Blonde Jokes

Blonde Jokes


Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to 
 a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
    
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

How can you spot a flock of blonde geese?
They're the ones walking south for the winter.
   
  Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde
said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
  The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"
  
Did you hear about the suicidal blond with an identical twin?
Killed her sister by mistake.
  
  Hear about the blonde secretary who thought the fax machine wasn't
working because the original kept coming back out of the machine.
 
How do you sink a sub full of blondes?
Knock on the door.

What's dumber then two blondes building houses at the bottom of the sea?
Two blondes trying to burn them down.
  
What is the difference between a blonde in the daytime and a blonde
 at night?
In the daytime she is fair and buxom, and at night, she...

What is the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
When you smack a mosquito in the head it stops sucking.
  
How do you teach a Blond math?
You Subtract her clothes, divide her legs and watch her multiply.

What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A blow job with handle bars

What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
A mobile sperm bank.

Why did the blonde where a condom on her ear?
Because she didn't want to get hearing aids.

What do you call an eternity?
Fur blondes at a four way stop.
 
Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
She needed them for the darkroom she was building.
      
Why are the Japanese so smart?
No blondes.
    
Why was the blonde reviewing the ABCs?
She was studying for a multiple choice test.

Why do blondes put rulers on their foreheads?
They want to measure their intelligence.

Why do blondes stand under light bulbs?
It's the closest they'll come to a bright idea.

Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?
In case they have to draw blood.

Why do blondes eat so much salad?
They eat like rabbits, too.

Why did the blonde laugh when the man reached into her bra?
She knew her money was in her sock.

How are blondes like sperm?
Only one in 10 million actually do anything productive.
 
Why did the blonde baste her Turkey with Coppertone?
She didn't want the turkey to burn!
 
Why do so many blondes dye their hair roots a dark colour?
To confuse blond males.

What's the most important thing in a blonde's makeup kit?
A paint roller.

Why do they refer to blondes as "Amazon Women?"
Because they are wide at the mouth.
   
The blonde was over heard at the little General Store, saying, "Why
do you call this a general store if you don't sell generals here?"

 What did the blonde doctor say when her hands got cold after an
operation?
"Oh my gosh, I've left my gloves inside the patient!"

Did you hear about the blonde counterfeiter?
Yeah, they caught her erasing zeros from 10 dollar bills.

Why do blondes shower until the hot water runs out?
The shampoo bottle says, "Lather, rinse, and repeat!"

How do you get a divorce from a female blonde?
Tell her the baby she had isn't hers.

What do you call a blonde who uses to much contraceptive cream?
A spermicical maniac.

How are blondes like paint?
Get them all stirred up, spread them a little and you can't get
 them off your hands.

How is a blonde like a...
 Hairdryer?
   Turn her on and she starts to blow.
 Vaccum Cleaner?
   Turn her on and she starts to suck.
 Light Switch?
  Even a six year old can turn her on.

What's the difference between a blonde and garbage?
 Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
 You tie the garbage up before you take it out.

What happens when you crack open a blonde's head?
Absolutely nothing.
WARNING! If done in an enclosed room the vacuum could blow the
 windows out.
   
Doctor: "Take one of these pills 3 times a day."
Blonde Patient: "How do I take a pill more than once?"

The doctor told the blonde she was iron deficient,
 so she took up nail biting.

What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could
 lick the bowl?
"Just flush it like everybody else does."

What do you get when you cross a blonde with an ape?
A retarded ape.

Why did the blonde quit her job as a restroom attendant?
She couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!

The blonde's Space-plan has run into a hitch.
The kite just won't support the astronaut's weight.

Hear about the blonde explorer?
Yeah, she bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the
 Sahara Desert.

Hear about the blonde who tried playing water polo?
She drowned her horse!

Hear about rich blonde who bought a black and white dog?
It was cheaper than a coloured dog, and she thought Ted Turner
 could colorize it for her.

What does it take to make a blonde genius?
A mall.

What does a blonde have in common with the United States Army?
They're open to any man between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five.

Why do blondes flock around the Police sharpshooters?
They heard sharpshooters have a reputation for being great crack shots.

The horny blonde says, "Wanna play carnival?
"That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight."
 
Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?
She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.

Did you hear about the blonde who committed suicide?
She was throwing away a cigarette on top of the Empire State Building.
She threw the wrong butt off!

How do you recognise a blonde at a car wash?
She's the one on her bike.

How can you tell if the blonde biker is an aristocrat?
No spelling errors on her tattoo.

How can you recognise a blonde's pencil?
It's the one with erasers on both ends.

How can you tell a blonde from an ape?
The ape peels the banana before eating it.

Did you hear about the young blonde who was afraid of flies?
She opened one and feared no more.

How can you tell if the blonde is a nurse?
She can make a patient without disturbing the bed.

Why do blondes fear the middle age crisis?
Middle aged is when the broad mind and the narrow waist exchange places.

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents
 occur within 5 miles of home?
She moved 10 miles away.
 
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade.

Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
 
Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

There was a blonde and a brunette who were about to commit suicide.
They both juimped off the top of a tall building and a couple of seconds
later the brunette hit the pavement, but not the blonde. What happened
to the blonde?
She got lost.

  A guy asked his blonde wife, "How did you get the car in the
living room"?
  She said, "I drove it through the kitchen and took a left."

Someone asked a blonde if they believed in smoking.
She said, "Yes, I've seen it done."

I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.
She told me she didn't know how to cook them.

  This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when
the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull
your finger out, I'll sink?"

Hear about the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan,
"Billions Served - just today?"

Blondes...They take a stickin', and keep on...Lickin!

Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love 
handles" referred to her ears?

Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where
 the sun went?
It finally dawned on here.
 
How about the suicide blonde,
She dyed by her own hand.

  A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park.  The brunette
says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie".
  The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

  A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the 
wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people
 were leaving.

Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
Blonde: I don't know. Why?
It was easier to spell.
Blonde: Easier than what?

  Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was 
going to screw her brains out.
  Then I realized I was too late.

A blonde sent a post card home:
"Having a wonderful time....Where am I?"
  
What do you call a Polish girl with blonde hair?
Nothing, nobody can live with that many strikes against them. 

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawn mower?
Your green "Welcome" mat is ripped to shreds. 

How does a blonde know when sex is over?
The dome light comes on. 
    
Hear about the blonde who had a plastic surgeon add tits to her back?
She was goofy looking, but a whole lot of fun to dance with.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a blonde?
Your last blow job.
 
How can you tell the difference between a blonde and a brunette at
 an airport?
The brunette wouldn't be throwing bread crumbs to a helicopter.

Why did the blonde return her new scarf to the store?
It was too tight.

What's the worst blonde joke of all time?
Dan Quayle.

What would you call a gorgeous blonde with large breasts?
Often

How does a blonde screw in a lightbulb?
With lubricant.

What's the difference between an old blonde and a young blonde?
One uses KY jelly, the other uses Poly-Grip.

How did the blonde hemophiliac cure herself?
Acupuncture.

What would you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
Rebel without a clue.

How did the blonde get her ears pierced?
Answering the stapler.

Why don't blondes fart?
They can't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.

Why do blondes have larger brains than cocker spaniels?
So they won't hump everyone's legs at parties.
   
How does a blonde use a condom twice?
The holds it upside down and shakes the fuck out of it.
 
How do you get a blonde to stop biting her nails?
Make her wear shoes. 

What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
Retardo.
         
Why don't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
Because the vacuum in her head keeps them in place.

The young blonde was in court after a traffic accident ...
Q. Ms, were you cited in the accident?
A. Yes Sir, I was so 'cited I peed all over myself!!

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in kindergarten; which one is
 the sexiest?
The blond, because she is the only one that's 18.

Why did the blonde go to Hollywood?
Because she wanted to make love under the stars.

Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Why was the blonde laughing while the man ripped her clothes off?
She knew they'd never fit him.

What do you call a blonde at the library?
Lost!

What's a blonde's favourite rock group?
Air Supply.

Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A blond electrician

Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
 So brunettes can remember them.
 Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
 
Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?
She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!

Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

What did the blonde do when she got her period?
Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
 
Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
They keep breaking them with the hammers.

What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
Perri-air

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
It got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
   
What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
The Air Pump!
  
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
Because she got an F in sex.
 
Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.

What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg.
Nothing - they've never met.
 
What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
She can't say "No".

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
Data transfer.
 
What was the blond psychic's greatest achievment?
An IN-body experience!
 
What was the blonde surgeon's claim to fame?
The world's first hemorrhoid transplant.
  
What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress
 (reading her nametag)?
'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?

What did the South African blonde give her boyfriend?
Apart-head.
     
What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
blonde going through a flashing red light.
 
Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde
 drives a car?
Cause she blows the horn!
 
Why is a blonde like a door knob?
Cause everybody gets a turn.
 
Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
Cause she's been laid all over the country.
 
Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men!
 
If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
 ground first?
The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
The brunette. The blonde is such an air head.
  
What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 blondes.
 
What is the definition of "fuck off"?
The final round of an all blonde beauty contest.

What's the white stuff you find in a blonde's panties?
Clitty litter.

What is a bellybutton for?
It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.

What is a blonde's only complaint about oral sex?
The lousy view.

Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
Because at 69 they blow a rod...
      
What did the blonde say to the physicist?
"Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission!  What do you use for bait?"
     
Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death
 in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
  
What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
They both drip when they're fucked.

How would a blond punctuate the following?:
   "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
 
A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it
 in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please.  I could never eat twelve pieces."

How does a blonde prepare for safe sex?
She puts on rubber based lipstick.
 
What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.
 
What's the difference between a lesbian finger-fucking a blonde
 and a Schwinn at the side of the road?
One's a bike in a ditch, and the other's a... 

What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
Far-from-thinkin

Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth?
Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the
 Blonde Joke List.

What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
 The Blonde!
 The other guys waiting their turn.

What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up
 by 'the fuzz'?
'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look! Donut seeds!"
 
What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot.
     
Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).

What is the blonde's favorite battery?
Ever-ready.

What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon?
A vacant possession.

Why did the blonde fail her drivers license?
She kept getting into the back seat!
Why did she finally pass her test?
She took the examiner with her

Did you hear about the blond skydiver? 
They missed the Earth!

Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
She blew it both times!

What do a moped and a blond have in common?
They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win

What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
About 2 cans of hair spray

What's the quickest way to get into a blonde's pants?
Pick them up off the floor.

What did the Blonde get on her S.A.T.? (or A.C.T.)
Nail polish!
 
(Visual Joke)
What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first time?
"How do you shift this thing?" (you make jacking off motions)

How many blondes does it take to play tag?
One.
 
Why did they call the blond twinkie?
She liked to be filled with cream.

Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around
 and come home?
It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.

Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
 She'd just dyed her hair.
 She'd just had her hair done and she didn't want it blown around
  too much.

Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
Because it kept falling out.

Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle
 in only 6 months?
Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.

What's the difference between a fridge and a blonde?
A fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

How do you confuse a blonde? 
Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Why does it work?   
"Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
  
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
So she could lip read.

Why did God create blondes?
Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Why did God create brunettes?
Neither could the blondes.

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
To turn the blinker off.

Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

Why did the blonde want to become a veternarian?
Because she loved children.

Why did the blond take her typewriter to the doctor?
She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
 
Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
Because her boyfriend was also blond!

Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
Too many blondes were drowning.

Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.

Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
Because she gave blow-jobs literally.

Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
Because that's what they train for all their lives.

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
In case she locks the keys in her car.
 
What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
Two brunettes.

What do a blonde and Presdient Gorbachev have in common?
They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday.

What's the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?
He knows who the ten men were..

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
 One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
 Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
She picks up her purse and goes home.

What's the Blonde's cheer?
"I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B. L. O. N... ah, oh well..
 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Why did the blonde cross the road?
 Forget about that, what the hell was she doing out of bed in 
  the first place?
 I don't know.
  Neither did she.

What do Blondes say after sex?
 Thanks Guys.
 Are you boys all in the same band?
 Do you guys all play for the same team?

What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
The more you bang it the looser it gets.

What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
They both have black roots.

What does a blonde owl say?
What, what?

What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A brain tumor.

What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
The back of her head.

What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.

What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they
 go down on you.

What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.

What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.

What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
"Have another beer."

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.

What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A visitor.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted!

What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
All you can eat, under a buck.

What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
An interpreter.
 
What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?
Sweet Fuck All...

What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
Bobbing for Bimbos.
 
What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes.

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A Space Invader.

What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
Branch Manager.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A1:  A golden retriever.
A2:  A Labrador.
A3:  An indicator of a really bad hangover.

What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing
 on a street corner?
4 bucks, 4 bucks, 4 bucks, not for a zillion bucks, 4 bucks!

What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A waste.

What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
An air mattress.

What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel?
 An Air Bag.
 A scary thought.
 The loose nut behind the wheel. Yes, loose! Very loose! 

What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block.

What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.

What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A dope ring.

What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
 They both have a black box.
 Both have a cockpit.

What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change.

What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
"Thanks for the refill!"

What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
They pull up their pants.

What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
Last years hide and go seek winner.

What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A whine cellar.

What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with
 yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party!
 
Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
Because you can drop your load in a washing machine,
 and it won't follow you around for a week.

What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
"Nice tits!"

What does a blonde make best for dinner?
Reservations.

What do blondes do with their assholes first thing in the morning?
Pack their lunch and send them to work.

What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
Gee, Are you sure it's mine?

What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.

What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
They both get easier to pick up with age.

What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
  
What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
Not everyone has been in a 747

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are 
walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
 The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, 
  the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
 None of them, three don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was 
  a gum wrapper.

What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

What's the difference between a blond and an ice cream cone?
Ice cream cones don't lick back.

What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
Butter is difficult to spread.

What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Bigfoot has been spotted.
 
Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Why don't blondes double recipes?
The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
 They can't remember the number.
 She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".

Why don't blondes eat bananas?
 They can't find the zipper.
 They cant find the pull tab.

Why don't blonds breast feed?
Because they always burn their nipples.

Why don't blondes eat Jello?
They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
 little packages.

Why don't blondes eat pickles?
Because they can't get their head in the jar.

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
 Introduces themself.
 Walks home.

What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
Bucket seats.

What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sex?
Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

Why do blondes wear underwear?
They make good ankle warmers.

Why do Blondes like the GST? (Goods and Services Tax in Canada)
Because they can spell it.

What is 74 to a blonde?
69 plus G.S.T.

Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
Because red means stop.

Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."

Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Why don't blondes like hoop earrings?
Their high heels have a tendency to get caught in them.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Why do blondes wear tampons?
Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too.

Why do blondes drive VW's
Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!

Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
To cover up the valve stem.

Why do blonds have square boobs?
Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Why do Blondes take the pill?
So they know what day of the week it is.

Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes go in first.

Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
Tits go in front.

Why do blondes like tilt steering?
More head room.

Why do blonds have orgasms?
So they know when to stop having sex!
 
Why do blondes have legs? 
 So they don't get stuck to the ground.
 To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
 So they don't leave trails, like little snails.

Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
 So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo. 
 So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits. 

Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
Who cares?

Why do blondes have periods?
They deserve them

Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
From dating blonde men.

What does the postcard from a blond's vacation say?
Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

What do a blonde and a good beer have in common?
They both go down easy.

What does a blonde and a tampon have in common?
They're both stuck up cunts!

Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
 So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
 So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going
  to work or coming home.

Why do men like blonde jokes??
Because they can understand them.

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why do blondes always drink with straws?
Practice.

Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks.

Why do blondes have more fun?
 Because they don't know any better.
 They are easier to keep amused.
 Because they are easier to find in the dark. 

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun,
 they just don't remember who with.

What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
The Grand Old Duke of York only had 10,000 men.

What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
Lipstick.

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
  "What's a lightbulb?"
   One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
   Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.
 
Why is a blonde like a turtle?
They both get fucked up when they're on their back.

Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
They're doing research on black holes.

Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
 
What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a blonde track team?
The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.

What is the difference between a crazy fighting hockey player and a blonde?
He is fussy by nature and would go to any length to get a puck.

What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline? 
You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.

What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

What is the difference between a blonde and a shower?
A shower has to be turned on to get wet.

What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
Your job still sucks after 6 months.

What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?
A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.

What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo",
 while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
 
What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
Not everybody has been in a limo.

What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
 You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
 You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball.
 There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke.
 You don't eat your bowling ball
 You know they'll both eventually end up in the gutter.

How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.

How can you tell who a blonde is dating?
By the buckle print on her forehead.

How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
She has a checkbook.

How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
There is a stamp on it.

How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.
 
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.
 
How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her.

How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for french fries.
  
How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
There's white-out on the screen.

How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
There's writing on the white-out.

What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.

How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
 By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
 The cucumbers smell like fish.

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Blondes screw in back seats, not in lightbulbs, silly.

How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
One

Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
She didn't know what ONE came first...
 
What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
Divorced.

What do you call a blonde without an asshole?
Divorced.

How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!

How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.

How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
She threw it off a cliff.
 
Why don't  blondes drink beer at the beach? 
They are afraid to get sand in there Busch. 
They are afraid to get sand in there Schlitz. 

Why do blondes wear tight skirts? 
To keep their legs together.

Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
 
Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.

Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?
Her employer found out she was embezzling.

How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with
 the Toronto Maple Leafs?
She fell out of the tree.
    
Did you hear about the blond that was treated at the emergency 
 room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie cord.

Did you here about the blonde doctor?
She shaved her patients, then took off their clothes.

Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see
 20,000 leagues under the sea?
She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were
 so many teams.

Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with
 her eyes closed?
She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes?
They take off their makeup.

Did you hear about the blonde that said she would do
 anything for a fur coat?
Well, now she can't button it.(prego)
 
Did you hear about the sophisticated blonde? 
She thought her period was French Provincial.          

Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend said he loved her?
She believed him.

Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes?
I's called MAIDS - if the don't get one, they die.

Did you hear about the blond with a Masters degree in Psychology?
She'll blow your mind, too.

Did you hear about the new slogan for Miss Clairol's Hair Dye?
Buy a double batch and get a snatch to match.

Did you hear about the conceited blonde?
She screams her own name when she comes.

Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
She tied up the safe and blew the guard.

What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?
Air pockets.
 
What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain
 surgery on a blonde?
"Space. The final frontier......"
 
How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals team?
Just One... Boomer Esiason.
 
How does the blonde car pool work? 
They all meet at work at 7:45.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? 
Her IQ goes up!

What happens when a blonde puts her panties on backwards?
She gets her ass chewed out.

Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England? 
She found out Big Ben is only a clock. 

Why can't blondes make ice cubes? 
They always forget the recipe.

Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry? 
Because you don't have to marry them to have sex with them! 

How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what
 she did with her cigarette.
 
What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
Way to go team!
 
How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
By the chipped tooth.
 
How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
(I'll tell you tomorrow.)
 
How do you keep a blonde busy?
Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
To keep from bruising their ears.
 
Why do blondes have vaginas?
So guys will talk to them at parties.
 
What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
Full.
 
What does a blonde answer to the question, "Are you sexually active?"
"No, I just lie there."
 
What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning?
"Thanks, guys..."
 
Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the W's.
 
Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
 
Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
So she could keep her neck warm.

How do you confuse a blonde?
You don't. They're born that way.

Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
They're too hard to peel.
  
How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
 
What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
Proofreading.
 
What's the ultimate embarassment for a blonde?
When her Ben-Wa balls set off the airport metal detector.

What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?
A hundred dollar bill.

How is a blonde like a frying pan?
You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A 69 interrupted by a period.

How do you describe the perfect blonde?
3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

What did the blonde do when she heard the British were coming?
She stopped sucking.

What did the blonde say when she was showed her newborn baby
 in the delivery room?
I'm not going to suck anything *that* small. 
 
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? 
You keep hearing about them, but never see any. 

What does a blond say during a porno?
There I am!!

What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
One that never misses a period.
 
What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository. 

What is every blonde's ambition in life? 
To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet. 

What can save a dying blonde?
Hair transplants.

What did the blonde say when they woke woke up under the cow? 
What are you guys still doing here?

What are the worst six years of a blonde's life?
Third Grade.
 
What did the blonde think of the new computer?
She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.

How does a blonde like her eggs?
Unfertilized.
 
How do you drown a blond?
  Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
  Don't tell her to swallow.
  Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
 
How does a blonde high-5?
She smacks herself in the forehead.
 
How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
Flattered.
      
What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A know-it-all bitch.

What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
One's a phony buck.

What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

How does a blonde get pregnant?
And I thought blondes were dumb!
 
How does a blonde part their hair?
  By doing the splits. (Action of scissoring legs apart)
 
 How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
 Shine a flashlight in her ears.
   
How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
  She drops her nail-file!
  Who cares?
  She says, "Next".
  The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
  He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
  I mean, who really cares?
  The batteries have run out.
 
How do you kill a blonde?
Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
 
How do blondes pierce their ears?
They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

What did the really dumb blond say when someone blew in her bra?
Thanks for the refill.
     
What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
"It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave to her.
 
How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex?
She opens the car door.

What's the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
One has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other is a walrus.

What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around 
 for two weeks whining.

What is a blonde's idea of dental floss?
Pubic hair.

What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
 You need a quarter to use the phone.
 Only one person can use the phone at once.

What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar
 in her urine?
She peed on her corn flakes.

What did the blind blonde say to her new boyfriend as she 
 was making love to him?
"Funny, you don't feel Jewish."

What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already 
 written on the overhead transparency?
She turned it over and used the other side.

Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 and a half days?
It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.

Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
From trying to blow out lightbulbs. 

Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.

What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons?
You can also sit upright in a car.

What's the definition of a metallurgist?
A man who can tell if a platinum blonde is a virgin metal
 or a common ore.
     
What is the difference between a new blonde and an old blonde?
Vaseline and Poli-Grip.

What is the difference between a dead blonde in the road,
 and a dead skunk in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What is the difference between a blonde and a prostitute?
Prostitutes don't drive Ferrari's
     
What is the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?  
Elvis has been sighted.

What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop. 
 
What's the difference between a blonde and a bitch?
A blonde will fuck anyone, a bitch will fuck anyone but you.

What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

What's the difference between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a 
 blonde with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits.

What is blonde and green and jumps from bed to bed?
A prostitoad.

What is 68 to a blonde?
Where she goes down on you and you owe her one.

What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly
 over her ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said 'concentrate'.

Why did the blonde take two hits of acid?
She wanted to go on a round trip.

Why did the blonde with a big pussy douche with crest?
She heard that it reduces cavities..

Why did the blonde give a blow job after sex?
She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
She thought it was diet coke.
     
What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost their
 popularity?
B.J.
  
Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.

Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft.

Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
They have to pull their own pants down. 

Why do blondes wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm.

Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
It's too hard to re-train them.

What do blondes do for foreplay?
Remove their underwear.

What do blonde virgins eat?
Baby food.

What's the mating call of the blonde?
"I'm *sooo* drunk!"
 
What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
(Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
 
What's the mating call of the blonde?
"Next!"
 
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

What do you give the blonde that has everything?
Penicillin.

What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
An air bag.

How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
They spread for the bread.

What do you call a blonde on a waterbed?
Cherry Float

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth. 

What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
a foursome.

How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
Her crayons are still sticky.

How does a blonde moonwalk?
She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

Why is a blonde like Australia?
They're both down under, and no one cares.

Why do blondes like the number 77?
She likes to be 8 (ate) more.
 
Why don't blondes like anal sex
They don`t like their brains being screwed with.

Why can't blondes water-ski?
When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.

Why are blondes like pianos?
When they aren't upright, they're grand.
    
Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
Who cares?

Why can't blondes count to 70?
Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
The rest are hunt'n peckers.

How does a blond spell farm?
E-I-E-I-O

How does a bitchy blonde do it doggy style?
She takes off her clothes and makes her boyfriend roll over and beg.
     
How does a blond kill a fish?
She drowns it.

A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
  
How does a blonde hold her liquor?
By the ears.
 
How did the blonde die ice fishing?  
She was run over by the zambonis machine.    

How do you get a blonde pregnant?
Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
 
How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her she's pregnant.
 
What will she ask you?
"Is it mine?"
 
How do you get a blonde off of your knees?
Come.

How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

what's the difference between a male blond and a female blond??
the female blond has a higher sperm count 

Did you hear about the new type of the Sherwin Williams is producing
 that goes by the name of "blonde"
Yeah, it's not too bright, but it spreads real easy!

What's a fly in blonde's head.
An astronaut.

What's the difference between an ironing board and a blond?
It's more difficult to get the legs apart on an ironing board.

What does a blond use for protection ?
A bus shelter.

What's the difference between a plate of spagetti and a blond?
A plate of spagetti moves when you eat it!

How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.
 
What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and 
 a blonde?
The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
 
What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
Divorcee'.

Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
It swells at night.

Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A1: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.
A2: Their mothers told them not with there mouths full.

Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
The vegetable garden.

How can you tell if a blonde has been in the kitchen?
By the smoke.

Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out 
a book called "How to Hug"?  Got back to the dorm and found out it 
was volume seven of the encyclopedia
 
A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"
 
How do you know a blond likes you?
Easy she fucks more than once!

Why do blondes like sun roofs in cars?
More leg room.

 A midget sidles up to a tall blonde and says, "Hey, what do you 
say to  a little fuck?"  
She says, "Hello, you little fuck."
 
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme, dumpme!  

What goes, "Blonde, brown, blonde, brown, blonde, brown..."?
A naked bleach blonde doing cartwheels.

How do blonde braincells die ?
Alone.
 
How do you brainwash a blonde?
Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
 
How do you change a blonde's mind?
Blow in her ear.
Buy her another beer.

 
 
  A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state 
capitals. She proudly said," go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
  A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
  The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."



  A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird 
flying overhead.
  Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her.
  The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've
hit me right in the face!!!"



  A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly
Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into
Heaven, you have to pass a test."
  "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it 
easy.
  "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
  The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
  "That's interesting...  What made you say that?" said Saint Peter.
  Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me!
Andy tells me..."



  The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior K-9 unit, 
was somewhat taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from work, 
a blonde haired women, had been shocked to find her house ransacked and 
burglarized.
  She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police
dispatcher broadcasted the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit 
patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As the K-9 officer 
approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the 
porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned.
  "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the 
police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman."



  Three women escaped from prison.  One was a redhead, one a 
brunette, and one a blond.
  They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they 
decided to hide in the hayloft and rest.  When they climbed up, 
they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them
for camouflage.
  About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the 
barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the 
hayloft.  When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw 
and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."
  The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the 
deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She 
went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog 
in it.
  Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it.  She went, 
"Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.
  Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was 
no sound at all.
  So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".



  An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde
stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in 
another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the 
stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop 
and stay overnight.
  The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for 
the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. 
He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her 
up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, 
sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
  "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, 
"Why not?"
  The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in 
here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, 
and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"



  A blonde gets an oppurtunity to fly to a nearby country. She 
has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited 
and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she 
started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and 
starts shouting 'BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....'.
  She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the 
cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot 
comes out and shouts 'BE SILENT!'.
  There was pin-drop silence every where and everybody is 
looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the 
pilot in silence for a moment and all of a sudden started 
shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!! OE...'.



  A man came upon a distraught young blonde lady weeping beside 
her car.
  "Do you need some help?" he asked. She replied, "I knew I 
should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. 
Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a 
distant convenience store) would have a battery for this remote 
thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to the 
gentleman.
  As he took the key and manually unlocked the door, he replied,
"Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...
it's a long walk."
 


  A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in Vegas, and puts in a coin. 
Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some 
more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and 
of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks. 
  Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics 
for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else 
could have a go. 
  The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you  see 
I'm winning??"


 
  A lady is walking in to work to work and on her way into the
building she turns to a man and says," T G I F!" and the man 
turns to her and replies,"  S-H-I-T!" 
  So the woman looks at him but says nothing and keeps walking
to the elevator, which the man is also taking. Before she gets
off the elveator, she tries again,"T-G-I-F!" and the man 
replies,"S-H-I-T!"
  So now the lady is starting to get mad but again says nothing.
All day long she can' think of anything but this man's response.
Finally at the end of the day, as she's walking out of the 
building, she sees the same man and decides to give it one more 
try,"T-G-I-F!" and again the man replies,"S-H-I-T!"
  So now she's really mad and asks him," Excuse me sir, but do 
you know what T-G-I-F means?"
  Man - "Yes I do, Thank God It's Friday. Do you know what 
S-H-I-T means?"
  Lady - "No, I don't."
   Man - "Sorry Honey It's Thursday!" 



  A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked 
to see the 'upturn'.
  "I think you mean the intern, don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.
  "Yes, I guess I do,"  said the girl.  "I want to have a
'contamination'."
  "You mean 'examination,'" corrected the nurse.
  "Well, I want to go to the 'fraternity' ward, anyway."
  "I'm sure," said the nurse, "that you're thinking of the
'maternity' ward."
  To which the girl replied:  "Upturn, intern; contamination;
examination; fraternity, maternity... what's the difference?  
  All I know is, I haven't demonstrated in two months and I think 
I'm stagnant !!!



  A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. 
In the first room she said she would like a pale blue.  The 
contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and 
yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!"  In the second room she told him she 
would like it painted in a soft yellow.  He wrote this on his 
pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
  The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.  In the third 
room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.  The 
painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled,
"GREEN SIDE UP!"
  The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
  "I'm sorry," came the reply.  "But I have a crew of blondes laying
sod across the street.



  This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His 
boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and 
"can you handle it?
  "The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's
positive comments he finally agrees.
  So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white 
woman comes in.
  She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
  He answers, "$35."
  She:  "How much for the black one?"
  He:   "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
  She:  "I think I'll take the black one.  I've never had a black 
one before."  She pays him, and off she goes.
  A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for 
the black dildo?"
  He:  "$35."
  She: "How much for the white one?"
  He:  "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
  She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one.  I've never had a 
white one before..."
  She pays him, and off she goes.
  About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How 
much are your dildos?"
  He:  "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
  She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
  He:  "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
  She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, 
I've never had a plaid one before...."
  She pays him, and off she goes.
   Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while 
I was gone?"
  To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one 
white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"



  Two blonde bank robbers have just committed a brazen bank robbery.  
In the getaway car, the driver says to his accomplice, "Hey, look 
out the back and see if the cops are after us."
  "How will I know they're cops?"
  "They'll have their flashers on."
  So the accomplice turns around and says, 
"Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..."



  There was a competition to cross the English channel doing 
only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race 
were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
  After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on 
shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the 
redhead crawled up on the shore and had won second place.
  Nearly four hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore 
and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
  When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete 
the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore 
loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."



  A blonde goes into a beauty salon for a face and hair makeover.  
She's wearing a walkman with big headphones.  The guy sits her down 
and says, "You'll have to take those headphones off so I can do your
hair properly."
  She says "Oh my god, but, like, my boyfriend, like, he said that, 
like, if I take them off, like, gross, man, I'd like, die!"
  The guy says, "Nah, don't think so hon'.  Take 'em off and I'll 
be with you in five minutes."
  He comes back after five minutes and the blonde is slumped in the 
chair, dead.  Horrified, the guy puts on the headphones and listens.
All he hears is a male voice saying, "Breathe in ... breathe out ... 
breathe in ..."



  There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a 
fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. 
  The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is 
turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
  The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the 
previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired 
woman.  The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the 
island.  
  The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the 
previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across 
the bridge. 



  A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette:  Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde:  That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette:  My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde:  ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.



  Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde:   Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde:   Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde:   Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde:   No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde:   We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all 
          fell and hurt ourselves.



  A state trooper pulls over a blonde on a lonely back road and says, 
"Ma'am, is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?"
  The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!  I almost
had an accident!  I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me.
So, I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me.  
Then, I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
  The officer reached through the side window to the rear view mirror, 
and explained, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."



  There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead,
and a blonde.
  The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about
20 miles to shore.  So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore."
  So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten 
miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
  The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made 
it.  I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here 
and starve." So she attempts to swim out.  
  The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam 
out 10 miles before she even  got tired.  After 15 miles, she was too 
tired to go on, so she drowned.
  So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think
I'd better try to make it, too."  So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 
15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island.  The shore was just in sight,
but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!"  So she swam back.



  A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
  "Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
  "Driver's licence? What's that?..."
  "It's a little card with your picture on it."
  "Oh, duh! Here it is..."
  "May I have your car insurance?"
  "What's that?..."
  "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
  "Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
  The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde 
exclaims, "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"



  Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of 
their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting 
to rain and the top is down!



  A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the 
bartender:
 Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
 Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
 Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
 Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
 Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
 Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
 Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
 Bartender: "What's a 15?"
 Blonde: "7 and 7"



  Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival 
of their first children.
  The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz 
I conceived while I was on my back".
  The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top
during conception".
  The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"



  A young blonde woman is asked out on a date and accepts. The boy picks
her up and they go to a nearby carnival in town. They ride a few rides, 
play a few games, and seem to be generally hitting it off well. During 
a sort of romantic lull, however, the boy says, "What do you want to do
now?"
  "I want a weigh," she says.
  Well, OK, thinks the boy. They walk over to the fortune scales, and 
weigh her.  They play a few more games and stop for foods. 
  "What do you want to do now?" asks the boy again.
  "I want a weigh," she says.
  Hmmm, a little odd but I'll put up with it, thinks the boy. Again they
get her weight and fortune. After yet another few games and an exquisite
fireworks show, the boy repeats, "What do you want to do now?"
  "I want a weigh," she says.
  Damn, thinks the boy, she's just too weird for me. They get her weight
and fortune, and the boy drives her home.
  As she walks into the house, her sister asks, "How'd your date go?"
  "Wousy," says the girl.



  There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. 
The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the 
blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the 
road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing.
  The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, 
it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim
I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"



  A blonde call girl was being driven to a secluded spot by a client
when his car left the road, hit a tree and she was flung through the
windshield. She was rushed to the hospital with blood pouring from 
her head and face.
  Once at the hospital she clamped her hands to her face and began 
to scream "I'm blind. I'm blind. Fetch me a doctor quick."
  A doctor was summoned and quickly deduced that it was the blood 
from her wounds which were blocking her vision and he tried to 
reassure her to this effect. She, however, insisted, continuing to
shout. "I'm blind f'chris'sake. I'm blind.
  The doctor pried away her hands from her face and began to wash 
away the blood from her eyes. When he had removed what he considered
enough, he stood back and said "How many fingers do I have up?"
  The call girl thought for a few seconds then a look of horror 
spread across her face. "Oh God!" she exclaimed. "I'm paralyzed too!"



  A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer, 
knowing that blondes are stupid, decides to start with the basics.
  "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"     
  The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds 
before replying "Ehhhh ... 22!".
  The interviewer tries another straight forward one to break the
ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?".
  The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her 
handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape
to the top of her head.  She checks the measurement and announces,
"Five foot two!".
  This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real 
basics.  "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
  The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds,
mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!".
  The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks,
 "Just out of curiosity, miss.  We can understand your counting on 
your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your 
height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
  "Ohh that!", replies the blonde, "That's just me running through, 
'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...' ".



  There was a typical blond.  She had long, blond hair and was sick 
of all the blond jokes!  One day, she decided to get a makeover, so 
she cut and dyed her hair.  She also went out and bought a new 
convertible.  She went driving down a country road and came across 
a flock of sheep.  She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
  That's a nice flock of sheep." she said.
  "Well thank you." said the herder.
  "I have a proposition for you," said the woman. "If I can guess 
the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" she 
asked.
  "Sure," snickered the herder.
  So the woman sat up and looked at the herd for a second and 
said, "382"
  "Wow" said the herder, "That's right.  Go ahead and pick out the 
sheep you want."
  So the woman went out and picked out her favorite and put it in 
her car.
  The herder said, "O.K. now I have a proposition for you."
  "What is it?" asked the woman.
  "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"



  A blonde goes into an appliance store looking for a television.  
After a few minutes, she picks one out and approaches the salesman.
  "I want to buy this television."she says.
  The salesman replies " Sorry, we don't serve blondes here."
  She gets mad, leaves and goes home.
  She dyes her hair brown and returns to the store.
  "I want to buy this television." she says to the salesman, getting
the same response; "Sorry miss, we don't serve blondes here."
  She leaves again, frustrated.  She goes home and proceeds to shave
her head, eyebrows and all, leaving no visible trace of blonde hair 
on her head. Upon returning to the store, she once again approaches 
the salesman.
  "Sir, I would like to purchace this television, and I don't want 
any problems."
  To which the salesman replies, "Sorry Miss, We don't serve blondes." 
  Fed up with this, She cries, "How can you tell that I am a blonde? 
I have dyed my hair and even resorted to shaving my head!"
  To which the salesman replied, "Well Miss, that television you are
trying to buy is a microwave!"



Petishun

  We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes 
about us. We think this is hairassment.  It causes us grate stress and
makes our roots turn dark.  We have hired a loyer and he is talking to
the loyers at Clairol.  We will take this all the way to the supream 
cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will
be on are side. We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to
stop this pursicushun.  We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet 
jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke.
  If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond 
and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

  Sined by the blonds at the ofise
________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________

(sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mestake)



  A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park.  The brunette
says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie".
  The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"



Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we
       could do without the ironing lady.
Blonde Wife:  Well, if you would learn to fuck me properly we
              could do without the gardener.



  A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw 
a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she
said to herself "oh well!" and turned around an drove home.



  On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said,
 "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she 
had cleaned 43 restrooms.



  A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the 
wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
        people were leaving.



  After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a 
blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some 
food to replenish his just-spent energy. He pours himself a glass of
milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still 
pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off.
  Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how
you refilled those."

 

  A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.  The brunette said that
her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him, "Head and
Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
  The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"



Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
Blonde: I don't know. Why?
Teller: It was easier to spell.
Blonde: Easier than what?



  Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and 
said, "Oh, look at the deer tracks."
  The other blonde looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are
wolf tracks."
  "No. Those are deer tracks."
  They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were 
both killed by a train.



  The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what 
was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her.
  Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about
the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma.  I can fuck and 
suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook"



  A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through 
the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"
  "Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start 
over and talk slower?"


 
   At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out
at the same time.  A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes off,
leaving its owner rather perplexed.
  About three minutes later, she reappears at the car wash yelling, 
"who ripped off my car phone!"



  A blonde is suffering froma sore throat so she goes to see the doctor.
  She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. 
He gets out his torch and says "Open wide".
  "I can't," replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms."



  A blonde friend of mine was looking for some transportation, so I 
bought her a Woody.  I called her up later and asked how she like it.
  She told me it was OK, but that it didn't look so good once she had
taken it out of the crate.



  A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can 
practice safe sex).  She walks up to the pharmicist and asks, "How 
much for a box of rubbers?"
  "They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax."
  "Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."



  Another blonde, another store.  She goes over to the deodorant 
display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my 
husband."
  "Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk.
  "No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."

      

  Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when 
her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?
  "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
  

  The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave 
and she says, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying
in first class until we reach Jamaica."
   The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the 
rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they decide this is a job 
for the pilot.
   The pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. 
She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. 
The head stewardess asks the pilot what he said to get her to move.
  The pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't 
going to Jamaica".



  A dyslexic blonde and a dyslexic brunette both wanted to raise 
money to help treat dyslexia.  They agreed that each would create
a sign, go to a different location in the city, and then return 
to compare their efforts.
  The brunette returned chagrined, with nothing to show for her
efforts except the sign with the distorted spelling of dyslexia:
lady exis.
  The blonde, however, had collected an enormous amount of money,
and she proudly showed her cohort the money and the sign: daily sex.



  Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies
Room, there is a very special mirror.  If one stands in front of the
mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one 
tells a lie, *POOF* one is instantly swallowed up by the mirror, 
never to be seen again.
  A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room, stands
before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in
the world."
  *POOF* The mirror swallows her.
  Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, 
"I think I'm the sexiest woman alive!"
  *POOF* The mirror swallows her.
  Then a blond comes in, stands before the mirror and says, 
"I think..." 
  *POOF* 



  A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group for
a chartered-double-decker bus trip to London.  There are only 2 seats
left on the bottom of the bus, and only 1 seat on the top of the bus 
available when they board.  The young ladies decide to take turns 
riding on the top, and flip a coin to see who gets the first turn.
  The blonde wins the toss.
  A couple of hours later, it's the redhead's turn.  She takes the 
steps to the top and sees the blonde, sitting there scared half to 
death.  She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her 
knuckles are white.
  "What's goin' on?" the redhead asks. "We're havin' a grand old time
down below, singing and laughing."
  The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."



  There once was a prince who said whoever can jump off this cliff and
survive can marry me... so a blonde, brunette and red head all try.. 
  First the brunette goes, jumps off the cliff and dies.
  Then the red head jumps and dies.
  Then the blonde goes and she safely lands at the bottom of the cliff
and rushes up to the prince.. he then replies how did you do that???
  Smugly she replied, "My maxi pad has wings"



  A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are riding in an elevator from 
the 14th floor to the lobby. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator
wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain."
  The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum 
stain," she says. 
  The blonde leans over and tastes the spot, then says, "Well, it's 
nobody from this building."
  


  A blonde, a brunette and a redhead apply for a position at a 
large company.
  First the brunette goes in.
  The guy looks over her application and asks her one question, 
"How many D's are there in 'Bonanza'?"  
  The brunette replies, "None." 
  The guy says, "OK, you may go into the next room for the next 
stage of the interviewing process."
  The redhead goes in next.
  The guy asks her the same question, "How many D's are in 'Bonanza'?"
  She replies, "None." 
  The guy says, "OK, you may go into the next room."
  The Blonde goes in and he asks the same question, "How many D's 
are in 'Bonanza'?" 
  After counting on her fingers for a few minutes the blonde 
replies, "77." 
  The guy in shock asks her how she came up with 77.
  She says, "Dun da da dun dun da dun dun da da" (Bonanza theme)...



  A rather large busted blond was trying on an extremely low-cut dress.
As she studied herself in the mirror, she asked the sales lady if she 
thought it was too low-cut.
  "Do you have hair on your chest?" the saleswoman asked.
  "No!", replied the blond.
  "Then", the saleswoman said, "it's too low-cut!"



  Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, 
an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having 
a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her
brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at
all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter 
how much power she applied.
  After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to 
a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. 
  A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working
order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop 
was the correct size and pitch.  So, one of the marina guys jumped 
in the water to check underneath.  He came up choking on water, he 
was laughing so hard.
  Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
  


  A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink
it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel-off prize. She 
pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON 
a motor home!"
  The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest 
prize given away was a mini van!"
  The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"
  By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says,
"You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have 
that as a prize!"
  Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON 
a motor home!"
  The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, 
"WIN A BAGEL."



  A blonde's car broke down on the Interstate, so the driver eased 
over onto the shoulder.  They carefully stepped out of the car and 
opened the trunk.  Out jumped two men in trench coats, who walked 
to the rear of the vehicle where they stood facing on-coming traffic
and began opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching
 drivers.
  Not surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups occurred.
  It's not very long before a police car shows up.  The cop, clearly
enraged, ran towards the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, 
"What the heck is going on here?"
   "My car broke down," said the blonde, calmly.
   "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?", 
screamed the cop.
  "Those are my emergency flashers!", replied the blonde.



  A blonde and her husband were really broke and desperate for some
money. The blonde tells her husband she is going to go out and sell
her body to help pay the bills.
  Reluctantly he agrees to the idea.
  The blonde leaves that night around 8:00pm, dressed very sexily.
About 8:00am the next day she returns begraggled and tired.
  Her husband inquires, 'Well how much did you get?'
  'Twenty-seven dollars and 25 cents', she beamed proudly.
  'What cheap S.O.B. gave you the quarter?'
  'They ALL did!'
         


  A blonde was taking a golf lesson. She was doing awfully, hitting 
the ball into the trees, or just beating the grass with the club. 
  The instructor was getting rather desperate at this and finally 
said, 'I think the problem is with your grip on the club.  You 
should hold it more lightly and tenderly. Imagine the club is man's 
you-know-what.'
  The blonde thought about this for a while, then took the club and 
hit the golf ball. It flew beautifully, up to the putting green and 
then rolled to the hole.
  The instructor was amazed and exclaimed, 'That was a splendid hit!
Now, next time, hold the club in your hands and not in your mouth.'



  Two blond men were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was
crying, tears were pouring down his face. The other blond man asked, 
"Why are you crying?" 
  The first one replied, "I came here for a blood test."  
  The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?" 
  The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut
my finger to get a sample."
  Hearing this, the second blond started crying.  The first one was
astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"
  The second blond replied, "I've come for a urine test."



  A very depressed blond woman was so desperate, that she decided to 
end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to
the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her,
and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the
morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take 
good care of you and bring you food every day."
  Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 
"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
  The girl nodded 'yes'.  After all, what did she have to lose? That 
night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From
then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of 
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
  Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by 
the captain.
  "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. 
  "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. 
  "He's taking me to Europe and in return he's screwing me."
  "He sure is, lady," said the Captain. 
"This is the Staten Island Ferry." 



  A man was at the laundramat alone cleaning his clothes. He noticed
the clothes he was wearing were dirty too, so he took them off and 
stuck them in the wash also.  Sitting there buck naked he pulled out
a cigarette.  Before he could light it up two incredibly gorgeous 
blondes walked through the door.  He was in shock!  Embarrassed, he 
made like he was a statue. The two blonde women came over to him. The
first one pulled his crank and the cigarette came falling out of his 
mouth.
  She said "Oh look! It's a cigarette dispenser!"
  The next girl tried but no cigarette came out so she kept on pulling.
  Finally she said "No silly, it's not a cigarette dispenser it's a 
hand lotion dispenser!"



  A lawyer and a beautiful blonde are sitting next to each other on 
a long flight from LA to NY.  The lawyer leans over to her and asks 
if she would like to play a fun game.
  The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.  The lawyer persists 
and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
  He explains, "I ask you questions, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5 and visa-versa."
  Again she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
  The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know 
the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay 
you $50!", figuring that since she is a blonde that he will still 
easily win the match.
  This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will 
be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
  The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the 
earth to the moon?"
  The blond doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out 
a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
  Now it's the blonde's turn.
  She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes
down with four?"
  The lawyer gives her a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer 
and searches all his references.  He taps into the Airphone with his 
modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.  Frustrated, 
he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no
avail. After over two hours, he wakes the blond and hands her $50.
  The beautiful blond politely takes the $50 and turns away to get 
back to sleep.
  The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blond again
and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?  
  What goes up a hill on three legs and comes down with four?"
  Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the 
lawyer $5, and went back to sleep.



  Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing 
poles with the lines in the water.
  A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps one of them on the shoulder
and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
  "We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
  "Well,if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses", said the 
Game Warden.
  "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all
have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off 
the bottom of the river."
  The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were
horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
  "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all
the  debris you want."
  And with that, the Game Warden left. 
  As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes 
started laughing  hysterically.
  "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two,
"doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!
 


  A blonde who has never ridden before and has never had lessons 
decides that she is going to go horseback riding. She mounts the
horse unassisted and immediately the horse starts to gallop at a
nice steady pace.
  The blonde, however, is bouncing from side-to-side.  She tries 
to grab the horses mane, but she can't get a secure hold.  Then 
she leans forward and throws her arms around the horses neck.  
All to no avail.
  The horse gallops on oblivious to its riders plight.  The blonde
starts to slip from the saddle and his holding on to the side of 
the horse.
  Finally, she decides to throw herself free. Unfortunately, her 
foot gets caught in the stirrup and as the horse gallops on, her 
head is banging up and down on the ground.  
 Just as she's about to lose consciousness, her quarter ran out.



  A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted
a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very 
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After
becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the 
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my
own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
  The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck 
out and catch yourself a big one.
  Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on 
catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is
driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in 
the water, shotgun in hand.
  Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward
her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort
hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the 
dead creatures.  
  The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the 
alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one
isn't wearing any shoes either!

 
 
  A planeload of blondes was flying from California to New York in 
a four engine plane when the captain came on the intercom and said 
that there would be a 30 minute delay because one of the engines 
quit working. A little while later the captain came on again and 
said there would be a 60 minute delay because another engine quit
working. Ten minutes later he came on again and said now we will 
be one hour and 30 minutes late due to the fact that the third 
engine stopped also.
  Just then one blonde turned to another one and said, "Boy, if 
that fourth engine quits we'll be up here forever"



  A guy took a blonde out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked
at a "lovers point" where they started making out. After things 
started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he 
asked her, "Do you want to get into the back seat?"
  "NO!" she answered.
  Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet.
  Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and
things are getting really hot, so he asks again. "Do you want to get
into the back seat?"
  "NO!", she answers again.
  Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has
his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now.
  "Do you want to get into the back seat NOW", he asks again?
  "NO!", she answers yet again.
  Frustrated, he demands, "Well, why not!"
  "Because I want to stay up here with you!"



  A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what 
her dad had once told her.  If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, 
wait for a snow plow and follow it. Pretty soon a snow plow came by,
and she started to follow it.
  She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the 
driver of the snow plow got out and asked her what she was doing. 
She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in 
the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, Well, I'm 
done with the Wal-Mart lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart...



  A blonde was driving her car one day, when she ran into a hail storm.
The hail was large and made a lot of dents in the roof of her car. After
the hail stopped, she went to a gas station and asked the attendant what
she could do to get the dents out of her car.
  The attendant being a smart-ass, told her, "Blow real hard into the 
exhaust pipe, and that should push out the dents."
  When the blonde got home, not knowing any better, she did just that.
While she was down on her hands and knees with her lips wrapped around
her car's tail-pipe, huffing and puffing trying to blow the dents out,
her roommate --also a blonde-- came home.
  Her roommate, of course, asked her what the heck she was doing.
The first blonde told her how the guy at the gas station said this was
how she could get the dents out.
  The second blonde thought about it for a moment, then said, "Like duh.
You have to roll up the windows first..."



  A blond from Arkansas is going on his first overseas trip.  He drives
all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport.  In the passport
office, the government official sees that he is visibly puzzled filling
his passport application.
  The passport official looks over his shoulder, and sees the blond
trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.
  The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this
question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."
  "Doesn't matter," the blond answers.



  Cathy, the world's most avid baseball fan and blond, had arrived
early at the stadium for the first game of the series between local
rival teams only to realize that she had left her ticket at home.  
Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, she went to the ticket
booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's wait
she was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, 
"Hey, Linda!"
  Cathy looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner 
of the voice -- with no success.
  Then she realized she had lost her place in the line, and had to 
go back to the end of the line and wait all over again.
  After she had purchased her ticket, she was thirsty, so she went 
to buy a beer.  The line at the concession stand was also very long.
But since the game hadn't started she decided to wait.  Just as she
got to the window, a voice called out "Hey, Linda!"
  Again Cathy tried to find the voice and got out of line as she
wandered looking for the owner of the voice.  But no luck.
  Cathy was very upset as she got back in line for her beer.
  Finally she had her beer and took her seat eager for the game 
to begin.  As she waited for the first pitch, she heard the voice 
calling, "Hey, Linda!" once more.
  Furious, Cathy stood up and yelled a the top of her lungs,
"My name isn't Linda!"



  A man's blonde wife decided one day that she was sick and tired of 
all the blonde jokes, and how all blondes were perceived as stupid and
helpless. So, she decided to show her husband that blondes really were
smart and self-reliant. While he was off at work, she decided she would
paint a	couple of rooms in the house.
  The next day, right after hubby left for work, she got down to the 
task at hand.
  Her husband arrived home at 5:30 and smelled the distinctive odor of
paint.  He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat while wearing a ski jacket over her good 
full-length fur coat.
  "Darling!  Are you alright?" he asked with concern.
  "Yes, dear.  Just a little tired," came the reply.
  "Well, I've got to say, you've done a nice job painting these two 
rooms. But, why? You know I've always taken care of that kind of stuff."
  She replied, "Yes, I know.  But I wanted to prove to you that not all
blonde women are dumb and helpless.  I thought I could do that by 
painting the living and dining rooms."
  "Well, you've done that, sweetheart," replied her husband, "and a nice
job of it too. But what's the deal with the ski jacket and your fur?"
  Came the wifely reply, "Well, I read the directions on the back of the
paint can, and it said, `For best results, put on two coats.'"



  While cruising the Interstate, the state trooper passed a blond, 
who was knitting while driving. The Trooper decided to stop the 
blonde driver and rolled down his passenger side window.
  He pulled up beside the blond driver and shouted, "Pull Over!!!"
  The distraught blonde looked, and said, "Nah, it's just a scarf..."



  A blonde goes out to her mail box, looks in, closes the door and goes
back into her house.
  A few minutes later she comes out, goes to her mail box, looks in, 
closes the door and goes back into her house. 
  She repeats this process serveral times before a neighbor who has 
been witnessing this series of events says to her; "You must be 
expecting a very important letter or package today." 
  The blonde answeres; "No, I'm working on my computer and it keeps 
telling me that I have mail." 



  A man takes his (blonde) wife hunting for the first time. Puts her 
in a stand and gives her all the safety instructions.  He then goes to 
his stand which is about 1/4 mile away. Hears a shot from her direction
so he comes a running. When he comes over the hill he sees his (blonde)
wife arguing with a man.
  As he gets closer he hears the man say "Mam, you can keep the "deer" 
but can I please get my saddle off 'em."



  A blonde was looking for a way to make some extra money, so she 
decided to go door to door and see if she could do some chores for
cash.
  She knocked on the door of the first house and asked the man if 
he had any odd jobs she could do for him today?
  He thought for a minute and said, "Yes. You could paint my porch 
for me, and I will pay you $50.00.
  That seemed fair to the blonde so she agreed to do it. The man 
showed her where she could find the paint and brushes and went back
in the house.
  About a half hour later, the blonde was back at the door and said
she was done.
  The man replied, "Wow, that was fast. Are you sure your done 
already?"
  To which the blonde replied, "Yes, but by the way that is not a 
porch it's a Ferrari!"



  A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting
workers.  The next day, two groups of workers show up. A crew of
five Italian men and a crew of five blonde women.
  The company cannot decide who to give the job to, so they give 
them a test.
  The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole 
that they must install into the ground.  Whoever is able to hammer
it in first, they will get the job."
  Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the
Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back.
  A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns.
"YAY!!" they shout. "We came back first, we get the job!!"  
  "Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the
other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed
is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down."
  "Fine, no problem," say the men. 
  An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00,
the Blonde crew arrive. All the group is flushed and breathing hard,
as if they had just gone through harsh labor.
  "What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss. 
  "What do you mean, 'what took so long'?? Do we get the job?"
  "YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"
  "Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the
pole in halfway!!" 



  A blonde, down on her luck and not able to pay her bills, was 
starting to feel desperate.  In order to raise some money, she 
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the
playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him,
"I've kidnapped you."
  She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree
next to the slide on the north side of the playground."
  She signed the ransom note, "Signed, A Blonde."
  The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him 
home to show it to his parents.
  The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag
was sitting beneath the pecan tree.  She opened the bag and found 
the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a 
fellow blonde?"



  A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive
when she cut off a truck driver.  He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk 
from his pocket.  He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde,
"Stand in the circle and DON'T MOVE!".
  He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.  When he
turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, 
you think that's funny? Watch this."
  He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window
in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her
face.  He is getting really mad.  He gets his knife back out and 
slices all her tires.  Now she's laughing. The truck driver is 
really starting to lose it.  He goes back to his truck and gets 
a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns
around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
  "What's so funny ?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
  She replied, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the
circle 4 times"



  A couple of days ago when I picked up a friend and his blonde wife
to take them to the airport to fly out to California. When I advised
them that it might be raining in California, Judi said, "We need an 
umbrella."
  Her husband replied, "There's an umbrella in the car."
  Judi looked at him quizzically and said, "But we're not taking the
car to California."



  A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by
the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
  "I'm afraid I don't have a husband", she replies.
  "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
  "No, no boyfriend either."
  "Do you have a partner then?"
  "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
  After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You
have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see
her that the baby is black"
  "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money
and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead
man was black."
  "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my
business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions
but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
  "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed
the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie,
what else could I do?"
  "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my
business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
  "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there
was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
  At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents
her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the
bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank god
for that!"
  "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
  "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible
feeling that it was going to bark."



  A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message 
to her mother overseas.  When the man told her it would cost $300,
she  exclaimed, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to
get a message to my mother!"
  The man arched an eyebrow, "Anything?"
  "Yes, anything," the blonde promised.
  With that, the man said, "Follow me."
  He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the
door.
  She did.
  He then said, "Get on your knees."
  She did.
  He then said, "Take down my zipper."
  She did.
  He then said, "Go ahead...take it out."
  She took it out, grabbed hold with both hands...then paused.
  The man closed his eyes, and whispered, "Well...go ahead!"
  The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it, and while
holding it close to her lips, tentatively said, "Hello, Mom?!"



  A blonde woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her 
on a diet.
  "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and
repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll
have lost at least 5 pounds." 
  When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly
20 pounds.
  "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my 
instructions?" 
  The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going 
to drop dead that third day."
  "From hunger, you mean?" 
  "No, from skipping." 
 


   A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.
One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some 
four-by-twos." 
  The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
  The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. 
  He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
  "Alright. How long do you need them?"
  The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check." 
  After awhile, the blond returned to the office and said, "A long time.
We're gonna build a house.
 
 

  A Blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly
that day.  As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to
instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
  He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics 
and sent her on her way.
  Who Said Blondes Can't Fly after she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed
in. "I'm doing great!  I love it!  The view is so beautiful, and I'm
starting to get the hang of this."
  After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming
to fly.
  The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning
to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
  A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half
a mile away.  He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.  When he 
asked what happened, she said, "I don't know!  Everything was going 
fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.  I can't
remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

 

  A knock-out blonde was driving thru Washington DC and made an illegal
left turn. The traffic cop had to blow his whistle vigorously and 
repeatedly before she finally stopped.
  "Didn't you hear my whistle lady?" he demanded.
  Wide-eyed and innocent, the blonde batted her eyelashes and said,
"Yes indeed I did. But I never flirt while driving." 

 

  A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true
what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys
put their thingies?"
  "Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally
come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
  "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"



  A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her
right breast hanging out.
  A policeman approaches her and says,  "Ma'am, are you aware that
I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
  She says, "Why, officer?"
  "Because your breast is hanging out."
  She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the
bus again!"



  The blonde woman had waited a long time to get pregnant.  When she
finally had the baby, she was as proud as can be.  She telephoned 
everyone to tell them of her new bundle of joy.  One afternoon all 
her relatives come to visit to meet the newest member of their family.
  When they ask to see the baby, the new mother said, "Not yet."
  A little later they ask to see the baby again.
  Again the blonde mother said, "Not yet."
  Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"
  And the blonde mother said, "When the baby cries."
  So the agitated relatives asked, "why do we have to wait until the
baby cries?"
  The new mother guiltily admitted, "Because I forgot where I put it."



  A lady calls 911, "My house is burning down, help please... ohhhhh."
 (whining)
911 operator: "Okay, slow down..."
  Lady: "Hurry, please,  my house is burning my house is burning!"
 (almost yelling)
911: "I understand,  but..."
  Lady : " Hurry...."(whining again) 
911: "But how do we get to your house?"
  The Blond Lady exclaims, "Well, duuhhhh! In the big red truck,
of course!"



  Two blondes are walking down the street. One blonde finds a little 
mirror, looks in it, again, and again.
  Puzzled, she says to her friend, "I just know I've seen this face
before!"
  "Give it to me", says the other blonde. She looks in the mirror 
and says, "Of course, you silly! It's me!!"



  At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night
of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known
generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations
with you?"
  "Yes." whispered the girl, her head bowed.
  "And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your
knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.
  "Oh no." she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real
fancy Mazdas."



  Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.  As they were approaching
Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
  As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you
please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
  The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr,
gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."



  Two blondes purchased a bird dog. They took the dog out to give it 
a try. After a long while, one blonde said to the other, "Well, we'll
throw him up in the air one more time. If he doesn't fly, we'll shoot
the son of a gun!"



  "I resent that remark." said the blonde as she rose from the cafeteria
table. "I'll give you 5 seconds to take that back."
  "Oh yeah?" snarled the dark haired woman, who upon standing was head
and shoulders above the blonde.
  "Suppose I don't take it back in five seconds?"
  "Well..." stammered the blonde, "how much time do you think you'll 
need then?" 



  Judi the blonde runs crying into the office.
  "Whatever is wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.
  "It's my boyfriend Paul the PORSCHE DRIVER" gushes Judi. "He was 
working on the back engine in the hood of his 911 when the lid came
down and cut off a finger!"
  "My god", shrieks Carol. "It didn't amputate his WHOLE finger!"
  "No, thank goodness", sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next
to it!"



  A blonde man is working as a carpenter's apprentice building a house.
The boss (balding but blonde) notices the apprentice pick up a nail, 
study it and throw it into the trash. He picks up another, stares at 
it and proceeds to hammer it into the wood. This continues in random 
fashion with nails either used or rejected.
  Curious, the boss walks over and says, "What's wrong with some of
those nails?"
  "They have the head on the wrond end!"
  "You idiots! Those are for the other side of the house..."



  While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis
ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into
the pocket of his shorts.
  Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, 
waiting for the lights to change.
  A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
  "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
  "Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "that must be painful.... 
I had tennis elbow once."  




  A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.  Her boss
concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically,
"What's the matter?"
  To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call
saying that my mother had passed away."
  The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl.
"Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy just take
the day off to relax and rest."
  The blonde very calmly states, "No.I'd be better off here. I need to
keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
  The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... "
  If you need anything just let me know."
   Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.
he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!
  He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be 
okay??"
  "No", exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my
sister and she said that her mom died too!"



  A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to 
a customer's door stating, "I need 45 gallons of milk."  
  He knocked on the door and a beautiful blonde gal answered.  
  "Is this a mistake?" the milkman asked.   
  "No," she said, "I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing
in milk is a good aphrodisiac."
  "Really," replied the milkman.  "Do you want that pasteurized?"
  "No, up to my tits would be fine," she said.
				


  A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone with a problem.
  "What's the matter?" he asks.
  "Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard.
None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
  "What's the picture of?" he asks.
  "It's of a big rooster," she replies.
  "All right," he says, "I'll come over and have a look."
  When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads
him over to the kitchen table where she has it laid out. 
  He takes one look at what she's been struggling with and 
says, "Oh, for Christ's sake, put the cornflakes back in 
the box!"
 


  A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so
she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the
video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title
that sounds very stimulating.
  She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something
comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment,
there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video
store to complain.
  Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing
on the tape, but static."
  Store Clerk:  "Sorry about, that.  We've had problems with some of
those tapes.  Which title did you rent?"
  Blonde:  "It's called 'Head Cleaner'



  My next door neighbor, a not so bright blonde, had been trying
to sell her car for some time.  She was having problems selling it 
because it had over 250,000 miles on it.  Last month, she told her
problem to a group of us that were out enjoying the sunshine.  My 
not so honest neighbor, Rick, from down the street offered a solution.
  He told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell,
but it's not legal."    
  "That doesn't matter," replied my neighbor, "I need to sell the car."
  "Okay," said Rick. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns
a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in
your car back. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car anymore."
  The following day, my blonde neighbor made the trip to the mechanic.
  Yesterday I saw her driving her old car and asked, "You still haven't
sold your car?"    
  "No," she replied, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."



  A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were
watching the 6 O'clock news.  A man was shown threatening to jump from
the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't
jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
  Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the 
$50 she owed.
  The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend".
  The blonde said, "No! A bet's a bet".
  So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 
5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
  The blonde replied, "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump
again!"



  A blonde goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray
glasses.  She checks them out, but isn't fully convinced. The store
clerk comes along and closes the deal.
  On her way home she puts on the new x-ray glasses and bingo, she
sees everyone in the street naked!  She takes them off for a moment,
and everyone has their clothes on.  Puts the glasses back on...
everyone is naked!  "Really cool!" she thinks.
  As she arrives home, she is eager to show her new toy to her hubby
but can't find him.  She goes up to the bedroom and finds hubby and 
some strange girl naked in bed.  She takes her glasses off, and the
two are still naked.  She puts them back on, and they are still naked.
  Suddenly, with a disgusted tone in her voice says,  "I'll be dammed.
I just paid fifty-bucks for these, and they're already broken!"



  This Blonde walks into the doctors office with red ears.
  The doctor asks, "Oh my gosh what happened to your ears?"
  The blonde said " I was ironing and the phone rang and I 
accidentally put the iron up to my ears!"
  In disbelief the doctor asked "What happened to the other ear?"
  The blonde said, " The damn Son of A Bitch called back again!"



  On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond 
virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and with 
great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her
new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.
  When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make
love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."
  Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most
ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it,
and for how long?"



  A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches every part of 
her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. 
My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!"
  The doctor asks, "Where you ever a Blonde?"
 "Yes I was." she replies. "why do you ask?"
  The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"


 
  A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to
rail, saying "21" "21" "21" A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides
to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21",
"21", "21"
  Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle and jumps off the 
tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place.
  The brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting, "22",
"22", "22",...



  A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is
having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
  One day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful
redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
  The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with not to shoot
herself.
  Hysterically the blonde responds to her husband, "Shut up...
you're next!"
 


  There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane.
Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one 
person should get off because if they didn't then the rope would break
and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally 
the brunette said, "I'll get off."
  After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get
off, all of the blondes started clapping.



  A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. 
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.
  "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal,
and even the accelerator!" she cries.
  The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way.
He will be there in two minutes."
  Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 
dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde 
is on the line again.
  "Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake."



  A 93-year-old blonde marries an 18-year-old guy. Her doctor tells her,
"The age difference in your marriage could be fatal."
After thinking a moment the old blonde replied, "Well if he dies, he
dies."
Brunette: "How's your insomnia?"
Blonde: "Even worse. Now I can't sleep at work."



Did you hear about the blonde who:

had more on her body than on her mind?
was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?
after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.
thought a quarterback was a refund.
tripped over the cordless phone.
At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign here", she put Leo.
put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
On her job applications, she put "Hooked on Phonics" for education.
if they spoke her mind, she would have nothing to say.
studied for a blood test and failed.
takes two hours to watch "60 Minutes."
sold their car so she would have gas money.
got stabbed in a shoot-out.
got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
they had to burn the school down to get them out of third grade.
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

 
 
The Top Reasons Why Blondes & Computers Don't Mix.

there are too many numbers past 1

it's not easy to remove fingernail polish from the keys.

too many broken nails jam the keyboard. (bad typists)

the alphabet is not in the right order on the keyboard.

when a blonde makes a mistake with a computer there's
no one to sleep with to forget it ever happened.

the computers refuse to answer when blonde talk to them.

blondes can't figure out which key starts the food processor.

their software is incompatible.

joysticks break too easily, keyboards don't work if they're wet,
 and the screen can't handle that much lipstick.

they keep trying to force feed cheese to the mouse.



Blonde Medical Terminology

Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small tablet
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited
  


Are you a blonde?  Take this test to find out...

THE OFFICIAL BLONDES SEX QUIZ.

TRUE  FALSE
 __    __  1. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit in Colorado.
 __    __  2. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird.
 __    __  3. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
 __    __  4. The G-string is part of a violin.
 __    __  5. Anus is the latin word for yearly.
 __    __  6. Testicles are found on an octopus.
 __    __  7. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryon, Texas.
 __    __  8. Fetus is a charactor in "Gunsmoke".
 __    __  9. An unbilical chord is part of a parachute.
 __    __ 10. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry.
 __    __ 11. A lesbian is a person from the middle east.
 __    __ 12. Sodomy is a special kind of fast growing grass.
 __    __ 13. Genitals are people of non-jewish origins.
 __    __ 14. Douche is the Italian word for twelve.
 __    __ 15. An enema is someone who is not your friend.
 __    __ 16. Scrotum is a small moon orbiting Uranus.
 __    __ 17. Climax is a weather balloon.
 __    __ 18. Condom is a small apartment complex.
 __    __ 19. Homo is pasturized milk from Nebraska.
 __    __ 20. Menopause is a button on the VHS remote control.



BRUNETTE JOKES


Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
It doesn't show the dirt!

Who makes all the bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price!

Why didn't indians scalp brunettes?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable!

Why are most brunettes flat-chested?
It makes it easier for them to read their t-shirts!

Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache!

Why is the color brunette considered evil?
When's the last time you saw a blonde witch?

How can you tell a brunette is lonely?
Check her for a pulse!

Why do brunettes always wear training bras?
It's cheaper than changing their bandaids every day!

Why did they quit selling brunette Barbie dolls?
Parents felt the dandruff might be contagious!

How do brunettes get the tangles out their hair?
With a rake!

What kind of costumes do brunette girls wear during Halloween?
They just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops!

Why don't brunettes get breast implants?
They've already spent their money on thigh and butt implants!

What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover ?
"What part of 'yes' don't you understand?"

Why did God create brunettes?
So ugly men wouldn't feel left out!

What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation!

Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant?
From their underarms!

Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job?
Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch!

How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?
Startled!

What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A hostage!

How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair color?
By studying what oil spills did to seaweed!

What's the difference between a brunette and the trash?
At least the trash gets taken out once a week!
   
What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes

What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown bagging it.

What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.

Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.
 
What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet? "
 
If blondes get fingers run through their hair, what runs through a
 brunettes' hair?
Lice

Is it tru blonds have more fun?
No, they have ALL the fun.
 
What is the most frustrated animal in the world?
A brunette rabbit.

Why was the first football stadium sketched out on a brunette's chest?
Because they needed a level playing field.
 
Why do brunettes sleep all night on their stomachs?
Because they can.

What is the official color of Poland?
Brunette

How do you drowned a brunette fish?
Just add water.

What do you call brunette twins doing bubble gum commercials?
Double-dumb.

What's so good about brunette midgets?
They're only half as ugly.

What would the photograph of a brunette say if it could talk?
Yes.

What did the brunette say to the US Marine?
Yes----350,000 times.

Why did the brunette chicken cross the road?
Because there were 14,000 roosters on the other side.
 
How do you tell a brunette you're not interested?
It ain't hard.
 
What do many brunettes wear on their face that matches their hair?
Warts.

What does a brunette look for all her life and then just dies
 when she finds one?
A gray hair.

Why did God create brunettes?
Because he screwed up and created the "old maid" category first.

Why can't brunettes `tease' their hair?
Because it's not funny.

What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner?
You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms.
 
But why do brunettes take the pill ?
Wishful Thinking.
 
What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A brunette with bad breath. 
 
Why are there no dumb brunettes?
Peroxide.
 
When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
After a dye job.
 
What does a brunette put behind her ears to attract men?
Peroxide. 

Why does it take brunettes longer to climax?
Who cares?



 REDHEAD JOKES


What's the difference between a redhead & a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
 
What's the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed?
A blonde let's you leave the bed when you are satisfied- a redhead
 let's you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.
 
What's the difference between a redhead and a doberman pinscher?
Some people actually like dobermans...
 
Which is more vicious, a piranna or a redheaded woman?
The redhead, piranna only feed in schools...

Why do redheads think they're special?
It's amazing what arrogance and a lack of sensitivity will do for 
 your ego...
 
What's the advantage of a blonde vs. a redhead...?
 At least you can ignore the blonde safely...
 Blondes don't carry their attorney's home phone number with them at
   all  times...
 Fewer blondes think that they are entitled to a free ride,
 You can have fun sleeping with a blonde, with a redhead you'll never
  find your wallet afterwards
 
What is the difference between dating a redhead and putting your
 hand into a blender?
You got a 50/50 chance the blender isn't on...
 
What is the difference between a redhead and a lawyer ?
There are somethings that even lawyers won't do to people...
 
What is the difference between a redhead and a hooker with AIDS ?
After spending your money on the hooker, you probably had a good 
 time and you might not get AIDS...
 
How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl.
 
Brunette after sex: "Oh that was great! Love you...wanna marry?"
Blonde after sex: "Next!"
Redhead after sex: "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid."
 
How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a gf?
She has scratched "stay off MY TURF!" on his back with her nails.
 
Why don't reds like plastic vibrators?
Too frail for endurance.
 
What's the diff between a blonde whore and a redhead whore?
 After the blonde you put antibiotics on your dick;
 After the redhead you put antibiotics on the bitemarks on your
 shoulders.
  
How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?
She unties you. 
 

  Two sailors on shore leave, walking down the street. They spot a 
beautiful blonde. First sailor asks his friend "Have you ever slept
with a blonde?"
  Second sailor replies that he has. They walk on further and see 
an even more beautiful brunette.
  FS" Have you ever slept with a brunette?"
  SS" Why yes, in fact I've slept with brunettes on many occasions"
  They walk on a little further, and see a gorgeous redhead, who 
leaves the other two girls for dead.
  FS" Have you ever slept with a redhead then?"
  His companion looks at him and replies "Not a wink!"  




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