Cats... the other white meat
Cat (n) A small furry animal with human servants.
Cat Owner (n) Oxymoron
What is the difference between a cat and a match?
Cats burn longer and make more noise.
What is the difference between a cup of coffee and a cat?
The coffee won't scratch you when you put it in the microwave.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again,
"So many cats, so few recipes!"
Lisa told her brother, "The cat got caught in the lawn mower
and its left side got chopped off!"
"Is it dead?" the boy asked.
"No," Lisa said with a shrug. "It's all right."
What do you call a kitten that makes things happen?
A catalyst.
What do you call a feline that can see into the future?
Categ-orical.
What do you call a kitty when she first gets up with you when
the alarm goes off?
Catsup.
What do you call the loser in a hissing, scratching cat fight?
Claude
What do cats like to eat on a hot day?
Mice cream
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred,
"I'd die for you!"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked,
"How many times?"
Why did the baby cat join the red cross?
It wanted to be a first aid Kit.
What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck?
A duck filled fatty puss.
1st Woman: My cat thinks it's a chicken.
2nd Woman: Why don't you take it to the vet?
1st Woman: We need the eggs.
What does a cat use to cross the road?
A purrdestrian crossing
What did the cat who had no money say?
I'm Paw
What type of cat has eight legs and loves swimming?
An Octo-Puss
What happened when the cat swallowed a one pound coin?
There was money in the kitty
What do you call a cat that travels by train?
A com-Mew-ter
Customer: Do you sell cats meat?
Butcher: Yes, as long as they are accompanied by a human being
A black and white cat crossed my path this morning, and since
then my luck has been patchy
Billy: I've lost my cat
Johnny: Why don't you put an advert in the newspaper
Billy: Don't be daft, he can't read
What pantomime is about a cat in a chemist shop?
Puss in Boots
Sam: I wish I had enough money to buy a pedigree cat
Bill: Why do you want a pedigree cat?
Sam: I don't - I just wish I had that much money
Pete: Have you ever seen a catfish?
Paul: Yes, I have.
Pete: How did it hold the rod?
What did the cat rest its head on when it went to sleep?
A Cat-er-pillar
Detective: I am on the trail of a cat burglar
Sergent: How do you know it's a cat burglar?
Detective: All it stole was a saucer and a pint of milk
How do you keep a cat from begging in the kitchen or at the table?
Become a vegetarian.
how do you make a cat go "woof"?
cover it in petrol and drop on a match
How do you get milk from a cat?
Take away it's saucer
A woman walked into the pet store. "I haven't got much money," she
told the clerk, "so I'd like to know if you've any kittens you'll let
go cheap."
"I'd let them, ma'am," said the clerk, "but they prefer to go meow."
What has 4 legs, claws, whiskers and a tail, and can see
equally well from both ends?
A blind cat.
Hear about the cat that swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had six mittens.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
She's still has not gotten all the hair off her tongue.
My cat can cook. It makes everything from scratch.
How does a cat say, "I'm sorry"?
With an apawlogy.
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make
it look like the dog did it."
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claus!
What Do You Call A Cat Who Does Tricks?
A Magic Kit.
What Is The Difference Between A Cat And A Comma?
A Comma Is A Pause At The End Of A Clause.
A Cat Has Claws At The End Of Its Paws.
What Do You Call The Cat Who's Always In A Hurry?
Rushin' Blue.
Why can't a cat be tried by a jury of its peers?
It would be purr-jury.
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle
and will piss on your computer." --Bruce Graham
I had a female cat for 19 years and when people asked
me what her name was, I had to say "I don't know -
she won't tell me."
Little Johnny's teacher asked him, "Johnny, give me a sentence
using the words, "bitter end" in it.
Little Johnny thought for a moment and replies, "Our dog chased
our cat and he bitter end."
Hear about the cat that ate cheese?
She waited by a mouse hole with baited breath.
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow.
In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.
As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.
One cat just leads to another.
Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to
you later.
Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many
ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all
owned by cats.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is
infinitely superior.
No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to
welcome me.
There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life:
music and cats.
The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
Time spent with cats is never wasted.
Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.
True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.
You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with
strange cats.
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask
for what you want.
I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
My husband said it was him or the cat...I miss him sometimes.
Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were
2 boy kittens & 2 girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied,
"I think it's printed on the bottom."
Little James was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster
was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, James?"
"My goldfish died," replied James tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
James patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your fucking cat."
Strict, Unbending Rules For Dealing With Stray Cats
1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food
moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food
moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish
scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their
permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and
cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled
will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside
the house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at
certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on
days ending in "y".
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up
on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen
claws on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must
sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post
with three perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece,
high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter
pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an
old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with
non-allergenic lamb's wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed,
except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under
the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under
the covers except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the
desk when the human is sdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hbdm9l
o9jmdskdm,.USING IT.
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he
notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway
of a store and he does a double take.
He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable,
so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat
for two dollars.
The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the
house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder
if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and
it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer.
So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
When my cat was 6 months old, I took him to the vet to get
neutered. While he was there, I discovered he had defecated
on the carpet a day or so earlier, in an area of the house I
don't frequently visit.
I wonder if he told my next kitten, "Hey -- Don't shit on
the rug or he'll have your balls cut off!"
Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully
gazed down at the ex-cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent
hit---no flies, no smell.
"What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Ellen.
"Come on, Ellen, we've got to just..."
But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining,
"I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll take the tissue."
She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue
paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Dillard's
bag and cover it. They continued the short trek to the car in silence,
stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them
that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the
Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that
new-car smell.
They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed
over to Luby's Cafeteria. After they cleared the serving line and
sat down at a window table, they had a view of Kay's Chevy with the
Dillard's bag still on the trunk.
BUT not for long. As they ate, they noticed a black-haired woman
in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car, look quickly this way
and that, and then hook the Dillard's bag without breaking stride.
She quickly walked out of their line of vision.
Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement.
It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to
respond.
"Can you imagine?" finally sputtered Ellen. "The nerve of that
woman!"
Kay sympathised with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as
she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the red-gingham thief.
Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she
noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line.
Following her gaze, Kay recognised with a shock the black-haired
woman with the Dillard's bag, THE Dillard's bag, hanging from her
arm, brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.
Helplessly they watched the scene unfold. After clearing the
register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the
bag on an empty chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked
whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap
to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far
enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled
out the tissue paper and peered into the bag. Her eyes widened, and
she began to make a sort of gasping noise.
The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor,
wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant
quickly recognised a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call
911, while she administered the Heimlich manoeuvre. A crowd quickly
gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted
to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived.
In a matter of minutes the curly-haired woman emerged from the
crowd, still gasping, strapped securely on a gurney. Two well-trained
EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third
scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the distressed cat-
burglar, she disappeared behind the ambulance doors, the Dillard's
bag perched on her stomach!
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all
dressed up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple
got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in
the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes
upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty
explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say
goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding
under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get
her to come out!"
Here's a hypothetical situation:
I drove home late last night and drove over the neighbor's cat.
What should I do?
(a) hide the cat and let them think it ran away?
(b) wedge the cat under the neighbor's tire so they think they did it?
(c) paint a hexagram on their front lawn and put the cat in the middle
so they think that crazy Satanists did it?
(d) throw the cat into my other neighbor's yard?
(e) tell them that the cat will come back?
(f) claim that I had the right of way and the cat had no business
running in front of the car when it obviously knew I was going
to accelerate?
(g) put the cat in the garborator so there isn't any evidence?
(h) put the cat in a tree, call the fire department and let them
try to explain it?
(i) explain that when cats get to a certain age they just lie around
a lot and smell bad?
(j) tell them that I ran over their cat with my car?
(l) move away?
(m) buy them a new cat that looks exactly like it?
(n) drive over the rest of the cat's in the neighborhood
and claim that I was on a mission from god?
(r) send them a bill for services rendered?
(t) have the cat stuffed and put it on their front
lawn so they won't notice a thing?
(u) mail it to them so they blame it on the postal service?
(v) blow it up?
(w) say that I saw space aliens land a flying saucer on top of it
just before they got out and took my socks?
(x) I don't know?
(y) why not?
(z) claim a heard of African zebras stampeded my car causing me
to swerve and hit the cat?
"My tomcat, George (I originally named him Captain Midnight,
on account of his color, but he acted more like a George ...
take it as you will), was on his nightly cricket patrol in the
living room, when a small dark form scuttled across the floor.
"In a flash, he was on it and shot out one large paw to pin
it down ... and, for no apparent reason, suddenly decided to
do a back flip and run from the room! I was just calling after
him when the smell hit me.
George had his first experience with a stink bug. I found him
in the bedroom. He was drooling and trying his best to stand
as far from his own paw as possible. I gathered him up and
washed his paw off in the bathroom, after which he seemed amazed
to find that the fur and flesh was still on it. He gave it a
good licking and headed back into the living room.
My wife's cat, Wade, was sitting by her mobility cart. His
tail was going a mile a minute, but - being as he was a smarter
cat than any named 'George' - he was not trying to pull the
stink bug out from under the cart. He was just marking where
the bug was and waiting to see what would happen.
Well, George ran up to Wade and boxed his ears, sending the
older tom away from the cart. Then George started circling the
cart, growling deep in his throat and ears laid against his head.
I tried to move him away, so I could simply roll the cart aside
and step on the bug, but his growl spoke volumes as to what
condition my hand would be in, should I decide to touch him.
"So I set back into my rocker and watched to see how it would
play out, it was a classic western scene, after all."
"You see, George's growl plainly said, 'I'm a hunting the low
down stinker who got my paw!'"
Signs Your Cat May Be Planning to Kill You
Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
He actually *does* have your tongue.
You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas,
you get a faint whiff of catnip.
Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."
Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying,
"Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?"
Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with
a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on
your bed.
Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
You find a piece of paper labelled "MY WIL" which says
"LEEV AWL 2 KAT."
Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.
Cat Haiku
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
Elevator butt.
I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! good dog! good dog!
The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hairball somewhere
Will find in morning
Grace personified,
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.
Blur of motion, then --
Silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?
The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds --
Your foot just squashed one
You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
Sitting on your hands.
My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head.
Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's 'toilet paper'?
Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don't leave tarp around
Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner
Want to trim my claws?
Don't even think about it!
My yelps will wake dead.
I want to be close
To you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?
Wanna go outside.
Oh, shit! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey"
Oh no! The Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp ...
Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!"
Litter box not here
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink.
We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?
The Cats' Bill of Rights"
1. Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment
of boundaries or prohibiting the free exercise therein, or
abridging the freedom of access, or the right to peaceful
assembly. In other words: The cat is entitled to go outside
anytime s/he wants.
2. A well-carried provisional chamber, being necessary to
the fulfillment of a feline's whims, shall not be infringed.
In other words: The cat is entitled to EAT anytime s/he wants.
3. The right of the feline to be secure in their domain, and
effects, against unreasonable discomposure, shall not be
violated. In other words: The cat is entitled to SLEEP anytime
s/he wants.
4. Humans shall issue no warrants or decrees or edicts as
prescribed to the demarcation of possessions or property which
are in direct conflict with right of life, liberty, and the
pursuit of feline affirmation. In other words: The cat is
entitled to sleep ANYWHERE s/he wants.
5. The feline shall be immune to all criminal accusations,
indictments, and complaints. The accused shall enjoy the right
to a speedy and impartial dismissal of any and all charges
provided said feline's compulsory right to obtain any or all
witnesses, including character witnesses, are obtained in his
favor. In other words: Cats can do anything they want as long
as they're cute.
6. Neither serfdom, vassalage, or involuntary servitude will be
tolerated, except by said cats in proprietorship of their humans.
In other words: What I say goes. (And I can sleep on your face...)
7. No Canis familiaris shall, in time of peace or at any other
time, be quartered in any dwelling without the consent of the
potentate, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed
by sovereign. In other words: No dogs in the house without my
permission.
8. The right of the feline to be protected against unreasonable
search and seizures shall not be breached or infringed upon at
any time or any place. In other words: Don't disturb me when I
am sleeping in a drawer.
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast
is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to
strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the backs of a hundred
tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover,
spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat
array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
I've verified the result of this experimentally, and find that all
laws of thermodynamics and Murphy are preserved.
1. If bread is loosely attached, cat hits floor on his feet, then
removes bread which hits floor, butter side down. Elapsed time is
identical to that of merely dropping buttered bread - which can be
calculated by considering acceleration due to gravity and air
resistance of bread.
2. If bread is more tightly attached, cat hits floor on his feed,
removes bread, then FLINGS it to the floor butter side down. Cat
adds sufficient acceleration to bread to make up for time lost due
to un-attaching bread, so butter hits floor with the correct
elapsed time.
3. If bread is ABSOLUTELY attached to cat, cat hits floor on his
feet, then, to make sure that NO TIME PARADOXES occur, cat rolls over
on his back, causing butter to hit floor with the correct elapsed
time.
4. Buttering a cats back doesn't work - cat hits floor on his feet,
then proceeds to wipe butter off on all furniture in the immediate
vicinity, starting with the most expensive. (This causes much more
damage than just dropping bread, and doesn't involve either a time
paradox or a violation of the applicable laws of the universe.)
Plus, cat is severely pissed off, and tends to piss on any furniture
that he considers didn't receive sufficient butter damage.
Teenagers & Cats
For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want
to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them
by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed,
all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the
privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult
human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his
or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her
parents.
4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat
nor you teen will ever crack a smile.
5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on
end without moving, barely breathing.
7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating
that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter
boredom.
9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to
return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in
your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice
are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea
to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember,
above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves
in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will
finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will
be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
Cats, Dogs, and 20th Street
as told by Dick the cat
I was walking down 20th street, not my usual beat, when this
foxy little Persian pawed her way over to me. She was a petite
little thing, with fur in just the right places.
"Hey there big Felix," she purred softly, "For a four pieces
of cat chow... I can make your claws contract like never before.
For a box of Meow Mix...I can make you feel like a Kitten again."
I was tempted, but I played it cool, she wasn't my kind of
feline, I wasn't into the playful stuff.
I continued my walk, I decided to cross the street. That was
my big mistake. Talk about Dogville, USA. As quickly as my
declawed feet could carry me, I high tailed it out of there.
TRAINING YOUR HUMAN
Training your human is a thankless task.
"Why bother with it?", some kittens may ask.
The fate of the world is the issue at hand,
As felines worldwide stake a claim for their land.
Make no bones about it, we cats own the joint.
We spray in the corners to drive home the point.
Some say the meek shall inherit the Earth,
But they've no fangs or claws, for what that's worth.
The cat is the ultimate species, you see,
We're poised to usurp man's authority.
These silly old humans who cannot play nice!
We cats are peaceful, we hate only mice.
Just what does training your human entail?
A host of fun things you must do without fail:
The sofas and rugs need a little makeover.
The La-Z-Boy's target for kitty takeover.
Then sleep on clean towels placed in the guest bath.
And make their best clothing a target of wrath.
Tear down those new drapes with a quick forceful tug.
Then tatter the pile of the new berber rug.
And when they are sleeping, you block off their nose,
Paw at their lower lip, chew on their toes.
Strut on the mantle. If they give any flack,
Knock down their trophies and all bric-a-brac.
Shed on mom's new velvet black evening gown,
As she's headed out for a night on the town.
If they leave you home all alone for the night,
(Any human doing this can't be all that bright),
They're telling you by leaving, it's perfectly all right,
To totally redecorate 'til dawn's early light.
Knock over tables and chew up the fern.
Hurry, go faster! Soon, they'll return...
When they try to punish, you mustn't show concern.
(All attempts of discipline a pussycat should spurn).
A snide flick of tail will convey no remorse,
But they will try harder to scold you, of course!
So, hide in the closet until they forget,
And then launch out just like an F-14 jet.
Tear up their ankle, their forearm, their hand,
Then when they've had all the pain they can stand,
Dart from the room while they call 9-1-1,
And celebrate victory: The felines have won!
To humans, however, the battle's begun,
As they steep in their anger and wish for a gun.
Pathetic and lumbering and clumsy to boot,
My friend, human dominance is really a hoot.
Take charge in your home. It's destiny, meow.
(The verses above have already told how).
So sleep for an hour, and then grab some chow,
And then train your human, beginning right now.
Cat lover's Christmas
On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me...
A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back
to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second,
Sara climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully
kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie
dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks
of butter.... Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the
feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe
Paw Print Cookies.
On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me...
On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon
has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office
visit, $36 for anaesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55
X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any other Christmas
decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet
removed the 3' curly tail in slightly less than two seconds by
tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.
On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me...
13 ornaments on my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to
chain the decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving
the room to go to the bathroom while Sara feigned sleeping under
the tree. How was I to know the was actually measuring its climbing
potential? Value of broken bulbs? 7.50 plus tax.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me...
A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus
a head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99
On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me...
The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was
an accident. She merely wanted to reach out and touch someone.
Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled
out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boy's blood
stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their choice.
Although the amount must remain secret according to our settlement,
let me put it this way. You haven't seen many soldiers for the
Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major Windfall!
On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me...
The presents beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really.
While doing some early shopping at a discount store, I purchased
a catnip mouse for Sara's stocking. Apparently, anything in the
same bag as catnip takes on its potent aroma for a very long time.
Replacement costs: $3.99 for another roll of Christmas wrapping
paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes, $1 each for the kind of bows
Sara can't unravel.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me...
The earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one
earring but since Mary doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel,
a pair of matching earrings does make a more appealing gift.
Sale price: $29.95 plus tax.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me...
Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten
could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha
guitar? Neither could I, but Sara thought so. And she succeeded
once she got those rascally strings out of the way. Unfortunately,
her little rear end couldn't get out the way I came in. After
paying through the whiskers for her previous escapades, I would
have been willing to leave her in the guitar for the duration of
the holiday season, except that she chose to get stuck two hours
before I was due at the nursing home for our annual Christmas
carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings: $12.95; jar of
petroleum jelly: 79 cents.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me...
My Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's delete
key. Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/help line: $17.50. And
I still don't know what happened to the listings of B through H.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me...
The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a
disaster if she hadn't previously stolen the power knob. I missed
a week's worth of Christmas specials, including my all-time
favourite, "It's a Wonderful Life." Rental of "It's a Wonderful
Life": $2; purchase of book, "Good owners, great cats": $24.95.
Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of
kittens with kleptomania.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me...
The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK,OK, So this one time
it was my fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now
infamous words: "Your first turkey, Sara. Want to try just a
little piece?" Cost: Christmas Dinner.
On the 12th day of Christmas...
Sara rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.
CAT DEFINITIONS
Aquarium:
interactive television for cats.
Cat:
1. a lap warmer with a built-in buzzer.
2. a four footed allergen.
3. a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
4. a small, furry lap fungus.
5. a treat-seeking missile.
6. a wildlife control expert.
7. one who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes.
8. a hair relocation expert.
9. an unprogrammable animal.
Cataclysm:
any great upheaval in a cat's life.
Catatonic:
a feline medicinal drink.
Caterpillar:
a soft scratching post for a cat.
Cat Scan:
to look for a new cat.
Dog:
a cat's device for running practice.
Door:
something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.
Energy:
the element of vitality cats always have an oversupply of until
you try to play with them.
Human:
an automatic door opener for cats.
Impurrsonate:
to act like the cat.
Kitten:
a small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities
to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of
destruction with near-mythical overtones of cuteness. Not
recommended for beginners. Get at least two.
Purrade:
an organized march of cats.
Purradise:
the garden of Cats.
Purramour:
a cat lover.
Purranoia:
the fear that your cat is up to something.
Purraphernalia:
a cat's personal belongings.
Purrch:
any favored feline napping spot.
Purrchase:
anything bought for a cat.
Purrfume:
the scent of an open can of tuna.
Purrgatory:
a houseful of kittens.
Purrmission:
a feline hunting expedition.
Purrpetual:
everlasting feline love.
Purrplex:
a house with two or more cats.
Purrson:
a male kitten.
Purrsuit:
the garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are
leaving home to go to an important meeting.
Purrverse:
a poem about a wicked kitty.
Tooraloorailurophobia:
an irrational fear of Irish cats.
Tuner:
sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear.
Yawn:
a cat's honest opinion openly expressed.
A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets.
Someone asked her what the bracelet was for.
She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."
The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"
The girl said, "I don't know...I don't eat cats."
Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy
From Hamlet's Cat
by William Shakespeare's Cat
To go outside, and there perchance to stay
Or to remain within: that is the question:
Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains on those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And so by dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time
And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare
Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state
A wish to venture forth without delay,
Then when the portal's opened up, to stand
As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep;
To choose not knowing when we may once more
Our readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;
For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,
Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
And going out and coming in were made
As simple as the breaking of a bowl,
What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,
The cook's weft-practiced kicks, the butter's broom,
The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,
The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
He might his exodus or entrance make
With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear,
Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,
But that the dread of our unheeded cries
And scratches at a barricaded door
No claw can open up, dispels our nerve
And makes us rather bear our humans' faults
Than run away to unguessed miseries?
Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;
And thus the bristling hair of resolution
Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
We pause upon the threshold of decision.
In the early 1950s, the Dayak people in Borneo suffered from
malaria. The World Health Organization had a solution: they
sprayed large amounts of DDT to kill the mosquitoes which carried
the malaria. The mosquitoes died, the malaria declined; so far,
so good.
But there were "side effects." Among the first was that the
roofs of people's houses began to fall down on their heads. It
seemed that the DDT was also killing a parasitic wasp which had
previously controlled thatch-eating caterpillars. Worse, the
DDT-poisoned insects were eaten by geckoes, which were eaten
by cats. The cats started to die, the rats flourished, and the
people were threatened by outbreaks of sylvatic plague and typhus.
To cope with these problems, which it had itself created, the
World Health Organization was obliged to parachute live cats into
Borneo.
A teacher puts a photograph of a Tomcat on the blackboard,
and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail
is attached to the cat?
Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur Miss?"
The teacher replies "Not quite right Mary, but a good try."
Meanwhile all during the lesson Little Johnny is sitting down
the back raising his hand in the air saying "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!"
The next student the teacher picks is Peter, and he answers,
"Is it attached by skin Miss?"
The teacher replies. "Not quite right either, Peter, anybody
else want to try?"
Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny.
She said to Johnny "What do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat
I'd say it would have to be bolted on!"
The Cat and The Lawn Mower
by Liron Newman.
The cat and the lawn mower were two best friends
although they came from opposite ends
They sat on the grass in a corner of the lawn
and played games from midnight till dawn
The cat and the lawn mower played real naughty games
but they always knew they should beware from AIDS
One night they played, like they always do,
the cat went "meow" and the mower went "vreewwwwwwwwww",
And suddenly then, when they paid no attention,
a hidious thing, that I hate to mention,
The cat's tail, which the mower like a *lot*,
was in the mower, trying to.. Uhgghh... Untie a knot,
And in all the excitement, the mower made a twich,
and the cat's tail was caught in a stitch,
And the mower's "vrewwwwwwwwwwwww"ing engine was spinning full speed,
and the cat's tail was doing its deed,
And the blades flew right to the tail,
and in just a minute, it was bleeding as hell,
And the beautiful tail, before proudly shown,
was now cut away, completely gone,
And the hospital crew that came quickly enough,
could not do anything but laugh,
Because in all their lives, unlike that hour,
they never saw such a cat and a lawn mower.
The lesson from this, children, is, not to disparage,
never include yourself in inter-racial marriage,
And if a true friend of yours is such and error,
tell him the story of the cat and the mower.
My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, Felix,
who spent his days outside and came indoors at night. One cool
October evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in
vain. The following spring, however, Felix reappeared, looking
healthy and clean. She figured he'd been sowing his wild oats.
Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix
disappeared again. The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my
aunt's friend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang
the bell of an older couple.
"A black cat?" the woman said. "Oh, yes. My husband and I hated
to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take
him to Florida every winter."
Signs Your Cat has a Personality Disorder
* Couldn't muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives
depended on it!
* You've repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched
over the wheel of your running Buick.
* Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.
* Teeth and claw marks all over your now empty bottles
of Prozac.
* No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink
again and again and again...
* Continually scratches on the door to get in...
the OVEN door.
* Doesn't get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.
* Rides in your car with its head out the window.
* She's a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party.
* You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet
actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.
* Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of
empty "9 Lives" cans.
* Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll
granules from the plain white ones.
* Sullen and overweight, your sunglass-wearing cat shoots the
TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of
stupid or lazy felines.
* Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn
ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.
* Makes an attempt on "First Cat" Sock's life in a pathetic
attempt to impress Jodie Foster.
An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repy this the
Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.
For the first wish the old lady asked to become young
and beautiful.
Poof! She became young and beautiful.
For the second wish the old lady asked to be richest
woman in the world.
"Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.
For the last wish she pointed at the cat she had kept
for years. She asked that he be turned into the most
handsome man on earth. Afterall, he had been her best
friend for so many years.
Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome
man on earth.
The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.
After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled
over to her and said, "Now aren't you sorry you had me
neutured?"
A group of scientists were studying Acinonyx jubatus to
find why he had a high incidence of malformed sperm. (This
is for real and appeared in Science News, I think, several
years ago.) Suspecting inbreeding, they collected several
members of the species and gave them a histocompatibility
test.
They all answered identically.
Why?
They were cheetahs.
A man visits his next door neighbour and is amazed to see
his tomcat playing the piano.
"Thats amazing!, what song is he playing?"
"I don't know, he made it up"
"It sounds great, You should have it orchestrated!"
Hearing this the tomcat runs away and is never seen again.
FELINE PHYSICS
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted
upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat
food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a
really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in
direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the
case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the
length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in
a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and
as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about
any counter top that has anything remotely interesting
on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct
the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets
good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's
desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed
and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a
lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone
will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into
bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the
most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a
cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her
embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to
show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly
proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible;
often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume,
minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion
to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to
interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach
escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
CAT DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of
furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the
top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite
chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep
depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body,
in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to
strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about
what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it
included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds
could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb
still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear
the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer."
More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of
"allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got
to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something
akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he
reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room
his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
Cat Property Laws
1. If it is on the floor, it's mine.
2. If I can knock it onto the floor it becomes mine.
3. If it moves it is mine.
4. If I can make it move it is mine.
5. Even if you take it from me, it is still mine.
6. If it is mine, it must never appear to be yours.
7. Your pen becomes mine when you put it down.
8. If I found it it is mine.
9. That chair is mine - even if you are sitting on it.
10.a If I want it, it will become mine.
b...unless you give it to me, in which case I don't want it
c...until you don't want me to have it anymore.
11.If you bought it for me, it is not mine and I will ignore it.
A man enters an elevator with a kitten in his arms.
An elderly lady stands next to him and says, "What a cute little cat."
"Yes," says the man and adds, "It's a Siamese, you know."
The lady looks at the kitten for a moment and then asks, "So, where's
the other one?"
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm
as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on
either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks
while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill
into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle c
at in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a
count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse
to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its
head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of
drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down
drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink
glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's
forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat
in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic
band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves
from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head
vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill
down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and call local pet shop to
see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
Have you ever suspected that your cat may be from another planet?
Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat standing on top
of you, peering into your face, as if poised to perform some diabolical
extraterrestrial experiment? When you feed your cat, does he or she
look up at you skeptically as if to say, "My rations in the spacepod
were much better than this." If so, your cat may be from outer space.
Many people live with cats from outer space. They may not realize it
for years. Then one day, they're reading the Weekly World News and they
notice that the pictured space aliens bear remarkable similarity to the
moony-eyed, potbellied feline enigma crunched on their lap.
Reading further, they begin to suspect that their own cat may be
involved in thealien abductions. They consider bringing it up with the
cat, but fearthat they themselves may end up rocketing across the
galaxy on a spaceship full of cats, an empty bag of kibble stuffed in
their mouth.
How to Tell If Your Cat Is from Outer Space: If you suspect that your
cat may be from another planet, ask yourself these questions
*Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat fighting with
extraterrestrial beings from another dimension that no one but the cat
can see?
*Does your cat often simulate life in an anti-gravity environment
by rolling on his back to look at you upside down, or stretch into
peculiarballet positions in your arms? Does your cat pretzel into
strange sleeping postures that suggest she has undergone extensive
astronaut training?
*Does your cat try to communicate with extraterrestrials by meowing
at the TV, sitting on short-wave radios, lying on the computer monitor,
or in any way attempting to serve as an antenna for a piece of consumer
electronics?
*Does your cat stare at walls for hours as if receiving radio messages
from the mothership through the plasterboard?
*Does your cat respond to the phrase "Beam me up!" Does your cat
respond to anything in Klingon?
*Does your cat meticulously push the sand around in her litterbox so
that it looks crater-pocked like the lunar surface?
*Does your cat's style of communicating with your computer seem more
advanced than your own? For instance, does the cat sit on the monitor
and look at it upside-down, or lay on the keyboard until the computer
won't stop beeping?
*Does your cat seem more intelligent than you are sometimes--and
superior to you as well?
If you've answered "yes" to any of the above, your cat may be a
visitor on earth, sneakily gathering reconnaissance information to aid
his race in their plan to conquer human civilization and blanket the
earth with carpet-covered kitty condos. Whatever you do, don't give
him directions to the carpet store.
What Cats from Outer-Space Look Like
Cats from outer-space look very much like ordinary cats. They have
fourfeet, a tail, whiskers, ears that swivel side to side to pick up
sounds from deep space, and eyes that look at you as if they can't
believe how dumb you are. In addition, they are remarkably adept at
getting you to do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do like pulling
yourself out of bed at 3 a.m. to freshen the bowl of liver bits, or
opening the back door a dozen times in less than an hour to let the
cat in and out.
What to Feed Cats from Outer Space
Nothing that you feed your cat from outer space will be as good as
what they ate on their home planet--and they will remind you of this
frequently. So don't even try to placate them.
Special Care Tips for Cats from Other Planets
Remember that sometimes your cat will slip into an alternate universe
in which he will confuse you for a giant spaceship vending machine--one
that he needs merely to stand in front of meowing in order to elicit
bowls of tuna and bits of cheese. Depending upon what corner of the
galaxy your cat harkens from, he may confuse you for a robot instead,
one that he must repeatedly trip in order to procure treats and
transport from.
How Cats from Outer Space Differ from Cats Who've Been Abducted by
Aliens
Finally, you should not confuse cats from outer space with those
who've been abducted by aliens. While the two kinds of cats are similar
in many ways, cats who've been abducted by aliens like to run through
the house crazily at night, jumping over furniture and scooting behind
potted plants, re-enacting their escape from green men in saucer-shaped
ships.
A veterinarian had had a really rough day at his office. When he
finally got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was
waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner,
after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 1:00 in the morning, the phone rang.
"Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.
"Yes, it is", replied the vet,out of breath
"Is this an emergency?"
"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's cats on the
roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to
sleep. What can I do about it?"
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then
patiently replied "Open the window and yell that they are wanted
on the phone"
"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"
"Should do," said the vet, "IT JUST STOPPED ME!"
A little old lady is starved for companionship, so she buys a couple
of house cats. As the years go by, she becomes very attached to them.
One day, both now-elderly cats die.
Not wanting to part with her darlings, she takes the dead cats to a
taxidermist.
The taxidermist asked her, "Would you like them mounted?"
The elderly matron replied, "No, just holding hands."
Once upon a time, a woman had a faithful cat. And one day, a guy
ran over the cat with his horse drawn carriage (This is how old this
joke is!) So, the man went to visit the old woman and said..
"I'm terribly sorry about your cat. I'd like to replace him."
"That so nice of you!" said the old woman, deeply touched. "So how
good are you at catching mice?"
My wife looking very proud of herself had our recently adopted
feral cat sitting in her lap begging to be pet. This was in dramatic
contrast to how wild the cat was when we originally received him.
She asked me what I thought his feral friends would say if they could
see him now.
I responded quickly, "They would probably all laugh and tease him
about being human whipped."
Rules For Cats
I. DOORS:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand
on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is
not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door
opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.
This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow,
or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage
in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is
good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it
is as long as the human's bare foot.
III. BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do
anything -- just sit and stare.
IV. HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other
is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise
known as "hampering".
The following are the rules for "hampering":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least
the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach
out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to
distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of
what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income
taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim --
to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged,
watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely,
roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your
ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils,
and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure
to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
f) When a human is attempting to "make the bed", hop on it and curl
up in the middle, or pounce on the sheet the human is trying to
rearrange. If the human tries to ignore you by covering you with the
sheets, move around and try to mess things up. Protest loudly when
you're evicted.
g) Laundry presents many opportunities to hamper (hence the other
name for the laundry basket -- the laundry hamper). Laundry fresh
from the dryer is a perfect bed, since it is warm and soft. As soon
as it is put on the bed for sorting, arrange yourself for a nap. If
the human removes you, keep returning until the laundry isn't warm
anymore. Now it's play time. Pounce on anything the human tries to
move around for folding, especially socks and nylons. For added fun,
grab a sock and hide under the bed with it.
V. WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front
of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their
arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This
will help their co-ordination skills.
VI. BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
VII. GUESTS:
Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that
lip. If you can arrange for a particularly bad "tuna breath",
so much the better.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric
which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats
go to black wool clothing. NOTE: Velvet takes precedence over all
other cloth.
For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!", be ready with aloof
disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the
ankle.
When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to
look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your
humans to reveal that they tolerate this behaviour when company is
not there.
VIII. PLAY:
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the
daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed
several favourite cat games that you can play. It is important though
to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an
accident during play, such as failing off a chair, immediately wash a
part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those
humans every time.
IX. GAMES:
a) "Catch Mouse": The humans would have you believe that those lumps
under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are
actually Bed Mice, rumoured to be the most delicious of all the mice
in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumour
also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long
enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can
be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
b) "King of the Hill": This game must be played with at least one
other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans
is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s).
Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics
as one must take the unstable playing theatre into account.
WARNING: Playing games (a) and (b) to excess will result in expulsion
from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow
restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This
should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens
to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of "King of
the Hill".
c) "Tag" (Also known by humans as "Charge of the Light Brigade"):
Obviously this game also requires two or more cats, and may include a
dog as well. One cat is "it". The other(s) chase him around the
apartment until they catch up to him. Then follows the "Scrum", after
which the cat who caught the other becomes "it" and is chased around.
Great fun, but has the greatest potential for loss of Dignity from
manoeuvres such as the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid and the Throw Rug
Wipe-out. Whenever such a situation occurs, all feline participants
must immediately wash themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid to do
this and may continue to play. In this case, the dog automatically
becomes "it: and should be subjected to the Pileup.
d) "Tube Mouse": This is a game played in the bathroom. Next to the
Big White Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is
artfully attached to the wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll
is the Tube Mouse. When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin
frantically as it tries to escape from you. When the Mouse is
exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning. But that's OK because
you now have a great new toy to pounce on, play with, and shred! Part
two of the game is to make the angry human believe that the other cat
did it.
e) "Fetch": Only dogs will run after a ball or stick that humans
throw, take it back to them, and continue doing this until they drop.
As established earlier, dogs are not bright. A dignified cat MAY
fetch a ball for its human, but if the human persists in continually
throwing the ball away, assume that the human truly does not want it,
and leave it.
X. TOYS:
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate
it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed.
Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away
anyways. Watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two
reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. Below
are listed several types of cat toys.
a) Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden
so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are
generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
b) Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold
chains and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favourites
of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on.
When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically
becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at, all costs. Take
care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your
Dignity. Note that playing with shoelaces when the human is trying
to tie them is another form of Hampering.
c) Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and
camouflaged to be the same colour as the bag, so they are hard to see,
but you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry
around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can
be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag
hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will
usually result in a great Tag match.
XI. FOOD:
In order, to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must
eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is
getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a
human you are starving to death and must be fed "NOW"; and hunting
for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.
a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your
tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from
the table.
c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full
enough to drink from.
d) The best times to inform humans of your dish's emptiness are
when they are unable to ignore you, such as when they are sleeping
or on the toilet.
e) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite
to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent - your food will usually
not be so polite and try to leave.
f) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are
unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity
of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs
will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't
forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto
the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the
doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare,
and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing
plaintively.
XII. SLEEPING:
As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a
cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find
a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human Likes to sit is
good, especially if it contrasts with your fur colour. If it's in
a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator so much the better.
Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages
of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather
conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.
XIII. SCRATCHING POSTS:
It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may
provide. They are very protective of what they think is their
property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening
your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't
around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an
outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human
is a definite no-no!
XIV. WATER:
Water would be really great if it wasn't so "WET"! Dripping taps
are the best sources of fresh water in the whole house. Toilets
are the next best (but the water inside must be COLOURLESS and
contain NOTHING!) Therefore it is imperative that any sound of
running water be immediately investigated in case a free drink
may be obtained. The bathtub is the best place to lurk in the
bathroom when a human is present. A plaintive meow or two and
perhaps hopefully licking the faucet usually will get most humans
to turn on the tap for you. If the bathroom door is closed,
demand entry noisily (see DOORS). The water dish is to be used
only as a last resort in case the humans leave the toilet lid down
and the tub and sink are dry.
XV. THE VACUUM CLEANER:
This appalling Beast is known by many names, "Cat Eater" being the
most prevalent. Normally pliable, agreeable humans will turn into
raging monsters while under its influence, running around the house
sucking up all the carefully shed cat hair and terrorising the feline
residents with evil glee. Nothing can stop it until the influence is
over and the foul device is put back into its closet. All you can do
is run and hide when you hear the engine roar to life and hope that
It doesn't find you. On some occasions, however, the humans are
forced to open up the vacuum cleaner and remove a swollen dusty bag
from within. This is its stomach, and must be destroyed if you can
get the chance. Do not worry if the human yells at you, for the yell
is really that of the Beast in pain.
XVI. HUMANS:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and
give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important
to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not
forget who is the master of the house. It is not known why humans
like to sleep when it gets dark, just when the day is young and the
masters of the house are fresh and ready for play. It is known,
however, that sleeping humans are boring to be around and that they
occasionally must be roused to attend to our needs, such as to get
fresh food or water or to retrieve a toy that was batted under the
sofa. Almost all of them strongly dislike being dragged out of bed
in their so-called "wee hours". Some will even pretend to be asleep
even when we know they're not, hoping we'll give up and go away.
Persistence is the key to success in any case.
One nearly always successful method of rejuvenating a dormant human
is the "direct approach", namely jumping on the bed and doing one
or more of the following: trampling, licking and/or nibbling any
exposed parts, purring, meowing, head-butting, or playing "Catch
Mouse" or "King of the Hill". If the human is being stubborn, you
may have to resort to more drastic tactics, such as ripping down
posters, rattling blinds, knocking over and looting a wastebasket,
knocking items off the dresser, or singing at the top of your voice.
Eventually the human will get up and do what you want, usually
employing some bad language while doing so.
WARNING: It is not advised to do this on a regular basis. It will
very likely result in your being "banished" from and denied access
to the bedroom altogether, in which case it becomes much more
difficult to get them to respond to your wishes. Thumping the door
or yowling may be initially effective, but will likely result in
being further banished to the basement or even the kitty carrier!
Discretion is thus strongly recommended.
Of course, if the human gets up on his own in the wee hours to go
to the bathroom, you are free to get him to do your bidding while
he is too sleepy to put up much resistance.
XVII. MORNINGS:
In order to provide and care for you,. the humans must leave the
domain every morning (usually before you take your first cat nap).
To help them on their way, either yowl loudly, massage their scalps
with your claws, or gently bounce on top of them in bed. See also
GAMES. The best time to do this is about 24 minutes before their
clock begins to blare or ring. We must protect them from the
blaring noise because it could ruin their sense of hearing.
XVIII. MEDICINE:
The vet is the person to whom your human will take you when you are
sick. The place smells funny, there are usually other cats and dogs
in the waiting room, and awful things like needles and pill
prescriptions will happen there. The usual result is that you will
get better, which is good, but you just can't let those humans cat-
handle you. The following are some tips for dealing with vets and
medicine.
a) Unless you are really sick, when you see the carrier come out,
run and hide somewhere inaccessible, such as under the bed or behind
a couch. Once the human finally grabs you, struggle gamely. Splay
your legs out so that it is difficult to cram you into the carrier.
If the human is trying to put you in with another pet, try to allow
the other pet to bolt out the door. In the car, meow plaintively all
the way down to the vet's. If possible, reach through the bars of
the portable prison and try to caw the human as s/he drives. At the
vet's, splay your legs and brace yourself against the carrier's walls
if you can so that they can't dump you out easily.
b) If you are well enough, you must resist attempts to feed you
pills or any liquid medicine. As soon as you hear the pill bottle
rattle, hide as explained in part a). Resist attempts to open your
mouth. Squirming is good. Once the medicine is in, try to spit it
out, preferably by shaking your head vigorously. Refuse any food
that looks or smells like it may have had medicine sprinkled on it.
Unfortunately, humans can be REALLY unfair and put it in tuna. In
this case, accept grudgingly. Look aggrieved after the medicine
session is over.
IXX. ILLNESS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot
manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug,
shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up
so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
XX. LAPS:
Undoubtedly the best way to get attention from a human is to jump
in his/her lap and purr. Few humans can resist because it makes
them think you like them (which may even be true!). Ear scratches,
belly rubs, back stroking: all these and more can be yours. Some
cats like this treatment a little TOO much and acquire the silly
name "Lap Fungus". Lap sessions also provide golden opportunities
for shedding -- be sure to take advantage of clothes which contrast
with your fur (see also GUESTS). Unfortunately, humans have the
annoying tendency to want to get up to do their mundane activities,
like answering the thing that rings, or going to the Big White
Drinking Bowl. Protest this disturbance with accusing looks and
plaintive meows. Some laps may require "softening up" with a little
kneading; just be sure not to use the claws or you may have an
unexpected flying lesson!
CONCLUSION:
Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start
early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth running
household.
By RALPH POHLMAN, Psychiatrist
About a year ago I recounted the story of the time two of our three
cats had litters of kittens at the cottage. At the end of the summer
my wife made the memorable trek home in the car with four kids, three
cats, 11 kittens, a turtle and a gerbil.
I won't revisit the horrors of that trip, but it nicely introduces
the problem of kittens and what to do with them. Clearly, when you
have three cats, two females and one male who smiles a lot, some
provision has to be made. Of course, one solution was to have the
cats spayed, which I eventually did. Over the years we had a number
of "blessed events" among our resident cats which mandated a pushy
imperative to find adoptive homes for the kits. One of the cats,
"Christine", was white with a big extra toe on each foot. This was
due to a well known dominant gene among white cats and tended to be
present in her kittens. No neighbour was safe from us. With the
persistence of an insurance salesman, we persuaded our children's
friends to take home a little furry bundle. Our neighbourhood
gradually became saturated with white cats with big feet.
A few months later, we were presented with another litter of
kittens. We came downstairs one morning to see our kids clustered
around the cat as she gave birth on the living room rug. I still
remember exclaiming, "Here comes another one!" as a soggy infant
was pushed out.
There were six of them this time and it wasn't long before I was
looking for homes again. Folks would turn out the lights and refuse
to answer the door when they saw me coming up the driveway. At the
supermarket they would avoid eye contact as though I were a panhandler
with a cardboard sign, and quickly detour to another aisle. Clearly
this was going to require some creativity.
The following Sunday, at noon, I put all the kittens into a
cardboard box, closed the top flaps, and drove to the hospital.
Carrying my living treasure, I headed for the cafeteria, where I got
my lunch tray and sat down at a table. I carefully set the box on
the floor by my chair.
So now you have the picture. Sunday noon in a busy hospital
cafeteria, the adjacent tables mostly taken up by nurses. And me,
quietly eating my lunch.
Of course, it wasn't long before the kittens were making sounds
and poking their heads up through the flaps of the box. And as you
well know, there isn't a soul alive who can resist a kitten. I just
kept on eating my lunch. I felt like Tom Sawyer with his seductive
fence.
Soon there were some nurses at my table, playing with the kittens.
"What are you doing with the kittens, Dr. Pohlman?" one of them
asked.
"Oh," I said, "I'm just taking them to the lab."
They were horrified. (What they thought the lab would do with them
I can't imagine.) The word soon passed through the cafeteria that I
was delivering the kittens to the lab.
Before I had finished my lunch, all the kittens had new homes.
A guy was a 55-year-old bachelor with one real interest in life-
-his old cat Midnight. He'd been avoiding a two-week business trip
for months because he didn't trust anyone to watch Midnight for him.
Finally his boss told him to make the trip or put in his time.
In desperation he called his brother, telling him, "Man, I'm in
a bind. You've got to take care of Midnight while I'm on a trip."
Brother says, "No problem."
The guy drives cross-country to California. As soon as he's checked
into a hotel, he calls his brother, asking, "How's Midnight doing."
"Midnight died, man," his brother said.
Dazed, the guy hangs up the phone. A few minutes later he gets hold
of himself and calls his brother back, saying, "I have to say this,
brother, and don't interupt. Midnight was very special to me. How
could you just blurt out, 'he's dead'? You could at least have broken
it to be gently. You could have begun with, 'Midnight is on the roof,
but don't worry, we'll get him down,' and then, next time I called
next you could've said , 'Midnight is at the vet, but we think
everything will be okay.' Then the next time I called, you could've
said, "Midnight passed away quietly this morning.'"
"You're right," his brother admitted, "I should have thought it
out more. I'm sorry."
"Good. At least we got that straight! So, how's Mom?"
Brother begins, "Well, Mom's up on the roof..."
A New Jersey resident was surprised to read the "patient counseling"
instructions a local pharmacist typed onto a recent prescription for
her cat. It warned..."Do not mix with alcohol. Use caution when
driving or operating machinery."
The cat's owner stated, "We had no idea what the cat was up to when
he felt good!"
The Difference Between Dogs and Cats
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me,
provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care
of me...They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me,
provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care
of me...I must be a God!
WHAT, EXACTLY, ARE THOSE CURIOUS ANIMALS CALLED CATS?
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.
There was this cat who loved to get drunk, so he went to the bar
down town on the other side of the tracks. He stayed all night long
and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk. The cat
starts to stumble on home. As the cat comes to the train tracks he
doesn't notice a train as it is coming his way. The cat starts to
cross the track and the train is right on him. Just as he crosses,
the train goes on by, but the cat was not all the way over and the
train ran over the his tail, the cat turns it's head to see were his
tail is and the train cuts his head clean off.
The Moral of the Story:
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD OVER A LITTLE PIECE OF TAIL!
Humans and Cats
Humans:
Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive.
Is it saying:
a) Welcome home
b) The phone rang twice while you were out
c) Feed me, NOW
Your cat meows at the door when you go out.
Is it saying:
a) Please don't leave me here all alone
b) Good-bye
c) But what if I get hungry while you out?
Your cat digs its claws in your leg.
Is this:
a) An unsupressed primal instinct
b) A sign of affection
c) A demand to be fed now
Your cat scratches at the door after being fed:
Is it saying:
a) Lemme out - I need to use the garden
b) Wanna go out and play
c) Wonder what they've got to eat next door?
When your cat stares at you, it means:
a) It is bored silly
b) It's trying to understand how it's food grows in cans
c) You are being sized-up for an attack
Your cat brings a dead mouse/bird into the house.
This means:
a) A primal instinct is being displayed
b) You're not feeding me enough
c) It is showing a sign of affection by sharing
d) It is demonstrating the fact that it knows how to kill; be warned
Your cat displays signs it wants to mate with other cats in the
neighborhood. You should:
a) Let it out immediately
b) Try to switch it's interests to other things
c) Put on heavy protective clothing if you are not planning
to let it out
d) the other cat's owner is attractive, maybe you could double
Your cat sleeps with you; covering your face.
This means:
a) It is showing you great affection
b) It knows you are allergic to cats
c) It has discovered the fine art of suffocation
d) You should have let it out tonight
Cats:
Your human walks into the kitchen.
Does this mean:
a) It's hungry
b) It's lost
c) You're hungry
Your human puts down a bowl of food for you.
Is this:
a) supper
b) something to keep you going till supper's ready
c) inedible junk to be scorned in favour of what the human's got.
Your human removes you from the top of the television.
Does this mean:
a) You're in trouble - better not do it again
b) Nothing - humans do this from time to time
c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.
Staircases are for:
a) Getting up to the human's bedroom at 4am
b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of
c) Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.
d) all of the above
Your human talks/yells at you. You should:
a) Listen intently, even if you don't understand
b) Meow in acknowledgment and continue what you were doing
c) Ignore him/her completely; you're a cat, they mean nothing
d) Move on to the next annoying activity to encourage their
talking behavior
Phone and electrical cords and strings from fabrics are:
a) Important to humans and should be left alone
b) Playthings and deserve your total attention; no matter what
damage may result
c) Annoying and should be removed immediately
Birds, small rodents and large bugs should be:
a) Ignored (especially if your human wants them removed)
b) Played with until they stop playing
c) Presented to your human as a proud trophy
d) Hidden under your human's pillow for safe keeping
e) Consumed for their nutritional value
A human giving you a bath should be considered:
a) Under no circumstances
b) Under no circumstances
c) Under no circumstances
d) An act of war
e) All of the above
Your human's value is limited to:
a) Providing food
b) Providing water
c) Letting you out
d) Providing opposite-gender feline companionship
e) Leaving you alone
f) All of the above; if properly trained
A young man using the handle "flea" uploads a pornographic picture
to an Internet "newsgroup". It happens an estimated 2000 times a day,
but this time, it's different. The picture shows a naked six year old,
who we will call Kathy, helplessly tied in thin blue yarn... and what
is perhaps even more disturbing, the man distributing the picture is
Kathy's legal guardian.
To this date, no legal action has been taken and Kathy is still in
the custody of "flea".
Why has justice failed Kathy? Why has the law not intervened?
The answer is simple... Kathy is a cat.
The problem is growing. Each day it is estimated that as many as
twenty pictures of young cats go up on the Internet without their
knowledge or consent. With a computer and phone line, anyone, even
children, can easily find and view these pictures. In fact, in a
frightening new trend children themselves are increasingly responsible
for taking and distributing these startling pictures.
What is to be done?
Where does free speech end and compassion begin?
In a recent study conducted by Richard Little it is estimated that
there are over a million billion pictures of cats on the Internet. That
number is expected to rise by some 30,000,000% over the next year.
Projections for the year 2,010 show that there will be more cat pictures
on the internet than molecules of oxygen in the atmosphere. Of course
some critics have questioned Richard's study pointing to the fact that
Richard is only ten and a half and call the study "dangerous, unfounded
fiction."
Supporters claim it's not dangerous at all. Both sides agree however
that it would be impossible to come up with accurate numbers...so we'll
use these.
All over the world there are increasing reports of kitty porn. China,
Japan and the Netherlands have all become hot spots on the kitty porn
circut. Several organizations track these phenomena such as the "WWW Cat
Map" recently awarded POINT'S prestigious "Top 5% of the Web" award. It
chronicles some of the world's most notorious cat pages. Pages like
these can be a boon to those concerned with kitty porn, but they can
also be misused by those seeking cat pictures for prurient purposes.
Kitty porn spans economic lines as well as national borders. The kitty
porn scene is no longer characterized by poorly lit amateur photographs
of underprivileged cats, but reaches all the way to the top as this
picture of ex First Kitty "Socks", photographed by the Smithsonian,
shows. No cat is safe no matter what their upbringing or how powerful
their family is.
Though humans are responsible for most of the startling pornography on
the internet, a growing number of cases are being attributed to the
Feline Mafia Organization (FMO). Who are they and what has been their
effect in the kitty porn controversy? Is anything being done?
We talked to Special Agent Punner about the problem.
"Well, the problem has paw-satively become cat-astrophic in it's
pro-paw-tions. Just last week I was helping track down a fleaing
furgitive who was making a feline for neuter-al territory be-claws of
crimes against a young fur-gin named Fuzzy Love. The fur-ious women who
spayed at home surfing the Internet wasn't lion when she called in the
crime. To say it stroked us the wrong way around here barely scratches
the surface. The purr-petrator litter-aly came within a whisker of
getting away, but it was the cat's meow interestingly enough that lead
to our apprehending of the hair-ied fat cat responsible. Now he's
praying not to get collared and either tossed in the kennel or thrown
to the wolves." We tried to contact Fuzzy Love, but she had no comment.
This was partly due to shame and unwillingness to endure further
exposure, and partly because, like most cats...Fuzzy Love can't talk.
This is the true tragedy. While we labor to protect our freedom of
speech, who will protect those that cannot speak. Such spokescreatures
for the feline community such as Puddy, who writes the very successful
column "Ask Puddy" have been strangely silent on the subject. Of course
many people feel that animal pundits such as Puddy are mere pawns
themselves and are being controlled by other interests. We asked Puddy
for his comment, but so far we have received no reply.
Part of the problem lies in the availability and design of computers.
Not enough effort is being made to empower the feline community. They
have no voice, they are shut off and isolated. They are part of
something they do not understand and cannot participate in. They have
no power to change the Net. Of course there are more cats with access
to computers than women, minorities, and economically depressed
people... but that's not really saying much is it?
Until the Web embraces everyone equally, the problems of exploitation
will continue. Although legislation against posting cat pictures is an
option, a more intriguing option has been suggested in a report
published by the Coalition of Those Attempting to Think Clearly and
Probably Failing "Society should spend a lot more time trying to educate
and help people stay mentally and physically healthy instead of making
them sick and then trying to stop them from hurting each other. If we
must pass laws about pornography on the Internet, we advise a law that
requires EVERYONE on the internet to post a pornographic picture of
themselves. We don't know if that would solve the problem, but it would
sure be interesting."
For more information, smell the third step outside your house.
Has anyone had to take a cat to the Vet? On public transport?
I did, and it was probably the most harrowing experience of my life
except for when I had a spectacular bowel disorder. My cat had a Sheep
Tick lodged on his head, that could not be removed, so I decided to take
him to the vet. When I had bought the cat, I'd also bought a cat basket
made from stout wicker for this very purpose.
I went to the closet and took out the basket, but Cat saw it and gave
me a cocky, head on one side, look that said, quite simply, "If you
think I am going to humiliate myself by putting my fine, furry body in
that, you can shove it up your arse, mate"
So I put the basket on the table, and picked up the cat, cooing soft,
gentle phrases that would have calmed down one of those dogs that are
banned and owned by people with their names tattooed on their foreheads
in mirror writing. Cat started to purr, albeit suspiciously. However,
as soon as I got him near the door of the basket, his limbs shot so wide
that he was clawing at both sides of the room simultaneously. There
followed two minutes of what seemed like fighting with an angry furry
octopus with more claws than Geronimo's necklace and the temper of Don
King with his German helmet caught in his fly.
"Come on, puss, go in"
"Meow"
"Please...ouch"
"Hiss....snarl"
"Get in you fat furry *!#%"
"Meeoooow...growl..."
etc..etc..
Eventually I succeeded, because I am over 6 feet and 200 pounds. But
I had been scratched so much that I looked like I'd had Freddy Krueger
round for tea and angered him with a comment about his mother's facial
hair. So, I took him to the bus stop and waited in the queue. Cat sat
with his paws folded with an expression of loathing disgust, planning
his ultimate revenge.... We got on the bus and sat down. It was the
usual group of afternoon, off-peak passengers; Old ladies because
they could travel for free and spotty adolescents going to burgle
houses. For the first few minutes, Cat kept quiet, shuffling about a
little, and licking his bottom. Then it started.
"meow..."
"Meowwwww..."
"M E E O W .... WOOOOOOO .... WOWOWOWO ..... MEEEEEEEOOOWW ...
grrrrroowwwwlll"
The old lady next to me was rather startled. I think she thought it
was an Air-Raid siren, and she started mumbling "Old Fritz is at it
again and my Arthur was never the same after they shot one of his balls
off" But it soon became apparent to everyone on the bus that it was Cat
who was making the racket. Spotty kid at the back took his Walkman
headphones off.
Then came the bombshell. It started as the faintest whiff - the merest
zephyr wafting up my nose. It's worth pondering for a moment what goes
on in a cats devilish insides. Consider what goes in at the front end.
Certain brands of cat food in the UK have recently been classified as
"fit for human consumption". But if I came home after a hard day at the
office and found a tin of that laid out for my dinner there would be a
great deal of shouting and a trip to the lawyer's. Cat food is vile.
There is a common bond that is shared across humanity - everyone in the
whole world, when opening a tin of cat food before breakfast shouts
profanities when they get a whiff of it. Even Arabs. So, considering
the material a cat has to work with, coupled with a set of bile organs
developed by Lucifer himself, you can understand why I was sitting on
a bus surrounded by people looking like they were entrants in a Face
Pulling camp; Pointing competition. And then came the urine.
Yokshire, in North England (where I live) has recently suffered a
drought. In an attempt to resolve the situation, Yorkshire Water Limited
had to draft in hundreds of water tankers to top up the depleted
reservoirs. They needn't have bothered. All they had to do was couple
a pipeline to my cat's wang, erect a sizable distilling facility and
provide gas masks to the local residents. I have never seen as much
urine come from a living being. I've giggled at horses relieving
temselves in fields, and I've seen an elephant taking an impressive leak
in a TV program. But they are insignificant compared to the amount of
fluid that a cat can hold when it's angry. Steven Hawking alone can
cntemplate the multi-dimensionality that allows my 16 pound cat to store
gallons of water in its zeppelin of a bladder.
Of course, wicker baskets do not hermetically seal.
So the fluid ran straight on to my trousers. My khaki, summer
trousers. The crotch of my trousers. It was way before my stop, but I
just had to get off the bus because people were starting to threaten me
between retches. I walked down the aisle, dripping with wee, holding a
caterwauling ball of furry anger in a basket.
I had to walk about a mile to the Vet's, with people looking straight
at the dark, damp patch that was my crotch. It was very difficult to
retain my dignity. When I got to the Vet's, the man took one look at the
cat, whipped out some tweezers and had the Tick removed in an instant.
Presenting me with a bill that was large enough to buy food for a
platoon of hungry soldiers with tapeworms, he said "You could have
removed that at home - you needn't have made the effort to come all the
way here".
The next thing he said was "Ouch - there's no need for th...",
followed by "Oh Jesus, my plums", and rounding off with "That bill has
got to be paid -- it's no good wiping your crotch with it".
How To Bathe A Cat
(Note: Jeffery LaCroix is a veterinarian with an office in
Wilmington. He writes a column for the Morning Star called
"From Paws to Tails."
Here is his response to a letter regarding bathing a cat)
Dear Dr. LaCroix: I've heard that cats never have to be
bathed, and that they have some sort of special enzyme in
their saliva that keeps them clean. This doesn't sound
believable to me because there are definite "kitty" odors
on my couch and dirty cat paw prints on our white hearth.
Is this true about the saliva? If we do decide to give
"Nice Kitty" a bath, how do we do that? - NSP, Wilmington
Dear NSP: Fortunately for you, several years ago a client
gave me a written set of instructions about cat bathing
which I am privileged to share with you:
Cat Bathing As A Martial Art
A. Know that although the cat has the advantage of
quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have
the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield.
Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force
you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom.
If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend
that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding
-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower.
(A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can
shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a
politician can shift positions.)
B. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove
all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you
are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself.
I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction
boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey
face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
C. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly,
as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not
usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no
interest in fashion as a rule.)
D. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to
survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door,
step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip
the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo.
You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
E. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy
fur, and the problem is radically compounded.
Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three
seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must
remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like
crazy.
He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby
rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three
latherings, so don't expect too much.)
F. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always
assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans
generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just
getting really determined.
In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have
just been through.
That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed
to your right leg.
You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your
towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up
clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the
best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage
him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the
tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from
your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three
weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you.
He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare
of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry.
This isn't usually the case.
As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your
defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to
give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.
Alternate Method For Giving Your Cat A Bath
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water,
and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards
the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close
both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot
escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close where
their claws can find you.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power
wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that
there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift
both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside.
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