"Good try my friend, but you missed. I guess we must be going."
"No," said the banker, "you call up some ducks and I'll try again"
The man gets on the duck call and let's loose. All of a sudden here
comes a duck a by itself. The banker raises the gun, cocks it, and
BANG!!! Kills the duck.
"That was a good shot, my friend, now we can go..."
"Please send out Fido to get that duck."
"You killed that duck, sir, most definately..."
"Please send your dog out to get that duck and don't make me have to
ask again," said the banker.
The man whistles and says, "Fido, go get that duck."
And Fido trip, trip, trip walks on the water out to the duck, picks
it up in his mouth, and trip, trip, trip walks back on top of the water
and lays the duck at the banker's feet. The banker doesn't say
anything.
Instead he tells the man, "Call me up another duck."
The man gets out his duck call and lets loose again. All of a sudden
here comes another duck all by himself. The banker raises the gun,
cocks it and BANG!!! Gets his second duck of the day.
"Please send your dog out to get that duck and don't make me have to
ask twice," said the banker.
"Fido, go get that duck."
And Fido trip, trip,trip walks back out on the water to the duck,
picks it up in his mouth, and _trip, trip, trip_ walks back on top of
the water and lays the duck at the banker's feet.
The banker said, "I didn't say anything at first because I thought
that it was a damned trick. Did you see that dog walk out on top of
the water twice, pick up them ducks, and walk back to us on top of
the water?"
The man said, "Yes, sir. And I'm very embarrassed to say the
least...You know...I never could teach that dog how to swim."
Dog Property Laws
If I like it, it's mine.
If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in anyway.
If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
If I saw it first, it's mine.
If you are playing with something and you put it down,
it automatically becomes mine.
If it's broken, it's yours.
If it's in the garbage, it's mine.
If it's edible, it's mine.
It's mine it should be peed on.
Everything is mine.
#1 law
If I can't eat it or fuck it...Piss on it!!!!
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.
The first was an IBM employee who said his dog was an excellent
craftsman. His dog was named "T Square", and he told his dog to go
to the blackboard and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle which
the dog did with no problem.
The Ford employee's dog was named "Slide Rule", and he claimed his
dog could do calculations. He told him to go fetch a dozen cookies,
bring them back and divide them into four piles of three each, which
the dog did without eating a crumb.
The Bell Telephone employee said that was all pretty good and
started to show what his dog "Measure" could do. He told him to
go buy a quart of milk and pour exactly seven ounces of it into a
20 ounce glass, which the dog did without spilling a drop.
The three of them agreed that their dogs were all pretty smart and
all wanted to see what the Government employee's dog could do. The
government employee snapped his fingers and his dog, "Coffee Break",
strolled over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, screwed the other
three dogs, claimed he injured his back, filed a Workman's
Compensation form and went home on sick leave.
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie
bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to
them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can
have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie says, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
She says, "That's not creative."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone...cheese mine."
The Taco Bell Chihuahua and a few of his canine stars took a trip
to Tijuana. They went to a doggy bar and got a bit drunk. As they
crossed back into the United States, the border guard stopped them.
"Nationality" he said to Lassie.
"Aamerrricannn" slurred Lassie.
The border guard waved Lassie through.
The guard asked each of the other three Hollywood dog stars the
same question and waved them each through. When it was time for
the Taco Bell Chihuahua to pass, our little star showed the guard
his green card while wobbling from side to side. The guard studied
it carefully and asked some questions of the tipsy star. The
border guard was still suspicious so he said "I'll let you pass
if you can use three words in a sentence."
"No problem, senor" our little star replied.
"Okay, use green, pink, and yellow in a sentence".
The Chihuahua thought for a moment then said "the phone, it
goes green, green, green, I pink it up, and say yellow!"
During the gulf war, three men, An Englishman, A Scotsman
and An Irishman are captures by enemy soldiers. Their general
says to them that he is feeling in a good mood and will set
them free, but only if they sing a song which has a dog
mentioned in the song.
The Englishman starts singing "You ain't nothing but a
hounddog," as sung by Elvis Presley.
"Good" says the general, and the Englishman is set free...
The Scotsman starts singing "How much is that doggy in the
window"
"Good" says the general, and the Scotsman is set free...
Then the Irishman starts singing "Strangers in the night..."
"Strangers in the night?" asks the general "Where's the dog
in that?"
"You didn't let me get that far" The Irishman says "It's in
the chorus"
And starts singing the chorus,
"Scooby dooby doo be dooby doo doo....."
My friend said that he had dogs that talked in their sleep.
Sceptical, I went to see. In front of the fireplace lay a
hound fast asleep.
The dog mumbled "I've just written a best seller."
Later, he said, "I've just returned from the moon."
I was impressed and said so. "But, he tells lies," I said.
"Yes, he does," said my friend. "But that's OK. When you
have a talking dog, you've got to make allowances. I find
that it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.
A guy gets a new dog and he can't wait to show him off
to his neighbor. So when the neighbor comes over, the guy
calls the dog into the house, bragging about how smart the
critter is. The dog quickly comes running and stands
looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth
open in classic doggie-smile position, eyes bright with
anticipation. The guy points to the newspaper on the couch
and commands, "Fetch!"
Immediately, the dog sits down, the tail wagging stops,
the doggie-smile disappears; he hangs his head, looks
balefully up at his master, and says in a whiney voice,
"Oy! My tail hurts from wagging so much. And that dog
food you're feeding me tastes absolutely terrible. And I
can't remember the last time you took me out for a walk..."
The neighbor looks puzzled.
"Oh", explains the dog owner, "he thought I said 'Kvetch.'"
Pete, The Piddling Pup
A farmer's dog came into town,
His christian name was Pete.
A noble pedigree he had,
To see him was a treat.
And as he trotted down the street
'Twas beautiful to see
His work on every corner,
His work on every tree.
He watered every gateway, too,
And never missed a post,
For piddling was his specialty
And piddling was his boast.
The city curs looked on, amazed,
With deep and jealous rage
To see a simple country dog
The piddler of the age!
Then all the dogs from everywhere
Were summoned with a yell
To sniff the country stranger o'er
And judge him by the smell.
Some thought that he a king might be,
Beneath his tail, a rose.
So every dog drew near to him
And sniffed him by the nose.
They smelled him over one by one,
They smelled him two by two;
But noble Pete, in high disdain,
Stood still till they were through.
Then, just to show the whole shebang
He didn't give a damn
He trotted in a grocer's shop
And piddled on a ham.
He piddled in a mackerel keg.
He piddled on the floor,
And when the grocer kicked him out
He piddled through the door.
Behind him all the city dogs
Lined up with instinct true
To start a piddling carnival
And see the stranger through.
They showed him every piddling post
They had in all the town,
And started in, with many a wink,
To pee the stranger down.
They sent for champion piddlers
Who were always on the go
And who sometimes gave a piddling stunt
Or gave a piddling show.
They sprung these on him suddenly
When midway through the town.
Pete only smiled, and piddled off
The ablest, white or brown.
For he was with them, every trick,
With vigour and with vim.
A thousand piddles, more or less,
Were all the same to him.
So he was wetting merrily
With hind leg kicking high
When most were hoisting legs in bluff
And piddling mighty dry.
On and on, Pete sought new grounds
By piles of scrap and rust
Till every city dog ran dry
And only piddled dust.
Still on and on went noble Pete
As wet as any rill
When all the champion city dogs
Had come to a standstill.
Then Pete did free-hand piddling
With fancy flirts and flips
Like the 'double dip' and the 'gimlet twist'
And all the latest hits.
And all the time the country dog
Did never wink or grin
But blithely piddled out of town
As he had piddled in.
The city dogs a convention held
To ask, "What did defeat us?"
But no one ever put them wise
That Pete had diabetes!
There was a man who had a dog which he was attempting
to train with very little success. He was on the verge
of despair when he happened across a very charismatic
evangelist preacher. He unburdened his soul to the preacher,
who promptly informed him to leave the dog with him, and he
would have it trained in a jiffy.
The next day the man returned, and asked how the evangelist
got on. The reply was positive, and the evangelist called
the dog to give a demonstration.
Picking up a stick, he threw it and said, "Fetch."
Instantly the dog took off, grabbed the stick and returned.
The evangelist said, "Drop" and the dog dropped the stick at
his feet.
"Roll over," and the dog rolled over.
By this time the dog's owner was very excited, and asked if
he can have a try.
"Sure," replied the evangelist.
"Heel," commanded the owner and the dog lifted one paw,
placed it on the man and said, "I command this sickness to
leave you..."
Things Dogs Don't Understand...
1. It's not a laugh to practice woofing at 3am.
2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.
3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's soaking wet.
4. The command "SHUT THE BLOODY FUCK UP!" means just that.
5. The cat has every right to be in the sitting room.
6. Crapping on the carpet is not something deserving of a biscuit.
7. Barking at guests ten minutes after they've arrived is stupid.
8. No, we said SIT!
9. I know it's a nice leg, but don't ride it.
10. Getting up DOESN'T mean Walkies.
11. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.
12. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm NOT going to
give in and feed you. NOT. NOT. Oh, ok. just this once.
October, 1993--Europa Times
"We will not have him put down. Lucky is basically a damn
good guide dog," Ernst Gerber, a dog trainer from Wuppertal
told reporters. "He just needs a little brush-up on some
elementary skills, that's all."
Gerber admitted to the press conference that Lucky, a German
shepherd guide-dog for the blind, had so far been responsible
for the deaths of all four of his previous owners. "I admit
it's not an impressive record on paper. He led his first owner
in front of a bus, and the second off the end of a pier. He
actually pushed his third owner off a railway platform just
as the Cologne to Frankfurt express was approaching and he
walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, before abandoning
him and running away to safety. But, apart from epileptic
fits, he has a lovely temperament. And guide dogs are
difficult to train these days."
Asked if Lucky's fifth owner would be told about his previous
record, Gerber replied, "No. It would make them nervous, and
would make Lucky nervous. And when Lucky gets nervous he's
liable to do something silly."
A young lad from the city went to visit his uncle the
farmer. For the first few days, the uncle showed him all
the usual things, chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three
days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting
bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse
him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun,
take the dogs and go shooting?"
This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm,
off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?", asked the uncle.
"It was great!", exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
Once there was a guy who had a terrible stutter. Finally he
went to a speech therapist who gave him one simple instruction:
force yourself to speak very slowly; formulate your ideas and
take all the time you want to say it. The guy considered this
to be a reasonable idea and agreed to try it. The therapist
told him to speak that way until their next appointment and at
that time they would evaluate his progress.
The next appointment arrived and the guy walked in depressed
and completely dejected.
"What happened?" asked the therapist.
"Well...," responded the guy, "the...week...started...very...
well."
"Yes, go on," said the therapist.
"I...had...a...date...with...my...girl...friend...and...
now...she's...mad...at...me."
"Please tell me about it," encouraged the therapist.
"Well," said the guy, "we...were...sitting...on...the...
sofa...watching...t...v...and...her...dog...was...sitting...
next...to...us...on...the...floor."
"Yes, go on," said the therapist.
"The...dog...began...scratching...himself...behind...
his...ear...so...I...said...that...would...be...nice...
if...you...did...the...same...thing...to...me."
"And did she?" asked the therapist.
"Well...by...the...time...I...got...the...whole...
sentence...out...the...#!!#*...dog...was...licking...
his...crotch."
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him,
"My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look
at its eyes.
"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him
down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.
"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
Dog haiku ...
I love my master.
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
in the sunshine, happier than
You will ever be.
Today I sniffed
Many dog butts -- I celebrate
By kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
Paperboy come to kill us all --
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Mailman Fiend come to kill us all --
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Meter-reader come to kill us all --
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Garbage man come to kill us all --
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Neighbor cat comes to kill us all --
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot --
Sniff this and weep.
How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.
I hate my choke chain!
Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot -- no greater bliss
Maybe catching cats.
Look into my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much as I do.
The cat is not all
bad -- She fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.
Dig under fence--why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
You may call them fleas,
But they are far more--I call
Them a vocation.
My owner's mood is
Romantic-lie near their Feet.
I fart a big one.
I drool on command
Share your dinner or get damp
The supply - endless!
In your next lifetime
When you have found happiness
I'm there with a hose
In vision, how like
An Angel, In form, like a God
Holding the can-opener.
"What is it?" Unknown.
All that I know: It was yours,
And now it is mine.
The fuzzy-tailed rat
Runs up a tree, chattering.
Life is so unfair.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry
for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but
I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied,"Well, the first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help
my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between
the two women.
"Could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."
The counselor called and told us that our son was sleeping
with a stray dog. "What about the smell?" we asked.
The counselor answered, "The dog seems to be getting used
to it."
Judith walked into her living room and saw her brother
playing chess with their dog.
"Amazing!" she sputtered. "This must be the smartest dog in
the history of the world!"
"He's not so smart," her brother mumbled. "I've beaten him
three out of five games so far."
A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a blank
form and wrote, "Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof...woof."
The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There are only nine
words here," he said. "You could send another 'woof' for the same
price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would be silly."
As judges at dog shows well know, distinguishing between a chihuahua
and a mastiff is a difficult, perplexing and confusing job. The tricky
task is somewhat easier if the two animals are side by side, but with
study and practice, the distinction can be made even when the dogs are
viewed one by one.
There are two subtle points of distinction:
1) The nose. The mastiff's nose is blunt, while the chihuahua's is pointy.
2) The ears. The mastiff's ears are floppy. The chihuahua's are sharp,
upright and pointy.
If, after examing ears and nose, you are still in doubt, there is yet
another method of distinguishing between a mastiff and a chihuahua.
This technique involves two steps.
1) Sit on the dog.
2) Arise and examine the dog.
If the animal is alive and well, you are dealing with a mastiff.
If the dog is not, then what you had was a chihuahua.
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was
in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman
stared at the animal. wondering if his imagination could be playing
tricks.
The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is part
of my job."
"Incredible!" muttered the man. "I can't believe it! I'm going
to tell your boss what a prize he has in you. An animal that can
talk!"
"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out
I can talk, he make me answer the phone as well!"
THE CREATION STORY AS TOLD BY A DOG
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially
the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour
for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might
or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog
healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
Three dogs were gathered outside the local meat market
salivating over the side of beef in the window. A banker's dog,
a criminal's dog, and a farmer's dog. They were discussing ways
to get their paws on the side of beef.
First, the banker's dog says, "Why don't we go in and offer
to pay for the side of beef on an installment plan, interest
rates are low right now and I know I can get us a good deal."
The criminal's dog says, "No, that would take too long...
why don't we just run in there, you distract him and I'll
grab it and run."
Finally, the farmer's dog says, "I have a better idea. Why
don't we just sit out here and whine...they'll give it to us."
Rules For Dogs
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge
across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If
the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and
growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark,
a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their
house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in
their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep
waking up in the middle of the night and earring your protective bark,
bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately
before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to
fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and
upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so
they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of
each hole, maybe they'll hink it's gophers. There are never enough
holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this
problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the
family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your
duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially
when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the
floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as
much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your
master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all
your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use
the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch
them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.
NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while
playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper
that's placed in the driveway every morning for that
purpose.
Doggie Dictionary:
LEASH:
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your
people where you want them to go.
DOG BED:
Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest
room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL:
Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do
this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and
let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF:
A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose
as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply,
repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. This
can also be done to human's crotches.
GARBAGE CAN:
A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your
ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the
lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with
margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy
crusts of bread.
BICYCLES:
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat.
To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash
out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then
swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS:
This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in
and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the
person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER:
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain
amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them
of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes
wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET:
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy
wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the
papers all over the house until your person comes home
SOFAS:
Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to
run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH:
This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and
themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN:
Every good ACD's response to the command "sit!" especially if
your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective
before black-tie events.
BUMP:
The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a
fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP:
A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get
the attention you require... especially effective when combined with
The Sniff. See above.
LOVE:
Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.
If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. If not, you can
always sniff their crotches.
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned
to visit on his vacation.
He wrote:
I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed
and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him
in my room with me at night?
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been
operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never
had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the
walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for
being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a
hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if
your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't
bring that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he
can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll
give you a hundred bucks."
The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of
a house?"
"Roof!"
"Right, and what's on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark!"
"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred
in twenties."
The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here
before I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and
says, "Do you think I should have said 'Dimaggio'?"
A highly timid Casper Milquetoast, a little man, ventured into a
biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "...ah, err,
which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the
parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing
out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at
the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous,
"I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in hell kind of
dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."
"Bullshit!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my
Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. OK, the dog can come into the house but only with certain rules.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture.
5. Fine. The dog is allowed on all furniture but is not allowed to
sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. OK, the dog is allowed to sleep on the bed but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever it wants but not under
the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
The Difference Between Dogs and Cats
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me,
provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care
of me...They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me,
provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care
of me...I must be a God!
Dog Commandments
Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.
Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.
Thou shalt not roll in any smelley stuff thy finds in the yard.
Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking
and popping noises.
Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.
Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.
Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.
Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat's litter box.
Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox. (she
likes her privacy)
Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if
thou has been offended by me.
Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time.
(thou has been neutered)
Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.
Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.
Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2am.
Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while
I am sleeping.
A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a
round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on
the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little
dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.
The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That
dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults," says the man.
"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many
does he do?"
"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in
the ass."
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