How do you make a duck sing?
Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.
A flock of birds is flying south for the winter.
One asks, "Why do we always have to follow Murray?"
Another bird answers, "Because he has the map!"
How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side.
What did the bird say when her boyfriend bought her the wrong perfume?
Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay,
they would be bagels.
What did the goose say when the pillowmaker knocked at his door?
"I'll be down in a minute."
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
Two birds in a tree looking down on a man washing his car.
"If he doesn't hurry up and finish," says one bird to the
other, "I'll shit myself."
Why did the pelican refuse to pay for his meal?
His bill was too big.
What do you have when a duck gives you smart answers?
What's the best way to ship duck eggs?
Put them in a quacker barrel.
What do you call a duck in an auto accident?
What happens to a duck who flies upside down?
He quacks up.
Whats red and sits in a tree?
A sanitary owl.
There are two parrots sitting on a perch.
One says "I smell fish."
What's the difference between a Texas oil man and a pigeon?
A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
Does a bird's circumcision yield WING TIPS?
how do you know if a pollock has been to a cockfight?
because somebody bet on a duck
how do you know that the mafia was there?
because the duck won.
What goes black-white-black-white-black-white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
Why do birds in a nest always agree?
Because they don't want to fall out.
What do you get if you cross a parrot and a lion?
Something that says "Polly want a cracker...
NOW MOTHER FUCKER!"
It was little Harry's first visit to the country, and feeding
the chickens fascinated him. Late one evening he caught his first
glimpse of peacock strutting in the yard, feathers spread
beautifully in all its glory.
Rushing indoors excitedly, Harry called out for his grandma...
"Oh, Granny, come see! Come see!" he exclaimed. "One of your
chickens is in bloom!"
There was once an old man and a parrot living all alone together
for like 40 years. One day, the parrot came to the old man and said,
"ya know, I've never had a woman in my life."
So the old man, as a favor to his best friend, went to the pet
store and talked the owner into letting him use a female parrot for
one night for the fee of 40 dollars. He took the female home, put
it into the cage with his parrot, covered the cage and went to bed.
He was awoken in the middle of the night to the female parrot
screaming she was being killed. He ran out and pulled the cover off
the cage. There he saw his male parrot ripping all the feathers off
of the female.
"What are you doing?" the old man screamed.
The parrot replied, "Are you kidding, for 40 dollars, I at least
want the bitch naked!!"
My brother and I were walking along the street to a friend's house.
I was maybe half-a-step in front of him, and out of the corner of my
eye I saw him look up and then down really quickly. I turned around
and didn't see anything, so I asked him, "What did you see?"
Looking around again I still didn't see anything. I asked "Where,
in the sky?"
He said, "No, digging a tunnel."
To which I replied, "Oh, I see...A myna bird."
Browsing in a pet shop, a man sees a beautiful parrot with a red
string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to its right
leg, and asks the store owner about the different colored strings.
"This is a highly-trained parrot," the owner explains. "If you
pull the red string, he'll speak French. If you pull the green
string, he'll speak Spanish."
The customer asks, "What happens if I pull both strings?"
"I'll fall off my perch, dummy!" screeches the parrot.
Once upon a time the Carrier Pigeon Employees Union held an Iron
Bird competition to honor the toughest, most dedicated specimen of
avian delivery in the State of California.
Only two birds made it into the final round, where each carrier
pigeon had to carry a 50-pound mail pouch. First, they had to fly
up over the top of Mt. Whitney, 14,500 feet high, then swoop down
and fly the length of the notorious and aptly-name Death Valley in
the hottest part of the summer. Each bird struggled up through
Mt. Whitney's thinning air, gasping for breath as each of them
successfully soared over the top of its rocky summit. From there,
they proceeded down to the northern edge of Death Valley. The sun
was blazing hot, scorching the moisture out of the sparse scrubby
vegetation, the bleached bones of other less fortunate animals
littering the barren desert floor.
Onward they flew. Exhausted, feathers wilted, gasping with each
dehydrated breath, these two tough competitors neared the finish
line at the valley's southern-most end. The crowds of fellow
carrier pigeons filling the perches along either side of the
finish line loudly cheered on their favorite feathered friend.
In the final quarter mile, one pigeon sprinted ahead with a final
burst of energy, crossing the line to the deafening chirps of its
adoring fans. In the emotional rush of victory, it strutted around,
singing out a melodious song of rejoicing. The other bird, seeing it
had lost, slowed down and practically limped across the finish line,
tattered and beaten down by this grueling competition. It could only
chirp out a single, mournful, pitiful sound through its parched beak
as it collapsed in a heap, amidst the wailing of its own supporters.
All this prompted a well-known, loquacious New Yorker pigeon
sportscaster who was covering the event to loudly announce into the
microphone for all to hear, "Ahh...de trill of victory, and de agony
of de tweet!"
A tired little owl landed on the window ledge of a veterinarian's
office and fell asleep. The vet brought the owl inside and checking
him over, he noticed his tonsils were swollen and he also had severe
hemorrhoids. He gave him a shot, removed both his tonsils and
hemorrhoids and placed him back on the window ledge. Pretty soon the
owl regained consciousness and flew away.
A few months later he was flying with another owl who suggested
they stop and rest on the very same window ledge.
The first owl said, "OK, but let's pick another ledge. I stopped
there awhile back and since then I haven't been able to hoot worth
a shit or shit worth a hoot!"
An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Alaska
arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The
Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker
can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to
peck a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe. The Texas woodpecker
challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that
no woodpecker has been able to peck successfully. The Alaskan
woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it. After
flying to Texas and successfully pecking the tree in Texas, the
two woodpeckers couldn't figure out why the Texas woodpecker
was able to peck the Alaskan tree and the Alaskan woodpecker
was able to peck the Texan tree when neither one was able to
peck the tree in their own state.
After thinking for some time they both came to the same
conclusion: "Your pecker is always harder when you're away
A lady went to a pet shop.
"I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner.
"We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner
said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets.
"That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated.
But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just
think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could
make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they
checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were
carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the dead raccoons through as luggage?"
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to
grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of
a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a
son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a
birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever
put my pecker in."
After my husband got out of the military we decided to move back
home. For the first few weeks we had to stay at his mothers house
and sleep on the couch in the living room...with Jerry. The fifteen
year old Maccaw. Our first night there we decided to break in the
sofa bed with a little R+R.
The next day we were all sitting at the breakfast table and Jerry
started screaming. We all turned to make sure he was alright. He
started babbling something at first and we couldn't make out what
he was saying, but it sounded like he was in pain. It began to get
clearer and clearer though.
In his best female voice we heard, "OH GOD..OH BABY" over and
over followed by screams. My father in law ran out of the house
laughing. Believe it or not my mother in law sat there still
We've never had sex in the house since.
One day he's flying around and he spies a rather attractive looking
female lark sitting on a tree branch, so he swoops down and catches
the lark and lands in a bush on the ground, disappearing inside it.
Soon the bush starts rustling, and little lark feathers start flying
out. A few minutes later, the lark comes out with a big smile on her
face, and sings, "I'm a lark, and I've just been sparked," and flies
The hawk emerges shortly after, but feels unsatisfied. He takes to
the air again, and soon, his keen vision picks out a dove on the
ground. He swoops down, picks up the dove, and disappears into another
nearby bush with her.
Once again, leaves start rustling, and little dove feathers start
flying out. A few minutes later, the dove emerges, a big smile on her
face, and crows out, "I'm a dove, and I've just been loved!" and
The hawk meanders out, still not quite satisfied, and immediately
spots a duck on a nearby pond. He flies to the air to get up some
speed, then swoops down, picks up the duck, and lands in another bush.
Leaves rustle, and duck feathers start flying.
Soon the duck emerges, with a perplexed look on its bill, and says,
"I'm a drake, and there's been a mistake!"
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points
to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot
on the left costs 500 dollars."
Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the first man.
The owner says, "Well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one
costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot
can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third
parrot, to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars.
Needless to say this brings the question "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be honest I have never seen it
do a thing, but the other two call him boss!".
Two Quebecois walked into a pet store. Right away they go over
to the exotic bird section. Jean-Marc says to Jean-Pierre, "Dats
The store clerk comes over and asks if she can help them.
"Yea, we'll take four of dem birds in dat cage up der," says
Jean-Marc. "Put dem in a paper bag."
They leave the store and drive for three hours until they are
high up in the hills. They stop at the face of a large cliff with
a 500ft drop.
"Dis looks like a good place eh?" says Jean-Pierre.
"Oh yea, dis looks good," agrees Jean-Marc.
They flip a coin and Jean-Marc wins the toss.
"Tabernac! I guess I got to go first eh?" says Jean-Pierre.
He takes 2 birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders
and jumps off the cliff. Jean-Marc watches as his buddy drops off
the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds and goes "SPLAT!"
As Jean-Marc looks over the cliff he shakes his head and says,
"Fock dat. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
A duck walked into a pharmacy, and waddled back to the pharmacist's
counter. The pharmacist looked at him and chuckled, "Hey little fella!
What can I do for you?"
The duck says, "I'd like a box of condoms please."
The pharmacist says, "Well, sure! Would you like me to put them on
The duck says, "I'm not that kind of duck!"
A forest ranger is making rounds in a remote part of the wooded
reserve when he comes across an unkempt man, sitting at a make-shift
campfire, and, to the ranger's horror, eating a fish and a bald
eagle. The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. He was
soon brought to trial for his crime.
The Judge asked the man "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is
a federal offence?"
"Yes I do." replied the man, "but if you let me argue my case,
I'll explain what happened."
"You may proceed."
"I got lost in the woods, and hadn't had anything real to eat for
two weeks," the man explained. "I was so hungry, I was eating plants
to stay alive. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the
lake grabbing some fish. I thought 'if I startled the Eagle I could
maybe steal the fish.'
Low and behold, the eagle lighted upon a nearby tree stump to eat
the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the
fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim
was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head,
and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but
figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would
be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
The judge says he will take a recess to analyse the defendant's
testimony. 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
"Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you
didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."
The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers, "If you don't mind
my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"
"Well your honour, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe
it's a bit more tender than a California Condor but lacks the tang
of a Spotted Owl."
A guy was visiting his local pub and he was the only person
there, so he started chatting to the landlord about the lack
of trade. He said to the barman that for $50 he would fill up
his bar with costomers and the landlord agreed.
The guy went away and came back 30 minutes later with a
dancing duck. The duck was on top of a round flat biscuit tin
and his little feet were tapping away constantly. Sure enough,
all the word spread around the village and by Saturday evening
the bar was totally filled. It seemed that everyone wanted to
see this dancing duck.
On the Sunday the guy went back tot he bar and asked for his
money and was duly paid as per the agreement.
But the landlord said, "Wonderful trade, bar was packed full
over the whole weekend, but just one thing! How the hell do you
stop him dancing? He was clattering on his biscuit tin all night
long and I never got a wink of sleep!".
The guy told him to take the lid off the tin and blow out
Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass
her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout
all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with "Somebody's gonna
get it tonight!"
In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained
her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor.
"What you need," he said, "is a female parrot too. I don't have
one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this
female owl until the female parrot arrives."
Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was
immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care for the owl. He
glared at it.
That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she opened
the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Then
suddenly she heard the parrot screech and she knew that things
"Somebody's gonna get it tonight! Somebody's gonna get it tonight!"
the parrot said.
The owl said, "Whoo? Whoo?
And the parrot said, "Not you, you big-eyed Son of a Bitch!
A man is driving down the highway and passes a state motorcycle
officer. The officer notices the man and also sees that he has
4 penguins in the backseat of the car. The officer chases down the
car and pulls the man over, and after a short inspection of the
vehicle says to the driver, "what are you doing with 4 penguins in
To which the man replies "Just taking them for a ride officer."
Visibly upset, the cop instructs the man to take the penguins to
The next day the same man is driving down the same highway and
is spotted by the same motorcycle cop. Again the cop gives chase
and pulls the car over and upon inspection sees the same 4 penguins
in the backseat only this time the penguins are wearing bright
colored swim trunks and sun glasses.
The cop, really pissed off this time, says, "I thought I told you
to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday."
The man smiles and replies "I did! They liked that so much that
today I decided to take them to the beach!"
A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager, "Got any
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. We have only canned and dry goods."
The next day, the duck returns.
"Got any fresh fruit?"
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods.
If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail
your flippers to the floor."
On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"Got any fresh fruit?"
A farmer has an order for three dozen chickens. Coming up with
only thirty-five, he adds an old parrot to the last portable coop,
puts all the fowl on the back of his wagon, and takes off. About
a mile down the road, he turns to check on his poultry and finds
that all the chickens are walking behind the wagon.
The parrot riding the tailgate, is saying, "If any of you girls
change your mind, let me know, and you can ride!"
A baby pigeon and his mother were going to fly south for the
winter. Trying all types of logic, the mother pigeon was having
a difficult time convincing her new baby that he, too, could fly.
The baby pigeon cried, "I can't make the flight...I get too tired."
His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one
of your legs and the other end to mine."
The baby started to cry.
"What's wrong now?" said the mother.
The baby said, "I don't want to be pigeon towed!"
This is a recipe for birds found on the side of the road:
Take the breast of a song bird mashed real thin
Then sing a little song in remembrance of him
Use salt and pepper then roll it in flour
Fry it real hard for half an hour
Take it out of the skillet and drain off the fat
It takes three or four songbirds to fill up a cat
So ya have to find a bunch of em out in the street
To even make a sandwich out of songbird meat.
A bird who lives on a farm decides he is fed up with flying
south every winter and decides this year he is going to stay.
So as winter comes and all the other birds fly south, he gathers
some food and settle in for a nice winter. However, the weather
turns too cold and he is running out of food, so he decides he
better fly south. But he doesn't even make it out of the farm
before his wings freeze up and he crashes to the ground. As the
bird is lying on the ground, freezing to death a cow comes along
and shits on him. The shit is warm though, and the bird thaws
out and begins to sing of his own salvation. The local barnyard
cat, hearing the song comes along and eats the bird.
There are three morals we can all learn from this story.
#1 not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
#2 not everyone who pulls you out of shit is your friend.
#3 if you're ever warm and cuddley in a pile of shit, don't sing.
A Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says,
"Hey, you're a duck"
"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.
"Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK," says the barman.
"Guess your ears are fine too," answers the duck. "Now, can
have a beer please."
The barman serves the duck a pint and asks him, "So, what
brings a duck like you to these parts?"
"Oh," says the duck, "I work on the building site across the
road. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll most likely
be in every lunch hour for a pint."
The duck slurped down his beer, wiggling his tail happily.
Just as he said, the duck waddles over from his job at the
building site and has his lunch time lager.
The next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round.
The Circus owner wanders in for a pint and the barman tells him
about the talking duck.
"You should get this duck to join your circus," he says. "For
a little consideration, I could hook you up with this duck and
you could make lots of bucks. Everyone would love to see a
talking duck I think. Don't you?"
The circus man nods his agreement excitedly while sipping his
beer and the barman agrees to talk to the duck about the circus.
The following day, the duck comes in at lunch time as he had
been for those many days. The barman says to the duck (with
dollar signs in his eyes), "You know, the circus is in town,
and yesterday I was chatting to the owner about you. He's very
interested in you."
"Really?" says the duck.
"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for
"Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"
"That's one of those big tent things, isn't it? With a big pole
in the middle?"
"That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck.
"Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there
starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen on the idea."
The duck looked very puzzled. "But why would he want to hire a
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said
the first one.
"Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground
full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could
eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said
the first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said
"O.K." said the first.
They plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck
up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal,
he thought, "I love baskin' robins."
A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always
nursing sick birds.
One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint
on its beak sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table
there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the
kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she
found in the snow.
The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was toweling
down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got
to get rid of all of these darn..."
The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. "Please
Dear," she said, "Not in front of the chilled wren."
Myron's mother was very hard to please, but one year he thought
hard and finally came up with a truly inspired birthday present:
a pricey parrot that spoke six languages.
He arranged to have the bird delivered to her apartment a few
hours before he was to arrive for the birthday dinner.
"So, Mom. Did you get my present?" he asked.
"Yes, Myron, I did. And I must say, it cooked up very nicely."
"You didn't cook it!" Myron gasped. "That bird cost me $1,500.
And it spoke English, Portuguese, Mandarin, Urdu, Arabic and
"Now Myron," the old woman chided, "if it really spoke all those
languages, why didn't it say something?"
A male and a female pigeon made a date to meet on a ledge outside
the 14th floor of the Chrysler Building. The male was there on time,
but the female arrived an hour late.
"Where were you?" he cried. "I was worried sick."
"It was such a nice day," she explained, "I decided to walk."
Fred had a parrot that was the grossest, most foul mouthed
creature alive. He was constantly spewing filthy cursewords
everywhere. Fred had tried everything to stop him and was at
a loss as to what to do. One day when the parrot was being
particulary filthy mouthed, Fred took him into the kitchen
and shoved him in the freezer. The bird squawked and cursed
and spewed filth for a few minutes...then there was complete
silence. Fred opened the freezer door slowly and the parrot
stood there, very contrite, meek and mild.
"I humbly ask your forgiveness for any trouble I may have
caused you", he said.
Fred replied, "Thats ok. All is forgiven."
The parrot then added, "Thank you. I appreciate your patience
with me. Do you mind if I ask what the turkey did?"
A man goes into a pet shop. He goes up to the counter and asks the
woman behind the counter, "I want a bird that can talk."
The woman behind counter acknowledges him. "Certainly sir, we have
this Parrot that just came in yesterday."
"Does he talk then?"
"Oh, yes sir. He's a very talkative bird, hasn't stopped since he
"Great", said the man "in that case I'll take him."
So he paid the woman and took the bird home. The following week,
the woman was just finishing with a customer when the man came in
"That bird you sold me last week hasn't said a word since I got him."
"Oh," said the woman "that's unusual. Did you get him a mirror?"
"Ah, well that will be it then. Get him a mirror, he'll look at
himself in it, and then maybe he'll say something. They're only
"Okay then" said the man, and purchased the mirror.
The following week the man returned again. "That parrot still hasn't
"Did you buy him a mirror?"
"What about a ladder?"
"Ah well, you'll want to get him a ladder. He'll look at himself in the
mirror, run up and down the ladder, and then maybe he'll say something."
"How much are the ladders then?"
"Well, if you think so." The man purchased the ladder and went home.
Another week passed, and the man returned to the pet shop.
"I've had that parrot 3 weeks, and I still haven't got that him to
say a word."
"Strange. Did you get him a mirror?"
"And a ladder?"
"What about a bell?"
"Yes, he'll look at himself in the mirror, run up and down the ladder,
ding the bell, then maybe he'll say something."
"I don't know about this, I've spent a fiver on the mirror and another
fiver on the ladder."
"Well the bell's five pounds again, but I'm sure he'll say something
"Alright then" said the man begrudgingly, paid another fiver for the
bell, and went home.
A week later the man was back in the pet shop again.
"Here, that bird you sold me is dead, and after I bought him a mirror,
a ladder and a bell."
"Well that's odd. They usually survive a lot longer than that. Tell me,
did he say anything before he went?"
"Well, yes he did. He said something just before he passed away?"
"Really, what was that?"
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot
strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where
upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and
forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass
and bawls, "And get me another whisky you slut".
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still
no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's
"I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now you dumb bitch".
Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown
out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the
parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy
There once lived in an old oak tree a family of three robins,
a momma robin, a daddy robin, and a baby robin. One day towards
the end of summer, the daddy robin suddenly ruffled his feathers,
ducked his head under his tail feathers, and said, "My instincts
tell me it's time to fly south!"
Well, at this, the baby bird just looked at his father a bit
puzzled. A moment later, the momma bird ruffled her feathers,
ducked her head under her tail feathers, and said, "My instincts
also tell me it's time to fly south!"
This time, the baby bird, just as puzzled as before, just
shrugged and thought to himself, "Oh well, guess I'll give it
a try. So the baby bird ruffled his feathers, ducked his head
under his tail feathers, then looked up and said, "Wow, my end
stinks too, but I don't hear it talking to me!"
A lady went to an auction and found something she wanted
more than anything else. It was a parrot, and she decided to
bid for it. The bids went higher and higher, but finally she
got the bird for $49.50. Then it suddenly occurred to her that
she hadn't found out the most important thing about the bird.
"Does it talk?", she asked the auctioneer.
The auctioneer smiled, "Who do you think was bidding
against you all the time?", he replied.
A fellow was following a truck in heavy traffic. Every block
or so, when they were stopped at a stop light, the driver of
the truck would jump out of the cab with a big stick and bang
on the side of the cargo bay. He'd then jump back into the cab
in time to drive away when the signal changed.
The first fellow observed this for several miles, until he
could stand it no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped
out with the stick, the first fellow jumped out and ran up to
"I'm sorry to bother you," he said, over the din of the banging,
"but I am very curious; could you tell me what you are doing?"
Without breaking rhythm, the truck driver replied, "Sure, Mac.
Ya see, this here's a six-ton truck but I've got eight tons of
canaries aboard, so I've gotta keep two ton of them flying all
the time so I don't break an axle".
Two senile men were committed to a special home near the sea.
They were taken out one morning for a walk, accompanied by an
attendant named Albert. As the three strolled along the shore,
a seagull flew over and dropped a blob of excrement, which
landed right on top of the bald head of one of the elders.
Albert saw what happened and said in great concern, "Wait right
here. I'll get some toilet paper."
As the attendant ran toward the building, one man turned to the
other, pointed toward Albert, and said, "He's a darned fool. That
seagull will be a mile away by the time Albert gets back with the
Stopped at traffic light, the gray beard biker stared
wide-eyed at a punk rocker crossing the street in front
of him. The kid was a helluva sight. The punker had green,
orange, yellow, and blue hair, elaborately waxed up into
tall spikes sprouting from the top of his head.
Seeing the old biker staring at him, the punk rocker
stopped and said, "Hey, whatcha lookin' at, man? Didn't
you ever do anythin' excitin' in your life when you were
"Hell, yeah, I sure did," said the biker, "and that's
what worries me -- ya see, about 20 years ago, I fucked
a peacock, and I'm thinking ya might be one of my kids."
"Hey, bartender," says a customer, sitting at the bar.
"What kind of bird is that sitting on the perch?"
"Oh," says Bob the bartender, "that's a Crunchy Bird!"
"I never heard of a Crunchy Bird," says the patron.
"Just watch," says Bob. He takes a newspaper off the
bar and throws it down on the floor, then he turns to
the bird and says, "Crunchy Bird, my paper!"
The bird swoops down and attacks the newspaper. He rips
it to shreds until there's nothing left but tiny pieces
"Wow," says the customer, "can I try?"
"Be my guest," the bartender replies.
The customer takes off his shoe and puts it on the bar
and says, "Crunchy Bird, my shoe!"
The bird flies down off the perch and picks the shoe up
with his beak. He slams the shoe down on the bar and starts
attacking it. In no time, the shoe is reduced to nothing
but a few pieces of leather and a shoelace. Then the bird
flies back to his perch behind the bar.
Suddenly a tough looking guy walks into the bar. He yells,
"Gimme a drink NOW!" He looks around the bar snarling and
yells at the patrons, "What the Hell are you clowns looking
The bar is completely silent.
Then the bully notices the bird and says, "What the Hell
kind of stupid looking bird is that?"
"That's a Crunchy Bird," says bartender Bob.
The tough guy laughs and yells, "Crunchy Bird, my eye!"
A man goes to the theater with his pet duck concealed in
his pants. After a while he unzips his fly to let the bird
breathe. The little old lady sitting in the next seat nudges
her friend and says, "That man over there has his zipper down."
"So what, when you've seen one you've seen them all."
"Yes, but this one is eating my popcorn."
A family inheireted a foul-mouthed parrot from a old sailor
relative. Embarrassed by its language, they consulted their
pastor, who was famed for his parrot that prayed. They put
the two parrots together and left the room, hoping that the
pastor's praying parrot would serve as a good influence.
After a few minutes there was a great squawking, and the
family & the pastor rushed into the room to find the pastor's
parrot frantically screwing the family's parrot.
"Polly! Polly!" shouted the pastor, "What are you doing!?"
"Fer chrissake" replied Polly, "what do you think I've been
praying for all these years?!"
When Casey stated he was getting married, his pet parrot was
very upset and insisted on going on honeymoon with the couple.
"Okay, okay," Casey shouted to the parrot. "You can come
along, but I don't want you looking. You gotta promise that
you'll look the other way when we're making love....and if
you break your promise, you'll get nothing to eat."
Not wanting to be left at home, the parrot readily agreed
and kept his face turned toward the wall all night as Casey
and Darlene made love.
In the morning as he was packing their suitcase, Casey said
to Darlene, "I can't get it all in, darling. You'll have to
sit on it. No, that won't work either. I'll get on top and
press down. No, I still can't do it that way, but I have
another idea. Why don't we both get on top?"
And the parrot said, "Food or no food...this I gotta see."
A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the
parrot's cage, makes coffee, and has a cigarette. Suddenly
the phone rings. Her boyfriend is coming over. She puts out
the cigarette, pulls down the shade, puts the cover back on
the parrot's cage, and gets back into bed.
The parrot, from under the cloth: "Well that was a short
Two storks on a nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby
is crying and crying, and father stork is trying to calm him.
"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only
bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's fathers turn to do the job. "Son, your
father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing
joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later. The stork parents are desperate: their son
is gone from the nest all night! Finally, short before dawn,
he returns and the parents ask their son where he had been
Says the baby stork, "Aww, just scaring the shit out of
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet
store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into
specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of
parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters,
"I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?
The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well
for a parrot."
The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated
parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most
any subject you wish."
The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed
parrots. If you offer the proprietor 20 pounds for me I'll bet
he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great.
When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said
this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the Pope did so and so.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a
wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says, "What's up?"
The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the
mailman came and Your wife answered the door in her negligee
and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did?"
The parrot says, "Then he pulled her negligee down and started
sucking on her breasts."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next?!?"
The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard on and fell off
Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet
screamed past them.
One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that
thing was moving?"
The other replied, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three
assholes and they were all on fire".
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female,
faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came
down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them,
"that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring
you both to life for thirty minutes, during which you can do
anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues
to life. They approached each other a bit shyly, but soon
dashed for the bushes. Soon, there was lots of deal of giggling,
laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the
two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking
Grinning even wider, the female statue turned to the male
statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the goddamn
pigeon down, and I'll shit on it's head."
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician
allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the
shows each week and began to understand how the magician did
every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the
middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was,
after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician
found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean
with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with
hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's
A guy walks into a hardware store and asks for a pint of
The salesman mixes the paint and gives it to the guy.
Making conversation, he asks, "What are you going to do with
"I'm going to paint my parakeet."
"Yeah, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings
The salesman is shocked. "Hell, that'll kill him, man,
poison him and plug up his pores!"
"Naw, he's a tough bird. I've had him forever. It won't
"Look," said the salesman, "I bet you ten bucks your parakeet
dies if you try to paint him."
"You're on." The guy takes his paint and leaves.
Two days later the guy's back, lays ten dollars on the counter.
"So, painting the poor little bastard did kill him, huh?" says
"Naw, it wasn't the painting got him--it was the sanding."
A man walks into a hardware store and starts looking at
A clerk approaches and says, "Can I help you, sir?"
The man grumbles, "I need a file."
The clerk says, "You've come to the right place, sir!
We have round files, flat files, almost any kind of
file you need. What are you filing?"
The man answers, "My parrot's beak."
The clerk says, "Excuse me, sir? What did you say?"
The man repeats, "My parrot's beak!"
The clerk asks, "Excuse me, sir, but why???"
The man replies, "Everytime I feed that damn bird, it
pecks me with its beak. I'm sick and tired of getting
pecked, so I'm going to file off its beak. That'll teach
him. Now, give me a file."
The clerk stammers, "B-b-b-ut sir, if you file off the
bird's beak, it won't be able to eat! It'll die!"
The man says, angrily, "Look, don't give me any trouble.
Just give me a file and let me get out of here!"
The clerk sells the man a file, and the man leaves.
A few days later, the same man appears in the store.
The clerk approaches him and asks, "Excuse me, sir, but
how's your parrot doing?"
The man answers in an angry tone, "The damn thing's dead!"
The clerk smiles and says, "Yes, sir, I told you that if
you filed off its beak it would starve!"
The man answers back, "No, that wasn't it. The damn thing
was dead before I got him out of the vice!"
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to
say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say 'Hi, we're
prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring
your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage
with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and
worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ...that phrase...
in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the Solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As
he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their
cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're
prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the
other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers
have been answered!"
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a
perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady,
you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she
would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure
the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot
called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
A woman came to work one morning obviously upset. Her boss asked her
what was wrong. She told him that the kids' parrot had gotten out, and
they couldn't find the bird.
The boss told her not to worry that the bird would probably come back
soon. She replied that she was worried about what the bird might say....
the only words it knows are "Here Kitty Kitty."
A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had
lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted
to know how the caller located him.
The called said that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept
repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I can't come to the phone
right now, please leave a message at the tone."
A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative.
The parrot being a male sneaks out and screws the next door neighbors
turkeys and rushes back home before being caught in the act. The next
door neighbors knock on the door and explain what the Parrot has been
doing. The owners of the parrot reprimand him and tell him if he doesn't
stop it he's going to shave the parrots head. That night the Parrot,
overcome with desire, sneaks out again and screws his neighbors turkeys
The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave
his head. The following morning is the Farmers daughters wedding, and
in order to please the relative that gave them the parrot they sit the
parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment he has to greet all
the guests and tell them where to sit in the church. The parrot is
"Grooms side to the left and Brides side to the right"
And then two bald guys walk in and he say's, "And you two Turkey
fuckers up on the piano with me"