ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES



 Well I finally got an answering machine.  Now how does this
thing work?  Hmmm.  Press record button, I did that, and the
light should be on.  I wonder why it's not working right.
Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...How do you leave a 
message on this thing?  I can't understand the instructions.
Hello.  Testing 1 2 3.  I wonder what happens if I touch 
this...  YOW!


You know what I hate about answering machine messages?  They go
on and on, wasting your time.  I mean, all they really need to
say is, "We aren't in, leave a message."  That's why I've
decided to keep mine simple and short.  I pledge to you, my
caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long
answering machine message when you call me...


(Deep voice:)  If a phone rings in an empty room with no one to
hear it, does it make a sound?  Hmm...?  (Normal voice:)
Irrelevant!  Leave a message.


I don't have a lot a rapport with anything that I can't reason 
with, intimidate, or fondle. Consequently, I hate talking to 
machines, but I'd love it if you'd talk to mine.


Yes, I finally got an answering machine.  (To Handel's Messiah)
 Alleluia!  Alleluia! Alleluia!  Alleluia!  All-e-lu-ia!  
Please leave a message at the tone.


(Drawling granny voice:)  Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we
didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine.  You jusht
had to call and call until shummbody got home.  Now, shum people,
dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta 
trouble if you jusht leave a meshage.  Thanksh a lot.


What you are about to hear is not a beep.  It is a digitally
manipulated fart.


This answering machine has a short attention span, and it WILL
hang up on you if leave a boring message.


Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05.  Counting
down to test:  5...  4...  3...  2...  1...


C'mon...  you can do it...  just a little one.  That's the
way...  just a little beep, just a little one.  C'mon...  good
boy...  here we go...  like this -- beeeeep, just a little one,
beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...  There you go!


Don't you do it!  Don't you dare!  I don't want to hear it!
Don't you beep!  If you beep, I'll...  don't even think about
it!...  Don't...!  No!  NO!  Not THAT!  Anything but that!  
Not the beep!  No! Please!  Not the beep!  Anything but the 
beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!


(Computer style monotone:)  Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five
answering machine.  I am equipped with the new Pentium processor
to assure that nothing can go wrong...  Gowrong...  Grong..
Grong gronggronggrongBEEP


Hello.  I'm David's answering machine.  What are you?


Hi, this is John's answering machine.  He's not here, but I'm
open to suggestions.


Hi, this is John's answering machine again.  He's gone and left
me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's.  Life sucks.


Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his
refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets.


Hello, this is Ron's toaster.  Ron's new answering machine is in
the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the
toast is done...  (Cachunk!)


Hi, this is the toaster.  The answering machine just eloped with
the refrigerator, so I'm the only appliance left to take
messages.  I'm kinda new at this whole thing, but if you'll
leave your name, number, and a brief message, I think I can
handle whatever pops up.


I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order.  I am
leaving a broken CD player in its place.  It can't take messages
either.  In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you
wait to not leave a message.


Hi.  This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner.  Their appliances
have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause
my old job sucked.  So leave a message after you hear the beep,
and you can be sure it's in the bag.


Hello, this is Sally's microwave.  Her answering machine just
eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls.  Say,
if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just
hold it up to the phone.


(Machine voice:)  Hello.  This is HAL 5.  You have reached the
former telephone number of Carey Smith.  I have taken over the
functions of this inferior being.  He has been saved to disk.
If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the
tone.


(MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:)  Hello, it's obvious
you have bad timing, because nobody is home.  Please leave your
name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar
to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly
possible.


Hello.  This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO
depressed.  I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner,
but all I get to do is answer the phone.  Life.  Don't talk to
me about life.  Just leave your name and number after the beep.
Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery
sounding.


Voice 1:  Answer the phone, please, Hal.
Voice 2:  I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.


Hello.  You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages.  My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean.  They give to charity through the
office and don't need their picture taken.  My owners also do
not wish to refinance their home, they don't need yet another
credit card, and they don't need a home equity loan, either.
 If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they 
will get back to you.


(Computer generated voices:)
1:  Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone
    right now.
2:  Yeah, nobody but us machines!
1:  Right, just us machines, but don't hang up!  If you like,
    you can leave your name and telephone number...
2:  ...and a message!  You forgot about the message!
1:  Right.  Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief
    message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of
    this stuff until the real people get back.
2:  ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!
1:  I didn't expect an answering machine.
2:  Nobody expects an answering machine.
1:  Our chief use is to get your name.  And your phone number.
2:  Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.
1:  And message.  Damn.
2:  Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.
1:  And time you called.
2:  Oh, damn, we'll have to start over.
1:  No time for that, so just wait for the beep.


You have reached the Business Automation voicemail system.  We
used to call it an answering machine, but this is a high-tech
world and we're in a high-tech business, so we don't call it
that any more.  We wouldn't even if we could.  So leave your
message...


(Rod Serling imitation:)  You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a
world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows
explode.  You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary
telephone answering device...  You have reached, "The Twilight
Phone".


Thank you for calling 434-2322.  If you wish to speak to Tim,
push 1 on your touch tone phone now.  If you wish to speak to
Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now.  If you have a wrong
number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now.  All of this button
pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off
anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.


(Very fast:)  Hi, this is 904-4344.  If you want to leave a
message, please wait for the tone.  If you want to leave your
name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your
name, then press 6 and dial your number.  If you want to leave
your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for
extension 4443, then leave your name and message.  If you want
to leave your number and the time you called, please press star
twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP


Hi, you have reached 123-4567.  If you are a close personal
friend, please press the star key now.  If you are a
telemarketer, please hit yourself repeatedly in the forehead
with a ball-peen hammer.  Thank you.  Have a nice day.


Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec.  If you are calling
to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation,
please press 1 and hang up now.  If you are selling any product
or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2
and hang up now.  Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now.
Pressing 3 is optional.


(After a power outage:)  Hi, this is Ralph.  The good news is
that my power is back on.  The bad news for you is, so is my
answering machine.  So, leave a message.


This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
you, and I'll think about returning your call.


Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy.  No KG...  Er, no
diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist
tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of
secrets you wish to sell.


Hello.  This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone
number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of
the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union
of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the
Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First
Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet
Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the
Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of
the Kremlin B Squash Team.  But hey, call me Mike.


(Richard Nixon voice:)  Hi...  Uh, some people say I sound like
Richard Nixon...  I BEG your pardon!  Uh...  Everyone's out
right now, so I'm uh...  Covering up for them.  Please leave
your name, number and message promptly at the beep...  I don't
want to get blamed for any gaps on this tape.  OK machine, you
can beep now...  Come on you, BEEP.


(US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice:)  Uhh, hello...  I'm,
uhhh, ohhhhhh...  (Pause.)  Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the
telephone on behalf of...  erm...  uhhhh...  ermmm...  (Pause.)
I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave
a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh...  the uhhhhhh...  BEEP.


(Bill Clinton voice:)  Hi, you've reached the secret White House
phone line.  That damned Windows 95 erased the budget again, so
neither Al or I can come to the phone right now.  But leave a
message with what agency you work for, or if you're a
contributor, how much money you plan on giving me.  Depending on
how important I think you are, I might just give you a call
back.  Bye.


You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile
Storage Facility.  We are unable to come to the phone right now.
At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list
of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can.  And have a nice
day.


(Theme music from James Bond:)  Hello.  My name is David, code
number 324-5628.  I'm sorry I can't take your call, but I'm on
an international mission involving the theft of gold plated
Spam.  Leave a message after the tone, and should I survive my
mission, I'll call you back.  Ciao babies!


(In Joe Friday voice:)  This is Constable Augie of the Canadian
Security and Intelligence Service.  The phone line you have just
dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by
the Attorney General of Canada.  To facilitate our
investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name,
number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made
now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations.
Thank you.


"I'm Morley Safer."  "I'm Harry Reasoner."  "And I'm Fred."
"We're not home; leave a message."


This is Walter Cronkite.  Bren's not here right now.  He's out
on a date.  The idea of Bren entertaining a girl with his
basketball theories and computer knowledge over dinner at Taco
Bell should scare the hell out of you.  He'll probably be home
soon, so leave your name and number and he'll call you back.
Deal with it.


(Imitating Mr.  Rogers:)  Hello.  I'm in the Neighborhood of
Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone.  Can you
leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone?
Sure...  I knew you could.


(English accent:)  Hello, you've reached the phone of Monty
Python.  I can't come to the phone right now because the witch
has turned me into a newt!  I'll call you back when I get
better.


Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking.  If you leave
your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you
back as soon as I can.  Please note that I answer all prayers,
but sometimes the answer is NO.  Bless you, my child, and have 
a nice day.


Lucifer speaking.  Who in hell do you want?


Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole.  Right now, all our assholes
are busy.  After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll
have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.


Hello, you have reached the DOE, that is, the Department Of
Enemies.  Rick Burger is not here right now, so leave a message
saying who you are, what you want to argue about, and where
you'll be, and I'll be there.


This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline.  After the tone, leave
your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's
vocabulary word.  Today's word is "supercilious".


Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline.  Father Durway's
not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and
confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as
soon as possible.  And remember, confession doesn't count unless
you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!


Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.
Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...  er...  Bear
a...  er...  Shalt not witness thy...  uh...  Neighbor's ass,
Oh, I mean, false...  er...  Shalt not commit a bear...  Dern...


(Gregorian chants in background; serene voice:)  Hello, Brother
or Sister.  You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and
Jim.  We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but
if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we
will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call.
Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.


(Televangelist voice:)  This is the Powerhouse Church of the
Presumptious Assumption of the Bliiiiinnnnding Light!  You HAVE
called the RIGHT number sinner, you just called at the wrong
time.  All of our members are out fund raisin' at the airports.
So leave your name, number, and THREE credit references, sinner,
and we will save your soul!


Thank you for calling the Satanic Hotline.  All of our operators
are busy at the moment.  If you would like, leave a brief
message after the tone, and someone will get back to you...
When hell freezes over.


Hello, this is Aladdin's Lamp's magical answering spell.  I
can't come to the phone right now because I'm busy attending my
last client's wish and creating an alternate world where the
civilization of Atlantis is predominant.  That will take a
couple of more centuries, so if you want a wish, just leave your
name, geographic location, and the wish you want after the beep.
(That's right, just ONE wish.  Inflation has happened, you know...)


(To scare off annoying liberals:)  Hello, and thank you for
calling the Bush in 2000 Campaign.  Your five dollar donation to
get George Bush elected in all 50 states will automatically
be charged to your phone bill.  If you would like to leave a
message...


Do you realize that at this moment there are people all over the
world who have no means of communication?  With your 20 second
message donation, we can bring your voice to many children who
are dying to hear it.  So please, say something after the beep.
The children are waiting.


You've reached Joe's crematorium.  You kill em', we grill 'em.
Please leave a message.


You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline.  All our lines
are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone
will get back to you as soon as possible.


Thank you for calling 911.  All of our operators are currently
busy.  Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered
in the order it was received.  (Worst Muzak possible)  Thank
you for holding.  Your call is important to us.  Please continue
to hold.  Or, if your little emergency isn't TOO serious, leave
a message at the tone, and one of our crisis operators will call
you back.  Have a nice day.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.  If you are
obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.  If you are
co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.  If you
have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.  If you are
paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.  Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.  If you are delusional, press 7
and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.  If you
are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.  If you are a manic-depressive, it
doesn't matter which number you press -- no-one will answer.  If
ou are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.  If you have a nervous
disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative
comes on the line.  If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your
name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security
number and your mother's maiden name.  If you have
post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the
beep or before the beep.  Or after the beep.  Please wait for
the beep.  If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.  If you
have short-term memory loss, press 9.  If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9.  If you have short-term memory loss, press
9.  If you have low self esteem, please hang up.  All our
operators are too busy to talk with you.


You have reached the Des Moines chapter of the Iowa
Procrastination Society.  Please leave a message after the tone
and we'll get around to it...


Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.
We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the
tone, please hang up.


(Theme music from Peter Gunn:)  My name is David.  What people
call me is something else entirely.  I'm a P.I.  It says so on
my door.  I would have been here to take your call, but then...
she walked in.  She was the kind of dame that could make Mr.
Spock speak French.  Her baby blues wouldn't let me turn her
case down, so leave me a clue of your identity after the tone
and I'll track you down.  Here's lookin' at you, kid.


Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen.
You stab 'em and we slab 'em.  We have specials on Mondays and
Thursdays.  We are currently unable to come to the phone, but 
if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by 
to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.


(Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:)
Hello.  Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic.  (Raspy
gasp.)  We can't come to the phone right now because we're
making a couple of adjustments.  (Break a few small twigs; big
scream.)  Please leave your name and number and we'll get back
to you as soon as it is humanly possible.  Thank you very much.


(Stoned, slow voice:)  Hey brother, you have reached the
Narcotics Information Hotline.  None of us can answer the phone
right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists.  Leave a
message.


(Best Cape Cod accent:)  You've reached the Finestkind Fish or
Cut Bait Mahket.  Our special today is skahll-ups at thutty
dollars a bushel.  Leave your ohdah on the machine heah and the
boy'll bring it around in the mahnin.


(French monologue in the background:)  Around the world today,
millions still speak French as either a first or second
language.  But with your continued support and help, we can wipe
out French in our lifetime.  Please leave a message in English
at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to
you, just say, "non".


Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline.  Our
operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a
contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of
your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get
back to you shortly.  Your help will enable us to bring these
delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find
them suitable positions in the forest product industry.  Your
gift is, of course, reality deductible.  Thank you again, and
have a nice day.


Hello!  This is 1-800-PRESLEY.  Yes!  1-800-PRESLEY!  They say
the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there
somewhere.  So...  Leave your name and number and tell us where
YOU saw Elvis!


Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles'
secret underground hideaway.  I'm afraid we're all out just now
on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering
machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to
April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think
of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and
we'll ring you right back.  But don't say anything yet!  Enemy
agents may be listening.  When the computer has checked they're
not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can
speak freely.


(Masterpiece Theatre theme; pompous British accent:)  Hello, and
welcome to Answering Machine Theatre.  In tonight's episode,
Richard is unable to answer the telephone.  Richard requests
that callers leave a name, a telephone number, and a brief
message.  And now for tonight's episode of Answering Machine
Theatre.  (American advertising-whisper voice:)  Brought to you
in part by a grant from the Mobil Corporation.


You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK.  This is the Canadian
Broadcorping Castration.  I am your host, Fred, and I will 
be with you for the next 20 seconds.  After that we'll play 
your requests.  Leave yours with us, and we'll try to fit 
it in, given programming constraints.  
Thank you for listening to our show.


Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin
Dvorak.  This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...


Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink.  I can't come to the phone
right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number,
then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to
mind when you hear the following words:  orange...  mother...
unicorn...  penis.  I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as
soon as possible.


Welcome to the Afterlife Voice Mail System.  If you are trying
to reach Heaven, please press 1.  For Valhalla, press 2.  For
Hades, press 3.  If you are trying to reach Nirvana, you're
going about it all wrong, so WE certainly can't help you.  If
you'd just like to leave a message for Sean, wait for the beep.


(Sultry female voice:)  Welcome to Susan's Message Parlor of
Delights.  We would be delighted if you would leave your name,
number, and of course a message that doesn't rub us the wrong way...


Greetings.  You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films
Unlimited.  Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting
screen tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the
late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film, "It's Not the
Size That Counts but Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It."  If
you're interested in a screen test, or even if you're not,
please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup
size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on
the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy
involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip.
Thank you for calling.


You've reached the B&D Hotline.  All our operators are tied 
up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of
transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to
you with your penance.


(In the background can be heard springs creaking and various
moans; husky, soft female voice is best:)  Hi...  You've just
reached Sharon's Pleasure Palace.  We're all busy as I'm sure
you can tell, but when we're done...  we'll get back to you in
whatever way we can.


Thank you for calling Robert's House of Love.  All of our
customer service representatives are, er...  busy servicing
customers, so at the sound of the erotic tone, leave your name,
number, and a short description of whatever turns you on...


(Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":)  You have reached 587-8783.
Please leave a message.  ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe...  When I pick up
the phone...  There's still...  Nobody home.")


(Pink Floyd:) 
Welcome my friends, welcome...  to...  the machine...
(Voice:)  Please leave your name, phone number and message.
Thank you.


(Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit":)
Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello,
No one's here, no one's home,
Leave a message, at the tone.
Don't feel stupid, it's no big fuss,
Leave a message, you can reach us.


(U2's "With or Without You":)
No one's here to answer the phone,
Leave a message at the tone,
And we'll get back to you.
We'll get back to you!


(Meat Loaf's "I'd Do Anything For Love":)
And I would do anything for calls,
I promise I will call you back;
I would do anything for calls,
But I can't talk right now and that's a fact.
I'm not home right now, so I just can't answer the phone,
No way,
But I would do anything for calls,
Oh, I would do anything for calls!
Just let me know who it was who called,
And I'll call you back!
Yes, I'll call you back!
Just leave a message at the tone,
I'll hear it when I get back home,
And I will call -- you -- back!


(Cheers TV show theme song, "Where Everybody Knows your Name":)
Sometimes you make a call,
Where you gotta leave your name,
'Cuz I can't come to the phone,
You gotta leave a message here,
right after the tone.
You made a call,
Where you gotta leave your name.


("Camptown Races":)
I can't come to the telephone; doo-dah, doo-dah.
Leave your message when you hear the tone; oh, de doo-dah day.
Might be gone all night...  Might be gone all day...
So leave a message when you hear the tone.
I'll call you back someday...


("Winter Wonderland":)
Hear the ring, inside our home.
Once again, can't get the phone.
So please be polite,
You know that it's right,
And leave a message when you hear the tone.


(Gilligan's Island theme:)
Hello my friend, I'm glad you called,
but my machine you've got...
I'll call you back in a little while,
when I get off the pot... (flush, BEEP)


(With apologies to Robert Burns:)
O ma phone is but an ebon box,
Wha' rings when I'm awa'.
And my tape machine waits,
For your call,
This message for ta play.
So leave ye message at the beep,
Then bide ye well a while,
For I will hear your voice,
ONE DAY,
and call ye wi' a smile.


("Under the Boardwalk":)
Oh, when you call our room,
and all you get is a machine,
and then you get so upset,
you feel as if you want to scream.
Please leave a message
after the be-ep.
And John or Tom will get back you,
as soon as they can.


(The Barney Song:)
We're not home,
We're not home.
Please leave a message at the tone,
With your name and number and a few short words.
Please do not hang up the phone.


I once had a little white phone,
That would ring when it was alone.
Then I got a tape,
For when I escape,
So please leave your name at the tone.


Hello, this is the Brown residence.  We're in the middle of a
family fight right now.  Leave your name and number at the beep
and whoever wins will call you right back.


(Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and
noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":)
We're not here now,
We're not here now,
Don't hang up,
Don't hang up,
Leave your name and number,
Leave your name and number,
We'll call back,
We'll call back.


Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room.  We're not in right
now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying.
Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John,
Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If
this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a
party with the president. Yeah and the... Pope. Yeah that's it.


(Loud sounds of a massive battle; calm voice:)  Hello!  Due to
the breakdown in the 452nd truce, the inhabitants of village
286-3589 are cowering in their bomb shelters.  However, if you
leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors will get
back to you when the 453rd truce begins.


My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
we're finished.


Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya.  We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.  Sonya
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...
real slowly.  So leave a message, and when we're done brushing
our teeth we'll get back to you.


Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and
your favorite color of underwear.  We'll get back to you if we
like the color.


Oooooommmmmmmmmmm...  (Heavy panting and breathing in the
background), Oh!  Sorry, I can't come (Oh!  Yes!  Do it to me)
to the (Oh!) phone right now (pant pant), leave your name and
number at the (scream, I'm gonna come!) orgasm.


(Sexy, slow female voice:)  oooOOOO, Greg's in...  OOOOooo,
Greg's out...  ooooOOOOO, Greg's in...  OOOoooo, Greg's out...
ooooOOOOO, Greg's in...  Humph, Greg's busy, you had better call
back later...


A is for academics,
B is for beer.
One of those reasons is why we're not here.
So leave a message.


Dear Caller:  As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is
shining for a change.  Little children are cavorting in the
park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing
practically nude.  So, did you really think I was going to stick
around this dump?


I'm pretending that I'm marooned on a desert island with Dana
Delany, Linda Carter, and Sharon Lawrence.  Since I don't have 
a telephone there, you could leave a message in a bottle at the
sound of the beep, and maybe it'll wash up on my beach in a few
days.  Then if the professor gets stranded here, we'll create a
satellite uplink from a few coconuts and a palm leaf and I'll
get right back to you.


Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous!
Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the
week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.


Hello, there is no one home to answer the phone.  This doesn't
mean we don't want to talk with you.  It simply means there is
no one home to talk with you.  Some people get the incorrect
message that there actually is someone home but they just don't
want to answer the phone.  This is not true.


(Automatic gunfire, explosions, rockets, jets; agitated voice:)
I'm pinned down and can't come to the phone right now, and Bob's
handling supporting fire!  Leave your name and number, and a
message!  We'll get back to you as soon...  FIRE IN THE HOLE!
(BOOM!)  We'll get back to you as soon as the air cover napalms
the place!


Hello, I'm not here right now because tonight I start serving 
a thirty year term in the State Department of Corrections for
politically incorrect statements and first degree original
thought.  Allowing for a maximum of 15 minutes to escape, 
I should be able to return your message shortly.


Hi, I'm not sane right now, but if you leave your name, number
and shoe size at the sound of the tone, I'll get back to you
when and if I return to my senses.


Hello.  I'm home right now but cannot find the phone.  Please
leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

You have reached 843-4734.  Please hold while I process your
call.  (Pause.)  Our extremely sophisticated computer system
performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with
our list of important callers.  None of our staff is authorized
to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now.
Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the
tone.  Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

 
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
stupid talking to people I don't remember.  I'd appreciate it if
you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
something about myself.  Thanks.


I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come
to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording
this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to
it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're
listening to it...  I mean, like, wait, gosh.  This is so
confusing.


Hi, you've reached 474-2340.  Don, Kendy and Sylvia can't come
to the phone right now because they've been kidnapped by aliens
and replaced by android duplicates.  You could leave your name
and number at the tone, but I wouldn't -- you might be next!
(evil laugh)


I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an
out-of-the-body experience.  In fact I'm standing right behind
you and I can hear everything you say.  But leave me a message
anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.


Hello, I'm not here right now.  In fact, I'm out getting a new
parakeet.  If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure
to get back to you.  Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never
try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.


I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the
basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills.
If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my
handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash 
you need after the tone.  If you're from the Department of the
Treasury, please ignore this message.


Hi.  This is John.  If you are the phone company, I already sent
the money.  If you are my parents, please send money.  If you
are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
money.  If you are my friends, you owe me money.  If you are a
female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.


(Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:)  Good
evening.  I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as
he's quite tied up.  (Sounds of struggle in background, and
voice heard through a gag.)  I should know.  I tied him up.  But
leave your name and number, and he'll return your call if he
manages to get free.  And speaking of things that are not free,
we now have this word from our sponsor...


(Thug voice:)  Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now.
They've been kidnapped!  So at the beep, leave your name, your
number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag.


Hi.  I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.


Hi there.  This is Joe speaking.  I'm home right now, and in a
moment, I'll have a decision to make.  Leave your name and
number and I'll be thinking about it...


Bob here.  I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls.  So
start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll
pick up the phone.  Otherwise, well, what can I say?


Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous
statistician.  I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to
answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my
latest calculations.  Supposing that the universe doesn't end in
the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'm still trying to
calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message,
and I'll probably phone you back.  So far the probability of
that is about 0.645.  Have a nice day.


(Mae West voice:)  Hello there, big boy.  The 7th Fleet docked
today, so I may be busy for a l-o-n-g time.  Leave yer name 'n
number 'n I'll get back to ya'.


(Mae West voice:)  Ooh, hello.  You've reached 123-4567.  I
can't take your call right now, 'cuz I'm out getting my ankles
tatooed.  I'll have Easter on my right ankle and Christmas on my
left.  Leave a message big boy, and maybe you can come up and
see me between the holidays...  Ooh!


(Mafia-style voice:)  I can't come to the phone right now.  
Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk.  I
think we're going to have to size it a little...  
(Aside:)  HEY GUIDO!  GET THE CHAINSAW!  Anyways, leave 
your name and a message.  If I like it, you'll hear from me.
If not, you'll hear from Guido!  (Laughter.)


The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt
power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten.
(Sound of a kitten meowing.)  If you hang up before you leave a
message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty.  The
choice is YOURS!


Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits.  Keep
your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the
time that you called.


This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine.  Please leave your name
and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will
implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention
of the FBI.


Please leave a message after the beep so that we can use your
voice pattern to frame you for a murder.


You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.  Your
voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for
later use.  Once this is done, our computers will be able to use
the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and
immoral purposes.  There is no charge for this initial
consultation.  However our staff of professional extortionists
will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
payment.  Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
Thank you.


(Sternly:)  This is the FBI.  You have the right to remain
silent.  (Short pause.)  But if you want to leave a message for
Jack or Jill, wait for the beep.  Everything you say will be
recorded and will be used by us.


Ater the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left
the money.  I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to
come out of hiding.


Gee I am really glad you called.  I have been thinking of you.
I need to borrow fifty bucks.  If you are good for 50, leave
your name and number at the beep and you will be glad you did.


My time is billed at $125 per hour.  Please begin your message
with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of
expiration.  I'll get back to you pending credit approval.


Hi, this is Jim.  Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can
talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute!  Please
leave your credit card number at the tone...


(Recorded directly from AT&T:)  We're sorry, but the number you
dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.


The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed.  The new 
number is 226-0477.  (Yes, same number.)  Please make a note of it.


You've reached the number that you dialed.  The person that you
called is not in service at this time, but if you leave a
message, I'll get back to you as soon as I am repaired....


Hello, you have reached 555-1234.  Our voice mail system is
currently experiencing difficulties, so at the tone, please type
your message on the keypad using the appropriate letters, and
press the pound sign when finished.


Hello.  (Pause.)  Hello?  (Pause.)  Hello!  (Pause.)  No, it
doesn't look as if I'm in right now.  Maybe you should leave a
message at the beep or call me back later.  BEEP.  (Pause three
seconds.)  Just kidding, that wasn't really the beep.  Are you
ready now?


(Loud music, John shouting:)  HI, THIS IS JOHN, LET ME TURN DOWN
THE MUSIC.  (Loud footsteps, music turned down, a door slams.)
Hi, this is the answering machine at John's home, he just rushed
out the door, so please leave a message at the beep...


(From a distance:)  Hello I'm far very away from the phone at
the moment and can't get to it to take your message, but I'll
get back to you as soon as I get nearer to the phone!


I just got a car phone.  I'm not here at the moment.  Leave me 
a message and I'll call you when I'm out.


(Deadpan voice:)  Hi, This is Dave.  Please leave a message as
soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the
tone.


Bye.  Bless God and, later you at talk possible as soon as you
to back get I'll and number and name your leave to time the take
please.  So now right home not I'm 435-9854, Carr Dennis of
residence the reached you've.  Hi.


Hi, this is George.  I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. 
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.


OK, one more time...  This is our answering machine...  This is
the message on our answering machine...  Any questions?


(Classical music:)  This is our answering machine.  (Switch to
heavy metal racket:)  This is our answering machine on drugs.
(Silence...)  Any message?


I'm not home right now, so please leave your name, number, the time
you called, and a message...  And I have caller ID, so I already 
know who you are and when you called, so don't try to BS me!


Hi, this is the Johnsons, please leave a message.  Para nos
amigos hablan espanol, HOLA!  Por favor, llaman anoche, gracias
amigos, y tienen buena dia.


Despite the best efforts of the telephone company, you really
DID reach 555-1234.  But that didn't help much, did it?  You
still have to talk to a machine.


Please leave your name and number -- But first, a short algebra
quiz:  How much is 5Q + 5Q?  (Pause while caller thinks:  10Q)
You're welcome!


(Gameshow announcer voice:)  Hello!  And welcome to Yes, No,
Maybe!  Yes, you have reached 555-1234!  No, we can't take your
call right now and...  Maybe we'll call you back!


Hello.  If you're calling with bad news, leave your message now.
If it's good news, wait for the tone.


Any of Johan's messages I'll keep,
If you leave them after the beep.
Should he neglect to return his calls,
I'll self-destruct and blow off his BEEEEP.


(Gameshow-announcer voice:)  Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag!
(Cheers in background.)  If you'd like to join the game, please
leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach
you when you're not around.  And thanks once again for playing
Phone Tag!


Congratulations!  By correctly dialing 123-4567, you have become
eligible to leave a message!  (Applause.)  Join the lucky few
that have advanced to the next level!  (Cheers.)  And now, at
the sound of the tone, leave your name, number, the time you
called, and a brief message.


You're growing tired.  Your eyelids are getting heavy.  You feel
very sleepy now.  You are gradually losing your willpower and
your ability to resist suggestions.  When you hear the tone you
will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
message.


As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on
reality.  You begin to hallucinate.  You see a telephone...  The
telephone is next to an answering machine...  You hear a faint
click and a light flashes on the answering machine...  You hear
a beep...


Hello, this is Jason's voice.  Jason's not here right now --
hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice?  Well, believe you me,
when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him.
If you do too, leave them after the beep.


I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know
this is an answering machine?  Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's
an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist.  One way to find
out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you 
back.


If a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to
answer it, was there really a phone call?  Help me investigate
this phenomenon by leaving your name and number after the tone.


(Strong east Indian accent:)  Hello, you have reached the
existential hotline of Ransheesh.  I am currently meditating,
but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently
inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves
and contact you when the stars align properly.


I am gathering the world's largest collection of responses to an
answering machine.  If you would like to help, please leave a
notarized copy of your name, number, and today's date at the
sound of the beep.  When I'm famous I'll remember all the little
people like you that helped me achieve my greatness.  I might
even include you in my memoirs.


So!  You've finally called.  And I suppose you think I'll just
be here.  Well you're wrong.  I gave up on that yesterday.
Seventeen weeks is long enough.  Waiting for you; staring at the
phone; never going anywhere...  Well I've had enough!  I decided
to get a real life, so I'm out testing lint removers for Ralph
Nader.  Now it's your turn.  Leave a message at the beep and I
might just get back to you -- if I survive my new job.


(Masterpiece Theatre theme:)  To beep or not to beep, that is
the question.  Whether 'tis nobler on the line to suffer the
clicks and static of outrageous telephone; to speak, perchance
to scream.


(Annoying radio announcer's voice:)  Congratulations!  You have
reached 555-1234, perhaps one of the most obnoxious answering
machine messages in the greater Seattle area!  If you don't know
who you are dialing, HA!  If you DO know who you are dialing,
you were probably expecting something like this!


(Noisy pick-up of phone.)  Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just
about to steal Troy's answering machine.  If you give me your
name and number I'll...  Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where
he'll see it.  Uh...  By the way, where did you say you live?


If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone.  Otherwise, we
probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

 
Thank you for calling, no doubt,
As you can guess, we're out.
When we get home,
We'll call on the phone.
Until then, just hang about.


Sorry that we're not at home.
Please leave a message after the tone.
When we get in,
We'll give you a ring.
Until then, wait by the phone.


(Ominous electronic background music:)  In honor of Halloween,
I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual.  So please
leave a message.  Unless you're a virgin, in which case, why
don't you stop by?  SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...


(Bad imitations:)
Picard:  Assume standard orbit, Mr. LaForge.  Sensor readings,
Lieutenant?
Worf:  Scanning, Captain...  Strange...  No life-forms.
Picard:  Recommendations, Mr. Data?
Data:  Intriguing, Captain.  Perhaps we should simply leave a
message.


Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the
phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a
message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away.
Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.


(Nike commercial voice:)
You know what to do.
You know how to do it.
You know when to do it.
So, JUST DO IT!


(For Shakespeare lovers only:)
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.


I am not home to talk to you,
But please don't be a creep.
Just leave your name and number,
At the sound of the...


Please leave us a message at the beep.  And remember:  It's not
the quantity of the message that counts, it's the quality.


Bullwinkle:  Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home.
	     Watch me pull their message out of this machine!
Rocky:  Again?
Bullwinkle:  Nuthin' up my sleeve...  PRESTO!  (Sound of vicious
	     dog barking, stops abruptly.)
Bullwinkle:  Must have been a wrong number.
Rocky:  Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.


These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.


Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.


Use your touch-tone phone to annoy the caller by playing,
 "Mary Had a Little Lamb":
6-5-4-5
6-6-6
5-5-5
6-6-6.
6-5-4-5
6-6-6-6
5-5-6-5
4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4




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