Cow Jokes

Cow Jokes



What do you call a cow eating a Polo?
Mints beef...



What do you call a cow with a corn on its foot?
corned beef



What do you get from a forgetful cow?
Milk of Amnesia!



What do you call a cow spying on another cow?
A steak out.



What does a cow say when she has a cold?
Mooocus.



What kind of milk makes you blink?
Past eur ized



What do you get when you cross a cow with a belly dancer?
A milkshake.


What makes a bull sweat most?
A tight jersey...



What do you call a cow under 100lbs? 
Skim
 

In a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, 
but the bull charges.



What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.



But where does dragon milk come from?
Short-legged cows.



  A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.
  I replied in a  psychotic tone, I didn't know there were any 
witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."


          
How do you tell the difference between a cow and a bull?
Milk them both. The one that smiles is the bull.



What happens to a cow when it gives birth? 
It gets de-calf-inated.



What happened to the cow who ate too many blueberries? 
It mooed indigo.



What's the difference between an angry crowd and a cow with a 
 sore throat?
One boos madly, and the other moos badly.



What's the difference between the War of the Roses and dark cows? 
One is a crown battle and the other is brown cattle.



What do cattle athletes take to make themselves stronger? Steeroids.



Sign on the gate at the cattle ranch:
"Bull calves , $5 each. Nose rings attached."



1st cow: Moo !
2nd cow: Baa !
1st cow: Baa ??
2nd cow: I'm learning a new language



Cow 1: Moo.
Cow 2: Baa.
Cow 1: I didn't know you were bilingual.

Cow 1: Moo.
Cow 2: Baa.
Cow 1: Don't change the subject!



  Farmer Fred had a problem arise when, upon preparing his prize 
bull for market, the barn door slammed shut cutting the tail off 
the bull.  His prize bull was to be sold that very day, yet now 
Farmer Fred couldn't wholesale him or retail him



  If a plane were to fly over and drop a small bomb in a field and
that bomb did not explode but a bull wandered over and swallowed
the bomb -- can you provide a single word to describe the scene?
 a bomb in a bull.



What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?
Beef Strokinov.



Which cow is the best at infomercials?
Howard Cowsells



Who's the Chief Editor of Playbull?
Hugh Heffer.



What do cows put in the coffee?
Calf and calf.



Where are the best grazing fields in the U.S. ?
In Cowlifornia.



Where do cows go to eat, after they get tired of grass?
A calfeteria.



What is a bulldozer?
A sleeping bull.



What did the bull say to the nearsighted milkmaid?
"Mooooooooooooooooooo."



Where does a rancher record his inventory?
In a cattle-log.
 

  
what do you call it when you get the feeling you've heard 
this same bull before??   
Deja Moo!



  One farmer says to another farmer that he had to shoot 
one of his cows?
  "Was it mad?" asks the other farmer.
  The farmer replied, "Well it wasn't very happy about it".



Why do they put bells on cows? 
Because their horns don't work!



Why is it such a drag to screw a cow?
You have to climb down from the stump, and walk all the way 
around every time you want to kiss her.



What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
A Milk Dud.



What is a cow's favorite song?
Mooooody Blues.



What do ya call a cow with no legs?
GROUND BEEF.


What do ya calla cow with 3 legs?
LEAN BEEF.



What do you get from a forgetful cow?
Milk of Amnesia.



When is the best time to milk a cow?
When she is in the mooooood.



What do you get from a dry cow?
Evaporated milk.



What do you call a cow that has had an Abortion???
Decalfinated



What do you call a cow with five legs?
A bull.



  An old bull and a young bull are talking in one field about 
the cows in the field next door.
  The young bull says " Why don't we run over there jump over 
the fence and fuck some of them cows?"
  Old Bull, "Nay lad, lets walk down through the gate and 
fuck'em all "



  The bull Hanibal was grazing on a nice green meadow, when on the
neigbours meadow suddenly a beautiful cow appeared, "Hanibal, come 
over here, and you will be very happy!"
  The bull shook his head, "The fence is much too high."
  The cow tried again, "Hanibal, come over and lets play!"
  The bull resisted, "But there is barbed wire on the fence."
  The cow shaked her udder and ass, and suddenly Hanibal felt a 
very natural desire. He ran, jumped and really made it to the other 
side. 
  The cow sighed, "Oh Hanibal" 
  The bull responded, "Only Hani now."



  A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended 
to raise cattle.  Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch 
had a name.
  "Well," said the would-be-cattleman. I wanted to call it the 
Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, 
and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the 
Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
  "But, where are all your cattle?"
  "So far, none have survived the branding."



  Morris and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go 
to the auction to buy a new one. Morris had to tend to the dairy 
and couldn't leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city 
to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train 
back to the farm, then she and Morris would go to town with the 
truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.
  The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found
herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she
had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.
  Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. "Please, 
Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just vunce?" pleaded 
Lena.
  "Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband a 
telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the 
street."
  At the Telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how many words can 
I send to my husband for a dime?"
  "It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered.
  Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK, here's da 
message: "COMFORTABLE "

 

  The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, 
met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. 
Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never 
seen such a thing.
  The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which 
whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched 
out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted 
countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer 
who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.
  Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, 
stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was 
quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him - 
he sauntered in.
  "Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
  The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient 
tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with 
horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other 
times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of 
acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. 
Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. 
But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause 
it's a horse."



  A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow 
the money from  the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by 
a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer 
complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at 
the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at 
the bull.
  The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The 
farmer looks very pleased:  "The bull has serviced all my cows, 
broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows."
  "Wow," says the banker, "What did the vet do to that bull?"
  "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
  "What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
  "I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like 
chocolate."

 

  A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm
country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the
hood to see if he could find out what had happened.
  A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been
grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside
the man.
  After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like a 
bad carburetor to me." Then she walked back into the field and began
grazing again.
  Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed 
where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?" 
he asked.
  The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? That's old Bessie."
  The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said,
'Looks like a bad carburetor to me.'"
  The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son. 
She don't know a thing about cars."



  Have you heard about the five young bulls who were standing in the 
pasture discussing what they wanted to be when they grew up?
  The first said he wanted to go to Rome and become a papal bull.
  The second said he wanted to go to New York and become a bull on 
Wall Street.
  The third wanted to go to the windy city to become a Chicago Bull.
  The fourth said he wanted to go to Beijing and be a bull in a 
China shop.
  The fifth said he was just going to stay in the pasture for heifer 
and heifer and heifer.



  There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one 
named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female 
population and young George was pretty excited.
  "Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.
  "George, relax.  Here is how it works.  We'll wait until they're 
lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies 
in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.
  "Okay, I can do that." George answered.
  Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just 
like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there but Sam 
had a few more instructions.
  "Now George, here is how this is gonna work.  I'll start at one 
end and you can start at the other.  We'll meet in the middle,"
said Sam.
  "OK, OK, let's go!" said George.
  "Hang on George!.  One more important thing to remember. These 
gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect 
and be polite.
  OK?" said Sam.
  "Sure" says George.
  Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts
at one end and Sam at the other.
  George is pretty excited, but he remembers Sam's instructions 
about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say 
- "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you 
ma'am, thank you ma'am, Oops! Sorry Sam, thank you ma'am."



  A young man was driving along a country road on the way to see 
his girl. As he passed a field the idea struck him to stop and 
pick a bouquet of flowers. He had barely begun romping through 
the field when he became aware or a rather mean looking bull not 
far away, with head lowered and an evil look in his eye.
  Far away, leaning comfortably on the prudent side of the fence, 
stood a farmer taking in the situation. The young man called out 
to him, "Hey, mister! Is that bull safe!"
  To which the farmer shouted back, "Safe as anything! Can't say
 the same about you, though!"


 
  A city feller who didn't know the front end of a goat from a
magnolia bush was watching his week-end host's daughter milking 
her cow when a farm hand hollered, "Watch out, here comes the bull!"
  The city feller vaulted a fence for safety, but noted to his 
surprise that the girl never budged from her stool. Furthermore,
the bull stopped abruptly, snorted almost apologetically and meekly
retreated to his enclosure.
  "Weren't you petrified?" demanded the guest.
  "Not me," said the milkmaid, "but I reckon the bull was. This 
here cow's his mother-in-law."



  At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new 
bull nearly did me in today, partner."
  "Oh yeah, what happened?"
  "I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at 
me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!"
  "So, how'd you get away?"
  The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave 
me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over."
  "Man, that's scary. If it'd been me, I would probably have 
shit all over the place."
  "I DID! What do you think that bull was slipping in?"



  After much urging by his wife, my Uncle Joe applied for work on 
a farm. The foreman decided to give him a try and told him to milk 
a cow, equipping him with a stool and a bucket.
  An hour later Uncle Joe returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in
one hand and the broken stool in the other.
  "Extracting the milk was easy," he explained.  "The worst part 
was getting the cow to sit on the stool!"



  Two cows are standing in a field, talking to each other.
One cow says, "Hey, aren't you worried about getting that 
mad cow disease everyone is talking about?" 
  The other cow says, "Why should I? I'm a chicken." 
  


  Two more cows are standing not too far from the first two, 
One turns to the other and says "Moo !"
  The second looks at the first and says "Damn!, I was just 
about to say that!"



  Yet another two cows are standing not too far from the other 
four and one turns to the other and says, "Baaa!"
  "Baaa??" asks the second "Why did you say Baaa?"
  The first one replies "I'm learning a new language."



  A female Television Program reporter went to make an interview 
with a farmer...seeking the main reason that caused Mad Cow disease
  The Lady : Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information 
about the reason that causes Cow Madness.  Do you have any idea 
what might be the reason??
  The Farmer, stared at the lady and said, "Do you know that the 
Bull fucks the cow once a year?
  The Lady getting embarrassed: "Well sir, that's a new piece of 
information, but what's the relation between this phenomena and 
Cow Madness?
  The Farmer : Well Mam, do you know that we milk the Cow FOUR 
times a day!!!
  The Lady : Sir this is really valuable information, but what 
about getting to the point!
  The Farmer : I am getting to the point Mam. Just imagine, if I 
am playing with your tits FOUR TIMES A DAY and FUCKING YOU ONCE 
A YEAR, wouldn't you get MAD ??



  A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading down
the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's
stall states "This bull mated 50 times last year. The wife turns
to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that
nice!."
  They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull
mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says,
"This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month.
You could learn from this one!"
  They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull 
mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, 
"WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!! You could 
really learn from this one."
  The anoyed man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire 
if it was 365 times with the same cow."



If car dealers sold livestock, this is what an invoice 
would look like:

Basic Cow                          $499.95
Shipping and Handling                35.75
Extra stomach                        79.25
Two-Tone exterior                   142.10
Produce storage department          126.50
Heavy-duty straw chopper            189.60
Four spigot milk dispenser          149.20
Automatic fly swatter                88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery          179.90
Deluxe dual horns                    59.25
Automatic built-in fertilizer       339.40
4x4 posi-traction drive             884.16
SUGG. RETAIL PRICE                 2843.36
Pre-delivery wash and comb           69.80
Additional dealer adjustments       300.00
                                   -------
Total list price                   3143.36



IS UDDER SIZE IMPORTANT PART 1

  The latest fad to sweep the bovine world is cowsmetic 
surgery. Specifically, I am mooing about the alarming 
increase in the number of cows having udder augmentation 
via silicone implants. Many small uddered cows feel that 
this is needed to satisfy their bullfriends and increase 
their milk productivity.
  To all this I say phooey! Any bull who doesn't love you 
for what you are isn't worth a roll in the hay. And any 
cow who thinks an udder full of silicone will increase her 
milk production is just plain dumb. The noted sexpert 
Dr. Hugh Heifer has just written a most interesting 
article in this month's Playbull entitled, "A Cow Is Only 
As Good As Her Udder." This explicit article attempts to 
explain our new found obsession with udder size. Dr. Heifer 
states that high and low self-esteem is developed when we 
are breast fed as calves. A well running teat and full 
udder during nursing produces high self-esteem while a 
dry teat and empty udder during nursing produces low self
esteem. He concludes that the current crop of "Falsie 
Bossies" all suffer from "Dry Teat Syndrome" and are now 
augmenting themselves because of those early calfhood 
mammaries.
  To all this I say double phooey!
  IN THE FINAL ANALYSIS, IT'S ALL CUD!



  One day, a cattle farmer heard one of his cows lowing 
out in the mud pit behind the barn.  It sounded like she 
was in hard labor.  He went out, and, sure enough, it was 
a breech.  He tried to turn the calf around, but it was 
too late -- the legs were already coming out. All he could 
do was pull on the legs to assist in the birth.
  This field was right next to the interstate, and a red 
MG stopped, and a woman jumped out and said, "Is there 
anything I can do to assist?"
  The farmer said, "Yes, please!  Grab a leg and pull!"
  So they both pulled, and they were able to get the calf 
out.
  The farmer, very grateful, said, "Wait a minute while I 
run back and get my wallet -- I owe you for this."
  "Oh, no, I wouldn't dream of accepting any recompense 
for this service.  However, there is one question you 
can answer for me." 
 "Anything!"
 "How fast was the little one going when it ran into 
the big one?"




  A farmer goes to his local farm equipment store and 
tells the salesman he wants to buy a milking machine.
  "Certainly, sir.  Right this way," says the salesman.  
"How many cows will you be milking?"
  "Just one," says the farmer.
  "Oh," says the salesman.  "Well, sir, I really wouldn't
recommend a milking machine for only one cow.  You could 
milk three cows by hand in the time it would take you to 
set up the machine and clean it afterwards."
  "I said I want a milking machine.  Now, are you going 
to sell me one, or not?" the farmer replies indignantly.
  "Well, sure, I'll sell you one if that's what you want.  
Just making sure, that's all," says the salesman.
  The salesman shows the farmer the milking machines and 
the farmer picks one out, after reiterating to the salesman 
that, yes, he really does want the machine even though he 
only has one cow.  
  After he's rung up the sale, the salesman's curiosity gets 
the best of him.
  "Sir, if you don't mind my asking, why are you so insistant 
on buying this milking machine even after all I've said?"
  "Well," says the farmer, "I got a new cow a couple of weeks 
ago.  The first time I tried to milk her, I tried from the left 
side and she put her left foot in the bucket.  The next day, 
I tried milking her from the right side and she put her right 
foot in the bucket.  Then the next day, I tried milking her 
from behind and she put her tail in the bucket.  The next day, 
being fed up, I tied her left leg to the left side of the barn, 
her right leg to the right side of the barn, and her tail to 
the rafter.
  Now if you can convince my wife that all I wanted to do 
was milk that cow, I won't need this milking machine."



  The Government has just announced that there is a milk 
shortage. Well, plenty of milk is being produced, its just 
not getting into the bottles. And if that brings tears to 
your eyes, just think what its doing to the cows.
   


  This guy from out of town is driving through the country 
when he happens across two rednecks banging a cow.  He can't 
believe his eyes but carries on driving.  About two miles 
down the road he sees another two rednecks banging another 
cow, further down the road he sees another two going at it 
so he starts thinking that it must obviously be pretty good 
so he decides to try it.
  As he's about to come two rednecks from before show up and 
start laughing at him.
  Feeling pretty pissed off he asks them what the fuck they 
are laughing at because he saw them fucking a cow earlier on 
down the road.
  They reply "We know, but that cow's so damn ugly!"



  Fella was in the market to buy some acreage.  He found 
just what he was looking for, but it was a little expensive.  
During an inspection of the property, however, he found a 
hive of bees.  He told the owner that he was deathly afraid 
of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece 
of land. The landowner assured him that the bees were 
completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of 
it.  Finally, the landowner made an offer.  The buyer would 
allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under 
the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the 
farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be 
his for free.
  The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the 
risk. An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and 
saw the poor buyer slumped over in his bindings.  Fearing 
the worst, he ran up to him and asked him if he had been 
stung.
  The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No, but doesn't 
that calf have a mother?"



  There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow 
and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's 
bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to 
watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. 
"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy. 
  After a while the boy came into the living where his 
father was talking with some friends.
  "Say, Pop," said the boy.
  "Yes," replied his father. 
  "The bull just fucked the brown cow." 
  There was a sudden lull in the conversation.
  The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside.
"Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. 
You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and 
watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow." 
  The father went back inside the house.
  After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy." 
  "Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?" 
  "He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!"




   MY VERY FIRST TIME

   The sky was dark
   The moon was high
   All alone just she and I

   Her hair was soft
   Her eyes were blue
   I knew just what
   She wanted to do

   Her skin so soft
   Her legs so fine
   I ran my fingers
   Down her spine

   I didn't know how
   But I tried my best
   I started by placing
   My hands on her breast

   I remember my fear
   My fast beating heart
   But slowly she spread
   Her legs apart

   And when I did it
   I felt no shame
   All at once
   The white stuff came

   At last it's finished
   It's all over now
   My first time ever
   At milking a cow.....




THE TRUTH ABOUT GRAZING COWS

Dear Dr. Science,

  Hey, why do cows graze facing the same 
direction, anyway?

    Eddie
    Raleigh, North Carolina


Eddie,
  I can only offer a theory, but it's my hunch that 
cows are reincarnated Druids.  Usually, they face 
in the direction of Stonehenge, that arcane and 
mysterious circle of British stone.  They can no 
longer make sacrifices on moonless nights because 
they no longer have hands.  This is probably 
fortunate, if you have chickens or geese.  You'd hate 
to lose your barnyard fowl to some sort of ritual.  
The lack of hands is the cause of the rather melancholy 
expression one so often sees on the face of a cow.
  There are, however, still rural Stonehenges scattered
throughout America and certain parts of England.  These 
circles of corn or barely were nudged into place over a 
long period of time by patient herds of cattle -- the 
most religious, mysterious and clumsy of all barnyard 
animals.



  Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring
yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion
among them.
  First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled
our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now,
I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't
givin' him any of mine."
  Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3
years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine.
I'll fight'm till I run him off or kill'm, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
  Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only
let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you
fellows yet but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
  They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls 
up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT; the biggest
Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step
he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
  First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I
really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can
spare a few for our new friend."
  Second Bull:  "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay
on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking
for an argument."
  They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing
the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
  First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have
some of your cows and live to tell about it."
  Third Bull: "Sh*t, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he
knows I'm a bull!"





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